Smart Meters


Cuntish Gas Supplier: Hello, I’m phoning to arrange a time when we can fit the new Smart Meter.

Captain M: Wow. Has it been a whole year since you called?

Cuntish Gas Supplier: Well I ‘ave tried 23 times this week.

Captain M: As I tell you every year, I don’t want a Smart Meter.

Cuntish Gas Supplier: I’m just phoning to arrange a time-

Captain M: Why are you so obsessed! I don’t want to be hacked or for it to go on fire after being badly installed.

Cuntish Gas Supplier: That hasn’t happened for days.

Captain M: And will it be more difficult to switch gas/electricity suppliers?

Cuntish Gas Supplier: No, no, no. Not at all, mate. Definitely not. All false. Hearsay and lies.

Captain M: Really?

Cuntish Gas Supplier: Alright it’ll be a nightmare. But it’ll bring an end to them estimated bills!

Captain M: Oh?

Cuntish Gas Supplier: No, not really. Not at all, in fact.

Captain M: Great, speak to you next year.

Cuntish Gas Supplier: There is loads of evidence that Smart Meters will save you money AND energy!

Captain M: (sigh)

Cuntish Gas Supplier: Naa, that’s a lie too. No evidence at all.

Captain M: I’ve even heard they’re difficult to understand. Like listening to an argument between Ian “Lan-daaan” Wright and Roy “King Pikey” Keane?

Cuntish Gas Supplier: They’re not AS difficult as that, but…

Captain M: As I ask you every year, can you give me one genuinely good reason to install a smart meter?

Cuntish Gas Supplier: Yeah! They were first championed by Ed Milliband….

…Hello…? Captain M…?


Nominated by Captain Magnanimous

Smart meters are supposed to mean an end to estimated bills and to enable you to save energy.

First I use what I need to use so how the fuckity fuck does it save me money on my lecky bill? Secondly they run on electricity so it actually costs me more not less.

Finally, I don’t give a flying fuck about estimated bills because I pay by monthly direct debit so unless they are going to charge me in arrears based on actual usage rather than in advance for an agreed amount, I really couldn’t care less if they estimate the bill.

And given that they rack up a huge payment in advance every summer, they’re not going to change their billing system are they? They’re a con and a fucking great big waste of time, but the snowflakes love ’em ‘cos they look cool on your Twatphone.

Nominated by Pedantic Cunt

78 thoughts on “Smart Meters

  1. I still have very little understanding of what these Smart Meter things are.

    • They are a complete waste of everyone’s time and money

      Old technology which save on average £11 a year. Yes, a year.

      And some of them cannot even supply the provider with a reading, the main reason for installing the fucking things.

      I recently submitted a meter reading online (which several times annoyingly reminded me about smart meters, whether I wanted one, whether I have ever thought about having one installed or whether I wanted to talk to someone about smart meters- no, no and no), only for a few days later a tall thick beanpole cunt came to get a reading. Whilst I was having breakfast. Cunt.

      Asked what is the point of submitting a meter reading if it did not stop invasions of privacy and presumably a waste of everyone’s money by him having to come out.

      Having been in our current house for 25 years, always with British Gas and during that time having relatively regular usage, my direct debits have varied wildly from £25 a month to £160 a month. How fucking difficult is it to peg the direct debit at a reasonable level WITHOUT INCREASING IT EVERY TWO MONTHS. Cunts.

      • British Gas haven’t read our meter for a year now. We submit readings online and pay quarterly, also online.

        Can’t remember when we last had a problem (apart from the extortionate price rises). Must lead a charmed life…

        Btw, agree with Boris re his “letterbox” comments on face veils. If Peaceful wimmin choose not to integrate they should expect to be adversely commented upon by normal people.

        • It’s as if these snowflakes don’t realise he’s being humorous. He’s like Clarkson in that a lot of his shtick is using humour and hyperbole to illustrate a greater point.

      • I got so fucked off with EDF constantly wanting to change our DD amount(which has been the same for 10 years and always gives a nice credit balance in autumn in case there’s a bad winter) that I cancelled it and set up a standing order instead.

      • Ah Willie,
        Having worked on the nuclear power stations years ago I became a “travelling man” – a daily rate of about £30 was given for digs if you were more than 20 miles from home as the crow flies but excluding natural barriers (like working in Sellafield but having to endure the longest cul de sac in the world that is Barrow in Furness and dog shite island (or Walney island as the locals called it). Now staying in digs (sometimes cracking – other times you wouldn’t leave you pet dog or your mother in law in them) most had meters for gas and electric. A fair old cottage industry existed for the onsite sparks to produce what they call a U cable. It was bared at both ends and of the 100amp variety. The incoming electric has 3 live feeds (if I remember rightly) – connect the first cable to the third cable and as if by magic your leccy meter goes round like a snail – perfect as long as you remembered to only do it when you were in the place. If the landlord caught you – or even worse the leccy board it could be kicked out or arrested. Pardon me – that’s just long way round of explaining that occasionally the leccy board will want access just to have a shufty that a) you aren’t fucking around with the electrics and b) you aren’t running a cannabis factory and using humungous amounts of leccy but only declaring a few units. And heres the good bit – on your gas meter if you lift it by the flexible pipes and put a lump of wood under it so its on its back – the gas meter wont work at all – again – not a clever trick if your meter is in a cupboard outside and bob the gas man opens it to read the meter. Only reason I know that is an old oppo worked for British Gas and used to upend his meter regularly to have a bath or keep the heating on 24 hours a day to dry washing in the winter 😉

  2. By the way, is anyone else getting a message saying that they can’t post because Javascript and cookies aren’t enabled?

    • Yes. Blocked by wordfence, having to complete name and e-mail, and so on and so on….fucking ridiculous!

      • Just to clarify :

        (1) Entering a name and email address has ALWAYS been a requirement on this site.

        (2) If you’re getting a message saying you need to enable cookies and Javascript, then can you suggest that you enable cookies and Javascript?

        (3) Wordfence requires email and name because we’ve told it to. It’s part of troll blocking and first comment moderation. It’s not a fault. It’s policy and always has been

        So if you’re experiencing something new, then it’s your end not ours.

        • See, the thing is I think I do have Java and Cookies enabled because I was able to post my initial comment on this thread at the second time of asking.

        • Accept what you are saying Admin however if it is not your end then it must be something else outside of your control as the simple fact of the matter is so many of us have suddenly experienced a change in the way we submit our post, logically it has to be more than coincidence.

          Perhaps it is a change that WordPress have made, as I for one have not changed or made any amendments to my operating systems?

          • Have just been onto WordPress to see whether I am able to change my settings.

            Unfortunately I am none the wiser.

  3. Able to post but have to put details in each time, although the free text boxes have the information stored in them, so it’s a couple of keystrokes.

      • Not really. Usually the information boxes already have the username and email address filled in and visible. I’m currently having to click on the box and select from several possible names, used on other sites, and several email addresses, so it’s still not working properly.

  4. Oddly this post brought up the wordfence error message but it went through on the 3rd attempt to post

  5. Yes. and Im also getting barred because the site has exceeded its usage. Also having to put in Name and e-mail every post!

    • The usage problem is a problem with the web not the site.
      You get this :

      Your access to this service has been temporarily limited. Please try again in a few minutes. (HTTP response code 503)
      Reason: Exceeded the maximum global requests per minute for crawlers or humans.

      You get it ourselves once in a while

      See above for name and email. We’re sick of repeating ourselves

  6. It’s all bollocks anyway! Whatever money you save on these useless things will be swept away when the utility companies announce their usual annual excuse about having to increase your bills way above inflation due to “a dramatic rise in wholesale prices” – which is thick cunt’s speak for “we’re running a cartel with other suppliers and we need to increase dividends to all of our investors! They also don’t like the idea of you cunts using less electricity, so we’ve upped the cost to make up the shortfall! So fuck you and your smart meters!”

  7. Anyway… the real reason for smart meters isn’t to save you money. It’s to save them money. They need realtime numbers from your usage so they can buy and sell at different rates in order to maximise their profits and minimise your chance of a cheap electricity.

    Surge pricing and off peak tariffs is what it is all about. All at the tax payers expense. Water will be next, you’ll be waking up at 3am to wash your clothes because you won’t be able to do it at 9am because “that’s when your betters will be needing the electricity and water”. This civil war can’t come soon enough.

    • Big Khunt I fear you are right. This is really Big Brother masquerading as ‘cheaper energy’.
      The more the fucking world “gets more efficient” the more I resemble one of those poor hick fuckers living off grid in the deserts of Wyoming, trapping his own food, shitting and showering in the creek, minding his own business. Except I’m a Brit.
      As the great Joe Walsh’s song goes “I’m an analogue man in a digital world “

  8. Waste of fucking time and money, they haven’t got the first generation rolled out before the second one is on the way. What I want to know is which government ministers have got shares in the company that manufactures them.
    Good afternoon.

  9. As Pedantic Cunt states: “Secondly they run on electricity so it actually costs me more not less.

    I posed this to one of these twats and their response was: “No, the fraction of electricity to run the meter per year is already deducted from your estimated saving!”

    “And if there is no saving, do I get a rebate on my bill to cover it?”

    “Er, er, well, er…”

    Exactly! All the cunts who fell for the energy providers bullshit of hundreds of pounds a year being saved, clamouring for the 1st Gen devices are now ruing the day they ever bothered as most of these cunts have more devices than James Bond, all to be powered and charged, and most of those types ended up paying more.

    One bloke on our estate became such an electricity Stasi in his house – so determined he was to prove he was right by having a saving – his own family started to call the cunt “Magneto”! (P.S. If by some chance you’re reading this Magneto you are a cunt and not just for this reason)!

    And you’re right, switching supplier when you have a 1st Gen device is a cunt. 2nd Gen it’s still awkward. Allegedly 3rd Gen it will no longer be an issue. Whether 1st Gen or 3rd Gen they can all fuck off as far as I’m concerned.

    I wish I owned the company shelling out these thick meters as their CEOs must be rubbing their fucking hands!

    Also the thick meter message is still being endlessly promoted on commercial TV and radio except now, now that there is fuck all to be saved by having one of these things installed, they’re pushing the “save the planet” angle. Shit like: “Install a smart meter and with that saving you could bake 200 cup cakes!” – or – “Install a smart meter and together we could power a small town for a week!”

    Or – how about this one from my own book: “Have one less brew a day and collectively we could power a small town for a whole month and FUCK the smart meter!”

    Just pointless propaganda promoted by greedy energy pariahs who know there is no saving to be had and Green Party dullards who are so thick they believed them!

    Dear Green Party Dullards,

    Ask yourself this: what business model actively promotes something that will end up loosing them profit each year?

    Answer: none! They’d be fucking stupid wouldn’t they!

    And yet you fell for it hook, line and sinker didn’t you Caroline Lucas. Maybe you should just stick to unpatriotic Brexit bashing and bean flicking. You Cunt!

    Love & kisses,

    Rebel without a Cunt!
    (…or a smart meter for that matter…)

    • 1st Gen… 2nd Gen… or 3rd Gen… it’s all Greek to me.

      We’ve had the same meters in our gaff since the ’90s – if not before.

      This fucking country is really askin’ for it! 😤

  10. AND they promote them as FREE. Since when has a utility company given anything away for free – there may not be a specific bill for it on your doormat but you ARE paying for it and no fucking mistake!

  11. Ah yes this.

    Case in point just last week:

    Operator: so when you want an appointment?

    Me: I’ve already told you four times last week that I don’t a smart meter!

    Operator proceeds to keep rapping on about smart meter jargon and I proceed to hang up on the daft cunt.

    Wash rinse and repeat.

    Fucking cunts.

  12. So-called ‘IS Beatles’ El Shafee Elsheikh and Alexanda Kotey dispute extradition.

    Two Londoners accused of being members of the Islamic State group have called into question the British government’s attempt to have them tried in the United States.

    “What makes the British government want a British citizen to be tried in America? Like what’s behind it?” said Mr Elsheikh.

    Firstly you evil cunts, you are no longer British citizens, you were stripped of your British citizenship.

    Secondly you evil scum cunts, you chose to leave Britain in order to allegedly carry out cold blooded atrocities and inhuman acts on innocent people, and now deserve to face the full force of the law.

    Thirdly you barbaric fuck heads, you know that you will get a tougher sentence in the USA than you will in the soft as shite UK. Even the death sentence. Which if proven guilty is what you deserve. I know that one of your mothers is trying to halt proceedings. Sounds like a lovely person.

    Do you seriously think that after everything that you have done you deserve to come back to the UK? You want sympathy and justice? What about your alleged victims? You made your choice- now you have to pay the consequences.

    Fucking cowardly scum.

    • They don’t have British citizenship, that should be the end of the debate. Let the evil fuckers get executed, it’s what the sub-human scum deserve.

    • Couldn’t the Syrians be persuaded to have an “accident” with one of the poison gas canisters stored in the adjoining room where they’re holding these ISIS scum?

    • Pork scratchings for their last supper.

      Catholic Priest to give them the last rights.

      And then it’s fuck off you cunts!

      “With a smart meter, together we could save enough energy to fry two jihadis scumbags!”

      Ok, finally, a good reason to have a smart meter. Where do I sign up?

    • What’s appalling Willie is the judicial review is being allowed to take place, driven by their UK-based relatives.

      The videos of these blokes’ evil acts are easy to find on the internet (I don’t recommend it). The libtards defending these guys should be made to watch these videos Clockwork Orange fashion.

  13. I imagine they make management’s life easier and save money on meter readers. That’s how unnecessary changes are justified where I work, anyway. Must mean quite a boost to the profits, guessing at the capital investment involved in supplying and changing them.

    But if we all refuse them, they’ll be left with a warehouse full of useless boxes which will have to be sent to China for recycling.

    All together now –
    That’s globalisation!

    • I refuse to give in and have one because us giving in to pressure and bullying is what they want.

      Our local water company have been trying to get me to have a water meter for a long time now. We have three stop cocks at the end of our drive. Asked which one was the one to our house. Said, “I have absolutely no idea, thought that was your job”.

      Their motto is “Love every drop”. Bet they do- and want to charge accordingly. Probably to be fair the fairest way though.

      • “I have absolutely no idea, thought that was your job” ➡ read in Oliver Hardy’s voice.
        Apart from reading about those four future doctors/ scientists/ mayors/ foreign secretaries innocently killed by heavy-handed Bradford cops, that’s the best laugh of the night.

    • Oh, and I’d very nearly guarantee the bastard things were made in China in the first place.

      Aye, WS. They love every drop so much they pump millions of gallons straight out through holes in their unmaintained pipework. Cunts.

  14. Like all things optional, some Whitehall cuntchops civil serpent will eventually wet dream up legislation to make it compulsory. The Gubbimint are seeking to have as many homes on smart meters by 2020.

    All well and good but if your gas and electric meters are separated by heavy reinforced concrete then the gas meter can’t communicate with the electric meter and then the whole premise disintegrates and current meter technology doesn’t allow hard wiring.

    My house has an old analogue meter which my supplier is desperate to change for a smart meter. As far as I am concerned until it becomes enforceable by law and the threat of your family being imprisoned for 20 years on St Kilda then they can fuck right off. Cunts.

  15. Get ready for the foreign aid budget to soar, as the racist ANC government get ready to seize 139 farms ( initially ) from white farmers , who they called ‘murderers’ in a later withdrawn government tweet . These dumb fuckers seem intent on following Zimbabwe on the road to hell. Our government will justify the donation of large sums of British taxpayers money on ‘humanitarian ‘ grounds, rather than letting nature take its course.
    Cunts bankrolling cunts with other people’s money in the name of humanity while white farmers get murdered.
    Fucking madness.

    • I’d happily kick out all the freeloading peaceful scum and take in those white refugee farmers from Africa and Zimbabwe in their place.

    • Couple of years ago whilst retrieving our emptied rubbish bins spoke to one of the collectors who was wearing an unusual hat. His accent was not local, and I asked where from.


      Asked him what he was doing emptying bins in Suffolk.

      Told me he used to be a commercial farm owner, and that his farm was seized and given to the blacks. Also told me that yield on his farm immediately fell by 90%.

  16. By the way, off topic but it seems like they’re trying to kick anyone who doesn’t toe the PC line off the internet now. I’m not a fan of Alex Jones by any means but this sets a very, very dangerous precedent for free speech and freedom of expression.

  17. There is no such thing as a smart meter, just a smart salesperson and a thick customer.

  18. Quit my new job after being shouted at by a jobsworth for being too slow on a machine I wasn’t trained on.Fuck that.

      • My very hard working and highly disciplined wife quit her job last week as a chef.

        Head chef employed a lazy cunt, who was frequently late for work (despite living 300 metres from the hotel), not turning up without notification, numerous sick days, always talking or on his mobile phone, did not know the difference between certain fruit and veg, sent home for being on drugs or drink, and did not wash his hands after going to the toilet (and we are talking number two’s).

        In comparison my wife has worked at the prestigious hotel for nearly 4 years. Never even one sick day, never late (always arriving and working without pay 30 minutes before her scheduled time), and doing the work of four people (quote by head chef).

        My wife spoke to the head chef about 6 weeks ago. Following this only a slight change in said cunts attitude. Head chef went on holiday for three weeks. Normal lazy as fuck attitude resumed, including taking an iPad into work without permission to watch football.

        Shouted at by my wife and several other members of staff for being a useless cunt.

        Last week my wife spoke again to the head chef. He said for my wife not to worry herself about him as not her problem, my wife took the time and trouble to explain standards and morale in the kitchen slipping because of him.

        Two days later my wife resigned. Without a job to go to. Head chef said he wanted to talk to my wife again about him. My wife said no, already twice. Asked her to reconsider, my wife said no. Head chef asked if she would continue whilst he found a replacement as he has 120 weddings coming up. My wife refused.

        On her last day asked if my wife would stay if they got rid of the lazy cunt. She said no.

        The whole kitchen are furious with the head chef as they have lost their best worker and have gained a useless, unreliable, workshy cunt.

        Sometimes Shaun, you have to be true to yourself, your standards and principles and take a stand.

        Whilst we now do not have any revenue coming into the house, we are fortunate financially (just about) for her to do this and of course she has my full support.

        Happy wife equals happy life.

  19. Great cunting Captain M.

    And Pedantic is right that these things are loved by millenials who think the world revolves around bloody gadgets with screens. If you want to save electricity, switch of an unnecessary light or two. Simple.

  20. Actually the main reason that the energy companies push smart meters is that the UK is the only country in Europe where they are installed by the energy companies who get paid by the government using our money to install the damned things. Everywhere else they are installed by the government.

    Not only that, but it will allow them to introduce half hourly pricing. These two facts alone explain why they lobbied so heavily to get the job.

    Of course the reason we are being pressured to have them in the first place is to hit energy targets imposed by – you guessed it – the EU.

    Bet we won’t be dumping those after Brexit?

  21. The local Electric Authority forced them on us a few years ago, telling us that they would increase efficiency, save money , tell us when the best time is to get electricity for the best value ( 2am of course!)
    Savings to us as consumers? Fuck all !
    In fact the bosses all get huge (and I mean fucking huge) bonuses for being so smart… smarter than the meters .
    Meantimes the cunts were doing shady business with California Utility companies and they got caught manipulating the price .
    Cost to us who had nothing to do with it?
    750 million dollars…. yes that’s millions not thousands.
    Did the tumescent cunts go to jail ? no
    Did they cut back on their salaries and bonuses? no
    Like all of those quasi-private pricks who are supposedly at arms-length from government interference, they passed the cost of the fine ( and the cost of the smart meters) onto the consumers without the lift of an eyebrow from the Government, who had several board members at the trough.
    A few years down the road now and the smart meters haven’t saved us a fucking penny, neither has the introduction of low power led lights or energy efficient appliances.My bill has gone up by over 25% in the last five years and I use less than I did before.
    They trot out the same old story, you need to pay these guys top dollar otherwise they’ll go elsewhere… let the fuckers go , there’s plenty who can and will do the job for less than half price
    The trouble is that you can’t eradicate these cunts, because they just show up in different clothing in every new version that’s touted to be better than the old one.
    I’m working very hard on the make up of my tribunals come the reckoning.
    I guarantee you that my cost saving methods will work….no person, no problem

  22. I meant to add that the Government Board members at the trough are without exception thick as pigshit. No fucking idea what’s going on or what’s being kept secret from them, just happy with the sinecure

  23. This morning received a letter from the cunts at British Gas.

    The headline: Your payments have changed.

    We reviewed your account on 1st August 2018 to check your payments are covering your energy use. You’ve used more gas than expected so your payments have increased from £29.76 per month to £49.03 per month.

    My balance is £30.69 in CREDIT.

    Called up to ask:
    1) Why did a cunt come round to read the meter when I supplied an online reading, and
    2) Why are you looking to increase my payments when you owe me money?

    Answer to 1) they wanted to check that the meter was working properly and safely. I dont believe that and told her so, as the cunt reader was only here about 30 seconds.

    Answer to 2) nothing they can do until the next payment (lower amount) is taken and that I need to call back next week. I suspect when I demand the payments stay the same I will get “the computer says NO”.

    Have said today that as a customer for 25 years hacked off, STOP FUCKING AROUND WITH MY DIRECT DEBIT AMOUNTS, and NO, I do not want a smart meter.


    • I used to work for British Gas – twice in fact as a contractor.

      (1) They are the most expensive gas and electric supplier in the UK.

      (2) There is a legal obligation to send a meter reader around at least once a year. Most companies do it every 6 months.

      (3) If you’ve not switched away from British Gas you’re pissing money up the wall

      • Thanks for the advice Dioclese

        I have considered many times changing my gas provider. This is folliowing poor customer service in recent months/years.

        After this mornings letterwill transfer to another provider ASAP.

        British Gas haemorrhaging lost customers with more than 100,000+ leaving since the start of this year.

      • I worked for them 3 times as a temp in the past, they treat their staff the same way they treat their customers – like a pile of shit. Personally I wouldn’t touch any company with ‘British’ in its title.

    • Suggest you cancel your DD and pay quarterly online instead, it’s fucking easy, I’ve been doing it for years with no cunts hassling me and you only pay for what you’ve used in the previous quarter.

      Or take Dioclese’s advice and switch to another rip-off merchant. But remember:


      (Derek 1976)

  24. All I know re fartmeters is that since we’ve had ours installed, we have had NO fuckin savings whatsobloodyever, the prices just keep going up as they always did, and the landlord suffers from meter-paranoia, ie. he seems to be able to whine about a penny or two extra being used on the juice every feckin day.

    Btw, there was actually a farticle in the meejah a few months back about meter-paranoia; it’s like people being glued to their sodding mobiles all sodding day.
    I’ve got a todger, but I don’t spend all day on the fap.

    Not quite, anyroad.

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