Pubes

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Why is it that every time I go for a piss these days I lose a pube? Is it age?
I never used to shed them.
It’s a phenomenon that sickens me in the same way that turning around and checking the health of the turd I just logged out doesn’t.

But every single time a coconut, there’s a hair on the bog-roll and it makes me want to barf.
I’m not particularly old I have to say here. As in, no spring chicken but not yet a Cougar.
Why the fuck do I have to deal with random shit changing on me?
One heartening thing is that young people lose pubes too. I know this from cleaning all six bogs in our over-sized house. 14 year old uses one of the bogs and I’m forever finding hairs in this one.
Back story: Francis asked in the fly post “Why six bogs”. Here’s the list for clarification:
Master. En-suite. Huge bathroom with the loo in one corner. his and hers vanities and a tub and shower that would comfortably fit three. I wish.

2 Guests with en-suites. Bogs and showers.

Boys bathroom with large tiled shower as I have a family of mostly large lads and they can piss on the toilet seat in peace or leave the seat up all day and I won’t give a fuck.

One more bathroom opposite my daughters bedroom. Shower over bath and loo. Seat is mostly always down though oldest does like to yellow up the water of a night, but there is never any skids.

My conclusion: Some cunt has a voodoo doll on me and pulls out a pube at random the next time I go for a tinkle I get the joy of finding I’ve lost a hair. Now, I’m no stranger to a Brazilian wax but I might have to make it a regular or get it all off permanently.
At least it’s not fucking gray. (Or Grey for you British types.
So at least there I can count my blessings.
Fucking pubes. I hate ’em; hate my own and I hate wiping my son’s from the various bowls. I’ve got four boys and as far as I can tell at least one’s got pubes so I’ve got a long road ahead of me cleaning pubes from bogs.
I don’t mind skids. And I’m Lynda Carter at plunging blocked loos. There was one time the system backed up and it all came up the boys shower and ran down the hallway and I was fucking Wonder Women at dealing with that river of shit.
But finding a pube is a real stomach turner. Why did we grow them in the first place? Fuckers. They were a novelty in the changing sheds at the age of twelve but they’re fucking ever-present and a curse at this stage of life.

Nominated by CaliAngel

40 thoughts on “Pubes”

  1. Ford were going to bring out a car in the 70’s called the “Pubic” it was to be made out of old “Corsairs”. Thanku.

  3. As a male burdened with a hairy cornhole and forced to endure the barbaric practice of using wads of paper to get clean, I concur. Fuck pubes.

    There was a good story on reddit about a man who removed them and the suffering that caused. You just can’t win.

      • Amazing what technological wonders we have yet we’re still dealing with wads of material like some prehistoric forest ape. Why are the Japs allowed futuristic conveniences and we’re still stuck with skidded up porcelain Armitage Shanks fixtures!

    • If I could have localised chemo on my arsehole, believe me I would. I recall finding a few of them on one occasion, dry clagnuts swinging about like it was Billy Smarts Circus. The ‘Pendulum Technique’ failed to dislodge them, so I reverted to undertaking DIY surgery with scissors. The operation was a success, and I still remember feeling a sense of pride, knowing that a contortionist would have struggled to pull that one off.

  4. Brilliant off-the-wall Cunting CaliAngel!

    From eggshell to old rooster, I have generally considered body hair to be repellent.

    • You wouldn’t have much cared for a ginger lassie who I knew well years ago. She had a massive red bush,rather like a clown’s wig down below. It also enjoyed,as did I, it’s own unique aroma and wiry,coarse texture. It truly was like chasing a fox down it’s Earth when up and personal.
      Happy Days, can’t imagine that I’ll ever see it’s like again…unless I happen to buy an alpaca,I suppose.

      • Ironically I should have exempted women’s pubes from my comment. But they must be aesthetically pleasing and soft to the touch. Once had a one night stand with a bird whose pubes felt like a brillo pad… made my excuses (brewer’s droop) and left her to it.

        But you’re not wrong about your ginger lass Dick – a bush like that would almost certainly have had me running for the hills!

      • “ like chasing a fox down it’s earth”
        FFS Dick I’m covered in coffee now you daft cunt.

  5. Crikey Cali, not good is it?

    Mrs Hunt is closing in on the Big 6–oh and now complains that she hasn’t got many pubes left and nowadays never has to shave underarms or legs.

    Of course 35 years ago she complained that she DID have to undertake these tiresome chores.

    Cheer up, it happens to the best!!

  6. The worse place for pubes is inbetween your teeth, that’s why I prefer shaven havens. If I want to munch vegetation I’ll buy a fucking lettuce.
    Good morning.

  7. Wasn’t it creepy how a bush-free look was favoured by the likes of (dirty old dead cunt) Hugh Hefner and his bunny mag from the early 2000s onwards? Sorry, but to me a woman has to have a bit of grass on the pitch… And promoting (and liking) the smooth look stinks of one thing and one thing only (Goodness gracious! Guyz ‘N’ Gals!)… Mind you, I hear the bunny mag has banned decent sized knockers now and all… It appears to be cowering from the PC mob and the Femstapo, feminity and curves are now verboten, and it is now more of a publication for transbenders and peacefuls these days….

    • I have had a sneaky look at their 2019 calendar and Miss July in a traditional yet stylish black burka is showing two inches of bare ankle.

  10. This is undoubtedly a wimminz ishoo, and as such should be written up at length, with several photographs of hairs, bathroom fittings and pudenda, before being sent to the editor of the Guardian’s G2 supplement for pube-lication.

    It is frankly outrageous that in this day and age men are permitted not to give a fuck about the loss of their lower enfurment, while winmminz are daily shamed by the spectacle of bits of snatchpadding in the shitter (American: bathroom receptacle). This needs to be brought to the attention of the male hierarchy. (You can have a little snigger at male pattern baldness too, if you like)

    Please also consider installing a combined power-wash and bidet.

  12. Wow you can’t beat a proper random cunting, ‘Pubes’ funny as fuck.

    I just need to offer a slight cunting with a tenuous link…..

    The MacMillan Coffee Morning advert I’ve just seen.

    No problem with that at all, close family have suffered this horrific disease but alas MacMillan aren’t about to not conform to the latest trend in the Advertising bubble, have you guessed it yet?

    Strong Black Male comforting white wife who’s wearing a full headscarf denoting who’s the sufferer in this advert, that made me think, I bet she doesn’t have that problem Cali!

    God dammm

  13. Apparently hospitals are inundated with applications from The Gays when they advertise the job of “knob-shaver pre-op”. This is why I always carry a pearl-handled cut-throat razor,shaving foam,hot towel and a badger-hair shaving brush on my person. If involved in a serious accident,the first thing that I’ll do is shave my tackle before some “Tarquin” type can pounce. The thought of lying at death’s-door,defenceless, while some predatory Crafty-Butcher sates his foul desires is intolerable.

    Fuck Off.

  14. Being an Antipodean, Cali must be familiar with the old Kevin Bloody Wilson ‘Pubic Hair’ Song?

  16. I would like to put in a good word for pubic hair. Quite frankly I don’t want to see a minge without it. A shaved fanny looks horrible, as do shaved cocks and bollocks. Trimmed is fine, shaved – no thank you. I keep mine trimmed to a reasonable length and especially target the odd grey ones.

  17. Pubic hair? Dear Lord the stuff is gross.
    On a bloke it looks like some Muslim preacher and on a woman it looks like some bastard has decapitated a cat.
    Vile disgusting stuff.
    Me and missus both go pube free and it’s much more fun. Plus it alleviates the horrifying possibility of organic dental floss in your gob

  18. What a bizarre cunting. Funny though. Anyone know who CaliAngel’s avatar is? I think she’s bloody gorgeous.

    Anyone seen or heard from birdman? Haven’t seen General Cuntster in a little while too. Always enjoyed their posts.

  19. My last post completely disappeared on me. I tried to re-post it thinking somehow it had got swallowed up and got a ‘you’ve already made that comment’ message. How bizarre!

    All I did was compliment the nom, ask about CaliAngel’s avatar picture and asked if anyone has seen or heard from a couple of my favourite posters. Didn’t seem like the sort of thing to be moderated or removed for violating anything.

    Admins…..over to you.

    • Ditto, except that I succeeded in reposting mine: repost also disappeared without trace. It was no more offensive than I usually am, and a lot less offensive than (redacted -K). I suspect this may have something to do with changing IP’s on mobile networks, but if it’s something I’m doing, I’d like to know what to avoid, please.

  20. All this pubic hair discussion reminds me of the guy who goes to the dentist’s early one morning and the dentist says “Sorry to bring this up but did you have a bit of 69 recently?” Sheepishly, the guy says ” Yes, as a matter of fact my wife and I did indulge in some mutual oral sex when we woke up. Why, is there a pubic hair in my teeth?” “No” says the dentist, “There’s shit on your nose”.

  21. Thanks for the laughs, boys. Might keep me going until my first strawberry daiquiri of the day. Caught a mole in a mole trap a day ago. Moles are like pussies but they dig up your lawn.

  22. Great posts fellow Cunters. I’m not a fan of shaven either.

    Those bog/bidet combos are great. Tried one in Paris – a nice warm jet of warm water at the rusty bullet hole without having to leave the comfort of the bog seat!

  23. I’m going to have trouble sitting through the next Agatha Christie without wondering what ‘ercule Poirot has in the way of follicles… Maybe he waxes them before turning in for the night.

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