KFC national disaster

Our intrepid reporter Hugh Chattering Islington Cunt hit the road to investigate the national crisis at KFC.

The shortage of the nation’s favourite finger lickin’ has left vast swathes of Britain in despair.

In the township of Tottenham the natives are restless. Large queues have formed at rival outlets. Dallas and Texas Fried chicken have recorded record sales of their finest halal poultry.

In south London, in Peckam and Brixton, the youth are wandering the streets aimlessly searching for their food of choice. SomeΒ  children are being treated for starvation at branches of McDonald’s and Burger King. Even there, supplies of chicken nuggets are in short supply and may have to be injected intravenously to those in most critical need.

Fried chicken addicts have been swamping A & E departments, suffering from withdrawal symptoms. The NHS has cancelled all non-urgent hospital appointments.

The Disaster Emergencies Commitee have launched an appeal, spearheaded by Oxfam and Save the Children. Four Hercules transport planes have been dispatched to Atlanta, Georgia where they will be loaded with fresh supplies of the Colonel’s finest from the south eastern US.

Waitrose reports sales of organic, free range chicken, have skyrocketed as the middle classes dust down their Jamie Oliver cookbooks to prepare home made nuggets for their youngsters.

Reaction from politicians has been swift.

David Lammy blasted the government for not doing enough for his Tottenham constituents. In nearbyΒ  Harringay, Dining About told me “This is a disgrace. Black people are suffering and the government stands by and does nothing”

Jeremy Corbyn has blamed the private sector for cost cutting. ” A Labour government would consider nationalisation as an option” he opined.

Police forces up and down the land are monitoring the situation. Cressida Dick of the Metropolitan Police reassured the public ” We will maintain law and order, riot police are on standby and all police leave has been cancelled”

Mavis May will be chairing a COBRA meeting at 11am today.

We will bring you updates as this developing crisis unfolds.

By Hugh Chattering Islington-Cunt.

64 thoughts on “KFC national disaster

  1. Is there anywhere we can congregate for the vigil? I have lots of candles ready to be lit in order to signal my virtue.

    Perhaps fellow Cunters should wear black today, in solidarity. #Me too.

    I’m ready to dig deep to give Sir Bob, or Bonio all my money, so that for just Β£3 young Ni’mtbee can eat chickunn again this evening, or perhaps even better the saintly one could release a charadeeee single to raise some money, ‘feed the dinduns….let them know it’s chiguuun time’

    Looking forward to seeing Lilly and Gary on the corner of the Tottenham High Road later today working to help all of the brothers in need, perhaps instead of a soup kitchen they can set up a chiguuun stall.

    All I’m waiting for now is the COBRA meeting to finish and the PM announce its all the fault of BREXIT, therefore in order to guarantee suppliers of the Colonels favourite in the future there will be no EU withdrawal.

  2. You can mock this catastrophe, but…

    …yes, you really CAN mock, Hugh. Ace cunting!

    (KFC has no chiggun? Whatever next? Aircraft carrier has no planes? NHS has no beds? May has no clue?)

  3. Eat quorn you cunts, im sure the soy chicky looking rubbery shit can be dusted or painted to resemble a nugget and who would be able to tell the difference [ yeah right ho ] or even become a fucking vegan, now is a good time to start with chicken in short supply, imagine how healthy you will become [yeah right ho ], before long you wont need teeth for anything…….you will be able to have a KFC shake with a wide straw if your a vegan you wont have the lung power to suck it up anyway so it wont apply to you, but great for council estate kids……

  4. I always laugh at the thought of KFC representing real “Southern Fried “.

    KFC = SFC my hairy arsehole! Try Maisies, New Mexico!

    • You are quite correct Simple! As an Americunt vacationing in the deep south I can assure you it is NOT real southern fried!

      πŸ”

      • Right mate! It is always deep fried in front of you, and DRAINED, comes to you crisp and dry, spicey with a distinct flavour that chemicals cannot duplicate. Deeeeelicious!

    • Dianne Abbott could be their new spokeswoman for KFC JR. Move on over Reba McEntire!

      Mammy Abbott is in the Colonels kitchen cooking fried chicken in bacon grease its just down the road,down the road .. down the road apiece…

      • I initially thought Flabbot had something to do with the actual shortage.

        I considered she might have a second job with the company as the buyer at the UK division.

        Right, just got order the chicken in for the 700 shops…

        “Uh hello, its Flabott here at UK distribution with our order, we need 2800 kilos of chicken for next week…Bye”

        Next week…

        “Jeremiah, that delivery company we use at the chicken company is rubbish, they couldn’t even deliver enough chicken on time”.

        FLammy also responsed following the shortage…

        “The government has to do more in this racial targeting by chicken companies trying to ethnically cleanse ‘our communities’ by starvation, we need compensation for ‘my people’ who use this chicken company and also those who don’t but are living within sight of any of the branches or watch others eat this chicken”.

        “We need immediate exemption from immigration laws, Free home insurance, life insurance, funeral services, free flights to GB for any chicken eaters overseas family members and compensation as follows;

        Initial payments of Β£3500 for those who spent over 6 minutes without chicken.

        Β£5000 for those who spent between 6 minutes and 1 hour without chicken.

        Β£10000 for those who spent between 1 hour and 7 hours without chicken.

        Β£30,000 – payments for each person ‘seriously hungry without chicken for more than 7 hours’ and who as consequence were required to visit an alternative establishment for chicken.

        Β£90,000 – to those and their next of kin who had to endure 1 whole day or more without chicken paid at that rate per day.

        All victims should immediately be placed in hotel accommodation with huge stocks of chicken until normal chicken supply resumes, but only after a further proven period of six months uninterrupted supply takes place.

        These payments also bear no impact on any benefits received or immigration status”.

        The Maybot is expected to comment later after buckling to ‘colourful demands’ and she will visit affected families after such time she can see them display public unrest and anger.

  5. I foresee some ‘chiggun rationing’ riots in the more ‘enriched’ areas of our cities. This will be good news for independent outlets such as Peckham Fried Chiggun and Gants Hill Goat and Chiggun Wings, for example, but once their stocks dry up also we could be looking at a London-wide melee.

    Boris could then bring in his water cannons – it would do many of them a favour as they don’t habitually shower or bath. Saint Bob is in dialogue with KA to arrange emergency supplies of Sparkling Black Grape and Sparkling Pineapple drinks to quench the rising anger.

    #Gibsmedat chiggun

  6. Well I for one am wary and afraid of the fallout from this shortage.
    Firstly, who knows what daft ideas will enter the brains of those who have had such a drastic shortfall in congealing oil and fat? Those selfish synapses may feel compelled to start a riot….
    Which brings me to the second fear. Having had a good read about the behaviour in Liberia, my imagination is now filled with thoughts of machete wielding coke fiends who, having been deprived of their staple diet of chiggun are now gonna raid the bodies of the living just to keep going.
    Just like in spy movies, sleeper agents just need to hear a code word or phrase – now we have a sleeper population kept solely in check by chiggun…..

  7. The 2011 London riots will look like a vicars tea party, Diane Abbotts latest fuck up due to chiggun withdrawal, racist Brexit voters, obviously.

    Please donate generously #Hackneystarving.

  8. Elise Christie falls over again.

    Briton Elise Christie’s hopes of a medal at the 2018 Winter Olympics are over after she was disqualified in her 1,000m short track heat. The 27-year-old finished second after her fall on the first lap led to a restart.

    The judges however deemed her to have committed an offence during the race which resulted in her disqualification.

    That’s all folks

    • How the fuck did that useless crybaby cunt ever get to represent Blighty at an Olympics event? The inept cow needs bike stabilisers…

      • A national treasure in the making.

        I heard some Tristan type kid on Chris (good) Evans this morning on about his first tennis match.

        “So what did you do?”

        “I played my first tennis match. Well actually it was 3 matches against different people.”

        “Wow! You must be tired after all that!?!”

        “Yes very!” (I bet it was best of 3 games per match max)!

        “And how did you do?”

        “Well I lost all 3 but…” and without skipping a beat “…that’s not the point. It’s about enjoying it and taking part.”

        “Of course it is. Well done.”

        And that – ladies and gentlemen – is why we are shit at sport with inclusivity being more important than victory!

        No doubt Chelsea will be over the moon for “just taking part” if Barca trounce them (although I must say I fancy Chelsea tonight).

        • Here in the states they’d give the millennial cunt a trophy for participating.

          🏸 πŸ†. 😣

  9. As Mr Hugh Chattering Islington Cunt will never have heard of, much less experienced the delights of KFC, I am surprised at his interest.
    Where was he when Islington hospitals were overwhelmed with avocado hand injuries? Dinner parties were postponed and erudite conversations about stupid leave voters interrupted.
    Not one word from him during that crisis. You should look closer to home sir.

  10. Great cunting, Hugh.

    All the benefit sponging chavs were hanging around outside my local branch.

    It was like the zombies outside the pub in that Shaun Of The Dead scene. Human flesh was close to the menu.

    I ran.

  11. If only there were countless kebab houses to be found on any high street selling the exact same shit.

  12. We should be grateful for a new and up to date way to parody something stupid which the ‘flakes will understand and can relate to.

    As in, “…..yeah, that’s like KFC not having any chicken you fuckwitted cunt stain”.

    I threw in the “fuckwitted cunt stain” as a sort of relish or side dish if you will. See what I did there? You’re welcome. πŸ™‚

    • A bucket of Fried Death please my good man.

      To my knowledge never been in a KFC. Do they really serve their stuff in buckets?

      • They do mate. And when you factor in the average customer weight it’s like they are dishing up pig swill. Disgusting in every way. Cunts.

      • There are bucket options for their ‘family feast’ range of fare.

        The bucket is made of paper with a paper lid, but it’s still referred to as a “bucket” in store. Apparently. A friend told me. Honest.

        • Fuck off General – UK KFC don’t use chlorine washed chicken! In fact, our diseased, concentration camp reared chickens are virtually organic…

    • ‘If they could afford to emigrate, they could afford to eat in a modest restaurant… And if they only ate potatoes, then they paid the price for being fussy eaters…’

      Alan Partridge

          • Farming? …cunts couldn’t grow potatoes worth a fuck so they switched to puppies.

            Just as with the potato, they aren’t any good with “farmint dogs” either, with most of them landing in GB mainland with fraudulent vet check paperwork riddled with disease likely stemming from the squalid conditions which they are bred. These cunts are up the food chain no higher than those walking the slums of Syria and the likes.

            Many of these puppies end up fighting for their lives just after being sold to their forever homes, many don’t even last their first week.

            Just a shame the vets on this side don’t take “a tenner in the back pocket” to cure the illnesses that the ‘pikey vet’ turned a blind eye.

            I look forward to previous quarantine procedures resuming following departure from the EU, instead of a ‘friendly nod / slip another tenner’ as they pass the G4S type customs / security clowns as they board the ferry bound for GB.

            The length of time they are held will hopefully give time to check paperwork and route out corrupt vets and farmers.

          • Once we’ve taken back control, Calais will relocate to Ireland, and the bearded child migrants with puppies will go for walkies.

  13. I rather enjoy the odd KFC bargain bucket,but I don’t live on it. Most of the Cunts you see there are obviously spending their benefits stuffing their absent-father,ADHD-suffering,obese brats full of KFC because they’re too lazy or stupid to cook anything themselves. No wonder the idle mares are always whinging about being short of money,they sit there staring at their mobile-phone while stuffing their gaping maws with takeaway,pausing only to nip outside for a cigarette. The worst of it is that a lot of these benefit scum “stay at home” mothers sneer at people who work at these fast-food places…not me,at least they’re working,not just scrounging.
    I’d give these permanent benefit leeches vouchers instead of money…no takeaway,no drugs,no booze,no mobile,no sky tv. The Cunts would sharp learn that the gravy-train had been derailed if I was in charge.

  14. Just imagine this country if we end up in a war situation like the 40’s and go to rationing programs again.

    It would cripple the flakes!

  15. There’s no problem with the supply of chicken to all the Chinese chippies round our way. Mind you tho ya don’t see a lot of cats neither πŸ“=🐈/πŸ€

  16. I was just wondering if the flabbapotomus looks like ‘Mammy two shoes’, when she gets in and puts her slippers on.

  17. I have to, and need to offer up a solid gold cunting to “Generation Fuckwit” and their dribbling social meedja “experiments” in the form of eating such things as laundry pods and rubbing chilli peppers into their eyeballs, writhing around in hot agony and then posting it on the wankernet. What in the name of professionally installed cunt has gone wrong with today’s youth? Once again, it’s the same old self entitled wankery “I’ll eat my own shit on webcam just to get noticed” mentality. These dull fuckers are thicker than a castle wall. Everyone wants their fifty seconds of forgettable fame these days? What a load of sick fucks. A&E departments should refuse to treat them, due to acting like a dim bulb in a barn. You can’t put anymore shit in a full bucket. RIP Commonsense.

    • As Karl Pilkington said, we’ve had the ice age, we’ve had the stone age, now we’re in the fucking about age.

  18. Now it seems the dumb, fat fuckers are calling the rozzers because KFC is still closed.

    You couldn’t make this shit up.

      • Police are perfectly capable of wasting their own time (and our money) without disgruntled KFC benefit cheats adding to the problem.

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