Cuntish Gas Supplier: Hello, I’m phoning to arrange a time when we can fit the new Smart Meter.
Captain M: Wow. Has it been a whole year since you called?
Cuntish Gas Supplier: Well I ‘ave tried 23 times this week.
Captain M: As I tell you every year, I don’t want a Smart Meter.
Cuntish Gas Supplier: I’m just phoning to arrange a time-
Captain M: Why are you so obsessed! I don’t want to be hacked or for it to go on fire after being badly installed.
Cuntish Gas Supplier: That hasn’t happened for days.
Captain M: And will it be more difficult to switch gas/electricity suppliers?
Cuntish Gas Supplier: No, no, no. Not at all, mate. Definitely not. All false. Hearsay and lies.
Captain M: Really?
Cuntish Gas Supplier: Alright it’ll be a nightmare. But it’ll bring an end to them estimated bills!
Captain M: Oh?
Cuntish Gas Supplier: No, not really. Not at all, in fact.
Captain M: Great, speak to you next year.
Cuntish Gas Supplier: There is loads of evidence that Smart Meters will save you money AND energy!
Captain M: (sigh)
Cuntish Gas Supplier: Naa, that’s a lie too. No evidence at all.
Captain M: I’ve even heard they’re difficult to understand. Like listening to an argument between Ian “Lan-daaan” Wright and Roy “King Pikey” Keane?
Cuntish Gas Supplier: They’re not AS difficult as that, but…
Captain M: As I ask you every year, can you give me one genuinely good reason to install a smart meter?
Cuntish Gas Supplier: Yeah! They were first championed by Ed Milliband….
…Hello…? Captain M…?
Nominated by Captain Magnanimous
Smart meters are supposed to mean an end to estimated bills and to enable you to save energy.
First I use what I need to use so how the fuckity fuck does it save me money on my lecky bill? Secondly they run on electricity so it actually costs me more not less.
Finally, I don’t give a flying fuck about estimated bills because I pay by monthly direct debit so unless they are going to charge me in arrears based on actual usage rather than in advance for an agreed amount, I really couldn’t care less if they estimate the bill.
And given that they rack up a huge payment in advance every summer, they’re not going to change their billing system are they? They’re a con and a fucking great big waste of time, but the snowflakes love ’em ‘cos they look cool on your Twatphone.
Nominated by Pedantic Cunt