Cruise holiday bores

A Cunting for Cruise Hoilday Bores.

The talk of Branson’s private island has reminded me of a particularly tedious gent who used to come to my local on a quiet night,and proceed to bore the entire bar with tales of his latest cruise. You couldn’t ignore the Cunt,he had one of those braying voices like fingernails down a blackboard that is impossible to ignore. It was one of the few times where I’ve wished the bar had either a t.v or a juke-box…anything to drown the Cunt out.

Now I’ve nothing against people going away on holiday,but I don’t want to hear about it,and cruises seem to attract the type who think that anyone is interested. Cruises,from what I can make out,seem to be nothing more than a Benidorm-style all-inclusive holiday on a boat,aimed at retired old farts. The holiday-bore seemed to think that stuffing himself with as much seafood as an Orca at Seaworld was the peak of sophistication,and as for his description of dining at (Drumroll)….The Captain’s Table…Well,we mere mortals could only dream of such an honour. I must say, these Captains must have the patience of a Saint and nerves of steel not to introduce Maritime Law and have these self-opinionated,pompous windbags flogged and keel-hauled. Night after night of listening to Cruise-Man…cruel and unnatural punishment indeed.

We heard about the Entertainment,which seemed to consist of washed up cabaret acts and magicians who were desperately hoping that a Butlin’s talent-spotter would see their act and whisk them off to a better class holiday camp. The Casino,.where our hero apparently played baccarat with such success that people thought that he must have a “System”. He did,it involved him,in his imagination “winning big”, when all he’d really won was enough to top-up the leccy-meter when he got home.

As for the countries he visited…Well he was always a bit vague about that….”Oh,it was Thursday,that must have been Cadiz.” Didn’t stop him from holding forth on every country which he’d “toured” far half a day as if he was an expert in every aspect of it. In fact I think he only went ashore when he was virtually forced at cutlass point…probably too frightened of missing a free meal. The staff were all “ignorant brown Chinks” and he took great delight in tipping as little as he could. It’s my fervent hope that he’s remembered on a subsequent cruise and some cabin-staff poison the bastard.

Holiday bores are Cunts, but Cruise-holiday Cunts truly are Ocean-going, triple-funneled, iron-plated, twin-propeller driven, iceberg-dodging, bunting-flying, flag-waving Bores…. I hope Somalian pirates seize every fucking one of them….Absolutely NO ransom will be payed for their safe return…only for their dismembered corpses.

Perhaps Mo Farah might consider rejoining his Somalian countrymen and becoming a pirate when he retires….although No. I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything of the kind.

Nominated by Dick Fiddler.

80 thoughts on “Cruise holiday bores

  1. Your spot on with this cunting…….
    They usually spend 6 months telling you where they are going and boring you to death
    THEN when they get back 6 months complaining because the cabin was shit or they were next to the band in the bowels of the ship
    Either way …, utter cunts who want shipwrecking and left for dead

  2. I used to have some”friends” who went on cruises. If you went to their house they had large scale models of all the ships they’d been on, paintings on the walls, framed menus etc, etc.

    Once in there, you knew you had at least 2-3 hours of boredom.

    But they did keep good wine, so you could drink through it.

    • FFS they need shooting!

      Amusingly some of that shit gets good prices from cunts on eBay who collect it. I know. I’ve sold a load.

      Thinking about it, I might have some stuff they’d be interested in.

      The worst ones are people who buy this stuff to impress when they’ve never actually been on the boat. I’m reminded of a mate of mine who wore a Concorde tie pin when he’d never flown on the thing…

  3. My Mrs has suggested a cruise in the past and I said ‘no way jose’, funny name for a girl by the way but I married her so I have to accept it. There are not many things I can imagine to be more boring than sitting on a very expensive ‘social club’ with a shower of cunts you can’t get away from. The mother in law used to go on them and told us you get allocated a dining table with some cunts you’ve never met and probably have jack fuck in common with. Now as I start to get a bit longer in the tooth I find my mind set has changed in as much as I can no longer tolerate stupidity and idiocy and hold in my thoughts, hence my attraction to this informative site and I’m sure that goes for most on here that contribute to our world views. Therefore I think it would be rather ill advised for me to be placed in such circumstances where I would most likely be unable to control my inner feelings towards some of my fellow shipmates that started to ‘boil my piss’ as it were and would let i be known with a straight jab to the heart of the matter regardless of the ensuing consequences. Therefore the only cruise I would consider is one organised by IAC solely for IAC members up and down the English Channel. Cunts.

      • Could we hire an old nuke sub ?? Sprouts, of course (much as I love them), would be off the menu. We might even get to frighten a few people on the way…

        Dad and I used to go on LNER day-trips.
        Hire the last rolling stock to have been given a license, and we all took bets on which party would be last back to the departure station to go home. There were always bus trips, would’ve gladdened the heart of enthusiasts…except the buses were 1920s, doing the charter trips in mid-70s…

    • Kendo – you are right about the allocated dining thing. The first cruise I went on had that ‘feature’. I was on my own and was dreading it, but thought what the hell, how bad could it be? Erm…very bad indeed. Sat at my table of about 6 or 7 other people was this deranged, mouthy, ocean going bore:

      Jesus Christ on a bike, she’s one of those loud, obnoxious, ‘look at me’ types who seems to think everything she does and says is simply fascinating to everyone around her. She’s wrong on that score. One particularly memorable piece of cuntitude from this bint was her ordering expensive bottles of red wine for herself. Not a crime in itself, but the way it was done in a very ‘look at me, I’m ordering expensive wine and you’re not so I’m better than you’ kind of way. I so wanted to smash the bottle over her fucking head. Bitch!

      Needless to say, I did not enter the main dining room again after that and ate alone in one of the other restaurants for the rest of the trip. Awful experience.

      • Bugger me I would enjoy sitting opposite that for a few weeks reminding it it was unfuckable and untouchable.

        • @ IY
          You were on a cruise with the infamous Skepchick? hope you didn’t try to invite her for coffee, she might of mistaken the offer for date rape

          • I’m afraid so, TS. It was one of those The Amazing Adventure things organised by the James Randi Education Foundation. I thought it would be fun and enlightening. It wasn’t. It was a bunch of weirdos who all had their own little cliques and took turns in stroking each others’ egos. Really, REALLY sorry I went. Especially when I was introduced to James Randi who, upon learning I was English, said “Well we shouldn’t hold that against you”. The thought I had at the time was, “how about I magic you into the ocean you obnoxious little garden gnome?”.

            I actually could not recall this tart’s real name, so had to look up Skepchick. I found the story you’re referring to. What a whack job!

        • James Randi cruise god must of cost a fortune or you get a kind of deal for it?

          “James Randi Education Foundation. I thought it would be fun and enlightening. It wasn’t”
          Was that some kind of skeptical atheist club? Yeah just because these organizations oppose religion, support critical thinking doesn’t mean they don’t have massive egos and difficult personalities. I heard James Randi can bit of a cunt he was in a science ficton bookclub with L Ron hubbard hes had to deal with hubbards rabid followers a few times. Hes done some good tho I’ve heard alot of boomers say this phrase alot “Well we shouldn’t hold that against you” I agree it isn’t clever or funny

          • Hi TS – Well, let me tell you. Fortune or a deal? It was 2007 (I think), so I don’t recall exactly. I think it ran me somewhere between $1,200 and $1,400. I initially had a stateroom by myself because – you know – I need my space and a retreat from other humans. Then some cunt from the JREF contacted me and said someone else wanted to go on this cruise, but either couldn’t afford a single stateroom or all the singles had been taken. I was asked (as other singles were I suppose) if I wanted to upgrade to a porthole stateroom for less money, but share with this other person. The price drop was a few hundred dollars so despite my gut telling me absolutely not to do it, I took a chance and took the upgrade. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.

            This ‘other person’ turned out to be some old bloke who was one of the biggest cunts I’ve ever met. He was only on the cruise because I decided to share. Even so, he got to the stateroom before me and helped himself to the bed nearest the porthole, installed himself and all his stuff and took over at least 2/3 of the room. I was PISSED OFF! When this cunt used the loo, he would piss on the floor and leave it there. One time, he left a floater in the loo for me to find. Absolutely disgusting. He also snored like a drunk rabid donkey and was just so full of shit it was unbearable.

            The set evening meal time had me sitting next to this cunt with the psychochick opposite me. First night I was able to sit there for long enough to see what the main course was like, then without a word got up and left. I didn’t eat with the group again. It was absolute purgatory.

            Another example of the ego and clique mentality was this. In the morning of departure I had to get from the hotel to the port so I could get on the ship. If you signed up for a coach tour of Vancouver, they’d drop you port side. So I figured I’d do that. It was cheaper than the cab fare to the port and I’d see a bit of Vancouver. Good deal? The tour was pretty full and some bint sat next to me. I actually listened to music the entire time and either closed my eyes or stared out the window (I had a window seat). I never spoke to this woman – had no reason to. On the cruise, during a break in the ‘presentations’ she approached me and said she’d sat next to me on the coach tour. I said something like, “Oh, did you?” and because I didn’t remember and obviously didn’t want to chat, she went mental at me and got REALLY offended. WTF?

            I became interested in the whole critical thinking/atheist/debunking thing for a while and signed up with this crowd. It wasn’t fun and I never renewed my membership after the first year. Bumped into both Phil Plait and Michael Shermer. Both massive cunts. Met Adam Savage who isn’t. Saw a presentation by Neil de Grasse Tyson. He’s so in love with himself it’s embarrassing. Saw a Q&A with Penn & Teller, who were simply amazing, charming, smart, funny and brilliant. Ah – too many stories! Cheers – I.Y.

    • Is that the Yorkshire munter who resembles Peter Kay in drag?

      I came here to concur with the cunting, but you remind me that almost anyone associated with working on cruise ships is also an almighty boring cunt.

      At the start of my professional working life I was in a house share with, among others, a cunt who worked on a cruise ship as a beautician – and Christ, didn’t we all fucking know about it. Endless stories of bollocks and bullshit.

      I get people being enthusiastic about something they enjoy, but cruise cunts seem to lack any self-awareness about how theiy bore people into submission. This cunt I lived with was just as bad. In fact, she walked away from a very prestigious job in Central London to go back on the ships, so obsessed she was with the life. And I learned later it didn’t work out and she ended up on the dole. Stupid cunt.

      A top cunting straight from the Captain’s table, Dick Fiddler.

  4. If it was the Caribbean or Hawaii or somewhere of that nature I could half understand the attraction, but these cunts who go on river cruises in Europe? Nah I don’t get that.

    Not only are they horrendously expensive but you just know they’ll be full of hen-pecked ex bank manager types, dragged along by their Hyacinth Bucket (“Bouquet dear!) wives like galleons at full sail.

    Worst still, unlike the megalithic monstrosities which tour the Med and the Caribbean (where it’s easy to hide), these river boats are comparatively small and so you’d probably be confined to quarters most of the time just to avoid Brian & Brunhilda and their interminable conversation (which usually consists of Brian getting quietly pissed to dull the pain while Brunhilda regales about the last 5 river cruises – which where exactly like this one)!

    A worthy cunting indeed.

    • Ever been on a river cruise? Some were actually quite good but you need to pick your boat and itinerary. They’re all shit if you try to do for the price of a week in the Costas!

      I’ve done the Rhine, Douro, Danube, Yangtze, Elbe, Brahmaputra, Nile and the Volga. Did Holland too but can’t remember the name of the river.

      Quite fancy the Rhone through Provence and the wine lands…

      • I’d like to do a Danube one, but the interior design on the boat madde me want to barf.

        Looked like the opening of Emmerdale, but no Charity Dingle (just a load of Asian “campers”…

        • You have to pick your boat carefully especially on the Danube. There’s hundreds of them!
          Viking are good but a bit stuffy. AMA aren’t bad.

          Cabin sizes vary from palatious to cupboard…

    • To me they hold the entertainment value of a stubbed toe.

      Maybe in my dotage I’ll reconsider but until that time it’s an “adieu mon ami” from me! 😁

  5. Have never understood the attraction of the cultural institution which is cruising. One might have suspected (as people did) that with the arrival of the jet aircraft passenger ships would go the way of the Dodo, but no. First you fly thousands of mile and then you board a ship which wanders here or there (it matters not a bit where) and then you fly home. My question is why???. If I catch the 07.19 into Charing Cross I know why I am getting up at a god-awful hour and why I have to endure the overcrowding on South East Trains i.e. job to obtain money at end of week, but cruising?

    My Grandfather (a Master Mariner) captained (this in the 1930s) mail ships and with a few passengers in what so far as I can see from the photos would today be considered spartan conditions up and down from South Africa, but in those days the passengers knew why they were going, to the Southern Hemisphere; to marry a nice gel, control the natives, that sort of thing. There was a purpose. As soon as they stopped paying him (on reaching 65) my grandfather ceased floating around the world’s oceans. Says it all really, I think.

    Being prone to feeling as sick as a parrot whenever ship board – and that just to cross La Manche – you could not pay me to cruise.

  6. See my comments when this was nominated. Any ship >100 passengers is too big for my liking.
    But just to prove my total cuntitude, just booked five weeks on the Island Sky from Valparaiso, through the Chilean fjords, Falklands, Antarctica, South Georgia.
    That enough of a cruise bore for you?

    Fucking great floating shitheaps are not for me, but to each their own…

    And less we forget some of the cunts I’ve met along the way

    Must remember to add ‘The crashing cruise bore’ to that list!

    • Dio, Perhaps you could organise a slide show when you return from your next cruise. I’m sure the members of your local Women’s Institute would benefit from a 3 hour presentation of your holiday snaps….might even dull their memories of your last shocking visit. But do mind your nautical language,you salty sea-dogs have no idea how to act in genteel company. 🙂 .

      • Did do one once for a U3A travel group. Sea Cloud 2 round the Caribbean. Miserable cunts complained that I should have talked about the history of each island. We’d have been there all fucking night.
        Next time asked for a talk I told them to fuck off…

      • I take it you’re referring to Hebridean Princess?
        Top quality product. Faultless service, unlimited single malt and champagne, great food.
        Obscenely expensive, especially now HRH charters it since they scrapped the royal yacht. There are the odd offers to be had, but still pricey.
        Been on it once around the Outer Hebrides…

  7. The nearest thing to a cruise I’ve been on was as part of a holiday in Egypt we cruised the Nile from Aswan (I think) to Luxor and it was alright as it didn’t take long and I took over the DJ booth and got pissed, there were a load of French girls there as well.
    I couldn’t go on one of those Cruise ships though, I get the idea that it’s nice to stop off and see different islands etc but you end up bumping into the same cunts and the thought of a shared dining table sounds like a cunt. I also imagine it’s full of those couples who sit at the dining table with their meal and don’t say a word to eachother and spend the evening looking at anything but their partner. What the fuck is all that about? Seen the cunts behaving like that on holiday before. Surely when that happens you have to find some fresh meat and trade the boring cunt in. I’d rather go to Faliraki with all the Chav cunts and egg and chips crowd.

  8. My wife’s been drowning about going on a cruise for ages, so far I have shown the defensive skills of floyd mayweather in avoiding the question….TBH the very last thing I want on holiday is for it to be mapped out day by day!!, eat now!! Go here!! Stop there!!
    All whilst trapped with the shepple that are attracted to these giant cruise ships…
    I like to do things at my own pace and I can’t think of anything worse than being driven like a flock of gormless sheep!!….
    I could be interested in some other smaller ship stuff that dio was talking about but royal carribean and co can get fucked!!

    • No comparison. But remember if you take a zero off the passenger numbers, you put in on the price.

      Island Sky, Caledonia Sky, Hebridean Sky. All superb. Stick to those and you really can’t go wrong.

      Avoid the Serenissima. Too cramped. Same number of passengers but half the size. Says it all.

      No herding, no set seating, no entertainment after dinner, go to places others can’t get into like Pitcairn, the Kiril Islands, Aldabra, the Kimberley. It’s the wilderness places I love.

      The Antarctic trip will be number 37. I’ve been to places others have never heard of. Cosmoledo for example. Apparently more people have been to the south pole…

    • The Royal Caribbean Line will be well and truly fucked for the foreseeable after the hurricane. However if people want to see ramshackle housing, rubbish strewn neighbourhoods and violent street gangs they can stay close to home and chip up the Thames with excursions to Brixton, Brent, Tower Hamlets and Newham. Just remember to bring your passport.

      • Thing with RC is that lots if the passengers never get off. Someone said to me once that if the holiday is the ship, get a big one. If it’s where its going, get a small one. Seems to work…

        • I cant be fucked with formal nights where failure to wear a tuxedo would get you lynched if some of the cunts had their way. I kid you not I once seen a cunt in a tux in the Gym!!!!

  9. Someone mentioned that cunt Jane Mcdonald, I imagine if she wasn’t on there they’d have some ‘East End’ Cunt (like Terry Venables) belting out a load of Frank Sinatra. FUCK OFF.
    “I did it my way” yeah let’s do it my way and chuck you over board in your pyjamas you cunt.

  10. On a different subject, that cunt Richard Branson’s son has ‘Evoked the spirit of Dunkirk’ by asking people who have boats to get to the Caribbean to help after the hurricane.
    Why not tell Daddy to spend some of his billions and shut the fuck up you spoilt little cunt, you have probably never worked a real job in your life and no doubt are on Daddie’s payroll.
    While your at it tell your Dad to stop sending me Virgin broadband leaflets EVERY WEEK or so. The cunts.

    • I couldn’t believe it when I saw the cunt wandering around showing his ‘supplies’ for the people. Like you said that food was for him and his girlfriend whose probably called Penelope. I think he mentions his expedition gear has come in handy, I suppose he’s cancelled his pointless ‘expedition’ of somewhere to help out. What a total cunt.

  11. Off point but hugely annoying!!, I see today is MARCH FOR EUROPE Day!! , apparently they are expecting around 4000 people to march on parliament? And wonky eyed geldof is going to address the dwindling ranks of diehard remain at all cost merchants!! , well I would like to rename their jolly protest… MARCH TO EUROPE!! And stay there you Cunts!!

    • Will these ‘March For (the EU)rope’ cunts be goosetepping by any chance?..
      And that dirty filthy smelly hypocrite gobshite Irish bastard can fuck off and die.. Since when did dirty bogogtrotting tinker spudfuckers have any say in what British people want or vote for?! Fuck off, Geldof!

      • I still se the odd EU flag being flown in the odd window. What a load of sad cunts, I know we’ll probably never leave the EU but fuck off anyway.

        • Any English person that flies that piece of utter filth should be put in the stocks!!
          And any English person who says ” first and foremost I see myself as European” should be hung drawn and quartered….

    • Apparently it seems to be lost on these cunts that there’s no point in marching on Parliament on Saturday when there’s nobody there…

  12. Ha! Love it B&WC . Would the be the same ‘Spirit of Dunkirk’ from World War Two when fighting against the Nazi domination of Europe? And at the same time his beardy pound shop Bee Gee father is spouting the virtues of a German dominated super state. Family of cunts.

  13. Only cruise I ever showed any interest in was when Jill St John was in that microscopic bikini on ‘The Love Boat’…

    Never liked the idea of cruises… Prefer to holiday on land… Never fancied the idea of being surrounded by vast oceans and a ship full of complete wankers for days on end…

  14. I thought Kravdarth would have been telling us about his cruising experiences. Maybe he’s snogged a black deckhand.

  15. Ive had a word with a mate and I can offer an exclusive deal which is only for Is a cunt regulars, two weeks cruise around the Horn of Africa in a boat with all the mod cons and luxuries for your comfort. If you want to stay longer you can change mid ocean onto a ship my mate chooses. The real advantage is that when the ransom is paid you will have had a free holiday/cruise. Here’s a promotional picture:

  16. Time to cunt those oxygen thieves that are geordie shore.
    I’m from Newcastle myself and it makes me ashamed to say I was born in the same city as those cunts who have no talent like every other reality tv. The inbred scumbags only possess the ability to drink theirselves into oblivion and shag each over profusely. The fact that people watch this shower of shit and find it entertaining is beyond me because they are nothing more that alcoholic oxygen thieving cunts! Also most of them are smoggies and mackems so why is it called geordie shore?! That show is in need of dire destruction to everyone involved in it.

    • Wholly agree. Not that I watch that fucking programme but from the scant bits I’ve seen, TV clearly has plumbed the absolute depths of reality TV. Absolute fucking detritis amd dregs of society right there.

      Didn’t gurning jaw methodone-guzzler extraordinaire Vicky Pattinson whore herself endlessly on that shit-show?

      • That little slut would have only won im a celebrity because she put on some shit thick geordie accent and all the fucking retarded cunt viewers would have voted her to win, wow she can speak like she’s from Newcastle that’s a really good talent. Before long these cunts will be getting knighthoods and being made national treasures for doing fuck all

  17. How about a cunting for NHS Knockers.
    No, not the ones you’re all no doubt thing of but those cunts who constantly knock the NHS, the staff, equipment, food & everything else connected with it.
    I came out of Queen Alexandra Hospital in Portsmouth yesterday having just had a triple hernia operation and cannot praise the place enough.
    Everything …. the admission, pre med, consultant, theatre staff, ward staff and food
    were first class. The staff are friendly, efficient and helpful.
    I’ve had previous stays too with heart problems and have never had cause for complaint.
    I just wish the complainers who constantly moan about the NHS would wind their necks in and find something worthwhile to complain about…..something like the invasion of our country by every waif, stray and terrorist who cares to come here for instance.

    • I have to agree. A recent experience of the NHS with my son was exemplary.

      Thank God we live an area of GB that’s not bordering on or above 50% “peaceful” and beset with EUrotrash!

      Put it this way, working in Lutonistan through the week, when my heart attack comes (and I’m due one that’s for sure), I hope I’m back home. Speaking English in Lutonistan is a distinct disadvantage there! 😕

  18. Having cruised a few times, I can verify this is exactly how many people behave on board. It is quite shocking how seemingly ‘normal’ people turn to gluttony in the blink of an eye if they think they’re missing out on something.

  19. I know I am late on this, but I have just returned from Skiathos in Greece, (I flew there) the island is famous for being close to the island where Muma Mia was filmed.
    Hence being dragged onto the Mumma Mia cruise by my nearest and dearest, this entailed being confined to a converted fishing vessel with a bunch of tenna users, and forced to listen to almost 5 hours of soundbites from an album that is 2 hours 30 mins long, coupled with over priced anesthetic.
    Don’t do it people.

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