Youtube “Experts”

Cunts who watch some YouTube video and then become fucking experts.

I went to fell a tree in a couple’s garden. Thought that there’d be no drama until I got there and was confronted by the neighbour. He’d obviously watched a couple of tree-cutting videos and was keen to give me the benefit of his wisdom…” An easy enough “fall” he says ” I’d have done it for them myself but don’t have the saw for it”……
” Won’t the electric cord for your Black and Decker reach then?” I innocently enquired. Didn’t stop the gobshite ” I’d use a bore-cut on a leaning tree ” was his next jem..
“Aye well,you’ll know all about boring, I’d guess” I replied. That gave the Cunt pause for thought and before he could fire up again, I fired up the saw and drowned him out. When the tree was down the patronising Cunt even had the gall to say to me “Textbook “fall” that…well done”…Just what I’ve always craved.the approval of some daft Gobshite..” Couldn’t have done it without your advice” I told him ” I’m away for a shite later,any instruction for me on which way to wipe?”….Poor Cunt looked a bit crestfallen at that one,it must have dawned on him that I wasn’t going to encourage his delusions of being a tree- cutter and start talking trade with him. In fact all I seemed to have done was confirm the widely held belief that I’m a bit of a twat.

My problem is that he’d obviously watched a couple of videos and seemed to think that it made him an expert. I was half-tempted to hand him the saw and tell him that here was his big chance,it was only the thought of having to attend the Windbag’s inquest that stopped me.

I admit that I have often watched videos on how to do jobs and then had a go myself…with mixed results,I must admit.However I would not dream of approaching a tradesman doing his job and then start trying to tell him his business.

Fuck Off.

Dick de Pfeffel Foxchaser-Fiddler

70 thoughts on “Youtube “Experts”

  1. Yep i quite agree mr fiddler /a retelling of the tale of the frigging armchair expert (or similair)there seems be one now in every thing we do !always it like harry enfield keep sticking his head up and saying “you dont want to do it like that you want to do it like this” ffs

    • Work with a Irish lad like that. I actually said to him “Oooh you don’t wanna do it like that you wanna do it like this!”

      He was confused (he’s in his late 20s so probably never saw the Harry Enfield show) so I told him to look it up on YouTube. He want impressed but he hasn’t done it since.

      Result.

    • I’d have attend the Windbag’s inquest …..
      ..tell them the chainsaw just slipped right out of you hand…

      I was under my motor the other day…

      “eh, you don’t wanna trust a jack ! You should use axel stands if your gonna works under a car mate !”

      ‘ I AM USING AXEL STANDS…’

      “you got a jack under there !”

      ‘AND AXEL STANDS..’
      ‘ CUNT ‘

  2. Singing “experts” who do one song a week at karaoke, or have watched an episode of The X Factor :-
    In my other career as a world famous rock star on my tour of sticky-carpetted dive bars and dark and dank spittoons, I occasionally get some cunt of a punter approaching the stage and saying something like “I’m a better singer than you” or “I could sing that one better”. I usually reply “OK bud, what’s your name?”
    “Dave”.
    I then invite the cunt onstage and say, over the mic, “OK ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got a special guest artist tonight. His names Dave and he informs me that he wants to share his amazing talent with you all. Take it away, Dave!”
    At this point, Dave either sprints for the door, or says something like “Where the fuck are the words?” to which I smile and reply “Why do you need the words? I learn these songs so I don’t require lyrics, and we’ve already established that your much better than I am”. At which point I make a beeline for the bar and take delight in watching a red-faced “Dave” mumble incoherently before looking blankly around for lyrics he’ll never find before launching into an out of tune rendition of what he thinks the song goes like, before either getting booed off or deflatedly giving up and not bothering me again all night.
    I know, I know. I’m a cunt. 😂😈😂😈

          • Just all kinds of covers,MNC, pop/rock etc. A bit of everything from 50s/60s onwards. Mostly classic 60s /70s/80s/90’s numbers. Don’t do that many “modern” songs as they’re mostly shite, but I’d throw in the odd George Ezra song as he doesn’t seem as big a cunt as the rest.
            Ed Sheeran can go fuck himself.

          • Nice one! If you need goodlooking backing singers both me & Fiddler sing in pubs when drunk?! 😁
            Takes bottle mate to stand and sing infront of people, good on ya👍

          • Consider yourselves hired!! As well as your wages, you’ll both be fed free beer all night. I’ll be pissed too, that way the drunken lairy punters that usually inhabit the venues I play in will be all the more bearable to us all🍺🍻🍺🍻

  3. I hate those “expert” videos where they watch a Rock singer or Rock guitarist and then critique it.
    There seems to be no end of these videos on Youtube at the moment.

    I don’t go on Youtube to feel as if I’m in a fucking GCSE music exam!

  4. Cutting trees down? What about the climate emergency?

    Greta Thundercunt won’t be happy about you stealing her childhood like that.

  5. I think experts generally are a bunch of useless cunts!

    For example, when it comes to our economy, the Chancellor consults with the cunts over at the BoE, and that useless twat, Make Carney, who is supposedly an expert in his field,

    This cunt then has a meeting with a bunch of other economic “experts” with regards whether to raise or lower interest rates.

    Now if they’re all experts surely they will all agree one way or the other. But they never do because some will say “rise rates” some will say “lower rates” others will say “no change”

    So if they all have different opinions how the fuck does that make them experts?

    For “expert” read “cunt”

  6. I was a lorry driver for 22 years and took a long load to London, i was struggling to get into the yard when a window cleaner climbed down his ladder to tell me what I was doing wrong.
    I let him finish then asked him if he’d ever driven an artic, he said no but I’ve always wanted to!!

  7. The same thing as having wimminz give their opinions on how male footballers, rugby players or cricketers should play.

    The cricket world cup was the worst for it. You had Joffrah Archer bowling at 95 mph. The fastest wimminz bowlers bowl at about 60mph.

    And yet there was the male host asking the split arse on the panel how she would handle hostile fast bowling.

    I’ll tell you how she’d handle bowling like that. In an intensive care unit eating through a tube up her cunt.

    But of course, she gave the male batsmen her ‘advice’ on how to deal with such a bowling attack.

    Fuck off.

    • Spot on! That Yankee dyke ,Raper or Rapper or what ever wants equality in football . Let her play in ,say, Burton Albion v Pompey. She would be substituted within five minutes or carried off totally crocked.
      Owen Jones remains a cunt.

  8. I was thinking of starting my own YouTube channel to help people who want to become a cunt like myself . I first got the bug many years ago after reading sun tzu’s the art of cun and I took to it like a cunt to water from then on I couldn’t get enough of being a cunt .I’ve had years of practice now and I still don’t consider myself an expert but I always find inspiration by watching the news and seeing all the mega cunts. I am in awe at their complete mastery of cuntmanship and their demonstrations of cuntessence every time they open their cunt mouths gives me something to aspire to.

  9. Heres an idea. Get someone who actually knows what they’re fucking doing to do it. Things don’t magically clip out and clip in. Most of the wank on YouTube would confuse most nuckle dragging, low information remoaners. Oh wait. Fuck em.

  10. It sounds like we’re cunting father-in-laws. It would seem those cunts have done everything from inventing the english language to splitting the fucking atom.
    Just when I honestly don’t think I can roll my eyes any further up into my head it turns out he won world war two by using a cordless drill better than me.
    I’m thinking of seeing if he can recieve a 16lb sledge to the head better than other people too.

    • I love a armchair expert, they make me laugh!
      Everything from bomb disposal to cutting timber hehe,
      Just humour them, if its a dangerous power tool give em a go!
      They tend to be bored older blokes,
      Let them get involved!
      Go on mate up the ladder….

    • “I’m thinking of seeing if he can recieve a 16lb sledge to the head better than other people too.”

      OMG – I’m crying from laughing so hard. That’s ace. Cheers CF. That made my day.

  11. An apt and timely cunting, Sir Dick. Thanks to a bastard gang of pine beetles, two incredible large pine trees in my front garden will have to be felled in the coming weeks. I’d estimate they’re somewhere between 80 and 100 ft tall and the larger of the two is so large that you can’t get your arms around it. Yep, they’re big fuckers.

    My tree guy will be doing the deed when his schedule allows. I hope to be home to witness this as I have fuck all idea how it’s done. I’m really hoping they chainsaw it at ground level and let it fall where it may. I’m sure there’s more precision involved and if so, hope I can nominate which cunt neighbour’s house gets crushed. It’s going to be tricky though because I’m surrounded by absolute cunts. Still, I’ll be able to royally piss off at least two of them.

    • Just as a possibility of course… I’m sure you could clarify exactly how much of a cunt you can be by simply setting fire to them at the base….

      • Don’t give me ideas, Cuntflap. You never know, it might make you an accessory. 🙂 But since we’re on the subject, base of the trees or base of the neighbours? Either or both would work for me!

          • I’ll keep y’all posted LL – as they say around these parts. They all know I hate their fucking guts and they should be more scared because I bought a semi-automatic hand gun a few months back. All legal and above board of course.

          • Fucking great! Trees on fire and semi automatics!
            Don’t suppose you can get an assault rifle too? After a couple of bottles of whiskey it could end up like a scene from ‘Predator’.

            A nosy neighbour of mine once moved immediately after a semi-naked bourbon fuelled machete sharpening session in the shared back yard. Fucking hippy.

  12. Feck me mr fiddler the fucking times I’ve been given the benefit of advice by every tom dick and harry on how to shoe a pony, us farriers are at the bottom of the horse world every vet , riding instructor, saddler and know nothing old minge with a riding crop stuffed in their boot is an expert, I’ve never slagged off a vets stitching up of a horse or told someone how to ride but boy does the man getting 7 types of shit kicked out of him and razor sharp nails pulled into your hands and then same nail getting ripped out get it, couldnt agree with your nom more sir. Know alls, cunts to a man.

  13. Splendid cunting Fiddler.

    Had some helmet try to “coach” me on the quick way to restring and tune a 12 string Rickenbacker the other weekend….

    Utter fucking spastic then saw fit to praise me to the hilt for the way I then played it. Clueless fucking turd.

  14. You fuckers want to try and do my job. Since the plethora of ambulance programmes, every man/woman jack is an ‘expert’ in emergency care, proffering advice. I’ll never forget turning up at a job and the cunt had died. We were just about to radio control for the police, (standard procedure for an unexpected death), and in comes a neighbour through the open door asking us why we’re not starting BLS and he’s a first aider. The cunt. Told him that he’d got hypostasis which is a sign incompatible with life but you’re welcome to try. He walked away to the sound of us sniggering. Another time, we’re with a sick kid. Neighbour watching us like a hawk as we go in, hovering. You know the type. I go out to the truck to get a piece of kit, she pounces:

    ‘Do you need a hand’

    ‘Are you a doctor’?

    ‘No’.

    ‘A nurse’?

    ‘No’.

    ‘A paramedic or any sort of ambulance clinician’?

    ‘No’.

    ‘We’ll manage’.

    Fucking public.

  15. Two unemployed Irish blokes are walking down the street and see an advert reading ‘Tree fellers wanted, plenty of work’ …one says to the other ‘What a shame Paddy, if only there was one more of us eh, we’ll find work soon don’t worry about that’.

    • Just saw your post on the Katie Hill nom B&W, good to clear the air on any misunderstandings that may arise or when things stop being banter.

      • Cheers LL,
        I don’t understand someone who thinks you can joke about slavery but not what happened during the war. I don’t give a shit about jokes as that’s what they are and sometimes there is a lot of truth in them.
        You’ve got to be able to have a laugh at most things and especially yourself…or whats the point.

        • Hey youll like this one b&w c
          free africa now!for africa no free /i&i nah go free!this is the rastaman vibration! Just for u b&w c cos i thought you need cheering up!

    • Paddys newly married, carries his bride upto the bridal suite, she strips her dress off, walks over to the bed and naked spreads her legs seductive like,
      “Paddy you know what I want dont you?
      “By the look of it the whole fuckin bed!”
      I miss irish jokes, they were everywhere as a kid, good old Frank Carson R.I.P

  16. I get random arseholes fronting me out of the blue all the time. I run a cleaning company. I admit the work does not require Mensa level brilliance, but the amount of compliance hoops I need to jump through at some sites plus the number of ratbag bludgers who beg me for work then skive off despite being paid well with full entitlements keeps me on my toes. But I can tolerate all that shit. It’s when some prissy bitch or a bloody moofta corporate sociopath, en route to a colleague lynching, feels an overwhelming need to stop and tell me how I should be mopping a fucking floor that really pisses me off. And they often use their personal take on psychology, gleaned from the latest feel good App, to patronise me into submission. Most of them are glorified striped shirted salesmen and women anyway.
    Cunts.

  17. The bird in the picture looks reasonably fit. Replace the safety glasses with a pair of black rimmed specs, stick a lighted tab between her lips and I’d be well up for it!

      • Ah, the mammaries… I haven’t been dosed with bromide since they forced me to join the Combined Cadet Force in 1967 and put it in the coffee at Summer Camp.

    • I doubt it’ll be much fun if she’s carrying on in the spirit of the nom.
      “not like that”
      “not in there”
      “if it was my cock I’d do it like this”
      “I’d do it for longer”
      “slower”
      “faster”
      “no, stop, stop right there”

      “Fucking twat, I’m off.”

  18. I can’t quite remember the saying, but it’s something along the lines of;
    Stay silent, and let the world think you’re an idiot, or speak up and leave no doubt. This should be a YouTube motto. The amount of clueless wankers on there are dwarfed by the even more retarded cunts who lap it up. I’m talking about the conspiracy cunts. When challenged on their truly unbelievable rants, they tell you to do some research. But, their research is normally a 20 minute video on YouTube by some swivel eyed prick talking about chemtrails or some other type of nonsense that can be debunked by a five year old. Since the invention of the internet, there has never been greater access to information, yet people are getting dumber, because they still rely on belief rather than peer reviewed, proven evidence, all because it feeds their outlook, rather than actually learning something.

    • Well i can suggest something(a strange subject)to some but none the less backed up real physicsl evidence by scientists and im not talking so much about old documentarys either /a hell of a lit more and no conspiracys either !i could tempt you to become a true believer or not.

  19. Yes, we all know an expert who has never actually done it, and postgrad students are a fertile source of those. If I thought they read ISAC I’d name them. But, regarding the uselessness of Youtube videos as compared, say, with the factory manual and commonsense –

    WTF is this passion for ‘unboxing’ videos on Youtube? I really don’t get the motivation either to make or watch them..
    Scene 1: A box
    Scene 2: A geek talks a lot before
    Scene 3: Slowly opening the box and
    Scene 4: Displaying the inner packaging, then
    Scene 5: Opening the inner packaging (repeat 4 &5 for heavily-packaged item)
    Scene 6: Displaying the contents of the box, including all the packaging and the geek’s unmade bed
    Finale: words from geek exposing his delusion that the foregoing has been of any material use to anyone
    Roll credits; ad for Grammarly introducing next unboxing epic.

  20. All about the anniversary of the Berlin Wall on the telly. Clips of Khol, Gorbachev, Reagan. Absolutely nothing about the man instrumental in its falling, who was actually there, rallying the people in song.

    The Hoff.

  21. Everyone’s an expert in policing. You only have to read the comments section on any story to do with policing, and some comments by a couple of cunts on a few threads on here, to realise that.

    • Indeed, but that is understandable when you realise that the real experts (those that get paid for their expertise) are people like Cressida Strapon and Neil ‘Inspector Clouseau’ Basu.
      They couldn’t catch a fucking cold between the pair of them.

  22. Now I am no expert but……

    Trees, what a load of ‘Pollards’

    Employed a tree surgeon a number of years back to lop off the upper branches of a tree close to the property, he said you want it pollarding….

      • Evening Spoons,
        God that show (hi de hi) was dreadful.
        Remember Paul Shane in it?
        Well youtube him singing ‘youve lost that loving feeling’ its brilliant!
        If i could do links id put it up,
        Beemack would love it!

        • Evening MNC, I searched on YouTube, ‘paul shane pebble mill you’ve lost that loving feeling the whole song.’
          It’s hilarious but good at the same time. I can feel his passion in his performance. 🙂

          • Nice one Gene!
            Love that clip, in Hi de Hi paul was a bit of a ageing Teddy boy wasnt he?
            As a kid we had a Chinese chippy that had a teddy boy bouncer!!
            No shit, a chippy with a bouncer, he wasnt a spring chicken but he was a tough old bleeder!
            Dont see teddy boys anymore eh?

  23. Who was the geezer with the leather strides……at least he could sing. You have to realise that when you get to a certain age you can’t hit the high notes any more……like a lot of other things you can’t do any more. 😩

  24. Thought for the day…

    With Olivia Coleman (cunt) appearing on the Bender Norton Show, is it the first time a horse has been interviewed on a British chat show?….

    Neigh lad, as my old granddad used to say…

  25. I got so pissed off with that sort of ‘constructive criticism’ as PC brigade refer to it, I now have a big sign on every hatch into the engine room that clearly states, in 4 languages, ‘TO AVOID INJURY, PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB!’ Seems to get the message across!

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