Weather Warnings


Let it be known that we are in the grip of an Arctic apocalypse. The nation is about to spontaneously combust due to the gonad freezing minus figures that we are currently experiencing. Who knew that the UK could get cold in winter? Why did nobody tell us this before? How has this shocker befallen us? We are, in all seriousness, doomed.


If I see or hear one more fucking ‘YELLOW WARNING’ from the Met Office about snow and ice (yellow snow…..does this mean we need to fear piss covered snow?) I will be the one spontaneously combusting. Anyone would think that the concept of a cold, icy and snowy winter was a new one to us. It appears that after centuries of experiencing such climates, we have still not mastered the art of DEALING WITH IT and managing to still keep the country going without the whole transportation system going to fuck and every fucking school closing, as cold is simply not acceptable for the modern world’s little darlings to cope with.

It is sheer lunacy that every poxy year we are subjected to these doom merchants and their ‘second coming of the Ice Age’ warnings and predictions. The media is full of it today. Who needs a frivolous, trivial news story when we can read about Doris in Peckham getting her shopping basket stick in an inch of snow. Fucking madness.

It is a bit of snow and ice, for the sake of fuck.


Nominated by Nurse Cunty

61 thoughts on “Weather Warnings

  1. Sorry to go off topic straight away but I think I’ve found a programme all cunters will be keenly interested in. It’s on Channel 5 this Monday-‘Gypsies on Benefits & Proud’.

    • There are so many oxymorons in the programme title alone that it should be a classic!

  2. How about some warnings for chronically overcast skies for several days in a row. Red warning for 2 weeks overcast with drizzle?

  3. Trying to take the eyes of the masses off the complete goatfuck that is uk leaving the eu or not. Managed to find a stretch of road with some half melted snow and provoked my car into a gentle side slide just for the hell of it; suppose I will end up in prison for the heinous crime of not taking weather warnings seriously. Just trying to have fun before martial law and the evacuation of the royal family, riots, food shortages, no bog roll and so on.

  4. The Daily Mail website is always talking about “weather-bombs” which are going to bring the Country to it’s knees. What they actually mean is a heavy frost,or a couple of inches of snow,at worst…they are right about it being enough to paralyse the Country though.

    Lucy Verasami’s worth a ride.
    John Kettley is a Cunt.

    • Reminds me of the moment in “Adolf Hitler- My Part in His Downfall” where the military is screaming “It’s a bleedin’ dud” not long before it goes off…

      Only hope Rudd doesn’t go “off” like a Free Bleeder… I think that’s prob moe Lady Squeegee’s style.

  5. Here is the Met Office list of names for storms during 2018 and 2019. (I have always been impressed that they come along in alphabetical order, as they should.)

    Ali, Bronagh, Callum, Deirdre, Erik, Freya, Gareth, Hannah, Idris, Jane, Kevin, Lily, Max, Niamh, Oliver, Peggy, Ross, Saoirse, Tristan, Violet, Wyn.

    Citizens of Scotland, Ireland and Wales well represented, along with middle class whitey, but a piss poor showing from our more recent immigrant population, with only ‘Hurricane Ali’ making the cut (nice to know somebody at the Met Office has a sense of humour.)

    Imagine what the list might look like if the SJW cunts ever get back in and seize the reins; ‘all Hurricanes, Typhoons, Gales, Storms and slightly blustery days are to have gender-neutral, race-inclusive, non-threatening nomenclature – preferably highlighting a burning social issue of the day’.

    Be a bastard to lose your roof tiles because of Hurricane Blobby.

    • Apologies in advance to all my fellow cunters for the forthcoming storm Gareth. As that’s my given name and I know what a stormy belligerent cunt I can be I’m just giving you the heads up. But there again 99.999% of the time I tend to just be a bit of bluster of hot air.
      Storm names what a load of cunt.

  6. Cunts who ignore weather warnings to go hill-walking, or the like, while ill-equipped should be left to stew in their own juices. I wouldn’t turn out to rescue the Cunts.

    Fuck them.

    • And fuck also the gormless TV news reporters who get sent to find the snowiest, coldiest, floodiest place from which to do their ‘piece to camera’.

      Here’s a flooded High St, so I had better stand in the middle of it or you, thick viewer, won’t understand what that means.

      Unimaginative Cunts.

      • Yes esp. when the cunts have been repeatedly telling everybody else not to travel unless it’s vital. Then send out a camera crew to stand outside a deserted Villa Pk in the pitch black, with snow driving horizontally, to tell us the fucking game’s off!. Cunts.
        As those smug ‘I know what I’m doing’ cunts who go hiking in the Cairngorms in mid Jan then get lost in a fucking snowdrift, well, leave the twats to fucking freeze.

      • That news report about the FGM girl showed images of a kids’ playground roundabout! No you cunts! Show a little girl’s mangled genitalia, to shock the peaceful-loving public into action against these vile third world savages.

    • Absolutely DF I would send the rescue helicopter over their location and drop bottles of piss and bags of shite on the daft cunts. Survive on that you millennial hipster extreme camping cunts.

  7. Is that sign a warning of snowflakes ahead Nurse Cunty? I clearly remember the winter of 1963. Some transport was disrupted and people reacted very strangely. They put things called wellington boots on their feet and did something called “walking”. I would like a pair of those boots now but with the addition of steel toecaps so I can kick and trample those life-threatening snowflakes to extinction.

  8. I’m having wing-rib of beef for my dinner tonight,washed down with a bottle of Port….nothing to do with the weather, I just felt like telling someone.

    Fuck Off.

    • Jamie Oliver can Fuck Off, too. If that slavvery-gobbed Wanker comes sniffing around, I’ll set the dogs on him.

        • I’d enjoy feeding his tongue through an old-style mangle while the Cunt was still attached….or one of those fucking pasta-rolling machines that the Prick is so keen on.

          Evening LL

      • What about if his slack-fannied wife came round? Would you give her the old Fiddler 1-2?
        That being: 1 disappointing shag followed by 2 minutes to get her clothes on and fuck off before your dogs bite her.
        Although after 4 or 5 kids, her clopper must look like a hand grenade’s gone off in it.

        • After 4 kids,I bet that she only wears knickers to keep the next whelp from dropping straight out. You’d have to shovel a barrowfull of sand up there just to get a bit of grip.
          It must be a fucking moist job when Jamie licks her out. Won’t matter if she juices up or not, Jamie’s slavver’ll have her wetter than a drooling St. Bernard’s tongue. Bet the filthy twat tips olive oil up her before he shoves it up her shitter,the bastard tips it over everything else.

          Good Evening, Mr. Cunt-Engine.

    • Sounds divine.
      My dinner is being cooked by the ever miserable Mrs C E, curse the air she steals.
      We’ve just been blackmailed by our eldest son who has pleaded with me not to sell the house until he’s finished his GCSE’s in June, which is fair enough I suppose, but that of course means that I have to endure her fat, arse-like visage for at least an extra 5 months.
      Jesus fucking wept.
      I guess that delayed gratification (of living alone) might be even more enjoyable…like when you’re busting for a piss and stop the flow after 3 seconds to see how long you can last…and then finish the piss which seems even more pleasurable.

      • On the bright side Thomas, it’ll also give you an extra five months to hide whatever valuable assets you have that Mrs CE is currently not aware of…

        • Ho ho, yes I do indeed claim moderate poverty despite having a certain amount stashed carefully away. Thank fuck I’ve never thought that honesty is the best policy.
          Not that it’s any of my business, but are you honest(ish) with Mrs Creampuff about your finances?!

          • Yes… I am honest… or at least I’m not dishonest.

            Lady Creampuff has a rough idea of what I’m worth (an underestimate as it happens) but scant detail. I know pretty much what she is worth to the penny.

            Apart from joint ownership of the house, our finances are kept strictly separate. We do however have one joint bank account, but it is used exclusively for household expenses, for which we both contribute an equal amount to the kitty each month.

          • PS: Will your your legendary collection of sexually explicit filth be split 50/50 down the middle with Mrs CE?

  9. A top cunting, Nurse. Apparently, snowflakes are now offended by snow. They didn’t realise winter is supposed to be cold? What a bunch of cunts. The safety police are already out in force with their “repent or face thy doom” placards over their Jedi robes because there’s a very thin film of ice developing, which some dumbfuck Last of the Summer Winer, looking for Compo will no doubt slip on it, go cunt over tit and fracture their feelings.

    Every single cunt year, this pansy-arsed country refuses to learn from previous years. More motorway jams, an HGV has skidded off the road because there was a fucking banana peel in the middle lane, schools close (because precious little Harriet Linguini or Tobias Belch III can’t stand the cold, despite the fact that their blonde, Joules wearing Jacinta mother has a chalking great Range Rover that’s never even been off-road) and fat cunts stockpile bread, cakes and donuts like it’s something out of a nuclear holocaust film. “This motorway has been reduced to 30mph because there are spots of rain on the verge”. About as effective as trying to shoot pigeons with a guitar.

    Other countries that deal with several feet of snow are laughing their cocks and cunts off at us when we can’t handle an inch of snow. Too many thoughtful progressives with their fingers in the “I’ll Make It My Business” pie. Bollocks and buggery to such sad souls. If I were gender-confused, I’d stockpile tampons, sorry manpons but I can’t be arsed. Bring on the new Holocene, by God it’s nippy out. What a canoe full of cold cunt.

  10. I stepped on a copy of The Evening Standard, a piece tore off and stuck to my shoe.
    Wasn’t a problem though, managed to find some dog shit to scrap it off….

  11. When I was a little kid, which is a long time ago I know, the snow in our school yard was often waist deep and sometimes shoulder deep. The teachers had to dig a path / tunnel across the yard so that we could get to the bogs. No inside toilets in those days. If we got similar conditions today they’d shut the fucking place down for a week. Get your wellies on you soft cunts, it isn’t going to kill you.

    • Outside bogs at school ? I remember those. Did you are your mates see who could piss highest up the wall?
      Inevitably the competitive spirit would mean it would eventually splash back in your face.
      Happy days!

    • Outside bogs and Bronco. If you were lucky.
      No curtains, as it was CofE, and therefore no slimes to pander to…

  12. Every bloody week there is a yellow weather warning, be it rain, wind or snow. Sorry it’s winter or autumn it may well do these. Give us a warning if it’s going to be bad, but not cos we’re going to have half an inch of snow.

    First time they did the yellow snow warning was brilliant. ‘Yeah don’t eat it’ I shouted at the tv. Mrs Mitten just tutted as she knew it would be another rant.

    The main thing that i’m worried about blowing in from the east is a boatload of peacefuls from France.

    • The boatloads of peacefuls are coming anyway. What we need is strong winds from the east to blow the fuckers on to the rocks.
      Then a strong tide to take the cunts back where they came from.

  13. I love the snow but it certainly brings trouble. When I was young, our neighbour complained to my Mum.

    Neighbour: Your little Magnanimous has been weeing in the snow in my back garden.
    My mum: Oh, all little boys like to piddle in the snow.
    Neighbour: Yes but he’s been writing his name!
    My mum: Ohh, all little boys like to write their names in the snow.
    Neighbour: Not in my little Sarah’s handwriting!

  14. Hopefully I’ll be dead in30 years time, but I feel sorry for the workforce of the coming years.

    ‘Sorry, I cant get in today. It says on Facebook it could rain for a bit this afternoon’. Because that’s the way we’re going. Its easy to denigrate the yoots as snowflakes but they’re idiot supposed betters and superiors reinstalling this nonsense in them are the real problem.

  15. Just be wary of the “Yellow Snow” warning!

    I used to make snowballs out of this stuff for cunts I particularly didn’t like – only to be used when a head shot was guaranteed.


    • A proper cunt would stuff the yellow snowballs down the back of their necks.
      Not me…….a friend of mine!

      • Nah, the down the neck snowballs were the ones made with a fresh centre of “lawn sausage”.

        There were no mini black plastic bags back in the 80’s so a fresh dollup was always readily available and close to hand.

        A particular treat enjoyed by “Softy Walter” types (aka modern day snowflakes).

  16. Great nom.
    There have been loads of these fucking “SNOWMAGEDDON!” headlines and they’re always total bollocks. A light dusting of snow on the ground is barely a minor inconvenience, let alone snowmageddon….
    Cuntmageddon more like.

  17. I see that lazy, crisp munching tax dodger couldn’t be arsed to turn up for MOTD again.
    £1.8 million for one day a week.
    Total shitcunt.

  18. I don’t see kids playing in the snow anymore. Despite the quantify of snow in my environs, there are no kids building snowmen or sledging. Probably playing on their x boxes or staring at their cunt phones. What a soulless nation we’ve become.

  19. Too fucking cold Sarge and too many sexual perverts about. When I was a kid we were taught to kick the weirdos in the bollocks and run, not regard them as terribly brave heroes who need understanding.
    Different fucking world.

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