Indian Call Centre Bots

Feel free to file the following under ‘bigoted British cunt ranting’ – because that’s exactly what I am and exactly what this is.

Yesterday, for what may be the 1,513th time, my VirginMedia broadband service went on the fritz. Being a customer of such a cuntly organisation is bad enough, and even at the best of times, the VirginMedia shit-services makes me want to repeatedly smash sand-filled Coke bottles against the shins of bearded deitycunt Richard Branson; but once you take to calling the helpline, then the real suffering begins and your pissboiling temperature is ramped up by a few fucking hundred degrees.

*Dials the VM customer helpline, goes through the eternal automated fucking security Qs, eventually hears the queue music and starts to chant to himself*

“Please let it be the Welsh call centre.”
“Please let it be the Welsh call centre.”
“Please let it be the Welsh call centre.”

*dial tone kicks in*

“Hello there Mr. Gunt be Strikeeng Back, you are speaking to Billy, how may I be of serwice for helbing you doday?”

Part of me wonders whether the out-sourcing of customer helplines to Indian call centres is actually a calculated move by companies to offset the time and manpower spent in dealing with genuine customer complaints and issues, knowing that a fair percentage of punters will give up after 30mins arguing with a scripted bot with zero nous or common sense. The agents at these tenth circles of hell employ infuriating tactics such as putting you on hold for fucking ages with no holding update or apology; repeating back every fucking sentence which you have uttered on the call and trying to convince you that you are speaking to the only indigenous ‘Billy’ in the whole of India.

Let’s be clear – I don’t really fucking care about the ethnicity of the staff. I used to be a customer of BE Broadband and their call centre was somewhere in Eastern Europe – those Balkan fuckers though at least compensated for the difficulty in speaking the language by being a pro-active and helpful bunch.

Needless to say, the Broadband service was fine this morning and has been all day, despite our man in Bangalore Billy Kartakashar arguing the toss that I needed to wait hand-on foot all day sometime this decade for one of their glorified repairmen to come and fuck about with my router. These call centre operatives may not actually be bad people, but they certainly are cunts.

Any thing else I can be cunting for you today, sir?

Nominated by The Empire Cunts Back

32 thoughts on “Indian Call Centre Bots

  1. Cunts like BT use the now famous Delhi Dungeon and the Mumbai Mawlers to staff their customer care. Each bot of course, is a Graduate, speaks fluent English with a slight Home Counties accent and is au-fait with the latest episode of whatever shite soap is on your telly. ( If you wish to make a purchase of some gear though, you will be directed to the UK call centre.)

    Very polite people, but Jeez, I struggle with their “Home Counties” accent. Whoever told them that is how we speak wants fucking shot!

    • Remember a few years back when some Bulgarian cunts sued some Indian language schools based in Bulgaria? Apparently the Injuns taught the Bulgars to speak the Queens English with a full on “Goodness Gracious me” Paki accent and the poor Bulgar immigrants claimed it made em a laughing stock once theyd managed to sneak into Blighty. Nearly pissed myself when I first heard it.

  2. I wonder if it’s true that if you tell them you wish to be put straight through to the “retention” team, you’ll be on to an English team immediately?

    • Good morning Mr. Cunt Engine. That is my experience. I received maximum customer satisfaction from telling the well spoken, clear as a bell English chap to have all my cunty Virgin services disconnected. I still have a residual warm glow. Recommended.

      • Actually received some advertising blurb /offer from them yesterday, telling me that excitement was building as the new footy season looms and I could have it all for some ludicrous monthly amount. Fuck off.

  3. One of the things that really annoy me with VM and their call-centre drones, is that when you ring up with a broadband problem you have to go through 1st line support and their standard set of questions, like “have you switched it off and on again?”

    And it doesn’t matter a goat’s bollock if you’re fairly up on your IT and don’t need to hear all that shit , even if you actually tell them! It’s is if they MUST ask those questions otherwise they don’t pass “go” and won’t collect their 200 quid!

    And even when you’ve gone through all those questions and you still have a problem they put you onto 2nd or 3rd line support, only to be asked slightly more detailed questions, but nothing you wouldn’t have already done if you had some IT gumption anyway!

    Their tick-box mentality just grinds me down to the ground, and wastes so much of my time on utter bollox.

    And what is really annoying is that when you’ve gone through these different levels of support and there’s still no resolution they book an engineer out anyway! So that when he (finally) turns up at your doorstep, you have to explain the same shit all over again, along with trying to keep a straight face when he says “have you tried switching it off and on again?”


  4. At least these staff turn up on time, don’t call in sick, turn up with a hangover, get working tax credits, etc…..

    • Unfortunately Krav… they do far worse. Every single one of those offices has striclty women only sections, permanent security guards outside and inside the ladies toilets, POSH committees, and more often than not the women are chaperoned all the way home… all to prevent a spot of ‘surprise sex’ by the aforementioned ‘Bangalore Billy’.
      What’s worse is most of them are quite, quite thick. The thing you need to realise about India is that anyone with a brain leaves immediately. All the smart ones are already here, or Canada, Australia, South Africa… The staff left over there are the ones that couldn’t even master English, likely bought their exam credentials and have at least once in the past week – gone to the river for a shit.

  5. If you do have to ring one of these companies you have 2 choices:
    1) tell them you’re leaving and watch them fawn over you.
    2) forget about your trivial problem, and rev up your rage for a totally pointless fight which will make you feel better.
    Option 2 obviously has the highest comedy value. Tell them you don’t know how to switch it off and back on again. Tell them you can see out if your windows so where’s the problem? Tell them you want to speak to someone who speaks english. Pretend to be deaf. Options abound..

  6. I’m beginning to think that The Hunchback is on the phone to these call centres all day long.

    “Hello, i’m trying to sell a country full of foreigners, traitors and nancies and all I get are cunts who want me to pay them to take it away.”

    Thank you caller, i’m passing you to our headquarters in Islamabad. Please hold the line.

  7. All this derives from the ever increasing reliance on the fucking Internet and the nirvana of “better connectivity “ which if you think about it has been the cause of untold misery. How the fuck did our forefathers ever get by and create empires and win wars without it?!! Are we really better off with Twatter and Fuckbook; every day brings more job losses on the high street at the hands of Amazon. Smartmeters!! I accept Id miss the odd rant on ISAC if the internet disappeared but seeing as the internet is the root cause of it anyway then it would be redundant!

    • Add to that the compulsion of management to complicate the jobs of their underlings in order to fit in with the requirements of their automated finance system – which does what management used to do, hence leaving it free to send everyone in the organisation multiple emails about matters which don’t matter.

      With you 100% on this one, Isaac. IT’s completely out of hand, and some hacking is overdue to ensure that digital administrative systems talk only to each other and bore or frustrate themselves into crashing permanently.

  8. Another related point. Mother in Laws Flatscreen TV won’t pick up a decent signal via the aerial anymore because the cunts in Wankminster have either been quietly selling off all the Frequencies or reception has been weakened/ squeezed out by all these extra channels nobody ever watches.
    Apparently even satellite dishes are built in redundant now because 95% of the TVs in Curry’s/PC World are…. SmartTVs!! Which means we’re all gonna one day have to connect to the fucking Internet and probably pay through the nose for the Supershit Fast option to boot.

  9. Such is the utter cuntish incompetence of sky and virgin I actually had to deal with my dads account when he was alive as he had a heart bypass and simply couldn’t deal with fucking bullshit…..
    off point….
    There’s a new poll in the not so independent, commissioned by the people’s vote campaign? And done by ISAC,s favourite pollsters you gov? According to them people in the south west opinions to brexit have shifted?
    And more now want a people’s vote? Amazing!! I’m shocked…
    Rigging a poll is so easy to do
    First commission Cunts like you gov..
    Then give a broad sample area let’s say East Sussex instead of the south west …
    select the towns/ cities etc with highest remain votes like Brighton and Hove ignore Hastings etc and off you (gov ) go…. utter Cunts!!!

    • I am wondering if YouGov’s small sample sizes and the concept of weighting the results (=massaging the data)* don’t result in outcomes like this –

      *“Results are weighted to be representative of the GB population.”

      Which may mean as regards age, sex, ethnicity…anything. As determined by…surveys. If your survey population of 4000 has 1 Polish resident, you have to take his inane opinion as that of the million or so Poles in GB as a whole. And adjust your percentage figure to match the million.

  10. Great point freddie, and all the other points after it.
    I think teresa is on the phone, but not just to virgin. She’s on the phone to all the superfluous bullshitters and it goes like this:
    “keep those thick, filthy serf cunts busy at all costs, and I’ll keep giving you tax breaks.”

        • She is also a walking talking reason why these bin bags might sometimes be of use. I wonder who gets to wear it and walk at the back out her and her Mrs? Depends who’s got the strap on that week i suppose.

      • Either would be appropriate for a Delhi callcentre. However Urdu is more closely associated with India’s Muslim population, and I intentionally picked the more widely spoken one, which seemed, incidentally, less likely to arouse Islamophobes. I stand corrected on that.

        But thank you for your input.

        • The wife’s parents speak Bengali… and a smattering of English. Mind you, they’ve only been here 55 years.


          • I always enjoy listening to subcontinentals taliking:
            “(incomprehensible) (incomprehensible) (incomprehensible) (incomprehensible, hai) goodbye old chap”

            Same for Scots Gaelic, incidentally. They just don’t have all the words they need. God bless the Raj!

          • Something seems to have gone wrong with italics there…try without…

            “(incomprehensible) trousers (incomprehensible) mainspring (incomprehensible) custard (incomprehensible, hai) goodbye old chap”


  11. I remember many years ago my wife had a problem with AOL and the broadband on her laptop. She kindly asked me if I would call them on her behalf.

    Put through to an Indian call centre.

    Did not get off to the best start as I could hardly understand what he was saying. Suspect he could not understand what I was saying either.

    To worsen matters, I was not particularly IT literate, and my knowledge of technical jargon and my wife’s laptop was minimal.

    To complicate matters my wife’s keyboard and operating system was in Japanese.

    So there was a short tempered Indian guy not really interested i our problem talking to an ignorant cunt (that would be me) who could not understand what he was saying nor the instructions being given by him, or by my Japanese wife who was translating her PC keys and operating instructions from Japanese to English, and more computer illiterate than me (if that’s possible).

    After 45 minutes we had got precisely nowehere other than I developed a headache and had paid for a 45 minute call.

    From memory tried again and got through to a different Indian guy who gave us different information to the first guy. But problem still not resolved. Don’t know how we ever managed to sort it.

    To be honest my optimism before making the call and expecting to get a satisfactory outcome was low to start with however did not realise quite how painful and unrewarding the experience was going to be.

    My idea of hell.

    • I once spent an hour in the queue only to be told by a recorded message that they had actually closed about 2 minutes after I had got through.

  12. Indian call centers are always a bloody headache , fucking hell I rather listen to a automated bot then talk to these durka durka types but these call centers only exist because its cheap pay for the cheapskate companies outsourcing these cunts

  13. “Please let it be the Welsh call centre.”…….not me, I can’t stand that sing-song Welsh accent. I went there once. Dreadful place. I have little doubt that downtown Bangalore is infinitely more welcoming than North Wales and it’s shitty pubs full of unintelligible horrors therein.
    One fucking day was more than enough for me. The pub was bad enough on a Saturday,but when I deciphered enough of the asthmatic wheezes from the Landlord/lady(?) to realise that they didn’t even open on a Sunday,that was it.

    Fuck them.

  14. hahaha I love when these cunts callI
    Makes my day ripping the piss out of them silly cunts

Comments are closed.