Airline Adverts

Obviously created by people who have never actually been on a plane in their lives.

They’ve never had the hassle of getting to the airport hours before the flights, queuing to get through security, taking off your shoes and belt, immigration and customs, which in some places literally takes hours, being fleeced by the cafes and restaurants in the departure area, logging on beforehand to try and get a seat beside your dearest so you can at least hold hands when the plane crashes. Ryanair, for example, deliberately separates couples so they can charge them for the pleasure of being squeezed together on seats that have as much space as a lavatory seat. “Food” that pigs would refuse and fellow passengers who are so uncouth they would have been thrown off galley slaves or Viking longboats. Don´t even think about the cramped stinking toilets where you bang your head trying to wipe your arse after voiding you bowels of the in-flight dysentery, i.e. “meal”.

Yet look at the adverts. Everyone has empty seats on either side, are relaxed because the weather is great, no turbulence or crying babies and they are surrounded by a harem of stewardesses wearing nothing underneath their uniforms who are just waiting to introduce them to the pleasures of the four-mile high club.

Nominated by Mr Polly

76 thoughts on “Airline Adverts

  1. Of course if you’re a rich cunt and/or a celeb you can just upgrade to business class where you see the likes of Kevin Spacey bigging up how great American Airlines is/was, as he sits in his large recliner chair and getting a good service from the stewardesses, the dirty pervy cunt!

    Meanwhile what you don’t see in the same ad is the cow shed that is “economy class”, and all the fat cunts, loud screaming cunts, smelly cunts and other low-life cunts try to make you life as a normal passenger a complete fucking misery!

  2. I always turn left. Here you get to spend a few hours watching telly,drinking and sleeping. I recommend staying in coach with an E or 2.. That way you can still drink and watch telly and save yourself £5000

  3. The secret of flying is to choose a decent airline and seat and remain half pissed for the duration. Not pissed, just semi pissed.
    Oh, and steer clear of Ryan Air and BA.
    KLM for Seffrica, Jet2 for Europe.
    Security is a cunt however you go.

    • Stansted cunt security. They have a fucking tranny security “guard” who looks like a Welsh prop forward in woman’s clothes. Give the white family with two pre-school kids the third degree, while waving through the letter-boxes. Not allowed to profile coz it’s wacist.

  4. Yeh definitely made by the same cunts who make the car adverts!, I’ve just returned from holiday and ended up with my knees under my chin and screeching babies in surround sound!
    Also the trolly dollies bare no resemblance to the ones in the adverts,
    Most are sour faced old cunts who’ve flown too much , look like Pauline fowler and need to go work in a fucking launderette!! Miserable cunts!
    Unfortunately we booked late and went with meat package specialists TUI , we were flown to Cyprus on some shitty 737 narrow bodied jet, 4.55 hours with not a jot of entertainment other a screen showing you where you were going? Yeh thanks cunts It was on my ticket..
    worse still on the way home they topped our plane up with moaning Thomas cook cunts who bleated all the way back to Gatwick? No idea why as they had finished their holidays and managed to cadge a lift home? Some poor cunts will be out there for a week plus…..

  5. >Bing Bong<

    Will all passengers on the Ryanair's Floight P-1KEY please go ter Boarding Gate 4 ter be fleeced fer charges on breathing, talking, and having a shit. You might have to pay further charges if you have anytink in yet pockets. Enjoy yer floight.

    • RoianAir pilot to groind cuntroil…

      My height is 4’3″ and my position is the front seat.

      Aaaaargh, feck ! Begorrah.

    • Whoa, hold up der Captain, we hadent finished tarmacking der runway yet an its nearly smoko breaktime.

    • 2 bob cunts providing a 1 star service

      People complaining about the service?
      What do you expect flying to Barcelona for the price of a Big Mac ya cunts?
      Just be thankful you got there in one piece…..

      • Perhaps they have extra charges to compensate for the future re-routing around the UK as after Brexit they won’t be able to fly over us. No, no, it’s true, the CEO of Ryanair said so himself while trying to flog me some lucky heather.

  6. I had the pleasure of taking an internal flight in Russia donkey’s years ago, on a scabby looking Aeroflot Tu154.
    The only ‘hostess’ on board was smoking cigs like a bastard, but as the passengers were myself, some sweaty bloke wearing just a pair of shorts and shoes, and what I think was his pet dog, no one raised any concerns.

    • Happy days – I miss the cold war. Mind you, I flew in the Tu154 equivalent DC9 in Venezuela with a Jock. He was shitting himself after I told him what a piss poor safety record Venezuelan airlines had. Mind you, we then had to transfer to a Dornier tail-dragger that sounded liek a WW2 bomber – perhaps it was, you know all those Luftwaffe gruppen leaders went to South America.

    • As a student decades ago, I got the train from Munich to Sofia, shared compartment with a small goat and a couple of baskets of live fowl.
      No kidding.

  7. I’ll book a ticket on the aeroplane that runs the advert that says `Fly Sexy Airways where you can smoke and drink and you’ll be served by our topless trolley-dolleys.’

  8. I always book vip lounge. Get there 4hrs prior. Get fucking steaming, neck 2 Valium before getting on…and that’s about all I can remember until the morning after arrival.

    Mrs usually complains about me being a cunt and spilling my dinner on the geezer next to me or something, but hey, I’m off my tits so don’t give a fuck!

    Flying. Sorted!

  9. Ill never fly again, only did it for others anyway, stag dos, family hol, never liked it.
    Not in awe of aviation, to tall to sit in seats, hate foreign places& people,
    Wasted on me.
    So decided im never leaving my beloved country again, happier here.
    Little Greta would approve of my green and xenophobic attitude.

  10. In Oz The Flight Shop uses a male model in a pilots suit and hat as their emblem. Over the years they use different actors and not a single one has looked remotely capable of finding his own joystick, let alone operate an aircraft.

    There is no way I would get in a plane piloted by that stupid cunt.

    When I get in the front door the cabin crew meet me and point to my right. So not to the left ma’am?

    The Qantas preflight safety check advises that if you can reach the seat in front of you put your arms on the seat back in front to assume the brace position…and then ‘if you can’t reach the seat in front of you…” say what? If you’re a twisted armless dwarf perhaps.

    I also always thought the brace position was not to save a life but to protect the teeth to simplify the forensic process

  11. Sublime cunting Mr Polly! 😂

    I haven’t been on a plane for over 35 years. Back then it was relatively simple and straightforward… and I still hated every second of it. Same goes for trains.

    No way will I ever fly again. If Corbyn gets in I’ll steal a rubber dingy set sail for Dignitas.

  12. What always surprises me is the amount of people who buy drinks and snacks on the Newcastle/ Dublin flight. It only takes about an hour so why the fuck get ripped off with in-flight prices. By the time the stewardess gets round it’s just about time to land and they have to swill the drink down anyhow.
    A lot of The Gays are air-stewardesses. This is why I never allow myself to fall asleep on a plane…don’t want to wake up to some fruity gentleman attempting to gain membership to The Mile High Club at the expense of my ringpiece.

    • Wouldn’t you be woken by the repositioning or do you habitually sleep with your arse in invitation mode?

      • Yer rampant Gay is a remorseless beast…any hole’s a goal…I might be snoring away with my mouth open when Bang! he’ll strike.

      • Well of course he does……and his trousers round his ankles. The Gayness can creep up on anyone.

    • Mr. de P Fiddler, I seem to recall you referring to a romantic incident with an oriental wench in Dublin in a previous post. Were you by any chance revisiting her and avoiding the droop-inducing in-flight drinks to be on top form for the encounter? If so, how about some details or are you saving them for your memoirs?

      • Evening, Mr. Polly.

        It seems that the Eastern Europeans have taken over from the Orientals over the last few years…can’t say that I altogether approve,the Romanians or whatever they are tend to be hard-faced bits, I preferred the Chinky lasses.
        Will say that prices haven’t gone up in years,must be one of the few industries where you really do still get an honest “bang for your buck”

  13. Economics, fluctuating fuel prices, bolshie unions, ever increasing landing charges,ridiculous EU passenger compensation scheme where airlines have to fork out compo far exceeding what the pax has paid for his ticket, it is a difficult job for airlines to plan a steady predictable cash flow so if you expect 5 star service at economy rates you are deluding yourself, that aside BA is a pig of an airline and if an individual has the means I don’t begrudge them that luxury of paying the extra for what is admittedly far better service but I strongly object to the taxpayer funding such excess for all the research in the far flung corners of the world that our representatives find so necessary to indulge themselves in ( just look into that cunt Bercow’s expenses for travel)

  14. I’ve thought about this security bollocks before. There should be Missie flights and normal people flights. Jack and Doreen flying to Majorca for a fortnight are hardly going to want the fucking plane to blow up. I flew from Bangkok to Phuket in January with the Mrs, if you’ve noticed at the gate the front seats are for the disabled , pregnant , families with babies and old people. We took our seats about 5 rows back waiting for departure. In swans a couple of very loud pyjama wearing utter FUCKING CUNTS jabbering on like royalty. They took up 4 seats on the front row they were neither of the disabled etc genre. Not one person said anything. I looked round to see people’s reactions and about 85% of people waiting had a look of absolute disgust at the ignorant fuckers. Thais will never raise their voice against anyone for fear of losing face. The sheer lack of respect for anything by these goat interfering smelly cunts drives me fucking crazy. It’s the fault of these vermin that causes such a clusterfuck at airports throughout the world. Vote for muz only planes, Or put up with this shit.

  15. American Security Officers are cunts. All seem to have a large McDonalds frie on their shoulder. Surly, bad mannered and arrogant. At the end of the day we are bringing money into their economy the fucking turds. Last time I was in America one asked me to turn around and because I didn’t twirl around like Wayne Sleep in his prime he said “I haven’t got all day sir”. Fucking wanker. I do like America but my god they really do have their fair share of arrogant jobsworth jumped up, power trip shitheads.

  16. That’s one of the advantages to being a homebody. I’ve barely ever left my isle here to even travel to the mainland. Maybe 6 or 7 times I’ve even done that, so it’s no surprise that I have never been abroad. I’m sure we can all agree though, it doesn’t matter where you go, you would still end up surrounded by cunts.
    Seems mad to pay thousands for that, go to the hassle of jamming yourself inside a tin can of misery, to then just inevitably be despised by the locals and not even understand when they are calling you a cunt before they rip you off or rob you.

    Shit, give me a tenner and I will give you the full experience without the nightmare of flying.

      • I’m down on the little old Isle of Wight, amazingly I don’t think I’m the only one either. Only 20 odd miles across it’s longest point and it plays home to at least 1 other cunter here that I know of.

        They were a “grockle” that decided to stay I think though, but I will forgive them for that this time because they are clearly a good egg. Still, either a small world or we are gaining in number.

        • Never been Flipperlips, heard its nice?
          Been isle of man and liked it , fancy visiting a few isles in uk, especially some of the scottish isles.

          • I may be a bit biased, but I would say you would love it here. It’s right in that Goldilocks zone of being quiet and secluded enough that you can drop to a snail’s pace of life and not see another soul if you choose, but also developed enough that you are not without the day to day conveniences that you would come to expect anywhere else.

            I’m going to go ahead and say it too, it doesn’t seem to hurt that we are still ethnically 97% white and the locals voted in the 2/3 majority to leave here either.

  17. On a recent flight I went in Premium Economy with BA, dont get the bad mouthing BA …had a very nice flight and the food was actually good. Only shame was the air hostesses or lack of, it was this Italian bloke who I am pretty sure was one of The Gay. I noticed him smiling at me and he also gave me extra drinks, he even started telling me to buy the cigarettes at the final destination and not from BA. The other one was this 50 year old woman who was not easy on the eye and it pissed me off a bit as a good way of passing the time is to sneakily watch a sexy woman in her BA uniform. There was only one decent one on the way back, so I showed my disappointment by doing a super runny (Dengue fever/dodgy lobster) wallpaper paste shit down the other end of the plane and even the air pressured flush couldn’t get all that shit off the basin, this poor chinese woman was waiting outside to use the toilet as I tried to make a sneaky getaway alongside the only decent air hostess…what a cunt. BA can go fuck themselves on reflection.

    • A fine example to set of your disappointment B&WC, skidding up the BA flight khazi, a patriotic dump on our national carrier, good work.

      • I was trying to wait LL but the flight was 9 hours, plus the pilot sounded like a cunt so I had to do my patriotic duty…looking back I should’ve used the shit to smear ‘Black and White Cunt was ere’ on the toilet door and used peoples head rests to get rid of the shit on my hands as I innocently walked back to my seat. A missed opportunity.

        • Good idea Cuntflap, If I did that and said ‘Today I am a non binary transbender who has the shits’ they probably would have given me a free upgrade to 1st class.

  18. I have to be poured onto an aeroplane. Hate the fucking things. A stressed aluminium tube full of other people’s farts.

  19. I’ve not been on a plane for years. Not sure I’ll ever go on one again. If I did I’d be worried it would be full of peace and the air hostesses would be Greta clones glaring at you for daring to fly.

    Won’t be long before she is the default voice for sat nav arrgggggggghhhhh

    • How dare you turn right!
      How dare you!
      Ive got Billy Connolly as my satnav voice, Sixdog.
      Like his voice find it relaxing.
      Worse than greta would be Bercow!
      Sets my teeth grinding his voice.

      • It’s the far white now apparently. It fits their narrative, only whites are racist, make them pay for their white privilege.

        And it fucking works, actresses apologising for being white, young folk desperately trying to deny their race because they have been convinced all the worlds evils stem from white people.

        Being white is now an extremist act. White societies have to fall to bring equality to the world.

        These empty headed cunts, have they not got fucking eyes? Do they want to live in a society equivalent to the shit holes people are desperate to leave?

        Those immigrants that are here, you cunts want to wake up, you want to maintain the western lifestyle you came here for? You should be screaming shut the doors loudest! Unless of course you are a spearhead in the invasion and look forward to recreating your shit hole here.

        Fucking aeroplanes.

        Far White my arse

        • Nowt wrong with being white, love being white!
          In fact to annoy those daft cunts im gonna go even whiter!
          Staying out of the sun from now on till I look like alabaster, problem is because im outdoors a lot i only have to look at a bottle of sunny delight an i tan dark brown, look like Justin Trudeau!

          • Ill try chalk paint first Cuntflap,
            Its weird, bet my necks darker than B&WC’s is, but my legs are impervious to sunlight!
            Look like something youd find under a rock,
            Jamaican neck Scandinavian legs.

  20. For me, flying is a means to an end. If only we could just do a ‘beam me up Scotty’ and teleport to our destination, but sadly technology hasn’t quite managed that as yet….though I am sure that if it does, Ryanair will be the first to fucking latch on to it and start charging per item of luggage that beams with you, the grabbing cunts.

    I am due to fly in a few weeks time to my usual haunt, Gran Canaria. I fly alone every time (my significant other lives out there) and I bloody hate it. The more I have flown, the more nervous I have become (weirdly) and it isn’t helped by the shit fest that air travel involves.

    Going through security – usually queuing for a millennium and then having to put up with some absolute tosser cunt who STILL has not grasped the fact that you cannot leave your fucking laptop/tablet in your holdall/carry-on case and believe it or not, you actually have to remove it for scanning. So what do they do? Fucking well hold everyone else up as they fanny around, rooting through all of the bullshite in their bag.

    Then the departure lounge – Cannot get a seat for love nor money, then you get the numerous selfish cunts laying across an entire row of seats, pretending they are asleep and even worse, taking off their shoes and inflicting rancid cheese on everyone in their vicinity. Everything is overpriced as they have a captive audience. The hard sell starts from the moment you get through security – that endless walk through fucking duty free with some slow fucker in front of you looking for a bottle of Baileys and some Marlboro Lights, the dawdling, dozy cunt.

    Then the Gate – More fuckery. Fuckwits who cannot just sit and wait, but start queuing the minute they get there before anyone has even been called to board, just to be a smug, ‘I’m on first’ cunt.

    Then the flight – Kids kicking the back of your seat or bawling their arses off before the plane has even left the tarmac. Slow bastards who take an age to finish rooting in their bag before finally putting in the overhead thingy, holding everyone else up who is trying to board and find their seat. The fake arse, all teeth, perma tanned cabin crew who you just KNOW couldn’t really give even the tiniest fuck how you are, but say it anyway…..urggh, it is all cuntery.

    I usually fly with Easyjet or BA, purely because they are the cheapest overall. It is a necessary evil to tolerate the bullshite they chuck at you. I have had both smooth flights and the flights from hell with both of them. It really is the luck of the draw, but the basic fuckery (as above) I reckon you get on MOST plane journeys, no matter who they are with.

    • Somebody should give you your own TV travel show NC, like a cut the bullshit Judith Chalmers.

      • That would be my dream job, LL!! I would relish in it.

        ” Only a four hour flight from the UK folks, drinks cheap, food cheap, but actually don’t fucking bother as this place is a total shithole”…..

        It’d be brill!

    • You’re right about those cunts who decide to root around in their bag as they put it in the overhead locker. Sone of these fuckers hold up about 50 people before they sit the fuck down. Absolute wankers who should be thrown into the engines.

      • Too right, Cuckoo.

        They do my head in. Why can’t they sort out what shit they want from their bag before they board?


  21. Liverpool have reported chants made during Saturday’s Women’s Super League defeat away at Manchester United to the Football Association….

    Tsssch…. Women, eh? What are they like?…

  22. I remember my ex not speaking to me for the whole holiday because I flirted with a fit as fuck Italian Stewardess on the way to Rome… Best thing I ever did was sacking that miserable moaning cunt….

  23. getting back to the cunting in question BA’s recent advert which paraded every freak imaginable (Grayson Perry for christ sake) et al. If there was any chance I’d have to endure those cunts on a flightI I would rather walk to wherever or select a better carrier (not hard)

    • Shaggable back then Grace slick, youd shoot her white rabbit though.
      Jefferson airplanes best performance for me was Altamont, like it when guitarist gets sparked out! And they say “id like to thank the hells Angels for knocking out Marty…”
      Chaos ensues.
      I like kate Bush both her amazing voice and id like to plough her till my balls ache.

      • Amazing that Grace Slick is still alive…mind,think I might pop her in the Deadpool next time round.
        Susanna Hoffs from The Bangles always got my ‘nads pumping…not now obviously…she’s old and wrinkly now…if she turned up on the doorstep I’d tell her she was 30 years too late and to Fuck Off….cheeky old trout.

        How’s it gan, Miserable?

        • Good thanks Dick,
          Debbie Harry was gorgeous back in the day as was Belinda carlyle!
          But always had a thing for Kate Bush!
          Got a week of work then away with mrs miserable & dog, booked a little stone cottage in peaks, cant wait!
          Wont have to drive so can have a drink whenever i feel like it, missus doing all the driving! Yippee!😝

    • I’d never heard of her,Krav,but just listened on Youtube. Don’t think that she features on the jukebox at my rugby club,but she can certainly sing.

      • She died like 19 years ago so why the RIP now krav? She also died of AIDS did you give her AIDS krav?

  24. Fuck knows why anybody needs to go abroad to experience different people and cultures cos every fucking spick gook and fuzzy with their repulsive ways and manners is here.

  25. Every plane I’ve ever been on was full of total cunts.
    Only 2 flights have ever been acceptable:
    Business class to Oz cocktails and lager all the way.
    Thomas Cunt to Greece 5 valium slept entire flight.
    Oh and thanks to our multi cultural friends for making security into a Gestapo rigmarole.
    Fuck that.

  26. What have Thomas Cook and the MC Canns sorry MC Cunts got in common, they will take you on holiday but won’t bring you back…..

  27. Etihad Airlines! Abu Dhabi-Jakarta. Filled with smelly goat herders, many not even wearing shoes. Obviously most of them hadn’t even seen a fucking airplane, let alone get on one. No idea how to use the toilet, as I walked by and see this 90 year old guy straining to drop the kids off at the pool with the door open. Went for a piss, only to find some mad mulla’s asshole had exploded! I kid you not, there was liquid shit everywhere! Even on the fucking mirror. Then he waddled back to his seat with his Dish Dash and feet smeared in it, and sits down as if he’s royalty!

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