The Common Cold

We’ve all been there, haven’t we?

You get up feeling about as good as you can before three or four cups of coffee and a bacon roll set you up for the day. By lunchtime you feel a bit, well, fatigued for some reason, and by the afternoon you’ve got an irritating, scratchy tickle in your throat. By teatime you’re sneezing for England and your nose is in the first stages of feeling and looking like a blowtorched strawberry. You go to bed feeling like shite, but as soon as you lie flat, you start coughing like a shunting engine and your breathing sounds like a set of asthmatic bagpipes.

You’ve now got no alternative, my friends; you’ve got to resign yourselves to your fate, as I am having to do at this very moment. This is a bullet you can’t dodge, and it’s known as ‘the common cold’. The good news is that you aren’t going to die. The bad news is that for a week or so, it’ll feel as though you are.

Don’t bother going to the quack, he won’t want to know. He’ll send you to the local pharmacy, where they’ll flog you a bottle of some ‘Night Nurse’ type shit, which contrary to what you’ve seen in the adverts, will prove to be as much use as a chocolate poker. You can try those old remedies that your granny always inflicted on you, like gargling with salt water, or (retch) boling an onion and drinking the water, all of which will prove to be equally u/s.

Worst of all, you’ll have to endure being patronised by ‘er indoors; ‘honestly men, get a little cold and you collapse, whereas we women just get on with it’. Yeah, just like you did last time when you spent three fucking days on the sofa. Oh, that was FLU, was it?

No, there’s only one sure way to ease your pain when you’re struck down. Get a large glass of brandy, add a little hot water and sugar, and throw in a large slice of lemon, then get outside of this as quickly as possible, repeating as often as deemed necessary. It won’t actually speed up your recovery, but it’ll make you feel a lot more comfortable in the process.

Modern science has worked many miracles. We’ve created satellites, computers and space stations, we’ve split the atom, discovered antibiotics, put a man on the moon, and goodness knows what else. Why oh why then can we not find a cure for the common fucking cold?

Nominated by Ron Knee

42 thoughts on “The Common Cold

  1. There’s only one way out if it:
    Extreme levels of physical activity (such as chopping logs or running up hills) to keep you sweating and your metabolism high. Mix with frequent glasses of whiskey. Embrace your discomfort and learn to enjoy the torture.
    The alternative is to snivel away in one corner feeling sorry for yourself, and as you correctly pointed out – becoming a target for piss boiling sarcasm from the missus.

  2. Outbreak of African Swine Fever in Belgium so I wouldn’t worry about a fucking cold. We’ve got a lot more exotic shit coming our way. 🇪🇺

  3. Gary Gardner has been jailed for fraud. This is the cunt who raised thousands for Lee Rigby’s kid, but didn’t hand it over. I do so hope that there’s a couple of ex squaddies on the same wing as him.
    Sweet dreams Mr. Gardner, you fucking cunt.
    Good afternoon.

    • Two and a half years? Cunt should have been chained up outside the Woolwich barracks for the passing public to piss on. Then fucking hanged the scum.

    • He’s a true Cunt, Jack, no doubt. Although I’ve wondered before just how much actually gets to the charity when you see those fuckers collecting with buckets. There’s a group of lasses do it in the pubs around here on that fucking Pudsey charity day,I know a couple of them,and wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them.Not that I’d put anything in anyhow.
      Hopefully Gardner’ll get just what he deserves. Pure scum.

    • I thought poor Lee’s fate would have been the spark this country needed to finally call it quits on the appeasement of an insidious religion that brings nowt but misery to every nation it infiltrates but alas the 30 year propaganda/public shaming programme worked and the majority stayed quiet. Wonder what it will take eventually🤔

  4. Any man who whines on about “feeling sniffly” is probably a poof suffering from the latter stages of Nancyboyism and should be told to take his disease laden carcass back to his perfumed boudoir.

    • Damn right mr F. The only illness that puts a man down should be the one that kills him.
      That said, if I feel a bit wobbly I’m gonna prop myself against a wall in the hope I’ll be still standing after death.

  5. Con people into believing that you’re a licensed pharmacist, by taking half an hour, to put a box of tablets into a fucking paper bag….

  6. Look on the bright side, Ron… At least it isn’t monkeypox or some other bit of Bogo-Bogo exotica… A decent soup will help… Onion is a good one… Get well soon anyway, pal…

      • It might not frighten the horses but, by Dog, it frightens me.

        Although it does make me grateful that some wimmin still ask me to reach stuff down for them from the top shelf in supermarkets. Much more dignified. Otherwise they’d be crawling all over the shelves, with groceries dangling between their thighs.

        Kirstie Allslop, however, could probably walk off a forecourt with an Audi up her twat.

    • That’s fuck all – in the mob during a trip to Singers there was a Filipino who could crack the top of a coke bottle with her piss flap muscles. Sticky Vicky and her daughter in Benidorm should get a shout out too. Never seen as many fairy lights pulled out of one place in my life as Sticky could produce from her slit. I heard tell there were missing servicemen down there.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4Q1QP34mP4

  7. Last time I had a common cold (several years ago now) the cunt turned into pneumonia!

    I didn’t know that’s what it was but I felt rough as arseholes, so much so I went to the quack who immediately sent me to the hospital RAMAC unit where I had a vampires worth of blood taken, x-rays taken and was given some elephant dose antibiotic tablets within an hour and felt great again within 3 days.

    So the NHS is piss poor at run of the mill stuff but great if you’re about to die or summat.

    That said I was at home in the Northeast where there’s not too much competition from much more deserving Parkies or Africunts. I shudder to think what would have happened if I’d been in a 3rd world country like Luton!

    So colds are cunts as far as I’m concerned!

    —-

    And to my Old Testament Allies L’Shanah Tovah!

    • I could tell you. City Road, just a mile short of Brum. If you aren’t sick before you go in there, you will be as soon as enter with your eyes open. Went there recently with “an acquaintance” for a funny looking mole related check up. Was the ONLY non Muslim people in there, not exaggerating one bit, the queue of burka clad warriors outside what was clearly the female genital outpatients department on floor one was like the background on one of those ‘save Darfur’ ads with Ewan McGregor in. I was the only fucking taxpayer in half a mile, and still had to wait 2 extra hours. I do feel for those that work in the NHS, but they should fucking speak out if they want to keep their jobs, because once the only tax payer in the room has forsaken you, your pretty fucked. You try getting Burka’d Bertha to contribute to your pension….. cunts.

    • They are trying to persuade EU leaders to stop Brexit. Not UK leaders. EU leaders.
      I think any pretence of democracy has gone out the window with these puffed up has-beens.

      • Fuck my old boots!!! If this isn’t the most blatant piece of treason and treachery in this country’s history then you can fuck me up the arse and call me Doris. What a snivelling bunch of self serving fucking bastards.
        The fact that the Guardian shitrag is bragging about this puts those cunts in the same category.
        A fucking disgrace.

        • The fact they are described as some sort of self-styled ‘diplomatic mission’ with no authority on fuck all says it all. A useless Grey Man more well known for rooting Edwina Curry, a third-rate used tampon who lost his seat to a Coronation St Chesney lookalike and well, Blair.

        • As much as I’d like to take you up on your most generous offer Doris I’m afraid I simply cannot disagree with one word!

          I think the last “hung, drawn and quartered” sentence was meted out in the 18th century.

          I’d say there’s many a treacherous cunt in Cuntminster (past, present or periphery) much deserving of this punishment here in 2018!

          Fucking Haw Haw Cunts!

        • As long as there are opportunities to ride young arse His Lordship will be there. Brussels is as good a place as any for A-rab rent boys.

          • What a quartet of great statesmen:
            Lord Mandelson
            Sir Nicholas Clegg
            Sir John Major
            Tony Blair

            Eh? Hold on…….where’s Tony’s title? How come he isn’t a Lord or a Knight of the Realm? It’s fucking outrageous!
            I’m starting an online petition to correct this injustice. If you include his money grabbing wife and brats I reckon I should get at least twenty signatures.

          • Darth Cunter!

            “So, we need a new Death Star, and I was thinking we use that same dodge where we tax the Empire to buggery to pay for it, but, we actually get private Star Barons to build it. They own it but we blame the Jedi. In a couple of parsecs the younglings we believe that the Jedi privatised the Death Star and no us Sith saviours of the universe!”

            “Fuck me! And to think you were Anakin Blairwalker back in the day! That plan is even fucking low for the Sith! But tell me. What happens to the tax money we take from the poor cunts busting a nut for the Empire?”

            “That’s easy. We give it to the Jawas! Look, they may be the most idle cunts in the galaxy, all walking around covered up from head to toe, but they’re still one vote, one vote for ME! And as soon as we’ve imported enough of the thieving dirty little cunts we’re in forever!”

            “So basically we sell out the original Imperial Citizens in preference to Intergalactic Scum?”

            “Yes, absolutely.”

            “You clever Sith cunt!”

            “Thanks!”

          • Blair isn’t a lord because he’d have to reveal rather too much about where his income comes from to pass the entrance exam. He was in Estonia today, incidentally, giving it large on digital technology, about which he knows fuck-all. He meant Facebook, I think.

  8. Not had a cold for 12yrs since had to live in trailer with no heat, helps that I don’t see any feckers to catch anything from. Just fell backwards out of the Mog landed in the fecking road fecking hard stuff tarmac, ouch rather have a cold at moment.

  9. A clove of garlic everyday in one of your meals.

    Nothing will want to live inside you, and no one with you. Perfect remedy for all cunts alike.

  10. Had the flu when I was 20
    I’m convinced the same thing now would actually kill me. Fuck me I was on my chin strap . Barely managed to literally crawl to the bathroom for a piss once or twice a day . I just laid in bed staring and falling into disturbed sleep for 22 hours a day. Felt like someone was lighting fires in various parts of my body.That part lasted 2 weeks with the whole process lasting the best part of 8 weeks. Truly fucking horrendous experience.
    Didn’t cure me of my cuntishness though. Thank fuck.

    • I’ve had 14 days off sick in the last 8 years… all down to one plucky fortnight where my very bones hurt and I sprayed a small amount of blood with every dry, hacking cough I was awake to muster. Runny noses are for poofs but if rather have a cock up my arse than experience that 2 weeks again….

  11. A propos de absolutely fuck all, try “Introduction to the Middle East” (Freudian Slip Productions) on youtube.

    Sorry I can’t work out how to post the link, I is a dumb cunt wot cannot understand the functionality of this gizmo.

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