Big Brother

With the changing of the seasons comes the latest incarnation shitshow, one of the founding members of the accursed reality TV movement. Like some kind of hideous fucking zombie, almost light years past its sell-by date, this abomination keeps being resurrected to cater for the absolute detritis of society. Avid viewers and cuntestants alike are amongst the most extreme examples of look-at-me fame-hungry shitcunts you will ever see.

The accompanying post-goatfuck analysis show (BB/CBBotS) is fronted by ubiquitous shirtlifter celebrity-worshipper in-chief, Rylan ‘2 by 4 Veneers’ Clark-Neal, who as a fame whore and former winner, neatly encapsulates the utterly appalling vacuity and superficial idiocy which has gripped the West in a seemingly never-ending radioactive cunt-fallout, caused by the colliding nuclear warheads of both Reality TV and Social Media. The resulting barren, post-apocalyptic cunt landscape is now filled with people who believe they are 24/7 on some personal audition for Big fucking Brother.

Only Channel 5 could so enthusiastically get behind a played-out, asanine bag of fermenting excrement such as this. Even amongst the infinite, nightmarish expanse of such bollocks television, BB/CBB stands out as being probably the most cancerously vapid example. And all this without even mentioning the fucking monumental wankstain who has spent the last 18 years embelishing his Geordie accent on the programme’s voiceovers.

One of my all time fantasies involves a BB ‘challenge’ where a Siberian Tiger, suffering from both malnutrition and advanced stages of Rabies, is let loose in the house to gorge, maul and maim the fucking simpletons inside. Perchance to fucking dream, friends…

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

35 thoughts on “Big Brother

  1. I still remember the huge fuss when this bag of wank started way back in 2000. The highlight of that seminal run was some conniving investment banker trying to cheat his way to victory.

    Some people think that this show, despite not being the first ‘reality’ show (remember all those godawful on-the-fly clubbing shows of the 90s, amongst others), is what we have to thank for society today. I tend to agree. It’s where stupidity and vanity began to get promoted as popular traits in fuckers.

    I’d like to think that without BB, we would now be living in a saner era. Though I’m sure some fucker would have pioneered obsession with the self as the norm sooner or later.

    • Started up around the same time as Jackass on MTV, another bag of garbage that shat all over impressionable teenagers and taught them that destroying your body for money and laughter is just fantastic.

    • Only reason i watched the first season was because of the shower cam they had. I think the hippy bird who played guitar if i remember had a lovely big hairy muff .

      Must say i was 15 at the time with a few wank mags( Prefered Escort and ready’s wifes oh and 50+). So seeing live muff was a (wet)dream come true .

  2. Sorry Empire or sometimes Umpire.
    If you watch this there is no hope. Even being aware of it should carry a custodial sentence. Doomed. We’re all doomed.

    • I am ashamed I know of it. But at least I only know enough of it to cunt it, so surely I can just get community service and a fine, yer onner?

  3. Roxanne Pallett can sit on my face any time she fancies. I couldn’t give a shit if she’s a Mental.

      • The woman is stark,staring mad. I might be hard up at the minute,but even I wouldn’t want a go on her dugs,never mind share them with her 17 year old son.

        Extraordinary woman.

    • If she sits on your face, you’d better put your fag out first, Mr F!
      But then she’d accused you of “chin rape” or some such shit..

      • Doubt my cigarette would stay lit very long with her gushing like a geyser as she caught sight of my magnificence. Being known as the “most hated woman in Britain” would be the least of her problems if I got the chance to slip her a length.

        Good Afternoon Mr. Cunt-Engine.

        • Afternoon, Mr F.
          I hate to burst your bubble, but I believe that Roxanne Pallett is transgender.
          He was Ron Pallett until his reassignment surgery a couple of years ago.

          • As you know, Mr Cunt-Engine, there’s no one more accepting and open-minded than myself…. anyhow, I’ve been leering at some naked photos of the little minx and Ron had better brace himself, I’m coming aboard.
            ( Roxanne’s no tranny…I blew up the photos and examined her nether regions closely through my magnifying-glass which I keep handy for just such occasions)

  4. It’s hard to believe this pile of old dogshit is still going, especially when you compare it with the competition for the restricted attention span provided by Slag Island.
    Surely it reached its zenith when it produced the loud and obnoxious, mega thicko, chav princess Jade fucking Goody.
    Who could forget her coffin trundling through the backstreets of Bermondsey, showered with flowers thrown by her adoring fans. A truly cringeworthy Dianaesque moment. They should have buried this show with the fat slag right there and then but I suppose there’s still money to be made out of it.
    The irony of the “celebrity “ version these days is that unless you watch all the other reality shit you have no idea who these dull bastards are. A case of cunts eating themselves.

    • “The irony of the “celebrity “ version these days is that unless you watch all the other reality shit you have no idea who these dull bastards are. A case of cunts eating themselves.”

      A golden quote to be sure, Freddie.

  5. Excellent cunting,, cannot agree more, hopefully one day, the human species will look back at what utter fucking shite we are going through, warping our children’s heads with bullshit, I feel sorry for the future of humanity, There has to be other intelligent life in the universe, obviously not fucking here, they only come here for amusement, Imagine passing earth and looking in, What a fuckup.

  6. Big Brother is a complete load of bollocks made for snowflakes, freaks and those who have an IQ below 40.

    Made by cunts, and watched by cunts.

    I nominated Rylan Clark-Neal in November last year (my first ever ISAC nom), and this clip still remains the most distressing and cringe worthy fucking spectacle that I have ever witnessed. on X factor. Which I never watched either.

    Rylan has been described as “An annoying camp gay idiot with Hollywood horse teeth”, with “teeth that could chew a tomato through a letter box”, or (from Paul Maskinback) “this cunt looks like he has borrowed his plastic comedy teeth from Dick Emery’s vicar character” or “multitalentless” (HBelindaHubbard).

    The only thing that could possibly make the programme worse would be the introduction of uber low life “tits and arses” cunt Keith Lemon (who by the way has not been nominated on ISAC for over 5 years). Perhaps he is already on it. Don’t know, don’t care. Cant stand either of them. To coin a Countdown contestant quote “a pair of wankers”.

    I said it then and I’ll say it again. It depresses me deeply that despite appearing devoid of any obvious talent this “Wannabe” has actually made it onto our screens, is worth the best part of £5m and is now considered a celebrity on the type of programme that is now passes for “entertainment”.

    Big Brother. TV for retards.

  7. No self-respecting Siberian Tiger would be seen dead wanting to appear anywhere near the Big Wanker House, even if it was starving to death and suffering from rabies!

    And yes, I wouldn’t mind Roxanne Pallett sitting on my face either (just so long as her mouth was gagged)

  8. Big brother. Jesus christ, excellent cunting. Probably responsible for as much damage to society as facebook.
    I second the introduction of a hungry tiger, but I’d like to see the house extended to hold at least 100 contestants. I wouldn’t mind starving them a little too, just to see if any of them will resort to cannabalism.
    With regards to reality TV, somebody mentioned anneka rice to me the other day. And yes, I laughed my arse off. Then however, I did a little reading and was astounded at the amount that she did for other people. Actually made good use of license fee money. Moved a whole hospital 1800 miles for fuck’s sake.
    Needless to say, there’s no thanks involved for positive television. The idea of being nice to people for nothing never caught on elsewhere. And she never got nominated for anything even though sports personalities get MBE’s for being ‘great people’.

  9. Mrs Plastic watches it.(she is really living up to her name on here). And I have to listen to what’s been happening. How I suffer. I remember it was a super serious ‘social experiment’ when it started on Channel Four. Even some academic there. It was supposed to be ‘Educational. ‘Now this is the behaviours we see when his territory has…’ Cut to the homosexual Housemate sneaking a crafty wank before sleeptime.

    • I am amazed that someone hasn’t been bludgeoned in their sleep by a fellow housemate, considering all the years and all the countries where this shit-format has been peddled.

      • Now then! We can make that happen. Just simply add some peaceful contestants and leave all the table legs loose.
        There are endless modifications that would make this program watchable.
        Like spiking half the house with LSD and the other half with Monkeydust.
        Or rewarding cruelty with food whilst the bullied get starved.
        Or just leaving tazers lying around in there.
        Introduction of diseases that cause defecation.
        Refusing to release the most likely violent contestant after telling him/her there’s been a death in the family.
        I could go on all day.

        • Love your ideas Cuntflap. I would definitely tune in for that kind of ‘reality’ tv. Maybe they could get points which would go to the final result. Cunts!

  10. Had to attend my girlfriend’s funeral yesterday.
    Met her parents for the first time.

    What a pair of miserable bastards….

  11. Thank feck for my awkward personality and point blank refusal to follow the fetid spore of the multitude i have never seen this pile of inane crap.

  12. The only time I pay any attention to this visual excrement is when the next batch of “Celebrities” is announced.Sometimes you see a name that you once admired and think”Fuck me,times must be real hard if the poor cunt has stooped to this”. Ken Russell,Leo Sayer,Dennis Rodman,Vinnie Jones,Stephen Baldwin,Gareth Thomas,Michael Madsen,Razor Ruddock,Ron Atkinson,Jim Davidson,Evander Holyfield(!!!),Kirstie Alley… em or loathe them they didnt deserve this humiliation.By the way Ricky Gervais did a brilliant piss take of CBB in one of the Extras episodes.

    • Ron Atkinson was on BB????

      Christ. Please tell me he was the guest star of a CBB Nigeria!?

  13. I’m astonished that the programme hasn’t been repeatedly cunted before – although I see its contestants have. Congratulations on a thorough and polyadjectival cunting of the first order ; future cuntings will have a hard act to follow. Not having a box, I have nevertheless picked up enough about this festering tower of lowest-common-denominator dogshit to form an opinion, and I dimly remember seeing 1/10 of an episode on a friend’s television before urgently needing to go to the pub.

    But Siberian tigers are so rare that it would be better for their conservation status if they were not required to eat two-legged garbage. Perhaps an aerosolised flesh-eating bacterium sprayed into the ventilation system would do the trick? It would be just as entertaining IMO, and much slower.

  14. Where’s a bottle of Novichok when you need it, it would be of genuine good use for this progs participants

    • Best solution, resulting in S-L-U-D-G-E
      Salivation, lachrymation, urination, diaphoresis, gastric distress, emesis.

      Just turning on the box (years back I would’ve said tv, but nowadays that word has gone the same way as “gay”) or reading about the eu’s latest wankpuffinery usually has this effect.

  15. This kind of wank puffery will continue in one guise or another as long as there’s an audience to watch it !!
    Love island?
    Ex on the beach?
    Geordie shore?
    Teenage( scum) mum?
    America’s next top model?
    It’s an endless tsunami of shite which has engulfed TV!!
    Cheap to make, consumed by the masses!!

  16. Folk (i.e. women with issues and mincers) who watch this absolute bollocks are degenerate fucktards. As far as I’m concerned, they are worse than both the attention/money/fame seeking contestants who choose to partake, and the moronic producers and broadcaster who platform this bile. If no cunt watched it, it wouldn’t exist.
    Watch something worthwhile/educational, go for a walk, get a hobby, or failing that, stick pins in your eyes, which would be far more beneficial to your cognitive function that watching this complete and utter wank.

    • Too true. Reality stars are well worth the mighty cuntings they receive on ISAC, but the real cunts are the viewing public who give them the platform to be noticed. Rylan Clark isn’t worth 5 mil because he has an ounce of talent, he’s worth 5 mil because there are hordes of braindead, socially retarded mongs sat at home, taking an unfathomable interest in the comings and goings of fame hungry nobodies.

  17. Yeah, I can’t see reality TV ever going away. It costs fuck all to make so is a low risk project. If you hit on a winner, like B.B. originally was, it’s a licence to print money.
    Who would have thought that a fucking baking competition judged by some doddery old biddy would pull an audience of millions?
    I fear the bottom of the barrel is a long way from being scraped just yet.

    • Just written a pilot for Celebrity Scraping the Barrel, as it happens. In which zzz-list wannabes literally scrape a tar barrel with their fingernails.. Useful tie-in with beauty products with added humiliation, and well above the trivia-intolerance threshold of the masses. Look out for it later in the year; I am confident it will be explosive.

  18. I hear Chan 5 have just announced that they will not continue Big Brother beyond the current series. Congratulations to all on a terminal cunting!

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