Family Tree Seekers


I want to Cunt Family Tree seekers.

There I was, sat in the kitchen perusing the Death column in my local paper when my pleasure was rudely interrupted by a hammering on the door.  It was so loud and inistent that I assumed that either the Excise man had made good on his threats following the recent unpleasantness, or ISAC had published my name and address and I was under siege from the very occasional person who may have misconstrued one of my posts. 

However when the dogs and I flung the door open, ready to go down in the style of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, I was faced with an old gent wielding a walking-stick which he must have used to bray at the door.  I could see that the dogs had the beating of the pensioner if he cut up rough, so I demanded to know what the Fuck he wanted.  Obviously not in the least intimidated by 2 snarling dogs and one  snarling cunt, he set to explaining to me that he was researching his family tree and believed he was some kind of distant relative of mine.

I was taken aback by this unwelcome revelation, and before I could gather my wits he asked if he could see the old family bible and any other documents or photos I might have.  Fortunatey, by that point I’d composed myself sufficiently to demand of the coffin-dodging grave-peeker if he thought that I was some kind of Public Records Office.  I was in the middle of telling him I’d never heard of his family surname in connection with mine (I had) and that I had better things to do than stand on my doorstep bandying gossip with a complete stranger, when he said he had documents and old maps in the car which he’d like to show me. 

I let him wobble back down across the stackyard to his car, gather up his papers, and teeter right back to my door.  Just as he reached out to show me some bit of paper I shut the door on him.  These Family Tree searchers are mostly busybodies hoping that they’ll stumble on some misplaced inheritance, although by the look of the old goat that I chased, I was a sight more likely to collect from his will than he was from mine. 

I have no interest in my close family, never mind some grasping old fart who probably hadn’t bought one off those life-assurances policies and was hoping that I’d spare him the shame of a Beggar’s Funeral by contributing to the expense.  He was wrong.

Fuck them.

Nominated by: Dick Fiddler

68 thoughts on “Family Tree Seekers

  1. My auntie is into this shit, I remember about 20 years ago I went on holiday with her, my uncle and cousins to Lincolnshire. He spent all day in the pub while she took my cousins and me around graveyards to find a headstone with a certain name on it(which we eventually found, great great great great grandad Cunty Pants apparently).

    Yep while all my school friends were on dead good holidays in places like Lanzarote and Majorca, I’m wandering around graveyards in Lincolnshire in the pissing rain.

  2. Have to disagree i’m afraid. If you write off your ancestry you destroy your history, your community, your culture, the sense of where you come from and your very identity. That’s exactly what the globalists want……an anonymous mass of obedient consumers, all competing against each other to grab the crumbs that spill off the rich man’s table.
    Ask any millennial. If it happened more than 2 weeks ago who cares? If it wasn’t on the telly it never happened in the first place.
    Ignore the past at your peril !

    • You do have a valid point. What was it that Thatcher said.. “a society of individuals” eh? Well that was the start of it I suppose. Let’s take your average Mo as an example. His brothers a builder, second cousin twice removed a plumber, his aunt is actually his sister, his first cousin is his wife. Two of his children are technically his uncles, his dad is a ‘bus driver’, 2 of his extended family work at the council and his sister is a ‘yuman rights lawyer innit’. The result is that the cunt works cash in hand, gets full benefits, pays no tax, gets given the best free house, never has to pay a tradesman and has the full backing of the law as a minority.

      Your right, ditching the whole family and friends aspect is where Whitey has largely and catastrophically fucked up…. oh well… at least I got you guys.

    • I agree Freddie although I find it bit weird that someone would knock on a strangers door like that. I’m proud of my family’s history and heritage. My grandfather managed to trace ours back fucking hundreds of years (around 1490 I believe) which is kind of cool. I do however agree with the fact that people who ram it down others throats, who probably don’t give a flying fuck, now they ARE cunts. Good evening all.

    • Agree with what you say Freddie.

      I know where I came from and my heritage all the way back to the Domesday Book.

      More recently my Dad’s side is basically Northeast coal miners for the last 150yrs (imaginative lot, eh).

      Mam’s side is a mixture of Greek, South African and Jock (chronologically in that order).

      The family coat of arms is on the ceiling of the courtyard awning in Durham Cathedral.

      So I haven’t forgotten my heritage nor the family members of my family who fought in the Crimean, Boer, WW1 and WW2 wars.

      Thing is I miraculously did all of this by myself when I was 18, when there was no such thing as an Internet let alone some fleecing heraldic site parting rich Americans from their hard-earned and sad cunts like “Mr Rap at the Door” here looking for a connection to any other cunt who may share the same human gene pool! “Ah yeaaahhhhssss! You’re a human, we must be related!”

      I understand what Dick says, I didn’t read his nomination as a slight on our personal ancestry, more a slight on interfering busy-body types who you know spent their whole working life with a clipboard bean counting (or as an actuary or some similar clockwatching officious shite).

      Nah, as Dick would say, fuck ’em!

      P.S. Rumour has it one of my lot fucked off to the Crusades. No doubt a surf or a pike staff carrier. I hope those genes are still there cos I reckon we’re going to need them sooner rather than later the way things are going. And we won’t have to travel to Jerusalem in order to tackle the “peaceful” hordes, they’re already here! Isn’t “cultural enrichment” such a gift? Just like how Canada is feeling after the non-“peaceful” killings by misunderstood, unstable, nothing to do with the “Religion of Peace” (even though he was an ISIS sympathiser) Faisal Hussain. Dunno about you but that name must have ancient Vancouver or Ottawa roots, surely…?

      https://youtu.be/LT10dMaeGJU

  3. You fucked up bigly there Dick, what if the old coffin dodger was minted and looking for a relative to inherit his estate? You should at least have brought him in for a cuppa. Then if it didn’t turn out that way your missus could entertain him while you and the dogs went for a few beers. I wasn’t implying anything of a sexual nature there obviously. It’s just that she has a bit of a reputation, which is totally undeserved. I once left my wife with a couple of God botherers while I attended the pub, and as far as I know there was no hanky panky.

    • Mrs Fiddler was actually into a bit of light bondage….she used to blindfold me, tie me to the bed and then fuck off with another man. She’d have sniffed out if the old beggar had any money long before he opened his doddery old gob.

      • Once upon a time years ago, the wife , with a cheeky glint in her eye said that she wanted me to tie her to the bed and torment her all night, being a dutiful husband I tied her securely to the bed and then went out on the lash. She never asked again.

  4. I was reading something recently….”The Dumbest Things Ever Said on Facebook “, or something like that.
    The one that stuck in my mind was:

    “How can the Olympics be 3000 years old ? We’ve only had 2012 years.”

    That , my friends, is one thick as shit fucking millenial. Then you wonder why they watch Slag Island and cry their eyes out for dead cunts they have never met. The thicker they are the easier it is to fuck their little brains up.

    • Fred.
      I’m guessing s/he had a First Class Hons degree from Isle of Wight University…..or Oxbridge!?

  5. Nothing wrong with wanting to find out more about your family history. Something I wouldn’t mind doing myself one day if only because it would be interesting to find out what stock I’m from so to speak. For example, on my mum’s side there’s a lot of Irish heritage (her maiden name is Murphy) that I would like to explore.

    • Get on the My Heritage DNA test. Interesting results. It can link you to others via DNA as well.

  6. Rarely answer the door these days nor answer the phone.

    Usually a cunt wanting something.

  7. Amen DF…
    My dear mother was my old mans second shake at normality and apparently the “consequence” of the first attempt at him tolerating a wife looked me up one of those “sites” (or whatever), and unilaterally decided that I would be overjoyed at the prospect of yet another christmas card to forget to send. I promptly enlightened her that I only see my actual sister once a year, my actual brother even less so if she wanted to book a slot sometime in the next 4 years or so I’d consider attending. “Do you not get along with them?” was a question that was immediately fired back to which my reply was “Yes, we get along fantastically (And I truly mean that), if you’d like to know so secret to this magical sibling relationship, refer back to the first email”…

    • My own family and I have no direct contact,and that suits me just fine. I don’t like the family and relatives that I’m aware of,never mind a bunch of distantly related Cunts.
      I’m like you….I’d have no particular interest in meeting some stranger who just announced that they were family and expected to be welcomed.

      Fuck them

      • By the fuck you are on form tonight Dick – even more cuntish than your usual self – you haven’t just read about a boatload of gimmegrants going down in the Med or some such delightful bit of heart warming news?
        I moved from the City of my birth several times only to return – until this last decade and I wont set foot back in it again – for many reasons.
        Spot on about family too Dick. They want to get all matey at Christenings, marriages (particularly weddings when ale and free grub is on offer) and of course funerals when thy get all teary eyed and vow “we must do more to keep in touch”. Fuck that. My uppity Commissioned Oxbridge educated cuntish siblings like nothing more than Lording it over me as a left school at 15 below decks stoker.
        I was in the mob on a trip down to the Armilla patrol which meant sailing twixt Iran and Iraq guarding tankers loading at Kargh Island in the straits of Hormuz to keep the raggy headed ones apart and ensuring the oil flowed freely. On a run ashore back in Mombasa I happened on an old oppo who had met my “Brother” on another HM ship – his first drive as it happened – an old inshore “Ton” class minesweeper doing fishery protection round coastal waters. My mate “the General” (his name being Booth) enquired as to my health of my “Brother”. The uppity Judas Iscariot cunt told him he didn’t have a brother in the mob and he must have mistaken him for someone else. A sad tale Dick – hence his Judas denial of me as I wasn’t of Officer class has gnawed at me ever since I heard that dit. I left the mob and spent 5 years in the Foreign Legion and in times of absofuckinglute depression and sheer exhaustion in the first year or so that incident kept me hateful enough to suffer the slings and arrows of any good kicking I received from the NCO’s or Section Chef’s.
        I am saving that little nugget for a date and time yet to be decided but one thing for sure – it wont be quiet and it wont be just angry words flung around.
        Apologies (again) for the long dit but in agreeing with you 100% and in the words of good old Dick Fiddler
        Fuck them
        Fuck them hard
        Fuck them often.
        Outside my brood and ye merry band of cunters, I yearn for friendship not a fucking jot – family even fucking less.

      • Thing is, for all the colour in my Mam’s side of the family they are, to a one (even the rogues), fucking good people!

        My Dad’s side, all living within the same postcode for the last 100yrs, cunts to a one with the exception of my Nan and Grandad. When they died my Dad disowned the lot of them, which was handy cos we then lived 250 miles away from the cunts!

        I now live back in the region. Woe betide any of the fuckers from his side coming “Knock, knock, knocking” on my door or “ringin’ my bell!” like the postcode lottery cunts!

        I’d rather have a canvassing call from Nick Clegg or the Jehovahs!

        • Fisheries protection, eh? Cunts to a cunt. Some cunts join the miltary police to enhance their cuntitude, but real seagoing cunts join fisheries protection as any coastal fisherman will tell you. Sad story. And I note my sole surviving close relative has much the same take on its inferior relation as your brother. (Actually, it’s reciprocated with interest, the establishment toffeenosed suited cunt taking a cut from the charidee sector.)

  8. People who research their family tree can become quite obsessive, they often think other people should share their fervour as well. Knew a chap years ago who got into this, he turned up on someone’s doorstep one day to inform them of the happy news that he was a long lost relative, they were quite well to do, assumed he was a gold digger and told him to fuck off. He was outraged ,I think he expected to be invited in for tea and scones, silly cunt

    • That wouldn’t have been Dick Fiddler’s doorstep perchance?

      Evening Jack.

      • Good evening Ruff Tuff. It was somewhere in Cheshire, not Dick’s patch AFAIK.

  9. Cunts at the door and cunts on the phone. Usually salesmen and usually bloody hadjis. Fun to play games with and wind up however.

  10. I don’t want to push my luck with this. My mother was Irish, the old man from the Welsh/Gloucester borders. I may be related to Fred West and Gerry Adams.
    Best not to know.

    • Indeed not, Cuntstable!
      My grandparents and father were pure-bred Krauts.
      And my dog is a Schnauzer.
      And I’ve got a classic Beemer…er shit, my cover’s blown…
      Sieg heil…lang lebe Deutschland!
      Tod für das englisch abschaum!

    • I’m 11 / 16ths English, 4 / 16ths Scot and 1 / 16ths Kraut.

      So long as I am in no way related to that uppity cunt Vaughan Gething (another blind fool wandering in the “comprehension-wilderness” of Remoania), I’m happy.

  11. This reminds me of the programme ‘Who do You Think You Are?’. Giants of celebrity including David Dickinson, Carol Vorderman and Ainsley Harriott , no Benedict Cumbercunt strangely enough, maybe having 18th century slave owning ancestors gets you barred from Hampstead.

    • I make you fucking right. All these posh rich cunts have the slave trade in their ancestry which they need to cover up. Even when they made it illegal their friends in Parliament doled out shedloads in compo to the cunts. Much easier to blame it on the whiteman in general and then pontificate from on high. The biggest slaveowners of all….. the Church of fucking England. The same cunts who lecture us about race relations and the wonders of the fucking EU. Fucking bastard stinking bible bashing hypocrites every single one of them!

  12. There are people who are fascinated by their family tree and if they trace it back far enough they’ll find monkeys at the other end. Like some who’ve commented already, I’ve no interest in my immediate family who are living, never mind the cunts who’ve been dead for centuries. If I found I had an ancestor called Norbert who was a baker in 1066, how would that affect me? And if instead he was called Godfrey and was a blacksmith, what difference would that make? And the answer is? You got it in one.

    • Lammy wouldn’t have to go back far to find monkeys.

      Some of my greatest ancestors were amoebas.

      • I wouldn’t bet against the Flabbapotamus’s father being Mighty Joe Young.

  13. I don’t mind the odd ancestry-chaser though I take umbrage at these dullards who discover that their grandmother’s father was French or Oirish and ‘therefore’ they’re a Frog or an Pikey. What? You’re so hateful of being 98% British that you’d grasp at the glimmer of being something different?

    Similarly, any Yank/Australian who bleats, “I’m Italian” or “I’m Irish” simply because their great-great-great-great grandfather once had a neighbour who was married to someone who had a sister who’d flown over that particular country is a dull, deluded cunt and probably German.

    Psh. Fuckwits.

    • I would love it if a cunt like the Flabbott or Shami Chuck-yer-bhaji was found to have some white ancestry since they devote a lot of time telling us to be ashamed of ours.

      • Be careful what you wish for. Afua Hirsch had a white parent. And Monroe Bergdorf… The self loathing involved would probably make Shami & Chuckup even worse!

      • No, that white blood would have come from rape by the Massa or the Bhwana Sahib. History tells us that the white man is the root of all evil.
        Well, it does now anyway. I’ve seen it on the telly!

        • A few years ago I was teasing this Rasta who was banging on about Bob Marley. I said, “You know Marley’s dad was white, don’t you?” He didn’t. I then informed him that he’d been a sailor and was from Liverpool. So basically, I told him, Bob Marley was a Scouser.
          “Norr, norr, nat true dat. He a black man.”
          “Well, half-black” I proffered.
          Bereft of humour he started bleating about how “da white man raped Bab Marley’s mudder, da white man is a rae-pist, etc.”
          Zzzz…

  14. I’d like to know mine, only because my surname is some continental import that has been spelled wrong probably thrice over, and the mad historical fucktrain story would probably entertain me for an evening. But I wouldn’t care to meet any distant relatives though.. what’s the point? Beyond immediate relatives everyone is essentially a stranger.

    We are strangers to ourselves even.

  15. I was gutted when i found out my surname is very popular up north, all the years of ripping the piss out of my squaddie mates who were nearly all northern chaps came back to bite me hard on the arse when they found out, squaddie twats.

    • If im being honest my name on here should be civvy twat as thats what the trog pratts called me when they were being nice.

  16. There’s a family of extremely thick and violent criminals who share my name. Genealogists who also share it appear to be utterly uninterested in researching those. Can’t think why. They’re much more interesting subjects, but there you go.

  17. UK halts co-operation with US over Islamic state suspects

    One of the cunts mothers has launched a legal challenge to prevent information sharing.

    How fucking depressing. The mother should be ashamed of her sons behaviour, but apparently not.

    • The said mother is as bad as the camelfucking terrorist scum she spawned, and she should also be thrown to the wolves like her sandfilth son…

    • WTF?!

      First of all, these cunts are in Syria. Their passports have been withdrawn and they’ve been stripped of their British citizenship. So what the fuck have they got to do with us?

      If the Syrians want to torture or kill the cunts, good luck to them. If they want to hand them over to the Americans, why should we give a shit?

      Fuck them and that cunt mother.

      • Agreed Ruff Tuff.

        Cannot see on what grounds the information sharing can be stopped by the mother considering that the two cunts in question have fuck all to do with the UK now.

        Cannot cope with all of the fucking shit and nonsense going on in the UK at present.

        Nothing makes sense any more and those responsible for sorting things out are just inept cunts not up to the job.

        • This country is a fucking laughing stock Willie. If by some miracle we eventually manage to free ourselves from the EU yoke, it’ll take at least another 30 years (if ever) before we’re able to sort the shit going on here and elect a government worthy of the name, by which time China will be running the world and calling all the shots anyway, so what the hell.

          • Barnier has told us to fuck off again today regarding the ridiculous white paper so a no deal looking increasingly likely. Fingers crossed.

          • I see the Indescribablybad has launched a petition for a second referendum, backed by you-know-who. Fuck’s sake.

            Aside, I’ve been looking at you-know-who’s new business setup, and you know what? He didn’t close the Windrush half of Tony Blair Associates after all, just trimmed a couple of superfluous companies. It’s still concealing cashflow for him!

            Any accountants, please copy.

        • PS – just in case any friendly accountants ARE looking, ask yourself ” What is the entity or chain of entities now acting as the general partner for Windrush Ventures No. 3, LP ?”*and “To what extent might inserting a company limited by guarantee here offer tax-limiting advantages to the organisation as a whole?”
          (The Tony Blair Institute for Global Change is limited by guarantee).
          Inquiring minds would like to know. Thanks.

          *No, it is no longer Windrush Ventures No. 2, LLP. Wound-up.

    • When they are freed and are returned back to blighty, how much compo do you reckon they’ll get?

      Must be a handsome sum if a scumbag UK legal twat has taken up the case – no doubt pro-bono.

      Those cunts would charge you to inhale their farts if you were stuck in a lift with them, so there must be a healthy taste of compo blood in the water.

      Think I’m joking, let’s see in 12 months time after Lilycunt and Linekunt shove their oar in and apologise on our behalf.

      These cunts are banged to rights, in the country where the committed the crimes, held by the anti “ISIS” peacefuls who caught them.

      So when in Rome eh?

      Save a few million squid on a pointless exercise wouldn’t it!

    • When I read of the possibility of some British benefit bred peaceful getting the needle because they have been vicious traitorous cunts. I did rejoice muchly. Then I remembered the Human Rights Act and reality hit hard. Sometime in the next few years they will have nice new housing association dwellings, full benefits, help to re integrate and a huge wedge of compo because their feelings were hurt. Even if someone in the civil service/judiciary/government grows a big enough pair to say bollocks these cunts are kaput by the time the “legal” arguments are played out and chuckyerbutty and friends have had their say the pair of murdering cunts will qualify for a fucking pension. Should have been shot on capture, rot the pair of fuckers.

  18. My neighbour Mohammed left for Syria hoping to join one of these groups of young Jihadists.
    Unfortunately, aged 44, he was considered too old, but yet too young, to be a commander, so had to settle for midlife Isis….

  19. Well known socialist, working class hero, anti-racist and Corbyn arse-licker Billy cuntface Bragg has declared that the Jews have “much work to do” to “rebuild trust with the Labour Party.”
    Which Labour Party would that be Billy boy? Would that be your pretend Troskyist Labour Party or the Blairite Labour Party who hate your fucking guts?
    Either way if I were a Jew I would tell you to fuck off. As a non-Jew you can fuck off anyway you fucking champagne socialist class traitor.

    • 300k Jews in the UK compared with 3 million (known) Muzquitoes. I’d call that sagacious, pragmatic vote-winning by the Labour Party.

      “I am the milkman, of human kindness, I will leave an extra pint.” – Billy Bragg.

      Right-e-o, Bill. Unless you’re Jewish.

    • Billy Bragg the socialist working class top grade cunt. So up for the socialist principle he fucks off to live in a village in Dorset. Bard of Barking my arse the geezer is a cunt full stop. Why oh why do these cunts stagger on what’s wrong with a massive overdose of self righteous crap that fries their hubris addled brains.

  20. Sorry to have to admit that I used to teach genealogy. The first thing I have to tell you it’s that we are all related.
    Think about it. Your tree gets bigger as you go back in time. At the same time the population gets smaller.
    Also practically all of us Brits are descended from William the Conqueror, or more previously Edward Longshanks aka the Royal Stallion.

    I’ve traced my tree back to Norway in the 9th century. You can bore yourself to death with it here.
    https://cranefamilyhistory.wordpress.com

    We did actually knock on a door once at a farmhouse in Herefordshire that used to belong to my wife’s family. And we were asked in for a cup of tea in the front room. It was rather spooky.

    • Tell that to the Yanks, Chas. They’ve got no history of their own, so they’re pathetically dependent on those of their immigrant ancestors…as my father once said when being pestered by an obsessive from New Mexico.

      Me, I’m estranged from my only living close relative and we’re both happy with that, I think. Anyone further afield can whistle.

      • Once met a Yank who insisted that because her name was Parr she was descended from Henry Viii despite the fact that Catherine and Henry had no children.

  21. Oh fuck, I had some ancestor who carved a pulpit in a N Norfolk church in the 1700s.
    I might be related to you-know-who (troll)…

  22. Whatever, fuck that snowflake ‘identity’ shit, I agree fully with this cunting. In this age, you can look up someone’s email (even if private, they’re available if you pay the right person) or go old school and use the phone OR – check this shit out – write a letter like we did in the olden days. Accosting someone at their front door, at least in the US, can get you mauled by dogs (I happen to have 3), shot, or worse. Fuck them, indeed!

  23. Never liked them Family Tree Seekers… That ‘You Won’t Find Another Fool Like Me’ was absolute shite…

  24. My great grandfather was by trade a barber, and a reserve hangman.
    Not all hairdressers are mincers you know, (shame about the reserve bit but at least he was a good guy)

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