The wife was out last night, leaving me to my own devices. When home alone, one of my favourite pastimes (after ‘xhamster’) is a leisurely sit in the khazi. In I went, coffee in one hand, my latest library book in the other, and settled down.
To my chagrin however, I realised two pages in that I’d already read the bastard. Looking around desperately for distraction, my eyes settled on a magazine left by the missus, one of those wimminz things you see at the side of the supermarket checkout, full of riveting reads such as ‘our ten best eyelash tips’, ‘I lost twelve stone in a month’, and ‘dealing with hot flushes’.
Needless to say, I ran through this pretty sharpish, and soon got to the back page, and the fucking horoscopes. Now I’ve always regarded astrology as a steaming pile of cack for the feeble minded, but… let’s face it, you can’t resist reading horoscopes anyway.
So I had a look at mine, and I must say that I found it to be incredibly precise and accurate in my case, as I’m sure did many millions of other Sagittarians;

‘an arrangement or association could come full circle with the full moon on the 17th, when nostalgia swells, but practicality rules’.

Well I was proper shaken up by the revelations contained therein I can tell you. Intrigued, I took a look at the wife’s horoscope, only to be even more amazed;

‘you’re concerned that you might be doing something you’d advise others not to do. You’re counting chickens before they hatch. Yet you’re being pragmatic; you’re anticipating metaphorical hens and providing them with a safe space’. Erm, right…

Of course, if you want a REALLY detailed reading, you need to phone in. Weekly readings last 5 min, monthly 8 min, year ahead 13 min, all for a mere 80p a minute. The old saying goes ‘a fool and his money are soon parted’, and the gullible must rush to confirm this as the racket keeps going. The truth lay in the smallest of small print, which read (get your magnifying glass out) ‘readings are for entertainment purposes only’. Oh dear. Could this possibly mean my horoscope wasn’t worth the fucking paper it was printed on? What a swizz.

Nominated by Ron Knee

40 thoughts on “Horoscopes

  1. There are many types of people on this earth which make it very interesting /now they can be categorised by various traits dependant unto which sign they are e.g most intellegent etc .but actual astrology is well ….bollocks pure&simple

    • No, no, no,
      Think about it,
      Back before sattelites, when only the disposition of the stars and position of the majestic planets in their eternal dance round our mighty daystar had sole celestial influence over human destiny, people were, on the whole a lot more, well, human.

      Fast forward to the present,
      We’ve had a couple of generations born with sattelites in their natal charts, is it any wonder the younger generations are, on the whole, fuckwits, having been born under the dire influence of Astra 19.2E. (also explains why the fuckers are mostly remoaners).

      As for the current generation of whatthefucks (as they dont like being called ‘it’), they can’t help being confused fuckups, what with all those fucking GPS sattelites in their natal charts…

      So, yes, money making bollocks that any unscrupulous cynical cunt could pull out of their arse, well cunted

  2. Utter,utter, mindless, baseless, drivel.
    …..mistic meg.
    I rest my case.
    Great cunting.

    • Dunno sausage, i heard Justin Topper and Russell Grant had to study for years, astro physics, planetary movements, tidal flows,solar flares etc
      Probably similarly to studying to be a vascular surgeon?
      Bet with training and hard work could go all the way? Tarot card reader.

      • Tarot at least allows you to find unspecific mystic bollocks in your own mind rather than that of a stage conjurer or a journalism intern waiting for a real job. It may even have some psychological value, but I could be convinced otherwise.

        The real cunts are the cunts who attach any personal meaning to this mass-market crapola. Probably at least 60% of the population, sadly, including the entire Sun readership.

  3. Very well put.
    In the defence of horoscopes it should be mentioned that Motorhead had a song entitled Capricorn and it’s a beauty.
    The defence rests:all the remainder is pure CUNT.

  4. “One twelfth of the world’s population is going to meet the love of their life” what a load of old fucking cock.
    Like on the old lottery programme; they used to wheel out that crazy-eyed old goat Septic Smeg…….”today is a day ending in “y”…..so the winner will have picked…….some….numbers……below 50”.

    Fuck off you old slag.

  5. My horoscope says that today I will be the centre of attention but I must say what I need and withdraw quickly.

    What my horoscope should actually say: Today your piss will boil when watching BBC News. A Smackhead will ask you for spare change and your comment on Is-a-cunt will require cunting moderation.

  6. must say what I need and withdraw quickly.

    (a) Fuck! The condom split!
    (b) I’ve just realised you’re Diane Abbott!

    Just going.

  7. Hear ye the words of Mystic Jack and tremble with dread !
    Get To Fuck.

  8. Well cunted.
    The type of cunt who believes that the position of the stars and half a dozen planets can affect their lives, probably spend their day on the sofa thumbing online slot machines while waiting for a stream of takeaway deliveries, and deserve to be parted from their hard-earned benefits.
    Scratter cunts.

  9. Just a warning to all Virgos Avoid the star sign Gemini like the plague My ex Mrs was a Gemini and She was a fucking nightmare Gemini and Virgo are totally incompatible in my humble opinion. Bamboo has spoken don’t say George didn’t warn you.

  10. I remember back in the late 60s when the country was in the grip of a truly vicious outbreak of flu. I got it, and was laid low for a fortnight. It was a right cunt.
    I particularly remember reading my horoscope (in the old B’ham Evening Despatch, it must have been) going home on the bus one night. It said (words to the effect of) ‘given the proximity of the moon to Youranus, it is very likely that you may experience a period of illness that will leave you feeling unwell for some time’.
    I don’t know, but I assume that whoever wrote this horoscope assumed that most people read their own sign and no one else’s, because no fewer than eight of the other entries contained something or other to the same effect.
    Well who’d have thought it; they got mine spot on, and half the population as well. How could they possibly have predicted that?

  11. Horoscopes are for child minded adults!
    The sort of cunts that only realised the tooth fairy wasn’t real about the same time they started secondary school , superstitious cunts who think seeing a black cat might be lucky , and would rather walk blindfolded across the M25 at rush hour than walk under a ladder , the same cunt that would see a magpie and say “ one for sorrow two for joy”. In other words fucking idiots!!!
    Mumbo jumbo bag of utter bollocks!!
    I haven’t got a lucky number and the only thing the number 13 represents to me is it links 12 to 14 !!
    Mystic smeg get fucked!!
    I’m pretty sure it’s these cunts that keep palm and tarot card readers in business! If that’s you fucking bag
    GOOD LUCK Go and lick a black cats arse hole…..

    • The cat I’ve just adopted is black, like the last one, and if I can get her into the carrier to go to the vet I’ll count myself lucky.

    • There used to be a tea shop in The Royal Mile in Edinburgh where, if you purchased tea and a cake, a ‘psychic’ would then read the leaves for you, at an additional remuneration of course.
      I listened in on the conversations a couple of times, and it was the usual ‘fishing’ of course.
      ‘Mmm, I see a possible journey over water…’
      ‘Oh yes, I’m just back from/just about to go on my holidays…’

      • I’m going to be scattering Sturgeon’s ashes on the Clyde.

        Sounds like a good opener for a song…

        Also, beware of bees, especially the 16B.

    • Evening Dick he is also an ugly fat fucker Best bend him over the table so you don’t have to look at his ugly mug.

  12. When the moon is in the Seventh House
    And Jupiter aligns with Mars
    Then peace will guide the planets
    And love will steer the stars
    This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
    The age of Aquarius
    Fuck off@@

      • And cock according to Danny Bakers autobiography. One of the actors came down and waved it young Danny’s face, serves him right for having an isle seat.

        • Yep there was cock on show but I couldn’t be bothered watching that. I was fixated on the fanny. Some rare bushes, there were. There was one bird in particular whose name I can’t remember now but she had a bush like a jihadi’s beard; I swear it was longer down there than on her head. Those were the days.

    • Whats wrong with aquarious both my parents were aquarian even my real dad whos dead all my true friends.aquarien and the bloke i listen to twenty plus years (yeah im an old fuck)was none other than an aquarian no one more legendary than bob marley .astrologys bollocks yeah to some but be proud of who u are .u think all dem fuckers who trying to make the world a bad place taking the day off??? No and neither am fucking I .

    • I have no fucking problem with people who dont believe into all of this neither do i but there must be some truth in all of it.What u is u is from begginning to the end and even later on in life you will filter out all the shit in life and hold on to your identity and be yourself a stronger argument might be genetics/your background /maturity/intellect/traits/characteristics that define u as a person .meditate on that one solem thought while the rest of the country blows itself up/political bullshit etc.

      • Yeh thats right im an ongoing case study and also a part time god dam fbi profiler.

  13. I remember my parents told me horoscope was wishy washy chinese demon magic and to stay away from it

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