The New Model Army

Our New Model Army

Difficult to type with a mouth full orf puke but will man up and get on with it. Latest MOD brainwave to transform the forces into a new and inclusive body orf individuals is to recruit snowflakes and druggies. Can take it up the arse and up a vein? Then Your Country Needs You. Sign on the dotted line (or virtually if of special needs) and gain access to some pretty hard core weaponry. You Know It Makes Sense (or was that an earlier campaign). Man Hugs promised before and after every firefight sweethearts.

So it has come to this. Blighty has fucked Napoleon and Hitler, screwed the Argies and assorted camel shaggers, continues to piss orn the Ruskies and all by the skin orf our teeth time after time. But now withoit a shot being fired the forces have lost their bolloxs courtesy Cunts in the Ministry and a bunch orf pooftahs in advertising.

With a New World Order and New Enemies plus plenty orf the Usual Suspects our New Model Army stands ready to embrace all races and creeds, all sexual orientations and none. So inclusive that we are no longer able to tell our allies from our enemies so we offer counselling to both.

A word orf advice to today’s Lads and eh…. Lassies from an old cunt who has done his bit: save your last bullet for yourselves and keep one up the spout for poor old Blighty. Posthumous counselling will be available once Cromwell stops spinning in his grave.

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke

25 thoughts on “The New Model Army

  1. Aye limpy just look at the training camps in Afghanistan and Pakistan and then look at our recruitment campaign…… fucking makes you shudder.on the same sort of topic , Herr Hitler couldn’t starve us out with the luftwaffe and the uboats but leaving the EU 70 years later with no deal will see us starve in the streets and succumb to super gonnohrea due to no meds. Your right….. save the last bullit for ourselves

  2. It’s all a load of arsewipe.

    The army needs to be a fighting force first and then can be deployed to carry out tjose lesser duties such as flood relief, peacekerping, ceremonial and civic duties.

    Alternatively they can think they look stylish, be politically correct but fail to achieve….a little like the society that we are becoming.

    The new battlecry will be “I am not sure we need any weaponry….that is so 20th century”.

  3. I would think that all ex on this site will have been appalled at the desperate measures taken by “appointed” poodles to secure the Nations defence. Chief of Staff is always a political appointment of whomsoever can lick the ring piece of the political fucker currently in post from 30 metres. This country is fucked. It has only taken 40 years plus or minus a few to achieve, and now the fuckwits i/c plod about exasperated and wondering where it all went wrong. Well let me tell you. Following Sandhurst, you set out , not in defense of your country , but to lick rings for tabs on your collar. In other words, career yes men. In earlier times you would have fucked the libturds off, but not now, you are a breed of incompetent fuckwits not fit to lead anything other than a boy scouts brigade with arses at the ready. Senior Brass, not fit for purpose.

  4. Perhaps we’re trying to assassinate Putin, by giving him a hysteria induced heart attack.
    Maybe we’ll have a new battalion, the
    ‘Barrymore Buggerers ‘equipped with the fearsome ‘ Lubbock 3 ‘
    By the leeeeeeeft ! Mince, two, three four !
    Scratch your eyes out ! five, six, seven eight.
    Oh for fucks sake.

  5. This shit is from Capita, the outsourced and totally incompetent recruitment service. They have cost many millions and failed miserably. Must have been MoD approved though. What the fuck is happening to our country? Limp wristed, right-on cunts infest this once fine land.
    Monty Python did a skit on this in the 70s as per Jack’s post above.

  6. ‘Sergeant Major, that isis chappie called me a stinking western infadel and now i feel really really offended. Can you find me a safe space NOW’?
    ‘Ofcourse i can laddie ofcourse i can. Take no notice of the nasty beheader i’ll make sure he gets no platformed’.

    • I thought it was bit ironic that the lad whose photo they used for the “snowflake” ad, through a hissy fit in a Sunday paper yesterday and said he would “resign” as he was offended and upset at being called a snowflake. I am sure he has been called worse in his time. I know I am when I take Mrs. Boggs out without her burqa.

  7. Andres Iniesta has been criticised after posting a photograph of himself with two people in blackface as part of Epiphany celebrations in Spain…

    Ah, Spain… Where they throw live donkeys off churches and set fire to bulls…
    Fuck off BBC Sport, you fucking cunts, and take your black sacred cow with you….

  8. I seriously hope there isn’t another embassy siege in this country. These fucking fairycake libfuck SJW’s with their blue hair will be wanting the SAS to calmly walk in, armed with feather dusters and tickle the hostage-takers until they participate in a group hug, before giving the terrorists new cars and free houses “because they were traumatised at taking innocent people hostage”. Said unicorn saddlers would then take to soshal meedja and webcam-circlejerk on how progressive they are. Jesus and Mary, what has happened to this country. It’s now become a bucket of cunt.

  9. The Armed Forces are being softened up for a pacifist Corbyn government (except when it comes to Israel). Trident will be armed with giant marrows, and it’s “anything you say, Comrade Putin sir!”

  10. Fill the army with bum bandits, tranies and tree huggers, send them off to the front line against ISIS, my guess, they wont be coming back … Sorted!!!!!!

  11. I can’t understand why the hasn’t got round to recruiting from the ranks of refugees who are constantly washing up on our shores. A fine,resourceful band of brothers who all appear to be of military age,indeed most look to have had military training,who,no doubt,would be only too willing to repay the Country that has taken them in,and saved them from whatever horrors that they left their families to face.
    I can see it now….Princess Anne taking the salute from the newly formed Ali Baba Regiment (Camel-Groper Division). Led by a hook-handed figure dressed in a bedsheet,a bunch of spitting,gurning,smoking men slouch past in “traccie” bottoms,leather jackets and Adidas trainers, followed by the mechanised arm of the Regiment in minicabs.. “You want ride een Uncle Abdul taxi, leetle girl?” they shout at the children lining the route. Armed with kitchen knives and acid-bottles they advance inexorably on the benefit-office….”Sheft,infidel Dog…I wanny free money and flat” as they push old Grannies to the floor. The rearguard,made up of moustached women in burqas are delayed by having to stop to give Princess Anne a good lashing,although nobody is sure if this is because she resembles a horse,or has disrespected Allah by being uncovered.

    By God, I don’t know about the enemy,but they certainly put the shits up me.

    Fuck them.

  12. A fighting force needs to be exactly that first and foremost.

    PC bullshit will not repel an invading force or defend our interests (what’s left of them) around the world.

    Any cunt admitting to teary-eyed rhetoric, wanting a cock-chop (on MoD money), or any general snowflakery should be prevented from signing up otherwise our forces will end up being like the dregs that have infected the police force over the last 20yrs resulting in a criminal loving, “peaceful” hugging, bean-flicking head of the met.

    You can’t win battles with nasty tweets and you can’t win a war by simply unfriending your aggressors!

    My Granddad admitted to wearing nylon tights under his army gear as they were an effective means of keeping warm in freezing weather during WW2 (a tip he go from his Yank compatriots).

    I don’t think he ever envisaged that garment choice being a prerequisite for signing up along with cock rings and butt plugs!

    • “I don’t think he ever envisaged that garment choice being a prerequisite for signing up along with cock rings and butt plugs!”…..

      Oh ma sides! cheered me up no end that did……..

  13. Apparently 85% of all immigrants who rock up on our shores, are here because they’ve managed to get an appointment with their own doctor….

    Your army needs you.
    To take your COMPASSION,
    And shove it up your fuckin arse…..
    The enemy is over there…
    He’s brown, smells of curry and rapes goats….

    ….or maybe they plan to use the snowflakes as cannon fodder, in which case let’s step up the marketing campaign…. a few less remoaners would be great.

    Your army needs you.
    ….you’re just as tough as men and I’m sure you’ll all do a really really good job against Isis…
    *scoff* *shhh shhh*
    They’re over there.
    You’re so tough you don’t even need guns….

  15. The soldier song.

    Arsol, arsol
    Arsoldier I would be

    Twopiss twopiss
    Two pistols on my knee

    To die for my queens cunt, die for my queens cunt
    Die for my queens cuntreeeee

    Arsol, arsol, arsoldier I would be…..

  16. Thankfully, snowflakes won’t join the Army in the first place. What bothers me is that the Army seems unable to recruit at all. The infantry was once a guaranteed career for “less bright” kids or those who wanted to escape their shit hole lives. Now these kind of kids don’t bother. Shame really, cos it’s life changing and well paid. Perhaps kids are too blinkered or spoilt.

    My answer is this – a quick fix on the Universal Credit computer system. Applicants can mouse click on a single button to begin their claim. Whereupon they are taken to a webpage that says “get a job you idle cunt”.

    • Why would they bother when they get silver spoons on the Nashy courtesy of a 13yr cunt Labour administration that bankrupted the country and subsequent weak coalition and Conservative Govts are too fucking scared to revoke!

      Why go into the army, get some discipline and learn to work hard when you get almost as much for doing fuck all!

      We need to:

      1. Get out of the EU.
      2. Resolve the “peaceful” issue (including the enforced repatriation of ANY foreign “peaceful” cunt who’s on ANY watchlist).
      3. Put the idle Kyle scum masses to work to cover all those “jobs no one wants to do” given the elites’ cheap labour market has now been fucked off in (1). You will earn your keep or you won’t get any money. Don’t like the Govt assigned role, feel free to get a real job in civvy street and pay some taxes – just like what I do, CUNTS!

    • The Army could recruit. Crapita can’t, and this is (partly) why-

      I get the very strong feeling that a website provides much higher profits than physical recruiting centres with real people.Who are able to sweet-talk promising recruits into joining and equally to tell the idiots to fuck off.

      And I think you’ll find that Army NCO’s and OR’s are as dead against this as any cunter here.

  17. I saw a touchy feely advert featuring squaddies. Thought it was one of those ubiquitous mental health initiatives the government keeps spending money on.
    Nope, recruitment for the Army.
    Dear Lord don’t let Russia invade yet, we havent finished our primal screaming sessions.

  18. Bring back the Mary Recruiting Office.

    I once knew an oirish bird called Mary, she could see off a tank division single-handedly, or probably ground-burst and wipe out Lutonistan, at the very least.

  19. I worked on the MoD’s new recruitment software built by Crapita. One day a General came into the office and said young people don’t want to apply to the services anymore but those that do are fat and unfit. So that’s why we have these ludicrous adverts. My solution is to offer a decent wage to those who put their life in danger, a guarantee to be looked after leaving like they have in Australia and not to be prosecuted. Maybe people will want to join up then. I mean who wants to be left one legged, homeless, on the dole and up for criminal charges?

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