Ian Hislop (3)

Hislop                                                              Baby

Hislop and ‘The Wipers Times’

Settled doine in front orf telly with a nice single malt to pay me respects to the memory orf the fallen in the battle with the greatest carnage count in WW1. Indeed Passchendaele remains unsurpassed to this day. Then up pops the slap head cunt Hislop to do a promo on his crappy play ‘The Wipers Times’ (for those cunters ignorent “Wipers” was what British troops called Ypres). Amidst the mud and gas our brave lads took to publishing a newspaper to generally take the piss and boost morale. According to Hislop it was very funny in an anarchic British way, a sort orf ISAC for the trenches. Some orf it was then staged in front orf Ypres Town Hall for assembled dignitaries and public. Went doine like a lead balloon or indeed like shrapnel in the groin before the watching millions ont telly.

The bint doing the commentary went orn to mark our cards with further plugs for Hislop’s shite with the warning that it would shortly be touring to a theatre near you. If Hislop believes himself to be a writer orf dramatic worth then sadly he is delusional. No help to him that a section of the infinitely superior ‘War Horse’ was also performed but to great acclaim. Perhaps Mr Hislop should consider a modification orf his title to the ‘Wipe Arse Times’. Then his poor public will be better prepared.

From Our Drama Critic, Sir Limply Stoke

52 thoughts on “Ian Hislop (3)

  1. Good cunting of the self-congratulatory, smug, potato-headed, liberal skidmark.

    Hislop has a very apt surname. As amusing as a bout of terminal dandruff.

    • and ee looks like a pantomime dame in that pic…

      There’s only going to be one thing better than seeing that star-chamber of cuntitude imploding, and that’s a load of pathetic, delusional twats like Hislime blubbing themselves to death.

  2. Ahhh! The Pro Remaing Euro Lover is being cunted!…Love it
    What a smug self satisfied little fat twat he really is. Another product of the public school system?
    What really boils my piss about this cunt, is his constant lampooning of those who voted to leave. Implying at every opportunity that those voting to leave were deluded incompetent fools who ought not to have the right to vote on matters other than their weekly bin collections.

    What an arrogant little cunt.

    Slimier than snots on a doorknob

    • Holy cuntfucks! Were you not of mind to make a bigger deal out of this? Surely, if it was blog material, it is tantamount to theft of intellectual property, no?

      • Given that Hislop is in court so often he has his own private entrance, I didn’t think I’d win.

        I thought ‘he!p yourself but give me credit for no charge’ was very reasonable of me but clearly I was naive to expect a reasonable response…

  3. He thinks by being associated with Private Eye gives him some kind of uncontestable licence on anything political, as proven in the woefully hackneyed HIGNFY.

    Hislop has been a big voice in the Remainiac, EU apologist camp, poking fun at all the stupid people who want a decent society in a normal country. Ho ho, these no-brained, beer-swilling, teethless idiots have no idea, he continuously chortles in his sanctimonious, no-chin chuckle, shaking his head.

    Ian Hislop lives in a big mansion in Sissinghurst in the Kentish countryside, is chauffered into London by the BBC and has probably never been near a public hospital for decades. Time to retire and shut up, you hypocritical, chinless turd-nugget.

    • Yeah, all that. But Private Eye’s very good on offshore scams, money laundering and bent councils, stuff the official media manages to miss completely, so I’d cut him some slack on the self-promotion stakes although he’s admittedly become very stale lately. He’s done a pretty good job with PE IMO- Ingrams was a hard act to follow. His incessant remoaning is tedious, but at least he isn’t pretending to be objective, like the BBC, or blowing hot and cold, like May.

      Minor cunt only.

      • Fair points. Private Eye is good, it continually exposes hypocrisy and mountainous turds. Nevertheless, the vomit about Brexit is nauseous.

  4. Kind of blew my wad cunting HIGNFY a few weeks back. But then there’s always a bit extra in the tank for this motherfucking Jimmy Sommerville tribute act.

    This light-bulb-headed tosspot has transformed from cunt to uber-cunt in the wake of Brexit. In fact, Brexit has been like an amplifier for many cunts. Post vote, cunts who were already cunts have now magnified their cuntitude many times. And this self-styled people’s cunt is a classic example.

    This fucker seems obsessed with pissing on his own country, just because they opted out of an undemocratic, failing state. Apparently youth unemployment above 50% and the ruination of Greece and Italy should be what we aspire too. Not for me. The few times I have foolishly tried to watch anything featuring this specimen within the last 12 months, the rage has taken over, leading to my shit very much hanging sideways.

    This fucker encapsulates everything wrong about the self-loathing, quisling liberal middle. The sooner this unholy cuntfuck gets an incurable tropical disease, the better.

    • “Jimmy Sommerville tribute act”.

      That’s fucking hilarious on so many levels. Laughed my arse off at that. Thanks Empire.

      • Seconded. TECB owes me a new keyboard.

        Perhaps they are twin potato-heads, mixed in the same test tube and hatched in the same, rinsed out Robertson’s jam jar, but then tragically separated at birth?

    • Interesting comment there about Brexit being an amplifier…

      Very like a hi-fi set up; if you put shite in, you get loud shite out.

  5. Me and my Spoon
    This week, Ian Hislop

    Ian, are you a cunt?

    Ian H..Yes

    Ian, do you look down on and belittle the working class

    Ian H..Yes

    Ian, is the Private Eye now shit because you can’t accept Brexit?

    Ian H..Yes

    Ian, will you please fuck off?

    Ian H..No

    As told to Spanky Mc Spank (cont p94)

  6. I wrote to the Eye asking why they no longer took the piss out of all and sundry and that this seemed to be since last summer. I suggested they rename it the Remoaners Gazette.
    I got an acknowledgement from E Strobes but no answer.

    • I’ve been reading Eye for the last twenty five years but I’m that close to cancelling my subscription.

      Then they do a brilliant “As told to” or a very funny “Me and My Spoon” and I stick with it.

      It’s worth the money for “It’s grim up North London”

      • Bloody neighbours… that Steptoe lookalike banging the hippo.

        Knocked the whole row of bijou little cottages down…

  7. Like TECB I shot my millet over HIGNFY a few weeks ago, but have always got a little bit xtra for cockheaded hislop!, this smug little Cunt is well past his sell by date and should be removed from TV immediately!!, boring, self centred , repetitively dull and no longer relevant!! Nowadays it appears the only person who finds hislop funny is himself!! …….
    Enjoyed all the posts 👍👍👍

    • There is so much unfunny wank on the Al-BBC that it defies belief.

      Caught more anti-Brexit bollocks from rhombus-headed cunt Marcus Brigstocke a few days ago. There’s a cunt who needs a solid fucking kneecapping and no mistake.

      • “Rhombus headed cunt”

        Love it, Empire. Spat my drink out over my keyboard!

  8. i watched the whole of that Paaschendaele memorial service. The 2 minutes silence was incredibly powerful. i half expected to see soldiers slowly rising from their graves.

  9. He is simply parroting the typical selfish remain cunt response… they are bitter because they are about to lose something, be it cheap labour, cheap house cleaners, cheap fruit pickers, cheap car washers. Hardly a single fucking remainicunt I’ve seen bemoaning the ‘idiot brexit fuckers’ eats, sleeps or shits within 30 miles radius of the hordes of peaceful’s, pickpockets, benefit frauds, shoplifters, tool thieves, acid thowers or big issue sellers that the rest of us have been blessed with. I couldn’t leave a fucking shovel unattended on my front lawn for 30 seconds if I ever wanted to see it again. Dare I put up a metal hanging basket. 30 years ago I could have left my first born out there. Frog faced smug cunts like hislop have only ever seen the benefit, 52% of us have had to pay their benefits and live with the fuckin consequences. Well suck my fucking dick you potatoe headed, sanctimonious spunk bubble, what you’re about to lose is nothing compared to what we have actually/already lost. Fuck him, fuck his shitty HIGbiasedNFY, fuck private japs eye and fuck his shitty little play. Mega cunt. And throw that Merton cunt in for good measure. Hasn’t been funny since before I had hair on me balllsack.

    • You are being too kind. Merton has never been funny notwithstanding hairy knackers.

    • Yeah sums it up perfectly. For my sins I’ve been doing a bit of work in Lutonistan.

      Funny that the “peacefuls” kick off about public services not putting their phlegm sounding language first and yet when you’re in a wee bomb-maker hamlet such as Lutonistan that the only fucking thing you can read in their shops are the fucking prices!

      Yeah a non-peaceful might not know what they’re buying but it’s to be sure

  10. In Flanders Fields

    In Flanders fields the poppies blow
    Between the crosses, row on row,
    That mark our place: and in the sky
    The larks, still bravely singing, fly
    Scarce heard amid the guns below.

    We are the Dead. Short days ago
    We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
    Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
    In Flanders fields.

    Take up our quarrel with the foe:
    To you from failing hands we throw
    The torch: be yours to hold it high.
    If ye break faith with us who die
    We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
    In Flanders fields.

    by John McCrae (1872-1918)

  11. Private Eye has gone downhill since the late great Peter Cook went.
    Of which his cunt sketch is perfect for this site

    Dud: I tell you, the other day, some bloke came up to me, I dunno who it was, an’ he said, “You cunt.”

    Pete: Yeah.

    Dud: I said, “Wot?” ‘E said: “You cunt.”

    Pete: Yeah, and you replied, “You fuckin’ cunt.”

    Dud: I said … well, no, not straight away … I said: “You cunt,” I said …

    Pete: Yeah, yeah …

    Dud: … An’ then ‘e said …

    Pete: … What’d he come back with?

    Dud: ‘E come back, ‘e says, ‘e said “You fuckin’ cunt.”

    Pete: You’re jokin’!

    Dud: ‘E said, “You call me a …”

    Pete: ‘E said “You fuckin’ cunt”?

    Dud: ‘E said, “You call me a cunt? You fuckin’ cunt! …” I said, “You f—,” I said, “You fuckin’ cunt.”

    Pete: I should ‘ope so. “You fuckin’ cunt …”

    Dud: I said, “You fuckin’ cunt.” I said, “You fuckin’ come ‘ere an’ call me a fuckin’ cunt …”

    Pete: I should say so.

    Dud: I said, “You f—,” I said, “You cunt.” I said, “You fuckin’ cunt.” I said, “‘Oo are you fuckin’ callin’ cunt, cunt?”

    Pete: Yeah, what’d ‘e say, cunt?

    Dud: ‘E said, “You fuckin’ cunt!”

    Pete: Well, you fuckin’ cunt! ‘Oo are you to say to ‘im that ‘e was a fuckin’ cunt?

    Dud: Well, what d’you f—, what d’you fuckin’ think, mate? I’m fuckin’ defendin’ my fuckin’ self, aren’t I?

    Pete: Well no. ‘E come up to you, call you “cunt,” that’s fair enough, or ‘e said, “You fuckin’ cunt,” an’ you said back to ‘im, “You fuckin’ fuckin’ cunt,” …

    Dud: I said, well …

    Pete: … well, what d’you expect ‘im to say back, apart from, “You fuckin’ stupid fuckin’ cunt”?

    Dud: Well, I don’t … I don’t expect nothin’, do I?

    Pete: No …

    Dud: But the cunt come back with, “You fuckin’ cunt, cunt.”

    Pete: Oh Christ.

    Dud: I said, “You cunt?” I said, “You callin’ me a fuckin’ cunt? You fuckin’ …” I said, “You fuckin’ cunt.”

    Pete: Jesus Christ, yeah.

    Dud: I said, “You …,” I said, “You … you fuckin’ cunt!” …

    Pete: Yeah …

    Dud: … I said, like that.

    Pete: Yeah. You said it, like that, did you? To ‘im.

    Dud: Yeah.

    Pete: Or was ‘e gone by then?

    Dud: No, ‘e fuckin’ ‘it me. F— …

    Pete: ‘It you, did ‘e?

    Dud: Yeah, fuckin’ cunt.

    Pete: Killed you dead, did ‘e?

    Dud: No, ‘e … ‘e fuckin’ ‘it me.

    Pete: Yeah, …

    Dud: I said …

    Pete: … well …

    Dud: I said …

    Pete: … you can’t blame ‘im, can you?

    Dud: I said, “You … you rotter.”

    Pete: Yeah.

    Dud: An’ ‘e … ‘e went off.

    Pete: Did ‘e?

    Dud: An’ ‘e said, “You cunt,” again.

    Pete: Well, that’s the only way to deal with ‘im, isn’t it?

    Dud: Yeah, well, I showed ‘im, didn’t I?

    Pete: Yeah, well, you ‘ad to, didn’t you? You ‘ad to stand up for what you stood for, didn’t you?

    • Happy days. Loved Pete & Dud, Derek & Clive, Pete on his own in many guises. Much missed.

        • Me and a mate first heard Derek & Clive in 1976. We literally pissed our selves laughing. We still laugh about it to this very day. Good humour has all been eradicated now by the likes of the BBC etc. It’s dominated by cunts like Pisslop and Merton.

  12. You can’t say “muslimey cunts” on Facebook.
    I tried to go on fuckbook and was having trouble, when eventually i got a message telling me about some community (Facebook), and how this community was set up for doss cunts to create friendly conversation all over the globe or some shite.
    I had to agree to behave three times.
    I’m 42 ffs.

    Anyway my comment/post has been sent to mars or somewhere in case it crushes fragile eggshell minds.

    I was having a private conversation about a certain group who where caught preparing to attack Britain, and i get deleted for name calling????.

    Where was fuckbook when these cunts were planning to blow us up???

    “Muslime” is a word made up by Skidmark Eggfart. How the fuck did a fuckbook employee find that??????
    And how can they whinge?
    It’s a made up word ffs.

    I also got deleted on Caolan Robertson the other week. So fuck him

      • It was my comment about the hijab emoji that got deleted by Colon Dobbertson.

        I said “she looks like she’s up to something” and it got deleted.

        • Thats the thought police for you mate facebook is lefty as fuck they will take down people criticising islam but will leave live rapes, CP and murder videos up no problem

          Also China recently axed two chatbots artificial intelligence(low tier AI’s basically) for going against the state and refusing to submit to the communist party Just fucking wonky lol god news is so surreal nowadays http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-40815024

  13. Gawd i shouldn’t keep plugging him but SPivey has a new article out. Usual hilarious guff. I thought 1 claim he makes was worth pointing out.’ James Goldsmith Is the father of the fictional Princess Diana.’Ha ha ha ha ha. I almost fell out of my chair with that one. Classic.

    • Richard. We both know what a cunt he is ( we are both banned from there) but it helps to spread the word. I see he has his begging bowl out again.

  14. Let’s have a go at dropping my first cunting in for the diversity daleks down at the National Trust. Ever committed, allegedly, to developing and promoting equality of opportunity and inclusion in all that we do. But not thought apparently, freedom of thought ist verboten. Ok, you don’t wear the badge… YOU VILL VEAR THE BADGE!!! YOU VILL, YOU VILL, YOU VILL. Just. fucking. wow. I know this has probably been cunted before, probably under Cultural Marxism or some such “myth” that just so happens to be as cleverly concealed as Jeremy Beadles symmetrical hands… It’s like if Santa Clause rocks up at your front door on Dec 25 and waves his frost bitten cock in your face, pissed on Old English doing snow donuts on your roof while Mrs Clause looks on, wanking off one of the meatier looking ungulates.. You saw it, you know it happened. Then your ‘sane’ cunt of neighbour, who has just come back from his hiking holiday in Rwanda, cleaning his Prius whilst getting ready to start his new job as chief diversity coordinator at the Muslim women’s builder association (150kpa.. government funded, natch) tells you ‘There’s no such thing as Santa’…. yeah that.

    • I was recently threatened with arrest at a National Trust property. The “guard” tried to take my camera off me and call the police for trying to take a picture of a Grade 1 listed building that I had paid an entrance fee.

    • Those fuckers are the most militant cunts around. Extortionate car parking and entrance fees and the most soulless and miserable cafes, plonked in beautiful places, that they have monopoly over. The ultimate racket, driven by greed and so called ‘preservation’. What’s the fucking point of preserving when you price everyone out of visiting your strong holds. God knows how much money these cunts are making. Why can’t just paint the odd lintel and put on exhibitions with out moralising to their staff. I know many gay people, and I doubt they would give a fuck if some old fusty cunt working at a NT attraction was wearing a rainbow badge or not. Stick to crumbling buildings and shitty biscuits you self righteous custard stained arseholes.

  15. Just had the most depressing conversation with my other halfs 17 year old daughter. She thinks muslims and Islam are two different things. That muslims are good people (from all the videos she’s watched, she says) and Islam is something that they don’t have anything to do with and people are trying to link them too.
    This is the left wing lobotomy the media have done to facile lazy minds of the next generation. These simpletons are our future. We are truly and utterly fucked.

    • No wonder Compo Corbyn wants to make university free, an endless production line of lemmings who cant think for themselves and come out more stupid and ignorant than when they first went in.

    • Don’t bother trying to change it, or influence it.. I don’t. Nothing scares the brown shirts more than if you simply give your offspring the ability to freely think for themselves and let them make there own mind up based on seen facts and hard ‘in front of your eyes’ evidence. The schools hate it, but they can’t argue with it.

      • Its what the left thrives on, fake Facebook news and a diet of Guradianista BBC wankery with a healthy dollop of twitterati cuntary from whichever zeleb twat has morphed into a political authority on everything from Brexit to the Grenfell fire disaster.

        • Agree entirely, and I am sick of all this Grenfell shite…. Every virtue signaling cunt from John McDonnell and Lily Mong to Chocolate Walrus Abbott and Liam ‘I laugh at air crashes’ Gallagher saying the Grenfell fire was ‘murder’…. Funny, but I don’t recall any of these twatbags saying that the scores of sick, disabled and mentally ill people who died or committed suicide due to Duncan Smith, McVey (slag), and Osborne’s ATOS aided hounding were murdered…. Where was the outcry and indignation for them? Oh, I forgot…. Those people were mostly white and British….

          • Well if it was murder, then it’s down to the muzzie cunt whose fridge caught fire. And I have my suspicions as to how that happened.

  16. Encountered the late great Peter Cook in a shop doorway up North London way many moons ago. He was towards the end orf his decline, a tall gaunt sad figure in a stained dark blue suit and soiled sneakers on his size twelves. I looked him up and doine and smiled, touched by his seedy decay and blue watery alcoholic eyes. He smiled back and offered me a cigarette saying “We can both have a gasper if you have a light. I am trying to cut back so generally go out without matches…….”
    I took out my half empty box orf lucifers and thumbed through them then replied thus ” Sorry old heart, delighted to oblige but all me matches seem to be Dud’s.”
    He returned my angelic smile with a grimace orf yellow rodent like fangs. As I fucked orf he bellowed “Cunt”. I made no show orf having heard him and never saw him again but I do reflect upon the quirk orf fate that led me into the presence orf one orf life’s great cunts.

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