So called Comediennes

It may be a niche cunting, but I nominate cake-and-piss-flap comediennes.

You know the sort; tubby comediennes whose whole act revolves around humour about cake, eating too much chocolate (and cake), and their genitals.

Examples include Sarah Millican, Jo Brand and the appropriately named Jenny Eclair.

Yes. You prefer chocolate and cake to sex with your flaccid, grey husband. We get it.

Most of the women who laugh along to this crap are themselves ‘gigglebiscuits’ who – to paraphrase the Viz Profanisaurus – are overweight women whose sense of humour and entire personality revolves around the temptations of cake/puddings/ chocolate.

It’s as hilarious as a masonry nail through the foreskin.

Nominated by Cuntamus Prime

74 thoughts on “So called Comediennes

  1. The era for good comedy is over. The public have been stifled.
    These lot are not fit for purpose.
    Hoo-ee, what a bunch of cunts.

  2. That drippy North-East bitch relies on her irritating accent and endless failed relationships for laughs.

    Brand is like some monstrous Neanderthal that’s crawled from the swamp.

    The whole premise relies on glib comments then knowing looks to a soft-soaped audience bolstered by canned laughter. Just fucking miserable. Ken Dodd and Bill Hicks R.I.P.

    Brexit /Trump ad nauseum. These cunts ate about as funny as a burning orphanage.

    • Jo Brand has an ugly voice to go with her equally ugly face. A sort of prototype for Jess Butch-Phillips. She is such a man-hater you wonder if she is a lezzie in the closet. Both are married but god only knows what sort of wimps the “men” are – quaking SJW virtue signallers I suspect. She is much loved by Wireless 4, which says it all.

  3. I salute your niche cunting CP
    Talk about one trick pony , these rotund unfunny cunts have ridden it into the ground…….
    No amount of canned laughter can make up the shortfall of comedic content…..
    Imagine these useless unfunny cunts trying to entertain an audience 25 years ago? Lots of coughing, empty seats and the odd laugh purely out of embarrassment…….

    • Afternoon, Q.

      I don’t require any canned laughter when watching Lammy, who is my favourite comedian at the moment. The way he parodies the racist, thickie MP stereotype is hilarious. Sterling humour and comedy gold. It’s outrageous that he hasn’t been rewarded with a gong. Surely the Edinburgh Fringe awaits.

      • Maybe he can team up with Sadiq Khan, Flabbott and Spearchuka for a culturally enriched remake of ‘On the Buses’. His comedy catchphrase of ‘friend at Grenfell’ for the frequently mention but never seen character.

        • LL, I reckon Hi-Di-Hi would be a better choice. A bunch of idiotic cunts flapping about in an anachronistic club with nobody laughing, and Treason May playing the dithering cleaner woman with simpleton ideas.

          🎵 Hi-di-hi campers, fancy a bit of democracy? 💤

          • James O’Shithead has described Lammy as “the most impressive politician of our time.”

            😂

      • Hi captain!!
        Are you talking about his cunty performance on QT?
        For medical reasons I can’t watch it 😂
        The guys a proper 24 carat cunt ……

      • Well, he’s certainly wowed the Lunatic Fringe…

      • Edinburgh with the minge on top.

        Isn’t Jenny Eclair the dry, itchy, cunt wimminz ? Or maybe that’s Sourberry, Gina Miller, Dame Keira Starma, Auntie Treesa, and Uncle Jimmy krankie et al…

  4. “It’s as hilarious as a masonry nail through the foreskin” using my fucking boring Knowledge of building materials, may I suggest that a ring shank nail is more painful, Masonry nails are just hard smooth steel.
    If you want to be really nasty bang one of those through your knob, but they are easy to twist out.
    https://www.ironmongerydirect.co.uk/product/suretwist-panel-fixing-8x165mm-zinc-plated-pack-25-470599?vat=1&shopping=true&gclid=CjwKCAjw-ZvlBRBbEiwANw9UWtEPGVCzzJ2OkGN4joV0wZ55f2g3STZBHQaCi3PzdV0ZQgzHgrRslRoCGSYQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

  5. I remember Jo Brand from 1987, when she was still a psychiatric nurse. She was “performing”, ahem, at St John’s May Ball, which I’d crashed by breaking in though a Fellow’s rooms, bold-as-brass right at the front, pissed up (my girlfriend had a free single ticket; she was playing her clarinet in a band).

    Brand was absolutely woefully awful, and I threw a trayful of cream horns at her and scarpered. I heard later that the talentless cow had been subsequently booed off.

    Hard to believe that 32 years later she’s now £40 million to the good. An extremely well-earned cunting, I couldn’t agree more Cuntamus.

  6. Top cunting, these females who try to make you laugh are just not funny.
    University cunts just like the men.
    Bernard Manning and Les Dawson, that’s comedy.

    • and Les Dawson, too MPG. Back in the day Hylda Baker was funny too, one of the few real women comedians.

      • Agree about Hilda Baker Mr Boggs, also although not a comedienne Dandy Nicholls was very funny in Till death us do part.

      • Loved Hilda Baker. Old style comedy. She was also great as Nelly Pledge if anyone remembers it.

    • I never found Manning as offensive as many make out. I always found Jim Davidson more near the knuckle of ‘non-PC/lewd’ comedy.

      It’s sad that a number of those my age and a few years either side will not watch any ‘working class’ or right-leaning comedians. Nowaday’s it’s anyone who’ve done gigs at working men’s clubs and for the forces.
      The only permitted comedy voices are those on the books of the big agencies such as Off The Curb, which block-book panel shows on the BBC and channel 4 with liberal children obsessed with racism, sexism and the Daily Mail . This is perhaps why these unfunny cunts with stupid hair and hipster glasses all have the same outlook and attitude.

      • ‘I never found Manning as offensive as many make out’. Me neither. I thought the jokes were very clever. My favourite-(something like)-

        What we need to in this multi-faith multicultural society is for the Catholics the Protestants the Jews to come together.

        And attack the Pakis.

        Classic.

        • Manning was the finest comic we have ever produced. Offensive, racist, sexist and right on the button.
          The poncey Observer and Guardian journalists who came to the Embassy to have a go at him spent the night pissing themselves laughing and then writing what a racist he was, shock, horror.

          • Gone are the comedy greats. Spike Milligan, Bentine, Eric Sykes, Bill Fraser and so on and so on.

  7. Trying to recall the last time when a woman has made me laugh out loud. Probably a furious Mrs Stroker.

    Seriously as far as comediennes on TV, struggle to think of a single instance.

    Joan Rivers was probably the best I have seen and Dame Edna who was fantastic does not count for obvious reasons.

    Remember Jenny Eclair once talking about women’s periods. Unfortunately does not cut the mustard and is just not funny.

    In fact I would even go as far as to say that on the whole men do not find women at all funny.

    The older I get the more I realise that Men must be from Mars, Women are from Venus. Almost a different species.

    • I thought Catherine Tate’s character Nan was hilarious. Received a pot of curry from her new Indian neighbour and threw it in the bin because she didn’t want her curtains to stink. Took the piss out of pikeys and peacefuls wearing burkas then wore one down the council office to get a council tax rebate. RIP Nan and British comedy. Fucking PC millennial snowflakes.

  8. Best comedienne (yes she would have used that un PC word) ever was Joan Rivers. Her targets were the most pompous politicians and celebrities not the easy meat they go for these days. She never backed away from controversy and never apologised. I believe she was heavily influenced by Lenny Bruce in her early years. I like to think that if Joan was still alive she could come over here, see right through these remoaner cunts and rip the fucking piss out of them. RIP

  9. Top cunting! Especially applies to the ham mountain Jo brand. unfunny as fuck, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I hate men, I have to shave my thunderous cankles yadayadayada FUCK OFF you fuckin hideous dieseldyke lookin CUNT!

  10. Chocolate and gynaecology. It’s all they can do.
    I had tickets to see Joan Rivers but she went and bloody died. Bastard.

  11. I think this nomination should apply to all modern ‘comedians’ – they are all shite, without exception.

    • Definitely. The only living comedian I have time for is Dave Chapelle, his older routines anyway. Everyone is politically correct and conformist, it’s fucking boring. I don’t care about banal and trite observations about food, Trump, or your genitals.

      The era we live in is ripe, so bloody ripe for a comedian with good critical social commentary to dissect. Carlin, Hicks, they would have an absolute riot if they were still alive!

      The men are awful but the women are even worse. As said already here I genuinely can not think of the last time a woman made my sides hurt from laughing.

  12. How fucking true, ‘so called comediennes’ indeed.

    Only ever appear on Al-BBCeer or its sister shit channel C4.

    Unfunny doesn’t even get near how shite they all are to a split ass.

    Jo Brand is about as funny as cancer.

    When Brookside was on the box there was a character called Ron Dixon, I couldn’t get it out of my head that he had really bad breath, I had no reason to think this, I just did and I it felt very real.

    I feel the same about Jo Brand but it’s not the breath in her case, it’s that she really needs a good scrub, in bleach.

    Fat stinking unfunny never been.

  13. Still enjoy Sean Lock. Sometimes Micky Flanagan, Harry Hill or Jimmy Carr. Lee Mack in his earlier days.

    Have been watching Richard Herring podcasts on YouTube, some of those are good.

    Don’t know whether you would classify any of these as modern, all in their 40’s or 50’s now.

    That’s about it. The rest of the PC brigade are a waste of time.

    Especially Michael MacIntyre. Unfunny cunt.

    • Agree WS
      Sean Lock v funny also lee Mack from a few years ago….
      The only thing remotely funny about MM is just how unfunny the cunt actually is?
      His sock routine is astonishing unfunny
      They must pump laughing gas into the theatre??
      Fucking cunt!!!

  14. When it comes to desperately unfunny comediennes my nom would be Katherine Ryan every fucking time .
    She’s just a cunt.
    The cunt.

    • Not funny though I would bury my pulsing conch in her, the dirty Canadian minx.

  15. Julia Davis was a fucking laugh in ‘Jam’ and ‘Nighty Night’, albeit a very dark laugh. Horny bitch.

    The 3 slags in ‘Pulling’ (starring Sharon Horgan) were pretty funny too.

    ‘Fleabag’ series one with posh tart Phoebe Waller-Bridge is worth a watch. Not so the current series two.

    Men in general have always been funnier than women. Could be something to do with evolution and humour’s ability to diffuse aggression and potentially dangerous situations or summat.

    Hitler and Stalin were not men renowned for their sense of humour…

    Margaret Dumont was a brilliant straight woman in the Marx Brothers films.

    • Evening Ruffers.

      I was going to nominate Fleabag as the hype about it is deafening. Aside from a few chuckles in the first series, it’s a tad average, is it not? The smug glances at the camera are debilitatingly unfunny.

      Regarding the second series, I don’t know who’s more punchable – the beaky lead actress with the squashed Malteser stuck to her forehead or the melodramatic Oirish one-trick pony playing the stereotypical stage Priest.

      • 🕺 Evening Capt.

        I was in two minds whether to mention Fleabag… it’s been a while since I saw the first series.

        During that period I was making my way through an especially nice block of hash… which may have had some bearing on my critical faculties….

        Either way the second series is a right load of up its arse shite bollocks. Waller-Bridge has nice legs though.

        I stand by the other stuff cited.

  16. One of my fave bloke comedians is Jim Jeffries. No holds barred. Anyone and anything is fair game.

    • Jim Jeffries was funny until he turned to the dark side.
      He’s now trying to be a ” journalist”, smearing and lying about all those that he sees as “fascist”.

      • Avi Yemini got smeared but has been releasing secretly recorded footage of the interview before JJ’s selective editing.

        • Yea avi got him good. Weird how the lefties just ignore it when it’s one of their own though.
          No apology. No retraction. Just carry on as normal and ignore it.

  17. Well, Cunts, I have finally sat down to watch Question Time. Less than five minutes in and David Lammy is off and ranting. He has babboned, sorry ballooned. What is he eating?

    Charles Moore from the Telegraph is excellent. Ash Sarkar……. Someone assainate her, please.

  18. Worst ‘comedienne’ ever?
    Miranda Hart… The fucking horse faced cunt…

    Rachel Bloom is pretty funny though… Superb tits and all…

    • The last comedienne who made me laugh was……..erm……..you know, come to think of it, none of them were funny.

    • Miranda Hart-Dyke is from decent stock: her father commanded HMS Coventry during the Falklands War and survived her sinking – not his fault, just a classic case of Britain being unprepared for war and sending ships to sea with weapon systems that hadn’t had the bugs ironed out of them.

    • Yeah Miranda Hart. In a programme about ‘classic’ comedy moments. I think there was Del Boy falling over at the bar, a bit of the Morecambe and Wise sketch in the kitchen, a bit of Four Candles. Now the newer ones…Miranda falling into a open grave. Shown over and over. Then analyzed as if it was hysterical. Which it wasn’t. And her stuff about she cannot get a man. Just don’t find her funny. Because she’s posh as well. Mrs Plastic loves her.

    • “Mrs. Doyle” in Fr. Ted was one I always liked.

      Fat Don French of Dibley is multi-talentless.

      Although, maybe she’d make a good dorstop, but I fear she’d smell pretty rancid.

  19. The one I hate the most is Ayesha Hazarika MBE (whatever the fuck did she get an MBE for?)
    Constantly paraded on the BBC and paid with stolen money so that she can look down at us peasants and give us her judgement and wisdom.
    An insufferable cunt.

    Amy Schumer is a cunt too….

    https://youtu.be/5eBJe31voE0

    • The bit in Pryor’s stage show about his time in a Mafia owned strip club is hysterical. ‘Johnny Salami’. So funny.

  20. Going off on a slight tangent, I see that some cunt EU officials are claiming that in the event of a ‘no deal’, we’ll run out of fish and chips. Now THAT’S fucking hilarious.

  21. This may date me somewhat and be terminally unhip but Jackie Mason always raised a laugh with me.

    Garry Shandling and the entire Larry Sanders crew too.

    As not recommended by Catweazle and his cronies.

  22. ALL the cunts on HIGNFY are about as funny as cock cancer.
    Those smug lefty cunts just drone on about Trump or Brexit and apologise to wimmin for men’s behaviour. Oh aren’t men silly they say to Joe Brand or some Lezbo freak. FFS grow a pair and man up you pathetic bunch of Soy boys.

  23. Bill Hicks was way ahead of his time but sadly died well before his time….

    Time was once that comedians took the piss, picked a victim and were merciless, or like the late Bill Hicks got right to the nub of the corruption of government and society and took the fucking piss out of it.

    I really don’t recall anyone being offended at that style of humour, that said the movement to be the most offended at Bernard Manning took root in the 90’s but taking the piss was still part of every comics act.

    I once went to watch Frank Skinner live, it was around the time he was on top of his game so around the mid 90’s.

    Funny doesn’t even cover it. His act was littered with obscenities that were cleverly placed’ not cheap in any sense and culminated with him telling a story about flashing his cock to 2 women walking dogs in a park that were lost.

    The point was throughout his act he kept referring to his cock and its features, eventually saying the lumps and veins looked like where the A3 meets the M4 or such like.

    The old dears were lost and looking for the A3……….

    The house erupted and no cunt was offended.

    Frank Skinner built his brand on being controversial and risky.

    Fast forward 20 odd years and he’s still on our screens but is a pathetic shadow of himself.

    Sold out to try to remain ‘current’ but in reality he’s just trying to keep the pay day going as long as possible.

    Talk about how the establishment rules………

    • Bill Hicks was arguably the greatest comic ever. He never used to have me fits of laughter like Doug Stanhope or George Carlin did (in his later years) but he changed the way I looked at everything.

  24. Watching David Lammy in Question Time…

    I thought I was watching Al Jolson. His fat bulging eyes made me think he was going to launch into song.

    He really is a fat, useless fried chicken gorging cunt.

    As for Ash Sarkar: A communist who wears designer labels?

    Fuck off back to the tea plantation, love.

  25. Someone actually called me a misogynistic because when he suggested I watch Sarah Sarah Millican, I said that female comedians are shite. Nope, I prefer the likes of Doug Stanhope and Bill Hicks, material that makes you think and laugh. Not banal, basic comedy for the intellectually stunted.
    Same goes for ethnic and disabled comedians who talk about their race or disability for the entire act, respectively. Offer quality material and I’ll listen, don’t pander to the simpletons, the guilt-ridden and especially the smug, Live at the Apollo, London wanker crowds, the latter of which will clap and whoop like demented sea lions when jokes about the white elite, Brexit and Trump are spat out.

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