Random roadworks

Random roadworks and all who sail in them are cunts.

At least once a year some cunts decide to have some roadworks on my B-road commute. This year’s effort exemplifies the methodology.
1. Place cones, warning signs, lights on randomly chosen constricted bit, preferably adjacent to junction (closed)
2. Carefully tune lights to allow three cars in either direction past (5 seconds) and adequate time for a pedestrian to traverse the 20-yard coned bit (1 minute, minimum) with both lights on red for most of it.
3. Alternatively tune lights so that east or westbound traffic gets a red all the time and has to use its imagination.
4. Do absolutely fuck-all to the road for a week. Unless you like playing with the hazard lights on your van/truck as you block the road completely to inspect the cones. It is imperative that the surface of the road remains untouched for this period. You can move the cones around a bit if you like.
5. Enjoy the two-mile tailback of people trying to get to work in the morning. This is optional. If you want a lie-in, feel free.
6. On Day 7, dig a very small hole and fill it in again. You can dismantle the roadworks after this, but on the other hand you may decide not to.

Is there any reason under Dog’s heaven why the traffic jam needs to happen on any other day than that of the actual works? And what festering management box is ticked by the CO2 and particulate emissions added to the normal quota by the inching-forward line of poor cunts trying to get to their own jobs and do them rather better than the braindead cunts in charge of highway repairs?

It’s uncivil engineering, and it’s a cunt.

Nominated by Komodo

33 thoughts on “Random roadworks

  1. Our brain dead fuckers normally set them up before the weekend and then leave them to break down, or run out of whatever it is they power them with these days, causing chaos.
    I think they do it so that they can get an early start on Monday, to block everyone’s driveway while they drink tea for two hours before spending the rest of the day scratching their heads and pointing.

  2. Round my way as soon as you see one lot, you know every handy rat-trap will have the same scourge of 100yds of temp lights for a 5ft minor road repair!

    No warning just there.

    Adds 30mins to a 15min journey!


    • My error. The latest one to boil my piss, above had 20 yards coned off, and no visible trace of any work remains. I had been over-charitable in assuming some had been done under cover of darkness before the obstruction was removed. Much longer efforts are certainly available, and may I award a subsidiary cunting to BT Openreach for their achievements in this area?

  3. We had some put up near here just before Christmas. After 3 days of fuck all going on except traffic jams somebody threw the whole lot – cones, lights, everything, into a ditch and shovelled earth over it. Must have taken a while but ‘nobody knows’ who did it. The works have yet to reappear.

  4. Mix some ott health and safety, hyper bureaucracy, sub contracting, manipulating overtime due to unstable contracts that leads to subbies milking jobs and cunts that are driving like cunts and whalla!

    Nothing really new is it? Or is it?

    • Like everything else, it’s steadily getting worse. And it’s a management failure, obviously. Overtime doesn’t come into it. When did you last see any cunt with a hard hat at a roadworks outside office hours?

  5. I’ve worked with them. They generally work Sunday’s as this is deemed the best time to avoid loss of commerce, cause less congestion and therefore be a safer time to work. It’s also one of the few trades to still command weekend rates I believe, but to be honest who knows what their contracts contain these days. I haven’t had double time for well over a decade and that included working Christmas day.

    • Not round our way, is all I can say. And if the lights and cones go up on Thursday, supposing anything does get done on Sunday, that’s Thursday to Saturday’s commerce unnecessarily shot, isn’t it?

      All I’m asking is what’s the fucking problem with erecting the barriers just before you start, and removing them as soon as you’re finished?

  6. How do countries like Japan manage to rebuild elevated motorways following an earthquake faster than the collapsed manhole at the end of my street.
    Some cunts turned up, stared at it, rubbed their chins, coned it off, then fucked off. That was last summer. Cones have gone but tyre shredding hole still there….

    • The Nips still have pride in their culture, country and themselves, which is still invariably theirs. We no longer have that privilege.

  7. I live in Sandown and there is a 30 yard strip of road outside Boots that they resurfaced three times in 4 months. First they did it black, then grey and then white. The white is now dirty and is a sort of poo colour.

    And there was no obvious reason that it needed resurfacing in the first place.

  8. One of the best bits of the film Falling Down was when Michael Douglas, exasperated as to all the cars being stopped for no reason, fired a missile from a bazooka into the roadwork’s hole saying, I’ll give you something to work on.’ Great film but cop out ending.

  9. Speaking as a cunt who used to work on the roads works .
    I used to very much enjoy leaning on my shovel watching the irate motorists pass by.

    • Dawnus seem to be the company of choice for a lot of this sort of work.
      In my local city the same roads have been dug up every year for at least the last twelve years that I can remember.
      It astonishes me that nobody has looked into the money side of it all. Councils paying the same company to repeat the same job every year..!?

      Anyway, seeing those cunts standing around on site doing absolutely sweet fuck all in return for their wages whilst I was stuck in the queue prompted me to make this enquiry to Dawnus:

      As I’m a passenger stuck in the mindless traffic jam your ‘jobs for the boys’ effort has created, I have had the interesting experience of watching your employees muck about on their mobile phones instead of working harder to get the job finished. I’m also enjoying watching some more of your employees twenty yards down the road practice putting their hands on their hips. Gosh, what a great work ethic. Also, despite your own very visible signage not one employee is wearing their ear defenders.
      It must be great getting paid to constantly relay the same road, but is there any chance the guys could at least look like they’re actually doing it? You know, so the taxpayer can’t whinge etc, etc, etc.
      Yours sincerely,

      I sent this enquiry about three weeks ago but have yet to recieve a reply. I thought my enquiry was quite polite, and can’t understand the lack of a reply.
      Never mind, I’m sure there’s one in the pipeline.

  10. There seems to be a running theme here about unnecessary work. Here on Isle of Wight we are constantly exhasperated at the amount of work that doesn’t seem needed. I mean, what cunt sits at his desk and decides what jobs need doing?

  11. A few years ago I got a contract to cut the grass verges with the tractor on some of the main roads. It involved a cushion-wagon driving behind me with flashing lights due to so many of the roads being twisty affairs with a lot of double white-line sections. Didn’t stop some of the Cunts,they’d overtake the cushion-wagon on the double whites,shaking their fists and honking their horns because they’d been held up for a couple of minutes. However, I did get my revenge on one particular arsehole who’d been waving his fist at me as we crawled up the Carter Bar towards the Scottish border…..he’d stopped in the layby at the top to make a phone-call…wasn’t so keen on shaking his fist when I boxed him in with the tractor and jumped off to ask him what his problem was…Arsehole.

    The people who work on the roads have my sympathy,how more of them aren’t killed by idiotic drivers is a mystery to me.

    • Heard a good one on the radio the other day…the vacuous presenter was talking to his screeching sidekick about the Eurovision song contest. He told his brain-dead companion that it didn’t matter which song was picked because,since Brexit, we wouldn’t get any votes. The Cunt was deadly serious,but I don’t think that his co-presenter even knew what Brexit was,so she just giggled hysterically.

      A real Smashie and Nicey moment.

      • Evening Dick – from what I’ve heard (from the wife who watches this dross) we NEVER get any votes anyway, at least not for the last 30 years or so.

        Hopefully we’ll be ineligible to take part after Brexit.

      • Aaah, begorrah, a moment when The Wogan’s sarcasm is sadly missed.

        He had the measure of the event – basically, no more than a load of littlebollox.

        The only one I remember was Puppet on a String.

    • They coned off a large length of the inside lane of the road near me last summer to trim a hedge which was separated from the road by a grass verge and a rather wide pavement/cycle lane. I think you’d agree that is somewhat overdoing caution.

    • Afternoon Mr F. If your grass verges are like those round our way you,’d need a team of litter pickers in front before you could see the grass. Seems to have gotten worse in recent years following the influx of Euro trash and peacefuls to the area.😀

  12. About 20 years ago a dual carriageway near me had all 4 lanes resurfaced. Lanes closed, one by one, for a fortnight. The day after they finished, and it looked superb, Virgin turned up and dug a trench the whole length of one of the lanes, cunts.

  13. Very good cunting Komodo,
    A big cause of delays in this pile of cunt is subcontractors who subcontract and the layers of bollox, and people blaming eachother which adds delays to what was already a slow process. There has to be someone getting a holiday or a new motor out of this or probably much more.

  14. The M4 is a cunt as well, constant roadworks with wankers doing no work as they’re too busy havng a look on Twatter/Cuntbook.
    They then patch over the old white lines with some shitty tar and the whole things looks like a bodge job.
    Nowadays one cunt slow down at a junction and the tail back is a mile. Piss off

    • Had a thought if I employed a few snackbars to drive along the motorways with orders to ‘Encourage’ the cunts to get the job done by going for them if they’re seen slacking the road works would get done in record time.
      An additional cunting for the wanker outside the building site… You know the cunt stood there all day who probably has the title: Site administrator. Everytime I drive through Hammersmith a couple of these cunts stand there outside the building site with those cameras in their chest giving it large.
      The cunts.

  15. I’m never less than stupified by the state of the roads in this country. Passed my test at 17 in 1990, drove for about ten years then was always getting the tube everywhere or it would be closing time so I wouldn’t bother driving. Taking back to the roads late last year after many years not a motorist I couldn’t believe the state of the roads, potholes and deep puddles everywhere. Pebbles and various other detritus, fucking holes a foot deep, a lot more foreigners with their laissez-fucking-faire attitude towards the highway code. Don’t even get me started on the fucking cyclists.

    Anyway – I preferred driving in 1990.

  16. The laugh a minute in ineptitude is where you have roadworks on the diversionary route of the road having roadworks! Cunts.

  17. Just been watching the BAFTA’S. Reminded me of Alan Fistula. ‘playing pretendy’. Playing pretendy. That’s all it is. And the award for special services to playing pretendy goes to…and for Lighting the people playing pretendy the Award goes to…. and let us not forget the scriptwriters who write the pretendy dialogue…and a special mention for the make up artists and costume for their contribution to the pretence… And I’d just like to thank my mother and father for encouraging me to play pretendy when I was young…and Olivia Colman’s outstanding performance brought a real depth to her pretendy Queen Anne…

  18. Last year in preparation for the the underground installation of utilities for a new village housing estate (the creation of which has been campaigned against by the local nimbys) a four way lighting system was set up at the village cross road and the main road was fenced off and bottle-necked down to a single lane.

    All good so far except that the morning it was installed (when I was going through on my way to work) the timing on the lights was out which resulted in two directions of traffic meeting in the middle of the bottle neck causing a two way tailback.

    The loan road worker there didn’t have a clue what to do and started getting arsey with people.

    After about 15 minutes, a woman got out of her car and started to coordinate and direct traffic into village driveways and then got the traffic moving again. I can only assume that she was ex military considering the way she took charge and handled the whole thing.

    I and two other drivers were parked up on a woman’s front yard and apologised and explained the situation when she came outside. Luckily she was okay about it.

  19. A bona fide cunting, Mr Monitor, and all the made all the more infuriating by the insincere, nay, fake “apologies”, as evidenced in that typical London street scene.
    Whose I the fuck thought it was a good idea to sport those apoplexy-inducing examples of malicious Schadenfreude, I wonder? Cunts, one and all.

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