The talk of Branson’s private island has reminded me of a particularly tedious gent who used to come to my local on a quiet night,and proceed to bore the entire bar with tales of his latest cruise. You couldn’t ignore the Cunt,he had one of those braying voices like fingernails down a blackboard that is impossible to ignore. It was one of the few times where I’ve wished the bar had either a t.v or a juke-box…anything to drown the Cunt out.
Now I’ve nothing against people going away on holiday,but I don’t want to hear about it,and cruises seem to attract the type who think that anyone is interested. Cruises,from what I can make out,seem to be nothing more than a Benidorm-style all-inclusive holiday on a boat,aimed at retired old farts. The holiday-bore seemed to think that stuffing himself with as much seafood as an Orca at Seaworld was the peak of sophistication,and as for his description of dining at (Drumroll)….The Captain’s Table…Well,we mere mortals could only dream of such an honour. I must say, these Captains must have the patience of a Saint and nerves of steel not to introduce Maritime Law and have these self-opinionated,pompous windbags flogged and keel-hauled. Night after night of listening to Cruise-Man…cruel and unnatural punishment indeed.
We heard about the Entertainment,which seemed to consist of washed up cabaret acts and magicians who were desperately hoping that a Butlin’s talent-spotter would see their act and whisk them off to a better class holiday camp. The Casino,.where our hero apparently played baccarat with such success that people thought that he must have a “System”. He did,it involved him,in his imagination “winning big”, when all he’d really won was enough to top-up the leccy-meter when he got home.
As for the countries he visited…Well he was always a bit vague about that….”Oh,it was Thursday,that must have been Cadiz.” Didn’t stop him from holding forth on every country which he’d “toured” far half a day as if he was an expert in every aspect of it. In fact I think he only went ashore when he was virtually forced at cutlass point…probably too frightened of missing a free meal. The staff were all “ignorant brown Chinks” and he took great delight in tipping as little as he could. It’s my fervent hope that he’s remembered on a subsequent cruise and some cabin-staff poison the bastard.
Holiday bores are Cunts, but Cruise-holiday Cunts truly are Ocean-going, triple-funneled, iron-plated, twin-propeller driven, iceberg-dodging, bunting-flying, flag-waving Bores…. I hope Somalian pirates seize every fucking one of them….Absolutely NO ransom will be payed for their safe return…only for their dismembered corpses.
Perhaps Mo Farah might consider rejoining his Somalian countrymen and becoming a pirate when he retires….although No. I’m sure he wouldn’t do anything of the kind.
Nominated by Dick Fiddler.