Office Workers

I work in an office of around 12 people of all ages, genders and personalities. But being in a relatively confined space you cannot help but people-watch, and by Christ are there some irritating cunts in my office – the same kind of cunts that probably populate most offices (and factory floors come to that), across the length and breadth of the country.

You get the two-faced cunts, who become “matey” with you only to drill information about your private life so that they can fly back to their little hive across the room and gossip to their pals.

Then there’s the loud-mouth cunt, either over the phone/mobile, or shouts across the fucking office, even if other people are trying to have phone conversations with customers.

Then there’s the sick-note cunt. Always rings in with a cold on a Monday; and then moans when his/her backlog is piled up and complains that no one is helping out.

Then there’s the footie cunts – come Monday or Thursday, they’re at it for a good hour talking about “last night’s game” which was shit anyway.

Close on their heels are the soap/reality cunts – every day is the same; they twitter and bitch about so and so even though they’re supposed to be fucking working.

Then you have the young cunts that can’t stay off their phones; and moan when they find social media is blocked from their company computers.

Lunchtime cunts, who bring their smelly food into the office and stink the place out.

Window cunts – who open the only window in the office because they’re warm, even though people nearest the window might not be; and also end up with all their paperwork blowing around the office due to a breeze blowing in.

There’s probably a few more cunts, but I really can’t be bothered. Needless to say I hate working in offices!

Nominated by Technocunt

44 thoughts on “Office Workers

  1. As a cunt who is self-employed and works outside like real men used to, I heartily endorse this cunting.

  2. I’m thankful that only around 30-40% of my working week is in an office – but the enraging characters adroitly explained within this most excellent nomination are all very much recognisable.

    Of all the cunts listed, I have to throw my considerable heft behind the mention of the ‘lunchtime cunt’. This actually goes for any fucker who eats stinking food in the presence of unsuspecting bystanders, i.e transport, waiting rooms, workplaces… how utterly fucking cuntish must you be to infest a bus with some goatfuck stew looking shite and reek out the interior to high heaven?

    It is hard for extreme misanthropes like me to pick a single facet of the human race to select for a specific cunting, but these office workers cooking all kinds of putrefying shit-in-a-tray specials deserve to be fucking flogged extensively. Or at the very least covered in pitch, set alight and pushed off the highest canyon sheer face.

    • In my office there’s a couple of foodie cunts just like that. I think they both love to really piss off their work colleagues when they return to their desks after nuking their shit-looking/smelling offerings in the office microwave; give it a stir and start chomping while talking on the phone to customers.

      Absolute cunts; and they don’t have let off some ghastly farts later in the day. Bastards

  3. I’m happy to say my job means I’m not in an office and I work on my own barring a few 2 to 3 minute conversations that might happen once or twice a day. I also don’t have to frequent the public. You have my sympathies.

      • Astronaut?

        In any gathering, the worst time is Secret Santa (I wrote a cunting about it a few years back). Agonisingly painful. I imagine excursions or weekends in Wales “team-building” must be even worse. Everybody thinks it’ll be like the one in the Carry on At Your Convenience film but it’d probably be more like the Alien film.

        • Freight train driver, maybe I have transferrable skills to become a hitman though, will keep my eye out on indeed for opportunities.

  4. Excellent nomination.

    I have worked with many, many absolute and utter useless cunts during my working life.

    Lazy cunts, lying cunts, stupid and inept cunts, wouldn’t know what professional meant even if it smacked them in the face cunts, shit at their job cunts.

    Amazed that I did not deck anyone in my time working with colleagues.

    Closest I came was with an Italian boss, who after insisting on a meeting with myself and two colleagues in his office in the middle of the afternoon (when the underwriters are usually busy with a queue of brokers), he decided to turn up 30 minutes late, pissed out of his head. For no reason whatsoever he thought it would be a good idea to take a pop at me in front of the others. Needless to say I was already angry and told him exactly what I thought of his lack of managerial skills relating to the London office. Included the words “inept” and “circus”. I know my colleagues agreed with every word I said and respected I had the balls to tell him. He went to write something down but was holding his very expensive Mont Blanc pen upside down which one of my colleagues laughed out loudly at. There was a moment when his tie was hanging on his desk, and how I stopped myself leaning over and pulling it down sharply (meaning he would have hit his chin hard on the desk) I will never know.

    Anyway, the useless fucker was “relocated” to another branch soon after, and an equally useless Italian fuckwit, equally out of his depth, was brought in to replace him. I left of my own accord shortly afterwards.

    Also worked with a very nasty girl who opened her legs to several managers in order to progress her career. Horrid bitch.

    Worked with two excellent managers in my 30 years, but most were useless with no man management skills and commanded zero respect from their workforce.

    One claims manager once asked me whether I respected him. He really should have known better than to ask. Cunt.

  5. Excellent cunting Technocunt.

    But you forgot to mention the Gays who take days off to attend Pride marches and the climate change bastards who take weeks off to block the Queen’s highway and stop cunts going about their lawful business with their cunty Extinction Rebellion street celebrations.

    Btw, are there no gender-neutral, gender-fluid cunts in your office Technocunt? There must be at least one tranny, surely?

    Where is this fucking office… Russia?

    • As far as I can tell my office is free of unnaturals, just cunts – although it is becoming harder to tell these days.

      Moreover, we only have one Umbongo and one goat herder. Whether you would class those as unnaturals is moot.

  6. One has often had to register, compilate, print work sheets sort, crush and actually process high priority mineral samples when the functionary has dragged it’s heels, then have the daft fuck shout me to hurry up a week later when it’s been done and only up to our direct manager to report to the client. Needless to say when I’ve told the useless cunt how useless they are HR is onto me the same day. A big FU to Shit Goes Sideways.
    And as for the stinky food, there is a reason why no one likes you dog in prawn paste and durian eating cunts.

    • Durian…smells like hell tastes like heaven. The jocks say that haggis is the king of puddings so too the durian is the king of fruit.

  7. I spent around fifteen years altogether working in offices. Most of the men were cunts and the overwhelming majority of women were fucking shithouses. Doing their jobs was the last thing on their minds. They didn’t care whether they worked or not, they were there to socialize whilst being kept by their husbands or boyfriends. They spent their time chatting, phoning their mates and watching what other people were doing. Lazy self-absorbed fucking slags.

  8. I spent five years sitting alongside a horrible old bag with a cracked voice and skin resulting from 50 years of chain smoking. She did literally nothing as her “job” – in charge of newspaper cuttings – had been taken over by the Internet. She spent her day reading her horoscope on the Internet, having endless phone calls with her headcase daughter, coffee and smoke breaks every 20 minutes and grumbling if anyone asked her to do anything. I lost my patience after two years when she dropped her snot-soaked hankies in the basket next to me when she had a cold. I picked this festering stockpile of bacteria up and placed it right on her keyboard. She was so outraged that she never spoke to me again. On the other hand, I had a nice sexy little wench on the other side to cuddle up to.

  9. At the danger of cunting humanity at large, I’d like to say that I can count on the fingers of one stump how many people I haven’t dreamt about dropping into a revolving piece of farm machinery.
    I have about 25 years of working with other people, including time in an office. One thing I will say is that most people who work indoors are easily kept in check if you tend to start your day with about five or six mugs of espresso. Yes, that’s right, five or six MUGS. It’s not long before people tend to stay out of your way as even when silent you tend to come across as on the edge of an unstoppable rampage.
    If anyone makes the mistake of starting a conversation the results speak for themselves. You can see them start to back away, and that’s when you walk around them and block the doorway. Even when hearty enthusiasm is the flavor of the day, it’s just too intense.
    Every cunter needs a proper coffe machine in work.

  10. Sadly, there are cunts in every workplace, office or not.

    I worked with some utter assholes in nursing. The fat arse cunt Sister who barked orders all night while us minions were running around like blue arsed flies, while she sat at the nurses station all night writing letters back to her ‘Mammy’ in Ireland whilst eating her body weight in crisps, fucking fat heifer.

    The newly qualified cunt who just loved contradicting every little thing anyone said or did, telling them where they were going wrong, no matter how many years they had been in the job, while she was dumping in her nappy.

    The workshy cunt who would palm off her shit on others while she went ‘to take some discharged patient prescription forms down to pharmacy’ as a cover for her millionth fag break.

    The cunt who would phone in sick an hour before she was due in as her little darling had the shits and she ‘had no childcare’, leaving the rest of us right in the shitter with no agency or bank staff to cover her.

    Thank fuck I now work for myself at home, making fucking peanuts of course but at least I have my sanity now…..sort of.

    • Nursery you are right.The world is full of shit cunts.Never happy unless they are making some poor fuckers life a misery.

  11. Many years ago I was decorating a office and most of the cunts were playing Free cell.

    • And of course the smell of paint made the poor darlings have to go on sick leave.Cunts.

    • Mine are always on fecebuk, linked in etc, I love catching them and loudly castigating for all in the office to hear

  12. I,of course,have an Office. I use it to sit and arrange Rugby Club and Hunt business. I also apply for as many Grants and Subsidies as I can lay my hands on from my Office.
    My Office has a magnificent view from where I can see any Game that may have strayed into range. If I see a deer,pheasant,rabbit etc., I can just lift the window and pot them before they even have a chance to react. I can also see across the fields and react quickly if I see any Ramblers trespassing who may forget to close the gates as they make their unwelcome and illegal encroachment onto my Private Land..I would dearly like to give them the same treatment as the Game,but have to limit myself to volleys of foul-mouthed bellows of “Get Off My Land, Fucking Plebs” and threats of physical violence..that normally shifts the common little interlopers.

    There really is a right Cunt in my Office.

    Fuck Off.

    • I’ve found that my digestive system has really improved since I stopped eating pheasant and switched to partridge.
      A real game changer….

    • Never worked in a office never will, mostly worked outdoors, and am self employed now until i retire/drop dead.
      Couldnt imagine having to sit indoors with people you detest, every day seeing same faces, office arselickers, office politics etc, sorry for you, lucky ive never really, know id hate it, happiest outdoors.

      • Aye, I’m the same. Don’t think that I’d last 2 minutes before I lost it and did something regrettable.

        • Lucky arent we? Imagine having to sit near some peaceful or trigglypuff everyday just to provide for your missus and kids? Like you Dick think theyd be a ‘incident’ Couldnt hack that,
          Can stomach a lot of shite for my family, but would hate that.

        • Evening Mr Fiddler, Gemma Arterton still refuses to give up her London galivanting and Hollywood red carpet premiers for a life at the Towers taking the Rugby Club Minutes and avoiding the office letch?.

          • It’s a mystery,LL. I think most people would agree that I’m quite the catch, and she’s not getting any younger.She’s 33 now,so only a couple of years left until she reaches Biddyhood.

          • Voluminous says-‘That’s not an office for a friend, my lord’ when Brutus asks him to hold his sword out so he can run upon it.

            Iago hates the black Othello because “It is thought abroad that ’twixt my sheets / He has done my office’.

            The way he broadcasts his conquests on here I bet there’s a few of B&WC’s ‘friends’ that have had the same thought.

    • DF surely instead of bellowing get off my land, you could just release the hounds?After all you don’t want to damage your well trained vocal chords.

      • I like to give the “Rambler” type what they expect,CF. They can then go back to their dreadful new-build estates and tell their neighbours about the thick,uncultured Bumpkin who sent them packing…anyhow,the hounds have normally made their views about trespassers quite plain long before I can get there on the Quad…I sometimes have to use my loudhailer to make myself heard above the hounds displeasure. I also find that a couple of volleys from the 12-bore fired above the interlopers’ heads tends to get their attention. If I have time,I like to put on my full hunting costume to chase Ramblers. My red hunting jacket leaves them in no doubt that they are dealing with their Betters.

  13. My current unfavourites of the coffee room are those who watch something on their phone with their earphones in. They apparently have no idea how loudly they are chewing or breathing. I want to kill them slowly but instead just take sneaky photos of all the freaks that inhabit my workplace and send them to my friends.

  14. Personal hygiene can also be a problem in a hot office. A few years ago, I used to work with a woman who didn’t wash her hair / armpits / growler on a daily basis. She fucking stank of fish. I asked the boss to address the issue. She refused, so I told her to stick the job up her arse. The smell of my erstwhile colleague’s unwashed vagina still lingers in my nostrils five years later.

    • Rather than grass to the boss why didnt you just tell her that she stunk of dirty fanny?

      • There’s probably a “ism” for smelly fannies these days; and no doubt it will be deemed a hate crime!

    • I work in a poorer country and personal hygiene can be a problem, not all have hot running water, soap or washing machines. And at times some would come in radioactive with stink. Just had to meet the problem head on, presenting bars of soap and having little chats.

  15. What about sneaky-climb-the-greasy-pole cunt?

    You know, the cunt that runs back to the gaffer telling them everything that’s going on just so they can steadily slide up that greasy pole, a promotion here, a pay rise there, all for being a grassing cunt and fucking over the rest of the workforce, everyone takes the piss out of work somehow, longer breaks, dragging their hours out, it’s how you justify getting shafted by the firm. But sneaky greasy pole cunts try and put a stop to that while doing what the fuck they like

  16. I forgot to mention the fridge-thief cunt!

    Many a time I have placed a rather nice ham & cheese sarnie, or a yogurt, Kit Kat etc in the fridge of a morning, only to find some cunt has pinched it come lunchtime!

    Then you have the fridge-hogger cunt – comes in of a morning with a shitload of food and/or drink, and rearranges the contents of the already full-fridge with their shit, usually by hogging the top shelf completely, leaving fuck all room for anyone else.

    Then there’s the can’t be arsed to clean cunt – they use the microwave, but never clean it; they spill something in the fridge or on a worktop, but never clean it; and leave spoons dirty cups/plates in the sink and expect some other cunt to clean it!

    Oh and the silent farting cunts – they come in of a morning after probably eating something incredibly spicy and/or disagreeable from the night before, and then spend the next 2 or 3 hours silently (or sometimes loudly) farting their gaseous by-products to the rest of the office. Which includes one young wench, very attractive looking, but fucking hell her farts should be banned under the Geneva Convention!

    And finally, there’s the log-off, clear desk and out the door 2 minutes before end of day cunt – You can set your clock with these cunts. Come 5:25pm and they’ve already logged off, cleared their desks and have reached for their coats. And if the boss isn’t in his office they’re out the fucking door way before 5:30!

    Thank fuck I’m self-employed now.

    • Back when i was a lab tech there was a non uk resident fridge thief cunt, i worked nights, was nowhere fuckin near a shop and before he finished his day shift he’d nick folks dinners, had my baguette once the cunt, thankfully I’ve never worked in an office, always factories but believe me they house some of the worst cunts imaginable

    • Ghost peppers added to a sandwich soon outs the thieves. If you get in trouble you simply explain that it was your sandwich & you love cheese, tomato & ghost chilli sandwiches.

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