Armchair Experts

A finger-wagging, side-of-the-nose touching cunting for Armchair ‘Experts’, please.

You know the type: watched a few war films, played ‘Tour Of Duty-Cunt Ops’, suddenly an expert on all subjects warfare. BA pilots strike, they’re experts on flying ‘cos they’ve never crashed their PC’s flight simulator. Grenfell fire? If they’d been there, everyone would have got out alive and they’d have put the fire out with a CO2 extinguisher. Nursing? Anyone could do that. Ambulance pulls up, they crawl out of the wood-work. Found on newspaper forums and ‘phone-in shows fucking EVERYWHERE. The Daily Mail breeds the cunts. One or two, possibly one, using different logins, even frequent this fine site, (you know who you are, you cunt), until Admin catches up with them.

Best case I’ve had recently was an ‘expert’ at a sudden death we went to. Obviously deceased, hypostasis, pupils fixed and dilated; in pops the neighbour and comes out with “I’ve been a first aider for years, why aren’t you starting resuscitation?” We’re a paramedic crew, for fucks sake!!! We were (almost) lost for words, as he was shown the door.

Funny how all ‘Experts’ don’t do the job they’re ‘experts’ at, isn’t it? Cunts to a man/woman.

Nominated by DCI Gene Cunt

123 thoughts on “Armchair Experts

  1. r.e. recent death you attended – I’m no expert, but sounds like Lord Baskerville? Did you check for presence of large dog?

  2. Armchair experts are everywhere and a opinion on all trades, like that old Harry Enfield character “only me!”
    Did you try the ouija board Gene for that bloke?
    Oh you should of, thats where you went wrong, see, if thatd of been me id of….and so on
    Armchair experts? Shut it. Oh and would you mind awfully fuckin off?

  3. I completely agree DCI.
    However, I find many of the ‘real’ experts just as bad, particularly economic experts. We’ve all seen how accurate they are in the present climate.

    • …..and Mark Carney has made a very comfortable living here in London proving this very point for several years. The shameless epitome of a Project Fear apologist.

  4. It’s a little known fact that of all the investigative cases Hawaii based detective Magnum pi was involved in, he only managed to solve 3.14….

    • Magnum PI has now been re-made (Netflix I think) – the butler is now a bird etc., etc. What a load fo old cunt. Like the new Lost in Space with Dr Smith as a female. I’d give that Molly Parker one though.

      • Sure, remake it with a bird as the main protagonist, but she must wear the full mustache as a homage to the ouvre

  5. That’s all very well but I could have won that semi final against Croatia. While we were 1-0 in the second half, and under the cosh, I would have taken one of the back three off, put Vardy on and gone 4-4-2. Go long ball, shake up the Croats and give them something to think about. What did that wanker Southgate do? Stood there like a clueless cunt. I should have that job…..FACT!

    • Like going to the Emirates – I never understand why they pay one bloke several million a year to manage a team when there are sixty thousand or so fuckers who know better.

  6. I’m as thick as fuck at IT but I’m a fucking expert at golf!

    Alas I am an IT expert and have a 12 handicap in golf…

  7. If experts were so expert they would completely agree with each other. But as it is you have “experts” banging on about the economy, about Brexit and about climate change to name but three – but none of them agree, and all have opposing views. So how the fuck are they experts!?

    • ‘Experts’ couldn’t agree on the time, even if they were strapped to the clock face of Big Ben.

      Pay me a couple of grand & I’ll provide whatever opinion you want to hear…. no questions asked 😉

  8. Cut the red wire, no go on! 💣
    Saw it on danger uxb, its definitely the red one, as a qualified milkman think i know what im talking abo.💥💥

  9. I suppose we’ll all become armchair experts in the end spending hours and hours sat in a pissed stained one in some old people’s home.

    • Hello Miles!
      Glad your back, although you dont seem yer chipper self?
      You ok pal?
      Want some poetry later?
      Cheer yer up?
      Off uncle miserable?😁

      • Am ok Miserable just that word ‘armchair’ reminded me of sitting in my mother’s when we moved her bed into the living room when she got really old.
        Just how your thoughts run…

      • Tasteless joke of the week:

        Get to enjoy rubber sheets on the bed before they become a fact of life.

        Very ecological, just wipe over with a moist cunt (sorry “cloth”) occasionally. Carries health warning. Ecology might make you dream of Greta Thunderbox. In which case rubber sheets good against accidental shit explosion.

  10. I am not an expert, I did an Explosive Ordinance course once, I have fucked around with some shit, I really do not like handling detonators or detcord, I prefer to use crimps or pliars.
    I once met a demolition expert, at the introduction I looked him in the eye and reached out my hand to receive the emptiest hand shake ever, Thank fuck I do not have his expertise.

  11. The doctor who treated the two workers who fell off a gantry and into a machine that upholsters seat cushions, has said that one is comfortable and the second has fully recovered…

    • Like the two kids who got caught stealing fireworks and a battery from a shop: they let one off and charged the other.

  12. Yes like like the times when you’re doing yard work or d.i.y and you have some twat watching you and they’re secretly hoping you’ll fuck up.

    Funny how they never offer to help do they?

    …I hope you’re not referring to me DCI?

    Yard work?

    • Sorry probably an Americanism that crept in, and for that I am a cunt.

      Gardening, clipping your trees and hedge, mowing the lawn.

      I should have just said that but couldn’t be ars’d to type it.

  13. As an expert and a smug one at that, I disagree with this cunting. We know better than anyone else on a whole range of subjects.

  14. Wheres that Rtc got too? Not slaving over a hot eccles cake? Spoils that woman!
    An captain wheres he? Not out with Fiddler is he? Gassing little fox cubs for fun?
    Im bored! In the mood for mischief!

      • No, I’m not. I’m allergic to caravans and hate the smell of manure-reeking pîkeys.

        How goes it, Les Mis?

      • Hiya Cap!
        Yeah good cheers pal!
        You good? Didnt really think you were out being orrible to little defenceless creatures!
        Caravans? No joke cap but been looking at those shepherd hut things like David Cameron has?

      • WTF’s happened to your avatar Captain? Are you in hiding?
        Don’t blame you if you are… you’ve got well under the Cuntfinder General’s skin recently.
        His scabby green marrow is long and his vengeance is TOTAL!

      • We interrupt this program to take you over to Autumnwatch.

        Hello, you join us here at the Isacland Estate at the start of the rutting period.
        This is the mating season where the male red deer attempt to make themselves appear more interesting to the females of the herd. In doing so the stags challenge each other for dominance, often clashing and locking antlers in battle.

        Just coming into picture now you can see two young bucks facing up to each other.
        I can now recognise these two as Creampuff and Komodo, easily identifiable by their respective blue and red ear tags.
        These two often playfully engage each other before rearing away to clash on another day. Almost reaching maturity, both are steadily putting on weight, waiting for the day when they might be able to challenge the leader of the herd for supremacy.

        And yes, this is the moment I hoped you’d be joining us for! Just coming into shot to the left is the alpha male of the herd – Fiddler. He is instantly recognisable by his sheer size and the magnificent set of antlers. Following him are his harem of hinds.
        In order to attract the females, he relies very much on the sense of smell, soaking his body in mud and urine. Immediately, another mature male steps in front of Fiddler to challenge him. This time, we can identify him as Captain, a mature buck, showing signs of past battles with the red scars down his flanks.

        These two are not playing, as the clash of antlers echo through the still Autumn night. The battle goes on for twenty minutes with neither opponent giving way.
        Finally, Captain rears away, knowing that he is defeated on this occasion but that it is only a matter of time before he will challenge again and try to assert his dominance over the ageing leader of the herd.

        There has been concern at Isacland for some time over poachers. With venison fetching £3.20 a kilogram, measures have been taken to protect the herd.
        Captain alone would represent 100kg of Prime venison steak which could sell for £500 on the black market. Fortunately for Fiddler, he would be too tough to regard as an edible proposition. However, local travellers are always looking for carcasses to meet their growing need for glue used in their extensive range of trades.
        From here at the Isacland Estate, I hand you back to the studio. (Heard off camera: “Michaela, will you just come and hold this for me?”)

      • Evening compatriots,

        MNC, I don’t know about Shepherd Huts. My comment was directed at stinky, creepy bumpkins and their tawdry hovels. I could never live like a farmer. Eating maggoty pigeons and shitting in a bucket. Psh.

        I’m not sure about the avatar. I’ve purchased my second ever smart-mobile so I suppose it’s all gone tits up. Yegad, Years of the sickly green face have gone. It looks like I’ve had two weeks in Torremelinos.

      • Your avatar’s back again Herr Kapitan! Was beginning to think you might be an imposter…

      • Evening, Capn !

        Eating maggoty pigeons and shitting in a bucket sounds quite metropolitan Cardiff, from where I’m living…

    • I’m no expert Miserable, but wasn’t that picture of Gene Wilder used for the ‘Selective Reporting’ nom last week?

      PS: my armchair is a disgrace. Am off to the British Heart Foundation tomorrow to get a replacement.

      • Yeah Rtc,same picture! Think its used a lot for ‘memes’ .
        He was great wasnt he Gene Wilder?
        Liked him a lot!
        Armchair? Havent got one Rtc, 2 big leather sofas covered in sheepskin rugs and furry cushions that get on my tits! Would like a armchair if your offering though?

      • Gene Wilder… loved him in The Producers and Blazing Saddles.


      • PS: you wouldn’t like my armchair if you saw it. It’s worse than my hair.

      • And young Frankenstein.
        Way i read it Rtc was you were offering to buy me a armchair?
        Looked online found few i like, dont know what sort of budget you were thinking?
        Cant really back out now! Thatd be indian-giving!
        Whats this N.i.a.g.w.y.u. thing?

      • Not In A Gay Way, You Understand. 😀

        Re: armchair – you’re getting worse than Blunty when it comes to misunderstandings!

      • No you clearly offered to buy me a armchair.
        Your off the hook anyway!
        Told mrs miserable id met a man called creampuff on a website who was offering to buy me things and she said ‘not a chance! Told you about talking to strange men!’
        Stuck up for you though!
        Told her your not as strange as the others on here!

      • … When things go wrong I feel real bad.
        I’m just a soul whose intentions are good
        Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.
        35 years old that song is! Amazing.

      • I tell you what MNC – you’re not far off the mark there as I retired early from full time work!

      • Wow only joking as well!
        Dunno if ill ever retire mate.
        Enjoy working and it keeps me from mischief!

      • If you retired MNC, you’d end up being a full time cunter. I can’t see Mrs M wearing that!

      • No me neither.
        You do any sports or hobbies Bertie?
        When im older fancy playing bowls!
        No joke! Always liked it.

      • Unfortunately no longer. My mobility is knackered. Used to love caravanning and fishing as you might have guessed. Must get the Gone Fishing book based on the series as it’s written by Bob!

      • Is it? Oh ill look out for that!
        Need a going away book for my holiday. 👍👍

  15. As an ‘expert’ of the Stretford End variety (ie: a Newton Heath cunt) I reckon Solksjaer isn’t enough of a cunt for the job… I like the bloke, but all the greats at MUFC or those who actually did something were good managers and cunts in equal measure… Sir Matt, The Doc, Big Ron, Fergie and LVG were all cunts at times… Nice guys like McGuinness, O’ Farrell, Moyes just didn’t have that extra cunt quality about them… And it looks like Ole is going the same way…

    Mourinho? Well, he was a cunt… But that’s all he was….

    • I think you might have summed the situation up perfectly there.
      I don’t wish to intrude on private grief but who would you fancy as the next cunt?

      • I don’t know, Bertie… I don’t know who would want to work with cunts like the Glazers, Woodward, Pogba and Lingard…

      • How would you feel with Roy Keane as assistant manager? I think he’d put a rocket up some of the lazy buggers, given the right manager to go with him.

      • Thing is Bertie is that players are softarses nowadays… They can’t take a bollocking even if it’s deserved and there is also a grass culture on social media… Someone like Keane would not go down well with fairies like Rashford, Lingard, and Pogba…

        I reckon Keane and Cantona (as No 1) would be ideal, but the soft cunts who play for United wouldn’t agree… Also, that ET lookalike cunt Woodward just wants a yes man… Which neither Roy or Eric are…

      • You’re right Norman. The days of the “hard men” like Keane and Souness, also managers like Fergie, are well and truly over.
        I suppose it’s no more than a reflection of society going soft in general, a common theme that we’re always railing on about here.

  16. Great cunting, DCI. Fuck me, those types are annoying.

    On a similar note, I worked with a student nurse many, many years ago, ‘mentoring’ her (code for: I had her arse tagging along next to me all fucking day on the ward) Now the idea of mentoring was that you work with the student and ‘teach them the ropes’ as it were. You also have to assess their abilities as you go along)

    Well why fucking bother with this cunt? She knew it all already:

    Giving an IM injection – “Oh no, that isn’t how you do it, Debbie. You do it like THIS!”

    Putting a nasogastric tube down – “Shouldn’t you be doing it THIS way?”

    Drug dosages – “I actually already know that Paracetamol is 10-15 mg per kg”

    I literally could not tell this obnoxious little cunt a damned thing. I had to stave off the screaming urge to cosh her over the head with a bed pan or strangle her with a bandage every….fucking….shift.

    When she eventually qualified, she got a job on the ward and was even WORSE. Needless to say I left that ward pretty soon afterwards.


    • Just wait till you’re asked to treat vaginitis on some blokes cock – just because he identifies as a she today!

      Remember: diversity, inclusivity and equality are our greatest strengths!


      • …or even worse Nurse, GP Receptionists (I nominated these fuckers years ago). Their fortnight behind the counter is worth FAR more than all those years in Medical school.

  17. I watched that cunt Ed balls on this morning. He’s a fucking armchair expert on Brexit. I nearly spat my toast out as the cunt claimed a good Brexit would probably take a few years to sort out properly. IT’S BEEN 3 YEARS ALREADY YOU TOTAL FUCKING CUNT.
    The amount of shit these traitorous cunts spout is getting beyond a joke now.
    Balls by name.. Cunt by nature.

    • Ed Balls-Up is expert at one thing and one thing only: being a cunt!

      Mind you, that particular expertise does seem prevalent in the Labour Communist Party these days.

      In fact some would say Steptoe, McNationalise, Abbott and Lammy are actually specialists in the field!


      • Somebody should remind Balls that his constituents kicked his useless arse down the road for a reason. And yes, they knew EXACTLY what they were voting for.

  18. I find alcohol makes me an expert on all kinds of things. If pissed enough, I can be a boxing expert (“NNnoo, thhhhissh is how you stand”) or even a trained pilot (“They say if you can fly a jumbo jet on FSX then you can fly a real one. Put a plaaane (hic) outside this pub right knnnnow you cunt and I’ll have us all in Bangkok for breakfast you twats.”

    I can also confirm that England would’ve won every world cup since 1998 with me in charge, as I was very pissed during almost all of England’s games.

    • Most people who’ve ever played championship manager think they can lead England to world cup glory.
      Sometimes I think they might have a point, especially the period of our ‘golden generation’ 1998-2006.

  19. Look no further than the conspiracy bellends for the ultimate in this cuntery. Why study for years, then apply what you have studied for years when you can watch a YouTube video and know better? Most of these morons reached their intellectual high point in nursery school, but 20 minutes later, they can give a lecture on fluid dynamics, astrophysics, geology, microwave radiation, and a whole host of subjects they couldn’t even spell, let alone understand. It proves that old adage ‘stay quiet, and let the world think you’re an idiot, or speak up, and leave them no doubt’…..

  20. I see Greggs have mouthed off that they are stockpiling pork and may have to lay off staff because of a “no deal Brexit.”
    That’s another shop on my banned list.
    Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy. Hope they go bust the dirty remoaner cunts.

    • No hardship Freddie, I’ll join you in solidarity, everything tastes like shite from Greggs anyway!

      • Greggs are only stockpiling pork because Lady Nugent has now cottoned onto their pastry encapsulated snacks, the porky bee-atch.

        I wonder if Jess Phillips is a similar threat to the nation’s stock of pastry-encapsulated processed porcine?

        As an aside, it is interesting to note that if you Google images ‘Jess Phillips Hot’ that there are no pictures of her whatsoever looking anything remotely hot. It is an impossibility for the woman to be considered even slightly attractive. I have seen more attractive knackers yard contenders (with better teeth).

        Give it a Google and see what I mean.

      • Has that shrieking fishwife Phillips had a cunting here yet? I’m too pissed to do it now but it’s long overdue.

      • Hercules the farthorse is better looking, and JP smells like Steptoe’s “zookeper’s boots”

    • Funny that, I read last week that the Chinese were buying up all our pork, because they have fucked their supply up. So, fuck all to do with Brexit, everything to do with rapacious over breeders quaffing our bacon. Fuck Greggs anyway, their pastry is minging, full of oil. Ten minutes after eating one, it’s like chugging a litre of castrol. No wonder it’s the go to eatery for fat fucks.

  21. Saw a documentary about WW1? You’re a History Professor.
    Read an article about Genetics? Collect your PhD.
    Precocious teeny with over-reaching parents? Arise, Saint Greta.

  22. The Old Fools
    Philip Larkin
    What do they think has happened, the old fools,
    To make them like this? Do they somehow suppose
    It’s more grown-up when your mouth hangs open and drools,
    And you keep on pissing yourself, and can’t remember
    Who called this morning? Or that, if they only chose,
    They could alter things back to when they danced all night,
    Or went to their wedding, or sloped arms some September?
    Or do they fancy there’s really been no change,
    And they’ve always behaved as if they were crippled or tight,
    Or sat through days of thin continuous dreaming
    Watching the light move? If they don’t (and they can’t), it’s strange;
    Why aren’t they screaming?

    At death you break up: the bits that were you
    Start speeding away from each other for ever
    With no one to see. It’s only oblivion, true:
    We had it before, but then it was going to end,
    And was all the time merging with a unique endeavour
    To bring to bloom the million-petalled flower
    Of being here. Next time you can’t pretend
    There’ll be anything else. And these are the first signs:
    Not knowing how, not hearing who, the power
    Of choosing gone. Their looks show that they’re for it:
    Ash hair, toad hands, prune face dried into lines –
    How can they ignore it?

    Perhaps being old is having lighted rooms
    Inside you head, and people in them, acting
    People you know, yet can’t quite name; each looms
    Like a deep loss restored, from known doors turning,
    Setting down a lamp, smiling from a stair, extracting
    A known book from the shelves; or sometimes only
    The rooms themselves, chairs and a fire burning,
    The blown bush at the window, or the sun’s
    Faint friendliness on the wall some lonely
    Rain-ceased midsummer evening. That is where they live:
    Not here and now, but where all happened once.
    This is why they give

    An air of baffled absence, trying to be there
    Yet being here. For the rooms grow farther, leaving
    Incompetent cold, the constant wear and tear
    Of taken breath, and them crouching below
    Extinction’s alp, the old fools, never perceiving
    How near it is. This must be what keeps them quiet:
    The peak that stays in view wherever we go
    For them is rising ground. Can they never tell
    What is dragging them back, and how it will end? Not at night?
    Not when the strangers come? Never, throughout
    The whole hideous inverted childhood? Well,
    We shall find out.

    • Like it when you do a bit of poetry Miles!
      Just watched a documentary about Patti Smith, she was a poet, know who I mean?
      Sang “because the night…

    • Commented on your poem Miles!
      But in moderation, should be out by morning, contracted the maskinback curse!

      • Not very cheery bloke Larkin. In fact my contributions today haven’t need very cheery either. I should nick part of your ‘handle’
        Miserable Miles! No Miles Miserable!

      • “The peak that stays in view wherever we go
        For them is rising ground….”

        Ouch. Larkin’s a genius.

  23. One thing I will say guys. Everyone on here is a nailed on expert at spotting a cunt when they see one. Just take a look at The Wall.

    • Whats this ‘wall’?
      I use my phone on here and dont see anything about a wall?!

      • Fuck me Miserable, you really are Peter Sutcliffe – blind as a bleedin’ bat!

        The header at the top of the this page, with all the cunts mug shots plastered over it… is The GREAT WALL OF CUNTS.

      • No Rtc, not if on a phone, Richard scudamore, can flick it to treason may and John Lewis adverts, but thats it!
        Wondered before when cunters mentioned it!

      • Its like an IsAC version of the House of Lords, a chosen cunt is granted this great honour after reaching ten noms.

  24. I’m an expert on politicians creating poverty so children get taken into care then fucked and murdered then fucked again by the elite.
    I’m an expert.

  25. On my iPhone the front page is a cunting of Richard scudamore dated dec 2018. The Wall is only on the desktop. No big deal except it gets boring. Maybe admin can check it out?

      • On a Android phone sixdog, as 3 stroke says only lets you see scudamore,John lewis, treason may, thats it! Dunno why?

      • Not sure how wordpress works, never administrated it. I’m just grateful I can come on here an cunt cunts. GiffGaff won’t let me view it at all and fucking Post Office ISP black it altogether so when I’m at the GF’s gaff I can’t cunt any cunts at all.

        I know my fellow Cunters are dishing out cuntings in my absence.

        I have missed out on cunting some cunts that totally needed a cunting, keep the nominations coming.

  26. You can switch to desktop mode by scrolling down the bottom of the page and its all gravy.

    • on a phone that is scrool down and you can choose mobile or desktop version. If you use Google chrome as your phones browser you can request desktop version on the as well.

  27. I’m having a new engine put into my armchair. Not only will it have a sporty backrest and mobile footrest – it’ll drive round the lounge at 100mph

    Don’t believe me – cunts
    Buy my record

Comments are closed.