Ring Tones


In the old days a telephone just used to ring… Now we have cunts disturbing and annoying the fuck out of everyone within earshot with loud and irritating ‘tones…’

Everything from the Star Wars theme, the McDonald’s ‘whistle’ that disgusting cunt, Lord Sugar, saying ‘You’re Fired!’ to some crappy jungle music or rap shite blaring out…

Don’t these mongs realise it’s a telephone, not a fucking toy?!

Nominated by: Norman

52 thoughts on “Ring Tones

  1. It is high time that that fucking ignoramous actor luvie cunt Patrick Stewart was cunted . He has always been on the radar of cunts but he has overstepped the mark with his latest ‘comedy’ video in which he claims ( this is the serious part) that it was the European convention on Human rights which gave us in the UK , the right to a fair trial, protection from torture and the criminalising of domestic violence amongst other things. FFS !!!! This is the latest in the brainwashing of the populace to havthem think that none of these thing existed before ECHR. A similar strategy is underway with the EU. The EU won peace in Europe dont you know. Fucking cunts and useful idiots like Stewart are at the heart of this fucking nonsense.

      • To see Captain Slaphead making a complete arse of himself, check out a lurid 80’s scifi/horror movie called “Lifeforce” A complete dignity destroyer with inane dialogue, naked space vampires and London getting thoroughly trashed by zombies (not all bad then). Funny how this resolutely “socialist” actor boldly pissed off to America the second the Star Trek gig appeared…

    • Stewart’s Star Trek was shite too… Star Trek without Kirk, Spock and Bones is like is like Only Fools & Horses without Del, Rodders and Granddad… Some pretentious, dour bald cunt like Stewart and regular appearances by that megacunt, Whoopi Goldberg, are enough to sink any TV series…

      • Most remakes and spinoffs are total shite, especially in the case of Star Trek. At least do a bit of work, and write something original (but I’ll make an exception in the case of Hairy Prostate).

        A remake of the Daleks… Dawn French with a sink plunger strapped to her forehead…low-budget (ticks a lot of beeb boxes), about right for her two-dimensional acting and, having said that, pretty bloody scary!!

        The b/w original of “The Fly” was best!!

        • Star Trek The Next Generation, or “Invasion of the Space Liberals” A goody-goody future with no private property or free enterprise, everyone a uniformed Federation employee working for the collective good and preaching touchy feely righteousness whilst patrolling the Universe in a fucking huge heavily armed battleship. Honestly, did William Shatner & co phaser Klingons and shag green dancing girls for THAT? Pass the sick bucket.

      • I have some bad news for you, CBS have announced yet another Star Trek spin off. Although, given CBS’s habit of cancelling shows after one or two seasons, I’m sure it won’t last long.

        • Christ. There was a point about 15-20 years ago when it looked like everything on TV would end up as a Star Trek spin off.

  2. You’re right, Norman. The most irritating cunts are the ones on buses who let the ringtones go on forever before answering, just to make sure everyone is taking notice. And then talk twice as loud as they need to. Attention-seeking twats.

    • If they ain’t pissing us off with the ring tone they then walk aroubnd looking at their fone oblivious to the world about them, you constantly have to dodge the cunts when walking along the pavement.

      • Or the supermarket. Or the cinema. Or behind the wheel of a fucking car. How shit is your life if you have to experience most of it via a five inch screen. Smart phones, dumb cunts…..

      • They’re oblivious until they get within six feet of a bloke walking a nine stone Rottweiler. Face down, both thumbs probing the screen, wrapped up in their own little world.

        My favourite cunt’s trick is screaming ‘WAKE UP’!

        Watch them shit their pants and then apologise.

        The hound finds this fucking hilarious.

  3. The obnoxious ring tone is just another symptom of piss poor ‘phone etiquette inflicted upon us by the ‘entitlement generation’. I’m sure you’ve all noticed how cunts with mobile ‘phones seem to think that literally anywhere is a public ‘phone box when they make or receive a call. Sitting on the bus or train next to you. At the cash till in the supermarket. Any shop really. Any situation. They have absolutely no respect for personal space and think nothing of forcing you to overhear some mundane and utterly wank aspect of their pathetic lives. The one mobile ‘phone behaviour which pisses me off more than any other though is when you’re talking to someone face to face and their mobile ‘phone rings. They’ll answer it without a moment’s thought, like they think it’s OK to put you on pause while they deal with something else they automatically deem to be more important than you. The level of utter disrespect exhibited by these people just beggars belief. I used to wait for them to finish the call. Now I just walk away.

    I suppose in some ways it’s just a continuing evolution of piss poor manners, ignorance and conceit which I first noticed in the early ’90s. To be fair, Yanks did this, but Brits were almost as bad. I was working in an office near London at the time. Loads of Yanks were working there. I’d be on the (land line) ‘phone to someone talking about some work related issue and some dumbass Yank would stroll up to my desk and start talking to me, seemingly oblivious to the fact I was already engaged in another conversation with someone else. The big visual clue being me holding the telephone handset to the side of my head and speaking into it. You know, subtle enough such that you might miss it if you’re a retarded cunt. What they wanted me to do was acknowledge them, ask the person on the ‘phone to hold on while I dealt with whatever the fucking Yank wanted, then resume the call after said Yank had fucked off. That’s not how I roll. If I ignored them (my standard response I might add), they’d lean in towards me to emphasise their presence. Seriously! The Brits weren’t quite as bad. They wouldn’t start talking to me, but they’d stand there waiting for me to get off the ‘phone, assuming that I’d wrap up the call quicker because they were standing there waiting. That trick didn’t work either as I’d deliberately extend the conversation to make them wait longer or if the person on the other end of the line was done and hung up, I’d keep talking to give the appearance the conversation was still ongoing. Eventually they’d give up and fuck off. In either case, my thought was always – EVER HEARD OF EMAIL, DICKFACE?

    It’s about manners, respect and consideration for your fellow man. As we evolve and move forward, technology enables ever worsening standards of inter-personal communication. Email, text messages, FaceSpace, Twatter, (the appearance of) anonymity on the internet, you name it. It enables the under/uneducated to behave in ever worsening ways and the rest of us to be exasperated by it. Like many on here I’m sure, I’ve become very misanthropic over the years although I’d say I’m more non-social than anti-social. Most people I come into contact with are just scum and I do my best to limit my interactions with them. It makes for a more peaceful and less stressful life.

    • Oh good. It’s not just me then.

      Ignorant pricks who march up when I’m having a work related conversation and shout at me and then prattle on about a load of bollocks while I’m clearly on the phone sorting out their stupid fuck ups (I’m a trouble shooter. You pay me top dollar to come and fix your staff’s incompetent clusterfucks).

      I do the finger on the ear thing and look at them like they’re some kind of three year old banging a saucpan.

      • Another troubleshooter? I feel for you.

        I used to tell them I was the man with the big shovel there to shovel their shit and if they interrupted me again I’d use the fucking shovel on them…

        Another favourite was when I was berated by some cunt of a so called manager in front of his staff. I waited until lunchtime when he was sat with said staff and when he spoke to me informed him that I had nothing to say to him until he apologised for the way he spoke to me earlier. This didn’t go down well and my ‘manager’ gave me a bollocking. When he’d finished I politely informed him that he might have to put up with that sort of shit but I didn’t because I was self employed.

        When the contract same to an end, he tried to find somebody else but there wasn’t anyone around who knew how to do the job so he had to offer me an extension. I informed him that he should have acted more quickly as I had another client lined up. He then employed two permies to do what I used to do and according to one of my old friends there, they still couldn’t get it to work…

    • Eloquently put dear boy!
      I was in a class restaurant last week in Jockland. They sat us down with a young cunt on one side playing with his phone and another cunt on the other side with his laptop open on the dinner table. We asked to be moved to another table.

      The real joke was that the restaurant proudly proclaimed on it’s menu that it was a “mobile free zone”. My wife complained to the manager that you shouldn’t put it on the paperwork unless you’re going to enforce it. “What can I do?” she replied. “Ask them to desist or leave” I replied. She didn’t seem impressed.

      When commuting to London in the old days when I had to work for a living there was this bloke who got into the same seat every day (typical London commuter behaviour) and rang his employees to rip them a new arseholes and lay out his demands for the day. One bloke used to sit and do the crossword opposite him and tolerated this with the odd wizened look for several days. Eventually he snapped. Without saying a word, he got up and opened the window, grabbed the bloke’s phone and threw it out. He shut the window and sat down going back to his crossword. Neither of them said a word. The bloke just sat there with his mouth open.

      I applauded…

      • Tis indeed the saddest (in EVERY sense of the word) spectacle to see a group of people out for a pub / meal, half of them sitting down with laptops &c. Mind you, looking at the mong expressions on most of their faces, I suspect their conversational abilities are pretty limited…

    • Summed the whole problem up. At the age of 54, I just think that this whole mobile phone thing is a total heap of wank. Of course, I’ve got one, I’m a cunty hypocrite, but I keep out of the way, step into a corner somewhere when I have to fart around with the bloody thing (as I’m really NOT very techno)… With all these hipsters, PC cunts, labour wimmin &c. around, one does also like a bit of privacy when booking “Therapy” sessions and appointments with my personal assistant, Rita Chevrolet…

    • Wonderfully put. I also can’t abide people (an increasing number thereof, and not just youngsters either) who sit and play with the fucking things when you’re talking to them (their phones, not their cocks).

      • I’m only one lottery win from donning a Barbour jacket, and with a twelve bore under arm, telling some cunt to “get orf my land.” New money, eh Limply?
        On a more worrying note, when the queer chuckers from the religion of peace take over, it will have been missed by the masses, who will have been hypnotised by candy crush or pictures of each other’s dinners on Instagram.

      • Haven’t been to Gay Paree recently, but they always used to get their todgers out a lot on the metro…so I wonder if another great French tradition is dying out?

  4. The BBC’s FA Cup Final coverage needs cunting….
    Once done with dedication, humour and style (actually, ITV were always better at it though), the Cup Final is now yet another victim of BBC cuntitude… Some mong who call himself DJ Yoda (fucking sad bastard!) doing ‘loops’ of David De Gea muttering or LVG falling on his arse (someone should tell this nu-footie twat that ITV’s ‘The Big Match’ were doing comedy loops of footage in the early 70s)… And right now there is someone on, who can only be described as some sort of ‘theatrical’ golliwog on crack, mincing through the highlights of this season’s cup ties… A quite good tribute to Jimmy Hill was on before all this crap came on, and seeing all this celeb infested, PC, let’s have an OTT black presenter shite almost makes me miss old Chinny… Things ain’t what they used to be…

    • I’ve never been interested in football but I used to enjoy watching Saint & Greavsie with me Dad, couple of clowns but fun somehow and almost indistinguishable from their Spitting Image puppets.

      • Saint & Greavsie was great. Proper banter and much missed. Great shout out for the dynamic duo, especially as Greavsie is in such poor health these days.

    • ITV were also the first to introduce the football panel if I remember correctly. They had pundits such as Derek Dougan, Paddy Crerand, Brian Clough and such like. Brian Moore, legend.

      • Maximum respect for your Brian Moore legend comment. I salute you, Sir Vermin.

        • I can remember when Malcolm Allison was a pundit, smoking a cigar in the studio while giving his analysis of the match.
          Wasn’t a fan.
          Flash cunt.

      • Big Mal , Malcolm Allison, was great on the ITV football panel in the 70s… Brian Moore was the best, while Elton Welsby on Granada was a complete cunt…

        • Right on, Norm. Jim Rosenthal was also a large knobhead as well. He had that cheeky chappy grin about him which made you want to put your foot through the TV.

  5. ” not a fucking toy?!”
    Ah… but it is a toy my friend! if it has video games, social messaging, internet+porn, and a camera attached, its a bloody toy. Society is full of annoying bastards, we are all hopelessly addicted to computers and cellphone’s another reason is the bright light mimics daylight, Japs revenge hahaha.
    A song bout toys if anyones interested from a few old friendly faces https://youtu.be/5pPCYlYWO6w

  6. When I’m Benign Dictator, the very latest i-Phone will come with a “mass-suicide app”, thus triggering a march of hipster twats (and sad fuckers who simply MUST have the latest model) to throw themselves off Beachy Head, high buildings or invade Liverpule armed only with a copy of the Grauniad…

  7. Before long, you are going to get the chip planted in your head, and the content streamed directly to your brain. The high street will look more like the mall scenes from Dawn of the Dead (original, not the fucking remake!) than it already does now. I’ve just come back from that joyless chore that is shopping, or as I call it, trying not to punch cunts. I go trying not to punch cunts most weekends and I’m finding it more difficult as I get older. Thoughtless cunts on phones are probably number one on the fantasy kill list, just ahead of chuggers and broadband sales twats.

    • The original “Dawn” is a masterpiece, especially considering it’s low budget. The remake was just shit (I’ve been preparing a thorough cunting of Zack Snyder for a while now) and completely missed the point of the original. Funnily enough George Romero got the idea for the Mall setting from watching shoppers wandering around in a trance, and that was back in the 1970’s…

      • I too loved the original Romero zombie flicks. These modern day remakes have the zombies figuring stuff out, using weapons, sprinting after their prey, playing chess, forming debating societies, etc. FFS! Utter shite. The original mall one was good, but for me the scariest, most unnerving and gross one was Day of the Dead. Seeing that guy being pulled in two has stuck with me over the years. Horrific. Yikes!

        • Romero lost it big time with “Land of the Dead”. Critical praise for the subtle satire and social commentary in his earlier films went to his head and he overcooked it massively to the point where the viewer just feels like they’re being lectured. This from the man quoted as saying “just because I’m showing someone being disembowelled on screen doesn’t mean I’m getting heavy with a message”… Well, George , you did…
          Shame really as “Night” ” Dawn” and “Day of the Dead” were brilliant.

          • Yeah not every Romero film was a masterpiece but he made the zombie franchise popular. Strangely enough my favorite of his was night of the dead his 1st film because he made it on a tight budget. The black and white added to its image and overall feel.
            Walking dead on the other hand is shite 1st two series were decent but then it morphed into a soap opera.

      • @Mr Bastard
        Dawn of the dead never had a low budget your thinking of night of the dead, dawn cost 1.5million. Night only cost 114,000 which is bloody amazing but the dawn of the dead remake was shit far from horrible tho.

        • @Titslapper
          Spot on, curse my aging memory cells. Dawn does look like it cost much more to make than it did though (thanks to helpful local bikers, National Guard etc). Night of the Living Dead always makes me think of a 1950s movie until the entrail scoffing starts. I once read Stephen King’s account of how he saw it at a Drive Thru as a young man, loads of smartarse student types turned up to take the piss but at about 15 minutes in they all went pale and shut up. An utterly remorseless movie…
          “They’re coming to get you Barbara”

          • Romero’s zombie films leave all others far, far behind. I quite like his latest ones as well. zombie Flesh Eaters / Zombi 2 – pick a title there’s loads to choose from – is great on a different level. I was pleasantly surprised by the remake of Dawn, obviously zombies shouldn’t run, but I thought it was alright. Just think they should have made an original film rather than riding on Dawn’s memory.

    • The Japs have developed a phone that implants in the cavity behind your ear. I kid you not. Pretty good way of keep track of people but I understand they are having a problem with the batteries. I suggest they could shove those up their arse?

    • It already does look like Dawn of the Dead, Mouth Breathing imbeciles hopped up on cheap credit and perennially envy, driven by a desire to only to outdo the other knuckle dragger cunts. They don’t need electronics to wander round with extended mandible making ‘belm’ sounds, its the default look for the masses.

      Along with telling people they need a holiday repeatedly. And they are all usually in a rush to get home or to work, and do fuck all.

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