‘Office Bravado’

Nomination: Office Bravado Cunts

Nature of Cuntishness:

How do you look at a person who states that they are “buzzing” because they just got off the phone with a client, without thinking “cunt”?

I just saw an advert where the phrase “smashed out some emails” was used, and it reminded me how much I hate the office cunting twats in some of the jobs I have had.

These poor cunts need pity and condemnation at the same cunting time. Usually “men” (loosely applied), they get their sense of personal progress and power from activities so banal and arbitrary that 99.9% of the population could do it. Yet these activities that mostly  involve lying and emailing somehow imbue them with aggressive confidence.

Clinching a deal
Getting paid a lot for kissing corporate ass
Getting into the office first
Walking outside wearing a suit with other people who wear suits
Answering a complaint
Getting praised by an impotent old man in an expensive chair
Being a fucking cunt

There is nothing to be proud of, I thought that was pretty cunting clear, but no. Castrated of any meaningful existence, the best they can hope for is that they put all of their power into achieving a middle class western lifestyle through the process of manipulating people in buildings with a uniform layout. That’s it, that’s their fucking life. They should be ashamed but they are cunts so they think that they are the best.

Office bravado cunt is a cunt.

Nominated by Cunting Rank Wags.

76 thoughts on “‘Office Bravado’

  1. Office cunts also have their own business jargon and buzz words, blue sky thinking, thought showers and touching base to name a few. Cunts.

    • All my favorite office cunts are fictional, in comics, film or video games Most Office cunts are naturally pretty sickening people social climbing opportunists with a ego. It takes a certain skin and annoying personality to be one

    • Run it up the flagpole!!
      Out of the box thinking
      But far worse are the uber Cunts who because they once went to their companies office in America come back and start talking yank wank!!
      Smashed out of the ball park!
      Hit a home run!! , although they are obviously talking bollocks it probably sounds marginally better standing in New York or California with a bunch of like minded fuckwits?, but standing outside your office in Slough on a rainy Monday morning? Really??

    • Thought showers ?? Feckin golden showers, more like.
      The very reason for my retraining as a sparks, to avoid the atmosphere of craven greed and toadying.
      Stellar cunting there, CRW

  2. My current place made the fantastic decision years ago to scoop up all the office cunts, called them ‘the sales department’ even though it included marketing (picture drawing and email spam), accounts (GCSE mathematicians), and we shifted them as far ooop north as we could throw them, leaving just the smart people behind to have a laugh. Best. Place. Ever.

  3. When my lad was looking for a job last year he used a recruiting agency. The cunt he dealt with was called…….Jerome!! He used to come out with things like ‘hey tom maybe we can meet up and grab some beans’ and ‘here’s something here that could have mileage in it’. Fuck off. The cunt would have been better off studying astronomy at college to realise that he ain’t actually at the centre of the fucking universe.

  4. Confession.

    I was an office cunt for 30 years. Some might say I achieved a level of “success” as for 15 years I was a financial director.

    I hated every fucking minute. The politics. Cunts who worked 14 hour days. Going on team building courses with people I fucking hated.

    12 years ago at the age of 50 I chucked it all in and now run an Airbnb holiday home in Brighton. Best fucking move I ever did.

    So I am laying myself open to a deserved massive cunting for spanking away 30 years of my life. The one saving grace was that I never employed a Muslim.

    • You’re not an “office cunt” for working in an office, you’re an “office cunt” if you work in an office but act like a cunt. There is a difference.

      I’d say your last paragraph absolves you of any cuntishness. 😁

    • You’re also honest.
      And, unless we’re royal, or win another sort of lottery, we all have to work.
      GPs’ receptionists have raised bureaucratic cuntishness to the highest form of art…
      Had an ENT CT scan done at the beginning of the month: technician said result would be with GP within a week, so I emailed the reception asking politely if they could text or email back with result, if indeed necessary. PLEASE don’t phone, as I’m on site, and chances of hearing phone are zero.
      So the lardarse munters tried calling me three times, then said they couldn’t work out how I’d contacted them ! So how the f did they even know to contact me ??
      I’m sure my ENT is only a minor problem, but every time I see the GPs’ receptionists, my piss superheats…

    • I was briefly an ‘IT Director’, ‘promoted’ without actually being asked if I wanted it. Jeepers, everyday was a mountain of shit. surrounded by back stabbing, politic playing cunts, expected to work stupid fucking hours. When the misses said I turning in a cunt I knew it was no life for me and jacked it in.

      Going ‘back on the tools’ soon, happy my brush with upper management is over and lessons learned.

      Is it just me, or are comedies on the TV all completely shit? So called comedians on the TV are just not funny, same old weak shit jokes about Trump or Brexit I’ve given up watching. For entertainment these days I come to this site for the great comments section, some of the jokes are spot on really excellent stuff. Guido Fawkes’ site comments section is quite good.


      • I was a Corporate Tax Project Manager. Fucking hell, no wonder I went proper mental…

      • Ian Hislime… Laugh ??! I thought I’d never start.
        Same with Brockpoke, Brand, Jimmy Carr Water-Biscuit…and a cast of thousands of smug, deeply unfunny cunts.
        Agreed, JTC !

        I dunno about Roisin Conaty, though…
        First saw her on great British Bukkake-off… A megaton explosion of tits, teef and blonde hair, all squeezed into a rather nice flowery frock that started too late and finished too early…
        Well hot.
        It’s back to birds eating cake (La Langrishe in a brief sequence in The Fortunes of War)

  5. The most laughable is when one cunt sends another cunt the “Scarborough Warning”, i.e., “…and when I see him I’ll fucking tell him that…” in the kitchen/canteen, etc.

    Then you end up in the same room as the cunts and it’s all “hellos” and platitudes. Spineless, two-faced office cunts!

    • where as I blew one guys desk up with an airbag for being an annoying cunt, and have shot another one in the head with an airsoft rifle for pointing a pistol at me, not all offices are the same you know.

  6. I worked with a cunt who had an MBA. He kept using complicated words that no one understood. Massive Bloody Arsehole.

  7. I love my “Buzz word Boss”, he went to one of those motivational business seminars where the phrase was “what makes the boat go faster” “we have to make the boat go faster” in fact he got rather keen on boats to the extent I offered him a free one.
    yes the blight of my life a 15ft sea kayak that has been stuck in my garage for 3 years, fucking thing had to go in diagonally and would launch like an RNLI collection box each time I opened the door.
    So in line with his need to fit in he accepted the bizarre gift of this white elephant and is now spending his time thinking about “how to get rid of the boat” instead of “how to make the boat go faster”.

    • Class !
      There’s a story, maybe apocryphal, about a bloke who was working in Hong Kong.
      When his contract was terminated a bit shabbily, he received a fuckoff package, written, in which it was stated that “Employee and all junk will be repatriated at company’s expense”
      Well, he’d taken up sailing at the harbour junk club, bought himself the vessel, and I’m glad to say the bastards who fired him had to cough up to get the traditional sailing vessel back to Blighty.
      So if you’re out barging on the BCN, or perhaps the Grand Union, and you see the boat, give the skipper a wave, he might tell you the story over a glass of sake.

  8. Fucking hate it, I’ve worked in factories, on building sites and in office environments and they all have their own special kind of cunts but none worse than the corporate cunt.

    The cunts make or female who think what they do sat on their arse in a leather chair makes them aplha.

    Fucking get over yourselves, when you’ve attacked a cave full of Islamic lunatics armed with a pen knife, then you can tell me you’re alpha, Machiavellian plotting and ruining some cunts life with an email makes you just another cunt.

    • Never forget Reggie Perrin’s boss, JC (Josh, by any chance ??)
      “I didn’t get where I am today…”

  9. One of my bosses, a fat sweaty waste of space lickspittle (I am going easy on the cunt!) had a couple of phrases best suited for the office, but not so great on the shop floor. But he had a few that he would use to get down with the lower orders, and ‘suited and booted’ was one that would always grip my shit. It would have ‘suited’ me to have ‘booted’ him in his fucking chalfonts, but I doubt he had any.

    • Nothing better than a game of ‘Bullshit Bingo’ …
      We’d an office Cunt used to visit the oil rig … guaranteed two minutes with him and you’d have a full house …
      ‘You guy’s at the coal face’ … ‘All your ducks in a row’ … etc.
      He never actually used to say anything, but ticked the box for his monthly visit…
      Wanker …!

  10. I’m self employed which suits me even when things are tough, as I’m not a good employee.
    In my last employed position I phoned in and used my sick days so fast, I eventually had to call in dead….

    • but you get good “brownie” points for self-resurrection.

      Could brownie points have anything to do with wacism, or little girls (Thank Heaven !!) in uniform ?

  11. My pet hate is telephone canvassers! ” good evening , is that mr quislings?” ” no im afraid he’s away for a few years ” the nosy Cunts can’t resist ” a few years?” ” yes he got 5 years for murdering a telephone canvasser” Click!!
    My wife fuckin loves that….😂

    • When I get telephone shitehawks I usually do the Butler… ‘No, I am afraid Mistah Norman is unavoidably detained…. Now fack orf!’

      • I’d some cold calling Indian fucker a couple of weeks back, threaten to put the phone down on me as I was … ‘Wasting his time ..!’ …. Me wasting HIS fucking time.Cheeky Cunt.
        All I did was start feigning trauma when he mentioned ..’the accident I’d been involved in’ … flashbacks and all that.

    • Had an email from caringforaparent.com recently…

      My reply was
      My father died on my 30th birthday, my mother in 2007.
      So why don’t you oxygen-thieving cockwombles just fuck off and die ??

      I think they may have got the message, in everey sense…

  12. Office bravado cunts boast about being too busy to go to meetings, but in reality love meetings.

    • I’ve a mucker who got a start in a department in an office which involved a ‘morning call’ to an offshore rig.
      First day, just before the call, his office starts filling up with Cunts with clipboards and note pads. They all sit down … so he starts picking them off one at a time … ‘So what exactly are you doing here?’ ….clipboard bloke .. ‘Well I sit in everyday ‘……. my mate .. ‘If I need you, I’ll tell you’ ..
      After sifting through the first couple, about another half dozen fucked off before they were fucked off. They do love meetings.

  13. I despise modern bullshit and office twatspeak…. Apparently someone who makes butties is now a ‘Sandwich Artist’… There’s no fucking art to putting some meat and pickle on a slice of bread… Same goes for ‘Team Member’ and (must have a) ‘Can do attitude’… It’s just corporate cunts trying to lure in thickos and glamourise what is basically dog’s work… And the management twats who use the US sports bollocks, like ‘at this stage of the game’ ‘we mustn’t drop the ball’ ‘slam dunk’ and all that crap should have their tongues removed….

    • Can do attitude!! 😂😂😂😂
      Just means some servile cunt who will do the shitty menial tasks without having the bollocks to say no!!
      Team player?? A fucking sheep who likes to hide in a flock!!
      A go to guy?? See can do attitude!!
      A real go getter??? See CDA!! Another word for the cunt who fetches the coffee 😂😂

    • Off the bat!!
      go the full ten yards!!
      thrown a curve ball
      Coming out of left field
      No fucking wonder americas economy is up the shitter!! standing around all day talking gobbledygook! Thick cunts!!

  14. Who would work in an office today? Half the time would be spent walking on eggshells trying not to offend women/minorities/gender benders and assorted snowflake cunts. The ISAC faithful wouldn’t make till lunchtime.

  15. Swansea today (what are they in the English league for anyway?!) and I simply van’t be arsed… Actual people on the way to Swansea drinking water? What fucking happened to getting pissed causing havoc and turning the place and opposition fans over?!

    Gone are the days when towns closed down when United were in town, now they just open more gay bars and arrange fan channel five a sides… Fucking cunts… The game has gone to fuck….

    Also, no doubt if Matic doesn’t play like Zidane on speed today United’s Twitter following🙄 will get the knives out…. Mongs, cunts, tossers, and mongs…

      • Norman I feel your pain. Followed pompey myself back in the day. Back of the coach crates of beer stopping in random pubs for a pint and a slash a bit of a punch up a night in the cells and a pain in the arse journey home on a Sunday ahh the good old days. It’s an embarrassment now still follow the team but even at our low level the hangers on get my back up. Hope you smash the taffy twats and pup.

          • Not 657 used mostly mitchells or SSD minibuses or vans occasionally coaches or even the odd football special. Best times when pompey were relegated down to the fourth division and we had maybe 50 of us going to Hereford or Bury happy drunken days

  16. I used to work for a large corporation in S Africa. We had an uber cunt for a chairman who would make bullshit statements and tell us to ‘write that down’ And then watch us to make sure. (Donald Trump anyone?) He showed us a video of geese flying with the message that if we need help just honk. Yes, that was really helpful. It was an organisation where needing help would get the vultures dragging you down so honking was never an option. We were encouraged to use company bullshit at all opportunities – ‘Cash is King’ is one I remember. This was ten years or so ago but in the early 70s I worked for a large American chemical company and it was just the same except I was lower down the pecking order so less bollocks filtered down. Bullshit and cunts are an organisational necessity apparently.

    • Those Finnish bastards and their crusades against Islam. About time they got some peaceful intervention.

      • They only have to look at their Scandi neighbours Sweden to see what years of Liberalism does for a country.

  17. If I worked in an office I’d be an even bigger cunt than I am. The cunts.

  18. Never been in the office environment ever, thankfully.
    Self employed and working from home is great, esp now we’re living out in the countryside. On the brief period where I worked for a BMW bike dealership the office bullshit was spread out into the workshop to the point that even the grease monkeys, sorry “technicians” were toadying and backstabbing with the rest of the cunts. You had to “watch what you say” while there as well (Fuck that!)
    proving that political Correctness has it’s roots as much in the corporate world as amongst the marxist wankers.
    (Not that I’m standing up for those cunts, no sir)

    • I rebuild light aircraft engines for a job and thankfully my company is the antithesis of PC bullshit and health and safety. Petrol(avgas) catches fire chemicals burn or have toxic fumes. Heavy things on toes hurt. All common sense and we don’t need meetings or risk assessments to know that. If you employ morons or minorities to simply fill quotas that’s when the real problems start.
      My industry is regulated almost to a standstill by the British and European regulators whereas Australia, New Zealand, Canada and America all have thriving light aircraft communties and that’s because they just get on and do things. The safety is there but with a common sense rarely seen in this country anymore.

  19. I’ve been wondering why the Council have cut the grass verges and filled all the potholes after years of doing fuck all on the roads in my area. Apparently some Tour of Britain push-bike race is coming through. The Cunts have even organised a road closure for the morning that they come past my road end…. Fucking cynical bastards,do nowt for years,but splurge the taxpayer cash when a bunch of Cunts who pay no road tax decide to inflict their bellendery on an uninterested local population.

    • “bellendery”????

      Is that when they go “ppllliiiiingg pllliiiingg”?

      I’m with you on this one Dick Fiddler.
      Sabotage is the answer.
      Marbles, tacs, broken bottles, cow pats flung over a hedge, machine gun mounted on the tractor.

      I may be a six day a week cyclist, but I’m doing it for me and my fitness, not to be part if a bum waggling in the air bunch of skinny freaks.
      I do it for vanity. (calf’s and quads to die for)

  20. Last night on my pushbike i was on the cycle path along the water front, and i spied a speedwalker in the distance. As i got closer i noticed all the fishermen had turned round and were eyeballing the soppy cunt. When i passed, and even though I’m a polite nice guy, i couldn’t help but eyeball him too and when he looked back at me i laughed at him and called him (in Spanish) a stupid cunt. Chavvy i know , but i couldn’t help it.
    While i was out on my push bike, the missus had taken our daughter and her pal out on the mini train that plays party music as it does a tour of the town.
    The whole train laughed and pointed at the twat as they went passed. Everybody. The whole train, man.
    So basically every cunt he passed was laughing at him.
    I imagined him looking in the mirror before he left home and gearing himself up for the abuse.

    Billy Connelly once said that Scotland would never have a speed walking world champion coz, “where would you train?”

    Speed walkers are daft looking cunts.

    • Speed walkers look like they’re doing a version of the Guinness shuffle…the one where you’re desperate to get to a shithouse before it starts running down your leg,but know that you must keep the arsecheeks clamped together to prevent seepage…or that might just be me,I guess.

      Missing your facebook pals yet, Birdman?

      • Not at all.
        That was a weird experience. Every time i was on it i felt that a little piece of me died.
        I took Dioclese advise and put everything on “friends only” , unfriended the lot and now its sits there idle/dead.

        Here on ISAC there’s less than fifty regular cunters and others that pop up now and again, but on Fuckbook, its the whole fuckin world. Everybody.

        Here i can leave a comment and it’ll be read or not, but what the fuck is the point of posting a comment on some fuckbook page when your comment is no.1373?
        Waist of time and harmful to whatever sanity i have left.

        Ps “harmful” only has one “l”??
        Spell check says so.
        News to me and i passed my English exams.

        • Thers me clameing eye past my inglish ecksams and eye cant spell “waste”.
          Doss cunt i am.

  21. Hearing reports of another peaceful attack this time in France.#NothingToDoWithIslam.

  22. There’s gonna be a march against terrorism in Barcelona on the 26th of August.
    I ain’t going.

    Peace please, no more, one love, come together, we are one, love not hate, are a few of the things that’ll likely be uttered by these utter cunts.
    I’d maybe attend if we all repeated the mantra “into them, into them, into them”

  23. Let’s run over infidels and feel alright
    let’s set fire to infidels on the muppet show tonite…

  24. A good solid cunting there. I’ve never worked in an office, although plenty of hipster bullshit-jargon cunts work in such places. Plenty of cunts to be found outside an office environment as well. Sadly…cocksmokers, backstabbers and “look at me, my work-cock is massive” cunts are sadly found everywhere and need to be thinned out.

    I’ve heard the phrase “touch base” quite a lot. What I’ve found is that the people who wank over this sort of jargon bollocks are some of the most narrow-minded, self righteous office demigods around. These cunts preach their shit, when in reality they have their own skeleton collection at home in their cupboards and lead really submissive miserable lives. Cunts one and all.

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