Toilet Attendants

After-shave Toilet Attendants are cunts, aren’t they?

➖ Al-reeet brother, after-shiirrve? No spray, no lay.
Cap’n Magnanimous: I’ve just come in to have a piss, thanks.
➖ No cologne, no go home. No Davidoff, no suck it off, ha ha!
Cap’n Magnanimous: Yes…I’ve….I’m in the middle of…
➖ No soap, no hope!
Cap’n Magnanimous: …Fuck’s sake…
➖ You need hand-towel?
Cap’n Magnanimous: I’m a bit busy, you know, having a piss.
➖ Alriiight, but you know, blud, no splash, no gash. No Armani, no poonani!
Cap’n Magnanimous: Ahh, finished. I was pissing like a racehorse…
➖ No brudda, use ma soap..
Cap’n Magnanimous: What are all these bottles of perfume here?
➖ For the ladies, freshen up; sucky on your lollipop.
Cap’n Magnanimous: You’ve got urine on your trainers.
➖ Ma job is to ‘elp you cleans your ‘ands.
Cap’n Magnanimous: It seems your job is to prevent customers reaching the sinks.
➖ No lubrication…. No penetration, aiiii!
Cap’n Magnanimous: And you guilt-trip weak-minded drunks into tipping you for it?
➖ Dey sliiide me a gold coin, bro. Have a hand towel.
Cap’n Magnanimous: For a quid? I’ll drip dry, thanks.


Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

61 thoughts on “Toilet Attendants

  1. Too posh for me Cap’n. Toilets from hell a la Trainspotting or a phone box if you can find one.

      • I shat myself whilst driving a Morris Marina once. Plod pulled me over just before I got near my house. He wish he never had after I wound the window down His first comment was , why is there a stench of shell fish in here . ? Then he grimaced and promptly said for fucks sake move along.
        Vacating your bowls in Morris Marina is much more fun than doing it in a Posh bog 😂

        • The Marina’s cornering ability caused plenty of shitted undercrackers back in the 70s.
          The unnervingly fast (by Leyland standards) 1850TC version was particularly bowel loosening…

          • Mr B you bought back some memories of my Marina days happy happy days of piss cheap motoring and real easy maintenance.
            Do you recall the trunnion failure saga? Front wheels collapsing inward as the trunnion failed usually on a roundabout in the rush hour during a thunderstorm. Another thing just came to mind, greasing the trunnions as per maint book and discovering that the grease was unable to reach the surfaces requiring lube cos the fucking grease ways had not been drilled. Still loved my Marina’s and you are spot on regarding handling the tc I owned would have scared the devil when driven aggressively around a bend, clenching my buttocks together as hard as I could helped. Did have a mate throw up once, least he had the window down claimed the handling was the cause and not complimentary about my driving skills either.
            Still better than the bus.

          • I bought the Ital – a legendary souped up version. It was shite, like all British cars of the time. Had we hung Red Robbo and Arthur Scargill I am convinced the British car industry would not have suffered the hideous Allegro, Austin Maxi and a whole host of motoring legends. Its possible to find an appreciation society for stuff like the Wartburg / Simca / ex Ruski shite but I know of no Marina / Ital fanciers although Hillman brought out the Avenger Tiger and my all time classic Escort Mexico Mk 1. A mark 2 and the later Mark 3’s were just fucking shite. There was only one Escort Mexico that won the Mexico Rally and that was the Mk 1.
            I attended a dinner / awards night ceremony that consisted of the top 10 performers in the company I worked for (out of 1400 employees I didnt do too badly to be nominated by my peers). We had a motivational speaker for the evening.. A little fella whose claim to fame was that when Ford won the Mexico rally he was given the gigantic sum ( in 1971 money) of £2m. His brief was to create a production car based on the Escort Mk1 without having to re-tool. He went on to create the original Mark1 Escort Mexico AVO type 49 shell. If he had asked me to suck his dick that night I may have done so (NO – I wouldnt BTW) but being in the presence of such genius was difficult to contain. I owned 3, and the first I bought for £200 from a funeral director, the last I paid £725. Had I been wise enough I would have stored either or all of them in a barn and let them fester. The last fully restored 1972 Mark 1 Escort Mexico with a type 49 shell made by AVO Ford went for > £50,000.

  2. Fucking hell! This place sounds so posh you could look up and find Simon Cowell or Jamie Oliver pissing next to you.
    Not for me thanks. Wetherspoons for me these days.

    • Reckon there’d be a bloody long queue to piss on Oliver, unless he were on fire.

  3. Getting advice on what fragrance you should wear to get laid, from a bloke who works in a khazi.

  4. There’ll be no more of this patriarchal sexist nonsense when we have gender neutral toilets full of trannies and poofs arse fucking each other.
    I have seen the future.

  5. This happened to me in a Sports pub. I could understand it in a nightclub but a pub full of fat cunts (I’m on my way!)? The fucker chuckled after every penny dreadful platitude and was either eyeing his “customers” or his large bowl of pound coins. In the short time I was in there,I heard two clinks of money going in. They must make a fortune.

    • But is it worth it going home reeking of other mens piss and yellow bricks?

      • It depends what they make. In a busy pub/club I’d say every fourth pisser chucks a quid in. £150/£200 an hour to cackle and play the subservient black servant for a few hours and who knows how much more pushing Charlie mixed with dishwasher powder onto customers.

  6. I loathe public toilets. Absolutely loathe them. Dirty, germ factories full of perverts or shifty-looking cunts pretending they’re not sniffing class As in the cubicle traps. I hope these Toilet Negroes are a passing fad.

    • If you are a cider drinker they are a blessing.
      Cannon Street toilets have saved me a good few times. Charing Cross it’s full of dossers so you can’t have a splatter.

  7. Just ask to see their traders licence….
    That should shut them up

  8. Toilet Attendant- not something you would want to brag about when asked “What do you do then?”

    • They’ll probably just answer ‘hospitality’ like the other servile wage-slave cunts.

  9. A public toilet where a man makes sexual innuendos,squirts something over you,and then asks for money?

    What an exotic life.

  10. I can’t go if other people talk to to me when I’m trying to piss, I feel crowded. I welcome the future of non-binary bogs when I’m guaranteed a cubicle next to a couple of tranny assbangers jacking up on aids supressors.

    • There I was a gormless spotty 15 year old pushing trolleys at a supermarket; in the staff bogs just getting it out to use the pisser…when the store manager and his 2IC come in for a piss and stood either side of me, laughing and talking over my head while they released torrents of piss. They took ages and I couldn’t get started for the life of me. They knew it and laughed all the way back onto the floor.

  11. Me and a herd of my squaddie mates sat in the pub behind a stunningly beautiful girl who had a chap with her who was not in her league so we started guessing what he had that had snared her, went through the usual, looks, money etc. He got up and headed for the khazi immediately 8 squaddies and a civvy followed him in, poor fecker 9blokes peering at his todger , it wasn’t that either, they left sharpish for some reason.

  12. Top cunting CM and I agree, glad to see you have a grasp of the ghetto slang mi bredren.
    These wankers (inevitably africunts) are cunts.
    I was in the chicken dippers a while back getting harassed by the strippers etc went to the toilet for a few lines and the cunts in there starred telling me this and that abaaaaaht I’m sniffing etc.
    What a cunt.
    He belongs in there breathing in other people shit and piss.
    Go fuck yourself ya bloodclaat.

  13. As Gaylord Adonis didn’t get his dream job of an MEP, I think a bog attendant might be the next best thing – approaching *influential* politicians, all obsequious and servile “Little shake, sir?, can I do your fly up for you?, would you like me to warm the seat up for you sir?”. Perhaps for his specials, like Mangledbum, he would even insert the Preparation H – with his teeth.

    • Yeah, what a shame about the Adonis cunt. That would have been an ideal job for that freeloader……..getting paid shedloads of our money to suck EU cock all day.
      Fuck that corrupt, lying remoaner cunt.

      • He’ll just have to continue making do with the £300 a day he gets for checking in at the House of Cunts for a few seconds with his expenses funded taxi waits outside.

  14. I remember when Cheryl Cole attacked a female toilet attendant. I’d have been happy to have tongued Cheryl’s little rosebud clean after she’d had a Guinness and curry dump in those days….not now,obviously…not since she’s had a Dark Key up there…although I don’t really believe that Ashley Cole ever really tackled her. I suspect him and big Sol Campbell were too busy exchanging vibrating mobile phones.

    Fuck her,

    • I would’ve been up Cole like a ferret up a trouser leg. Pre-tattoos she was rather fetching.

  15. It’s £305 these days. Don’t any cunt say they don’t deserve it. Years of lodging your tongue up various arses and lying like a cunt day after day can’t be easy.
    I wonder how long it will be before we see Baroness May of Brussels take her seat in the House of Old Traitors?

  16. I used to work with a bloke who was a bog attendant at kings cross.
    The old Victorian toilets had an override.
    if he thought more was going on in the cubicles than should he would do a massive multi cubicle flush.

    • Victorian toilets? Kings Cross?
      We’re they the toilets where John Merrick was cornered by leave voters and cried “I’m not an animal, i’m a human being.”

      “Oh thank you Mr Treeves you’re so kind, so very kind. Now you’ve given me this mirror I realise i’ve always been gay, so very gay.”
      (Updated for the modern snowflake audience)

      • Leave voters didn’t know what they were kicking the old tramp for.

        I demand a re-kick.

    • I have relatives up there, and they’ve always said that ‘Cheryl’ is a cunt… A bullying slapper and a scum cunt got lucky… Her family apparently make the Bacons look like the Royal family…

  17. These weren’t posh toilets, they were pish toilets. They’ll be coming to a popular pub near you very soon.

    No soap,,no hope. Yaa, bamberclaad

  18. I was in a mates pub when the toilet attendant offered me some Charlie, I watched him grovel for 10 minutes with pure fear on his face when I told him his boss was a good friend of mine.

    After 10 minutes I assured him that I didn’t care about his offer and wouldn’t say a word.

    Of course I went out and advised my mate, he worked bloody hard to get where he did and I wasn’t having some drug pusher ruin his career!

    Besides, I am a cunt.

  19. A thunderous great mural of Greta Thunberg staring out at us from a thunderous sky. Like Big Brother is watching you. Only its Big Sister now. She’s taking over.

  20. I know its late and my post wont possibly be read. Its way past my bo bo’s time and probably worth a nom in itself
    Trump – makes a few comments about BoJo being worthy of the role as PM and is criticised / slaughtered by all media in every form including the swivel eyed lunatic who says it was “undemocratic and inappropriate”. It wasnt however “undemocratic or inappropriate” when Cameron fired up the N!!ger cunt Barry Soetoro who broadcast worldwide that “Britain leaving the EU would put them at the back of the queue for future trade deals with the US”. Now is it just (being the cunt I am) me or is the irony and sheer cuntishness of the Lib/lab/con/green/libdems ascended to the point that they really dont give a fuck anymore about who said what and when? If it suits the narrative so lets use it – meanwhile BoJo is facing proceedings by a lying spaz cunt.

    • As I remember it, there was quite a lot of criticism when Obummer said UK would be “back of the queue” for a trade deal if we left the EU. Turned out to be one of the reasons Leave won.

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