It’s about time that babies received a cunting.

They smell, dribble and shit themselves and frankly have appalling personal habits. They cause a nuisance of themselves by continually crying and are disruptive in aeroplanes. They also tyrannise their parents.

However, their worse habit is insisting that their poor parents take them into the maternal or paternal workplace so they can cooed over by embarrassed work mates pretending to admire them. This ritual is embarrassing and difficult and whenever I hear a baby approach my office, my usual routine is to leap out of the window ( even though I’m on the fourth floor). Parents should stop doing this and stop giving into their babies unreasonable demands to present themselves at work.

Fuck off.

Nominated by Marvellous Mechanical Cunting Machine

27 thoughts on “Babies

  1. A great cunting and one I’m completely fucking on board with.

    Got a daughter of my own, she does my tits in most days. Don’t get me wrong, I love her but fuck me I do wonder how happy / rich etc. we’d be had we not had a child.

    Then the sister-in-law turns up with her honking little feral shit stain of a 2-year old; “ah, she loves uncle D*** and just wants to cuddle him”…..

    FUCK OFF, grubby little bastard, don’t touch anything in my house and don’t come anywhere near me, horrid little smelly, scruffy cunt. Babies are cunts of the highest order.

  2. I dont have kids (for the greater good of humanity I chose not to reproduce) as such I have received peer pressure to have one.
    One Christmas after being harassed into reproduction I noted my older brother crouching on the floor, he had his eldest perched on his knee and his youngest had its arms round his neck whilst trying to repeatedly kick him in the bollocks.
    Yep that really looked like fun to me, I still have yet to reproduce.

  3. Absolutely agree on this one. “Oh, you’ve reproduced – very well done you”

    I am not vain enough to want to force more copies of myself upon society – one is quite enough. Plenty of cunts already about, if you look….

  4. That is a great cunting MMCM it is like saying you don’t like Mum and Apple pie. What really fucks me off are Mothers with baby slings and shit like that with an expectation of special privileges just because they have reproduced. I call it the ‘look I’ve got a baby syndrome ‘

    In the immortal words of Sir Richard Fuck Them

    • 😊 Mum and apple pie are the only things I like. Everything else is horseshit 😉

  5. The buggers have ruined many a good tight fanny and set of perky tits,for that alone the selfish little benefit-tickets deserve a Cunting. They also give the Mother an excuse to sit around on her fat arse saying that she’s too sore “down below” or has had to get a couple of stitches, to complete her wifely duties…” Got a mouth haven’t you?” is the correct retort if she plays that particular card.

    Fuck Off.

  6. I can’t stand babies. Horrible shit, puke and wail machines. They all look the same ie fucking ugly mutants. And don’t get me started on nappies. Foul synthetic shit hampers that end up killing off everything in the Pacific. Everyone knows when a baby is going to shit, it goes red in the face and does the noises that we do the same as adults. Hold them over the fucking bog from the word go.

    Now ‘toddlers’. Again don’t get me started. You get back what you put in. Screaming mini-cunts in supermarkets have not got ADHD, ASD or any other problem. They’re screaming because you’re a SHIT FUCKING PARENT, regardless of whether you’re Vicky Pollard or Tarquin and Emilia Hedley-Bishopston-Smythe.

  7. I’ve spent a kings ransom on my offspring which would instead have bought me unlimited rum,beer and a Turkish liver transplant.
    At least I’m not a prisoner in a Tunisian “hotel”..
    Fuck Mondays.

  8. Trouble is babies these days just don’t seem to know when to grow up! Even into their 20s and 30s they cry, moan and scream for attention (and probably shit themselves for good measure), always insisting on being pampered because they’re special little darlings!

    But then there’s the flip-side – babies today won’t know their born when they realise what fuckwit parents they have to deal with; especially if they are soon to be given no gender, and a stupid fucking name; followed by 18 years of being a social media product!

    Oh and of course these extra babies mean another fucking extra burden on the fucking tax payer!

    Fuck that for a game of soldiers

  9. I don’t know which is worse, babies or their grinning smug parents. There seem to be lots of people who believe that the future of the planet will be in doubt unless they deposit their own little bags of shit upon it. I made my mind up at an early age that I wasn’t going to raise any children and I haven’t. I didn’t want the trouble or the noise or the mess or the expense or the responsibility or the inconvenience. I fathered one but some other daft bastard raised her. Didn’t cost me one penny in child support. To all parents out there, keep your babies away from me, I’m not interested and I’m not impressed.

  10. I partly disagree with the nomination of babies but I would nominate the parents for having them I’ll tell you for why. Also, it’s not my intention to come across preachy. I’m not too good with words.
    For me, the babies can’t help being babies.. The parents chose to have children.
    No offence to parents on here.
    It’s the parents that don’t bother minding their children that fork me right off.
    For instance, I was in pub yesterday some parents let their children run around. It’s not a playground, ya can of can’t.

    To me, babies cry for all sorts of reasons. They could be hungry, thirsty, tired, over tired, wet, pooey, fed up, bored, anxious, annoyed with the parents (I imagine baby thinking ,’for fork sake, do I have to come to your workplace and be cooed over by imbeciles?!’), teething new teeth coming through, constipated etc etc. Babies are just like old people but are unable to get across to parents what they need.
    Dave Allen talking about children puts it better than I.

    I think Dave is hilarious.
    Dog rest his soul.

  11. I love babies……but in the RIGHT place and at the right time. The entirely wrong time being when you are trapped on a fucking plane with one….or even worse, two, three or four. It is literally like Guantanamo Bay torture suffering the whining, screaming, back-of-the-seat kicking little shitbags for a stretch longer than two hours….and even THAT is too long.

    I haven’t had kids of my own as yet and my biological clock may well be on its last fucking legs now, but I have been around enough babies to know that they can be both gorgeous and a pain in the arsehole in equal measures. From the time they start walking to four they are generally a fucking nightmare 99.9% of the time. Moaning, whinging, tantruming, kicking, throwing shit around and the list goes on and on.

    And of course all you ever get as a retort from their libtard parents when you lodge a complaint is, ” For goodness sake, he/she IS A CHILD!!!”

    My answer to that is “Yeah, but YOU are an adult and the parent, so fucking do your job and be one, instead of pandering to the little shit”.

    I have to say though that of all the children I cared for on the Paediatric Ward, babies (as in new babies) were by far the easiest to care for.

    They sleep 99.9% of the time.
    You feed them, burp them, change them and they are as happy as a pig in shite.
    They don’t, or rather can’t fight back when you are shoving a nasogastric tube down their nose or sticking medication in their piehole (bless their cotton socks.)

    Give me a newborn over a ‘Child of Lucifer’ toddler any day.

  12. It’s ok because for every European kid not born there’s about 8 non-European kids being born in their place.

  13. Great cunting. I loathe babies, and the children they grow into. What little brains some people have seems to disappear when they breed. Any sense of empathy seems to desert them, as they don’t give a fuck about anything other than their little burden, and themselves. Why else would you take a baby on holiday, subjecting your fellow passengers to the mewling little turd non stop, and shoot glares of pure hatred to anyone who shows the slightest indifference to your plight. I couldn’t give a fuck, they chose to have kids, so they should make the sacrifices, not me. The most important thing in their lives is the least important in mine. And, I’m so glad to see I’m in good company here. Sometimes, I thought I was the only one to think this way.

  14. I think that Graham Norton said ” Kids are like farts, everyone thinks theirs is fantastic, but everyone elses is horrible

  15. “They smell, dribble and shit themselves and frankly have appalling personal habits. They cause a nuisance of themselves by continually crying…”

    Thought you were talking about your average Remoaner.

  16. Excellent! These creatures need to be locked away with wet-nurses until such time that they can walk, control their bowel movements, stop dribbling and screaming for no apparent reason. This would make them about 5 years old before seeing the light of day.
    Of course you then have the problem of the 6-10 year olds, followed by the 11-12 year olds tantrums and the terrible teens.
    perhaps just better NOT to have ANY kids whatsoever – the planet would thank us!

  17. Drop kick the little fuckers through the nearest window, that’s what I imagine in my happy place every time a kid gets handed to me,even when you say no.

  18. These days babies grow up into snowflakes then proper cunts, can see in the future them popping out with a mobile in hand getting straight into that infantile self absorbed pastime

  19. all us so called heartless bastards ever had at school was a sand pit and played with sticks and walked to school not strapped into some 4×4 monstrosity and piddling around with a laptop or mobile and we’re all better for it so yes modern babies are cunts

  20. Apparently I was a cute baby and girls and women were always hugging, cuddling, kissing and coochy-coochying me, something that never happened in adolescence on adulthood, The best days of my life and I can´t remember a thing about them. Typical!

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