“Security” Guards

Not-fit-for purpose “Security” Guards are Cunts.

I recently took one of the lads down to the Magistrate’s Court to get banned for Drink-Driving. In the entrance was a doorframe metal detector thing that you had to walk through after emptying your pockets of keys,coins etc. This was manned by what I took to be Methuselah’s Grandfather. After getting through Daddy Whizz’s checkpoint, we were then confronted by a big fat Cunt who asked me to spread my arms while he patted me down….the ridiculous Cunt even had the temerity to ask me to remove my hat! Fucks Sake,could he not see that he was dealing with a Gentleman? After all,how many of his “punters” would be wearing a black cape and top-hat on an unseasonably warm February morning unless they had breeding?
When we got into the waiting room it was stuffed full of the Great and Good of Northumbrian society. After saying our “hellos” to a few acquaintances we settled down to await the young ‘un’s case being called. Looking around, there were about 12 or so people waiting,plus their friends. Indeed,there was quite a spirit of camaraderie,but it just struck me that if things had kicked off, there was no way that the fat blob and his antiquated side-kick would have been able to do anything about it.

If you’re going to have security guards,they should at least be capable of walking six paces without an oxygen-mask. I’ve noticed that Tesco seem to have the same type of guard…spotty,unfit youths or relics from the Boer War. If one of them attempted to waylay me, I’d just tell them to “Fuck Off” and keep walking safe in the knowledge that they’d probably have a heart-attack if they tried to keep up with my brisk pace.

Fuck Off.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler

30 thoughts on ““Security” Guards

  1. Well cunted, DF.

    A special mention for the lazy G4S cunts who spat at squaddies during the Olympics and called them ‘baby-killers’.

    • Easy to do when they have crowds, Press and TV cameras to hide behind.
      Would be fun to get the cunts away to somewhere remote for the squaddies to “take issue” with them.
      Perhaps give them a stiff talking to… 😁

  2. Security Guards are those fat cunts that were bullied at school, but not fit or smart enough to be Coppers.
    Good cunting Sir!

  3. I wonder if they would ask non-British types to remove their turbans and pillar box garb while going through the metal detectors?

  4. I have a certain sympathy for these people. You put yourself in the front line of dealing with the general public, who are a bunch of ignorant cunts. It doesn’t matter if you are fat or out of condition because you are going to get battered or stabbed anyway and there’s fuck all you can do about it. Fight back and you get nicked while the “member of the public” gets compo from your now ex-employers. All for minimum wage or not much more.
    On the other hand they all seem to be straight off the banana boat so they can get back on it and fuck off back where they came from.
    And they can take the fucking Hunchback with them.

  5. There once was a security guard,
    Who resembled a bucket of lard,
    He huffed and he puffed,
    ‘Cos he was so stuffed,
    Of pies.

    Goodbye for now.

  6. Excellent idea, Mr. Cuntflap,but do be careful. Ensure that you have no snacks or sweets in your pockets. Fat people can work in a pack when smelling bacon-fries or chocolate,and you could find yourself boxed in by sweaty,unwashed, traccy-clad bloaters. If they have the back-up of the “mobilised “division in their lard-arse chariots,you’ll be in bother. Getting run down by a fleet of 40 stone porkers in reinforced golf-buggies won’t be pleasant. If the worst comes to the worst,shout ” Look over there!!….It’s BOGOF day on family packs of doughnuts. The delay while they turn their drooling,multi-chinned,bright-red faces should buy you time to make good your escape.
    Many unwary people have underestimated the common or garden land-whale to their cost. They can be a dangerous animal when they think that their food supply is threatened. This is why Greggs only employ the mentally-disadvantaged…if one or two of them get injured in some sausage-roll incident…well,nobody gives a Fuck.
    I always treat fat people in the same way as I treat a bull..whack it with your stick every time you see it until it learns some respect. It is only fair to give Fatties the same chance.

    • Morning Mr Fiddler, were you not afforded your own personal waiting room instead of thrown in with the hoi polloi? After your frequent visits, a personal parking space and morning tea with the Magistrate before business would seem appropriate.

    • I shudder to imagine what *accidents* might happen with a greased-up Greggs sausage roll, although Cleggy and Boles could probably enlighten us…

      First aid would presumably requite a hoover equipped with crevice tool.

    • DF are you secretly Frankie Boyle in disguise ?
      I’m nearly pissing myself here 🙂 🙂

  7. We’ve got a GUTLORD security cunt at my local Tesco’s , the tubby fucker can barely do up his laces, spends most of his time talking to the old dears and is a complete waste of space..
    A few weeks back he was tailing ( very obviously) two Eastern European twats who he thought were up to no good, they heard him wheezing as he tried to keep up with them and exited the shop at which point fatcuntacus slumped back into his security station panting like he had done 12 rounds of Anthony Joshua…..
    Whatever he’s being paid it’s too much….

    An unusual but excellent cunting …….

    • All supermarket security guards seem to be fiercely overweight, African, or both. Except for the tiny chap at my Tesco who looks Indonesian (one of those brown Asians). He is, however, tubby and couldn’t catch the Flabbotasaurus Rex if she were fleeing after a multi-cheesecake five-finger discount. He’s also about 70,but could be in his 40s as you simply can’t tell with elderly Asians.

      The other Asian security guard in town looks after a huge pub and could be Tesco guard’s son (or brother). He looks pretty mustard though and has an expertise trick of doing a high -five to pass on drugs. I’d film him but he’d probably do the Hong Kong Phooey on my magnanimous face.

      Morning, Lord Q.

  8. Why do fat cunts wear tracksuits i wonder? Do they think it makes them look sporty/cool/fit?
    Silly bloaters.

    • Either because they are deluded cunts who think wearing sports clothing Is as good as a working out? It is not!!
      But more likely because that’s the only thing that fits them……
      generally I try to avoid being in the company of people wearing soft Clothing outside……
      fleece jacket ? okay
      With matching fleece trousers? Not okay …..
      unless of course you live in a caravan, tarmac driveways and steal peoples dogs……
      Yeh those cunts!!!

  9. I was once in a US airport when a supersized Serena Williams lookalike security guard said: “Sir, step forward and remove your fanny bag.” I was totally lost and she repeated her order. “My what bag?” “Your FANNY bag,” she shrieked so that everyone else could hear. She then lost patience, told me to turn round and unbuckled what I, in my ignorance, called my money belt. That´s when I learned that a “fanny” in American English is an “arse” in the UK where this item is apparently referred to as a “bum bag”. As a result, I gave up wearing it. No bum bags for me, thank you!

    • Ah yes, Mr.Polly, the insatiable urge to change the meaning of English words. In the theme of the dreadful 90s sitcom The Nanny, it says, “🎶 She fell on her fa-nny.” Painful.

      Similarly a colleague (“co-worker, maaan”) of mine was at a formal conference in ‘murica where outside the hall was a sign:

      Conference dress rules:- Men – must wear ties. Women – no pants.

  10. Not only is fatness a job requirement, surely you need to be certified as brain dead by a prominent psychiatrist. The boredom, God it must be interminable. I seriously doubt I would last two hours. I rate these scum on a par with traffic wardens .

  11. Popped into a local out of town supermarket. Cannot remember which one.

    The security guard was a really fat scruffy cunt, with his shirt open, exposing his stomach. He was also eating.

    Would not be capable of catching anyone in a chase.

  12. Spot on bit of cunting Mr F.
    My daughter lived in Galveston for a while and the security types there are even worse. The guys and women in her local Walmart were shaped like gigantic bowling balls. it was quite a sight watching them waddling around. They looked as though they’d keel over if forced to give chase to a tea leaf in the store.

  13. There tends to be x4 types of security guard patrolling our shopping centres and supermarkets out there:

    Type 1: Fat, old cunt mid to late 50’s. Can’t see his own dick due to large beer gut. Did no more than 18 months in the RAF regiment or TA artillery in the early 80’s before getting binned for being shit but acts like or even tells people that he was SAS in the Falklands in ‘X’ squadron.
    Always starts a story with ‘i shouldn’t really tell you this BUT’ or ‘when I was down South, I singlehandedly slotted x15 Argies’ type of bullshit storytelling.
    Useless fat cunt only good for locking up/unlocking premises.

    Type 2: Ex-Iron Curtain cunt. Mid 30’s. Looks a wee bit like Putin. Tank track scars on torso. Has previously ran guns for the Albanian mafia. In the country illegally but authorities too scared to challenge him. Stands on the shop door giving every fucker the thousand yard stare. Psychopathic cunt and enjoys fighting. Especially bears and shoplifters.

    Type3: Eff-Nick cunt usually African. Buck-Toothed and heavily accented. Origin sub Sahara. Thick as pig-shit. Wears same items of uniform daily including sleeping in them therefore has that horrid scent of dirty ass-sweat mixed with fried chicken-mango wherever he goes. Harrases the younger blonde female shop workers and when no one’s looking readily helps himself to goods in the shop he supposed to guard especially electronics. Normally a fat cunt and always on the take.

    Type 4: Young lad. Born in UK. Too thick for McDonald’s. Never had a shag in his life probably now a closet homosexual due to not getting any from the birds therefore willing to try some sausage gobbling.
    Always acne scarred and most definitely a ginger. Unfit despite being skinney due to masturbation and playstation gaming binges during teenage years. Looks anemic due mainly to not seeing proper daylight for above reasons. Still lives at home with mum.
    Crap cunt at work as too scared to challenge even old lady shoplifters due to being weak, unconfident and shit in a fight.
    The sort of cunt who in later becomes a nonce or interferes in animals like dogs.

    On the whole security guards are CUNTs with G4S being right up there.

  14. I have to admit I had one of my “Episodes” last night, I ran out of beer and had to go to the local supermarket in search of refreshment, it was rather busy and a long que.
    I had just got to the front when the checkout staff jumped the counter and ended up in a tussle in the door with a shop lifter, I am afraid to say I logically lost the plot.
    Potentially one of the purveyors of beer could be injured, police called, alcohol consumption delayed ect ect.
    So I waded in and chucked the thieving cunt out the shop (yes forcibly ejected him (and he called me many rude things as well)).
    I then went back to my place at the counter and asked to buy my beer, it was all rather embarrassing.

  15. Did these cunts take the place of the old fashioned store detective? Or are those SAS wannabe I think im a fucking private detective cunts still around?

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