I’d like to cunt Barista’s and the cunts that employ them who appear to instil in them a sense of moral superiority.

Foooooking cunts, I dislike many many aspects of modern life but I reserve a special hatred for those hypster type coffee serving cunts.

When in the fuck did becoming a cunt that served you a brew give you licence to look down your fucking nose at the person paying £3 for a bit of hot water and a few ground up coffee beans?

Oh and whilst I’m at it just because you’ve got a fucking stupid beard and some torture device in your ear lobe it doesn’t make you trendy, it merely confirms you’re a failure that dropped out of Sociology at the start of your second year.

Get fucking fucked you cunts.

‘like yah, can I just write your name like on this cup ya know so I can shout you out when it’s ready, ya know’

‘Sure it’s CuntyMcCuntface with a capital C’.


Nominated by Cunty McCuntface

42 thoughts on “Baristas

  1. Great nomination for a cunting.
    These fuckers have a right fucking nerve. Since when is brewing coffee hard work? They appear to get exhausted simply by being busy.
    And since when does it take ten minutes to brew a coffee?
    Fucking corbynites the lot of them.
    Got to go to bed now.
    But FUCKING CUNTS!!!!!

  2. Sorry but I can’t agree. If you step across the threshold of one of these faux American shitholes you deserve to be treated like a cunt. If you lay down with dogs you…..well, you get the picture 🍮🤜

  3. The whole hipster culture is a fucking laughable and so much to cunt about these pretentious smug pricks. Craft beer, fold-up bikes , skinny jeans and a obsession with all things vintage or obscure, blues-infused 1980’s Vietnamese jazz or some shit, saw some limp dicked bearded twat with a Game Boy slung around his neck the other week!

    On a serious note these cunts take over working class areas and make them ‘trendy’ through urban gentrification, push up rents and business rates and force locals and family businesses out, cunts.

  4. All I ever wanted was a cup of coffee. If I wanted something special, like a fuck with the gorgeous waitress over there, then I would have asked for it. I ask for coffee and I have to complete a mind numbing navigation of 50 fucking questions!

    The cunt serving usually has a beard, and a big black thing like tea saucer in his lower ear lobe. The cunt invariably ponces around in exaggerated automaton mode to impress me in some way. Is this some weird fucking mating ritual I wonder ?

    Where in fuck do you find cunts like this to employ? Why in fuck can’t I have a coffee? When my name is peter, why in fuck are they calling me peedah! CUNTS!

      • It’s called a flask. We use them with coffee and home made soup. No plastics involved and no need for a beard and topknot.

    • Some of the cunts I work with are in and out of the nearest coffee shop all day,seems to cost about £3 a pop. It’s the same cunts who are always complaining about being skint and stressed..probably just wired all the time from excessive caffeine. Speaking of those disc things that some cunts wear in their ears,I was in a queue yesterday and there was a cunt sporting one as big as a Digestive biscuit in each ear. Every other cunt was laughing at him. What is the point of all this self mutilation?

      • It’s “ethnic” and therefore cool in’it!

        It’s to be sure a cunt like that can only ever be employed in “trendy” cunt organisations like this.

        I can’t see the local bank manager being overly keen in employing a cunt like that.

        It’s a defence mechanism from ever having to have the stress of a real job cos they’ll never get one looking like that.

        And running out of soy milk for another lactose intolerant flake’s latte is not stress! Try a tour of Helmand you cunts!

        • Top reply my fellow cuntsman Rebel.
          Imagine for a moment that some of these cunts contemporaries a hundred years ago would have gladly given their lives (and did without question mostly) in the defence of their country. Todays cunts think serving a coffee is a skilled profession and looking like a 1960’s gonk is “normal”. Fucking glad I am nearer the exit than the entry door of this mortal coil.

  5. Oh yeah there are some mp arseholes who want to put a 25p deposit on coffee cups to stop snowflakes fucking up the environment. Bummer man….why can’t they do something about Brexit ya?…..or Trump ya?….. or bigotry dude? Homophobia is a real drag ya?
    I say put 25 quid deposit on the fuckers…..anything to stop poseur cunts walking down the street with them like they are something out of a 1980s American cop show.
    “My name’s Columbo sir, Los Angeles Homocide….my wife’s a big fan of yours sir…..she’s read all your books sir.”
    Cawfee is for Yanks and cunts.

  6. Absolutely everything about these cunts wreaks of pretentiousness.

    The policy of recruiting only cunts with pieces of metal in their face.

    Selling cd’s like The Sound Of The Sea,  The Sound Of The Forest,  Best Of Some Scotch Cunt No-ones Heard Of and other cunts that died 50 years ago.

    Making a big show of writing your name on the cup so you can follow it through the production line.

    Having to order in fucking Italian.  Large please.  Would that be grande  or venti ?  Neither, I just want fucking large.

    Student cunts feverishly typing on their laptops.

    Business cunts in suit and tie feverishly typing on their laptops.

    All that customer experience just to pay 4 quid to get a coffee you didn’t want because you  don’t know what any of the names mean.

  7. Anyone, yes anyone, who pays £3 for a cup of coffee in a cardboard cup with a plastic lid on it is a cunt. No exceptions.

    I have a Nespresso machine (see ) which makes great coffee. I ignore the pretentious bullshit they serve up with it.

    It costs 35p a cup including the water milk and sugar. The machine was £250 so at 2 cups a day it pays for itself in less than four months compared to Costa or Starbucks. So why the fuck do I see cunts walk up my road to buy a fucking cardboard coffee in town and then carry it back home to drink it??????

    Then the cunts complain they can’t afford a train ticket or a house deposit ‘cos they’ve got no money. Fucking morons…

    • Even if I wanted to drink the overpriced filthy muck,I wouldn’t buy it from Starbucks,the tax avoiding cunts.

      • As an ex-tax inspector, who spent his last decade in HMRC fighting avoidance schemes, I say good luck to them. If the chancellor can’t sort the law, and there are loopholes in it,
        (which there are!), why should they not minimise their liabilities? The govt only wastes our taxes anyway…

    • I am lucky enough to have a real coffee shop in my locality.
      They have been there since before the war. There is no pretentiousness, only professionalism and courtesy.
      They do not charge three bucks or sell in cardboard cups either.
      I can tell them which coffee machine I will be using and they will grind my coffee of choice for me.
      They have managed to stay in business despite seventy three other barista bullshit shops opening nearby.
      This is because they are professional, knowledgable and local, proving that the whole world has not gone ‘apple’.

    • I have a Dolce Gusto basic unit. It cost £35 quid (half price from Costco) 3yrs ago and it is the most used appliance in my kitchen.

      I love strong black coffee and I get through 3 or 4 a day when I am at home. A box of 16 “pods” costs £3 quid and they produce coffee which exceeds the offerings of any hoop-lugged mong on Oxford Street!

      When I had to work in the shitty there was one coffee shop I used (on Tottenham Court Road) which was run by an Italian family and the papa-san used to man the coffee machine and just produce great coffee at 1/2 the price of Starcunts (which plonked themselves next door to this local, family run establishment – the cunts).

      Luckily their business was unaffected by this cunt ploy by Starcunts because everyone knew that the family gaff made better coffee, was also a cafe offering decent breakfasts/lunches/hand-made sandwiches for a fraction of the cost at cunt chains like EAT, etc.

      In fact the only cunts you ever saw in Starcunts or EAT were – you guessed it – hoop-lugged mongs or blue-haired flakes paying £8 for a scrawny arsed baguette (just because it has “rocket” in it rather than lettuce) crying about being skint!

      The Italian papa-san was the first and only place to offer me a ristretto coffee (cos he knew I liked them strong). It was mint! It was also on the house due to my patronage there over the previous weeks.

      That’s a “proper” food & drink establishment – not these faux plastic pretentious cunt outfits who’s employees should wear masks for the daylight robbery prices being asked!

    • I’ve witnessed people drive, yes DRIVE, into town park up disappear for a few mins and come back with one of those cardboard carriers with 4 starbucks coffee, jump back in their car and off to wherever, probably ‘the office’.

      What cunt does that? Spend 12 to 16 quid on coffee and actually have to drive there to get it. Fucking madness, why not just buy a machine like nespresso and dolce gusto for the workplace, or even an old fashioned percolator and save all that cash and effort.

      World has gone mad I tell you.

  8. Daft pretentious cunts “going out for coffee” indeed.
    That’s what the kettle in the kitchen is for.
    Going out is for beer (in the unlikely event you can actually find a pub that hasn’t been closed down or turned into a restaurant/mosque/tesco one-stop).

  9. I have to admit I love my coffee but I’ll be arsed if I grow a lumberjack beard and become a pretentious cunt because of it. I wouldn’t drink instant coffee but for some people that’s what they like and that’s cool.

  10. It’s not just the fancy shops oop town. The bloody wanker who runs the coffee place on the local station looks down on you with utter contempt as if he has a turd for a tiepin, just because i want a small ordinary coffee with a dash of cold milk.
    Only £1.75 for a small coffee [ half a fucking gallon] but he is obviously looking to get into one of those totally avoidably shithouses in London., although to be fair his coffee is good ,the cunt.
    And craft beer is very cuntable . I had a present of 12 every three months for a year delivered and always a different selection . I would say about 5% were properly drinkable . It’s an industry now and most of it is crud and far too strong,some bottles were 6%. Manfully i ploughed on to the end and gave the postie all those undrank since he clearly has the tastebuds of a skip. Fuck knows what happened to his license or his letters !

  11. Can you believe some people have “apprenticeships” to become a barista (or barman as the direct translation would have it)?

    The whole coffee shop culture is cuntish. And it also seems to be written in law that if there is a Costa or Starbucks available you HAVE to buy one.

    Not me motherfuckers – I’ll have a cup of tea from the bacon butty van s’il vous plait.

  12. I don’t bother with the Starbucks’ experience, I make my coffee at home.
    I start with a weak, molten, frothy cup of piss like coffee. Shout my name out several times, (incorrectly) then throw three quid in the bin and tip the coffee down the sink.
    It’s a great start to the day…

  13. I visited Dartmouth last year, a lovely little spot, and the total opposite of the nearby shithole of Paignton. What was refreshing to see were the place was filled with little tea shops, and they were all full to the gills, whereas the Starbucks/Costa, whatever it was, stood empty. Who the fuck would want identikit coffee in a cardboard cup, when for a quid more, you could have a Devonshire cream tea and a scone.
    Also, the rise in popularity of coffee has had a detrimental effect on the quality of tea, as most of these chain dumps use hot rather than boiled water, as not to ruin the coffee, however it is useless to make a proper cup of tea. The cunts.

  14. Apparently you can take exams in being a Barista. What? Surely a half hour lecture about coffee beans and how to use the machine? What do they learn for the rest of the day?

    If you pay more than £1 for a coffee or tea you’re a bell-end. Similarly, if your coffee/tea costs more than a drink at the boozer, you’re a idiot. Furthermore, if you refer to your job as “Hospitality” you’re a cunt.

    Thank goodness I only drink tea. Proper tea.

  15. I don’t really drink tea, preferring co-op instant, but our daughter gave us a box of really posh English breakfast from Harrods. Have to say, it was fucking gorgeous.

  16. That advert makes me smile where he says “I’ve paid more for a cup of coffee.” Well that’s because he’s got more money than sense. And why buy a coffee machine? A cup of milk, two spoonfuls of ground coffee, my microwave and three sweeteners, that’s all it takes.

  17. Whoop de doo ! The government are considering extending the licensing hours on the day of the Big Wedding. How considerate of them to allow the peasantry some extra time to toast the happy parasites. If you go to Windsor and line the streets they might throw a few groats your way. I said groats Abdul not goats you randy cunt.

    • That just epitomizes just how out of touch the cunts are. It’s actually embarrassing. What % of the population gives a fuck? I can’t see the old granny lining the streets of Windsor waving her fucking paper union Jack then moving on to the pub for a 16 pinter ending at 1am.

        • Fuck the royals and fuck their half witted illegitimate ginger offspring. Hope the streets are clogged up with homeless Bulgarians on the big day.
          Parasitical royal cunts.

          • Kravdarth and a bunch of homeless Bulgarians – “priceless!” as my Royals luvin’ old granny would say.

    • I shall demonstrate my deep respect for Royalty and its need for privacy at this very personal and meaningful moment in its history by ensuring that I am nowhere near the event, or any means of reporting it.

      It’s time the Union Jack was replaced by the chequered flag for that lot.

  18. Starbucks are cunts. They keep employing 18 year old arrogant white college boys who make me as horny as fuck!


  19. I boycott the cunts selling this coffee because, a) I’m not a lazy cunt that likes being pampered, b) I can make coffee, c) I don’t like chucking money down the drain.

  20. I have some sympathy for the “owners” of Starfucks outlets in the UK.

    They have all given much money (often six figures) to buy their respective franchises, and will be reliant on a heavy footfall to make a profit on the relatively small margins under which they are contractually obliged to operate. In addition the franchisees are responsible for and will have to pay all local costs, namely their employees salaries, income tax, national insurance contributions and any local corporation tax etc.

    So when Starfucks (along with the likes of Amazog, Googli, Apply etc) decide in their infinite wisdom (and much greed) decide to take full advantage of the UK’s piss poor tax regulations and pay fuck all corporation tax despite millions of pounds worth of sales, people with any moral fibre will start to boycott these companies.

    Starfucks franchisees will be left with far fewer customers than they might otherwise have expected and will be expected to be put under tremendous pressure to maintain high levels of customer numbers and business as usual as though nothing has changed despite the massive problem they face being not of their making and through absolutely no fault of their own.

    Failure to do this I suspect will result in their franchise agreement being terminated and then resold on to the next unsuspecting naive individual.

    Capitalism is alive and well and thriving in the UK.

  21. I’m not one for patronising these coffee establishments per se. I will say that I absolutely fucking hate and despise Starfucks. For two reasons. First, because going there is ‘the thing to do’. It’s trendy (apparently) to ‘hang out’ at fucking Starfucks with your pseudo-intellectual ‘fwends’ with your head stuck into a wanking Apple computer (the devil’s work IMO). The whole ambiance of the place just screams CUNT! Second, for someone who knows good coffee (Lavazza & Illy are my faves), Starfucks coffee really isn’t that great. It’s bitter and very acidic. Anyone who thinks they know good coffee and drinks the radioactive sludge they serve at Starfucks is both wrong and deluded.

    On a lighter note, please enjoy this hilarious rant about coffee by Denis Leary:

    You’re welcome.

  22. Just one of the many essential service-industry jobs that allow our masters to claim employment figures are acceptable. When Thatcher announced that she would henceforth be concentrating on service industries ( having just trashed anything that looked like a productive one) an old Labour MP, forget who, said that we’d all wind up selling each other shoelaces….that day has now dawned.

    Though the trendy-coffee racket is a masterpiece of its kind. It explores the very limits of the profit to be made between a penurious bean picker in Bolivia and a customer who understands the barista perfectly because he too does not do anything useful for a living.

  23. I must be getting soft. Not only am I unfashionably soft regarding the royals but I have had some good experiences in coffee shops. I never drink in them if I can help it but once in a blue moon I look confused and ask for just a ‘nice black coffee please’ and have never felt looked down upon for it. l also never go into the local independent coffee shop which is also seemingly run by hipsters but they always smile out the window so I’m glad they love their job. I’m probably gonna get banned from this site, but I can’t get angry enough to cunt anyone bar the big chains who I don’t see lasting too much longer in any case…

Comments are closed.