Management speak


Management speak is hereby nominated for a good Cunting……

Before I saw the light it had been my great misfortune to be at some management meetings; fuck knows how I got roped in, made to wear a collar and tie, talk about a duck out of water.

Anyhoo. I thought senility had set in when I couldn’t follow some of the tossers. I understood all the words, but I’ll be fucked if I knew what they were on about. I give you some of the those that make the old eyelid twitch and the fingers long to be holding a cunting stick. Best grade one Cunting sticks are usually made from ash and are normally supplied with an optional attachment called a pick at the business end.

Prime examples of fucktard speak:

ballpark figure – Never wanted to own a ball park.
mission critical – Is it about to explode?
think outside the box- Not if you’re an opening bat facing Big Bird you don’t.
blue-sky thinking – Where I’d rather be than here.
there is no ‘I’ in team – *Mutter* “But there is in TIT!” (Which is why I don’t need to attend management meetings any more).
take it to the next level – Which apparently is not an invitation to engage in fisticuffs. (Ditto above).
put the toothpaste back in the tube – Which resulted in coffee snot and a one way ticket back to my lurry cab (showing my age there) and my card marked: ‘attitude issues’.

I’m sorry management I only speak English and a colloquial variant of Anglo Saxon at the best of times, you fuck-pig Cunts!

Nominated by: King Cnut

23 thoughts on “Management speak

  1. I have a friend who is a management consultant.

    They have devised a version of bullshit bingo for long boring meetings.

    The usual suspects appear. Throwing baby out with bathwater, run it up the flagpole and see who salutes, blue sky thinking etc.

    The centre square is occupied by ‘relationship interfaces’.

    In human language this means ‘people that you know’.

    What a bunch of cunts.

  2. Top tip: make up your management speak, nobody will have a fucking clue what you are talking about BUT they will be too scared to ask what you mean as they will be thinking you are clearly more intelligent than them. Remember folks Bullshit Baffles Brains.

  3. Do people really still talk like this? It only goes to show how out of touch with reality they are that they can talk this shite and not know that others think they are a pretentious bell end.

    Its all part of the trivialization of the English Language which has of course come from the good old US of A. Text speak has become the norm and even some English teachers are saying that proper grammar, punctuation and spelling are not as important being understood. Wrong you daft cunts, the rules of THE language are there to ensure that you are understood. Cunts like that won’t be satisfied until we are communicating in a series of grunts. If that is what you want then fuck off to Scotland!

    • And while I’m about it anyone who used the prefix “de” to a verb to make it’s antonym is a stupid cunt who deserves a spark plug up the arse. Prime example is de-escalate, much beloved of the idiotic cunts who present SKY news. CUNTS!

    • A pretentious cunt I know recently recently got himself in what he referred to as ” business to business communication consultancy work_,” turned out the wanker is doing some sort of telesales work. Laughed so much I nearly pissed me self, which isn’t difficult at my age. Thank God for Tenalady .

    • That was really funny , those traffic wardens are cunts but It seems the guy was in the wrong I could be wrong although I agree they are way too expensive ,corrupt cunts in parliament.

      • Appeal every ticket.

        The only ticket I have ever had in my life came from Brighton fucking council after the adhesive on the ticket warmed up and fell off the window.

        The pair of barely English speaking pieces of walking dog faeces that were dressed in Brighton parking S.S. Garb said that I could appeal the ticket, and as it was actually still valid there should be no problem.

        Six months later and several letters from me and several threats of legal action by AIDS central council, I tracked down the Marxist piece of shit that is responsible for parking fines home address.

        With a letter stating that this is clearly personal. Brighton council were copied in.

        The ticket was canced within 7 days and I got a letter telling me how merciful they are.

        No apology though.


        • Friend of mine got caught on a camera, received a FPN through the post, he binned it, never heard anything else.
          ALL FPN’s are illegal, they demand payment but YOU have to sign it (a confession).
          That’s not legal, that’s entrapment
          If you HAD broken the law, not a statute, you would be summoned, not offered a £20 fine if you pay in 7 days and sign the confession


  4. In the late 90’s I was in a meeting where I first heard someone say (regarding a previous issue) “I’ve actioned that”. My heart sank, and has never risen.

  5. YARD CATS shit in a cement sack and put it in the drum and pour drained oil over it too keep warm
    I miss tiddles but he passed away in august poor little fella(with his little maggot riddled body) was scooped up with a shovel and thrown over a fence
    These fucking things are not in the real world ?

  6. I have had to sit through numerous meetings with some pretentious idiot spouting all sorts of management double speak

    One clown proudly produced a new organisation structure that had “horizontal and vertical reporting lines” . He seemed very proud of this.

    Six months later, same clown unveiled another new organisation structure saying we had been “happy sized” , which was a euphemism for 1/3 of the staff getting made redundant.

    The real problem was we were all fairly shit at what we did

  7. Some of the wise words from an old area manager/team leader

    “Great idea, but we’ll put that on the back burner for a bit” = shit idea you cunt

    “Don’t think outside the box, think inside the box” = I still have no fucking idea what that means

    “We need to coagulate these notions” = I’m stealing your two ideas and putting it forward as mine

  8. The only meetings I’ve ever been involved Army NCO’s and Officers. We tended not to use management. Although, we did once have a brand new 2nd Lieutenant who used the phrase ‘think outside the box’ in a meeting. This was followed several seconds of silence, followed a Captain saying, ‘TWAT’! and then more silence. Our CO at the time then said, “Lieutenant, if you’re going to insist on bringing that type of language HERE, then I’m afraid I shall have to insist on Sarn’t Major Brown (me), beating the living shit of you. This is the Royal Artillery, man.Save it for the infantry”.

    For the record, Sgt Major Brown (retired), is 6’5″ and built like a Challenger 2. And that’s not a brag, it’s a simple biological fact. I’m naturally large. I weighed 11lbs 3oz when I was born. For some reason, I featured in many of the CO’s threats. I dunno why, I’m not that violent.

  9. Of course, my reply should have included the words ‘in’, ‘speak’ ‘by’ and ‘out’. Once again, my fingers prove to the world that I am a shite typist.

  10. …. and the mixture with lame sports cleeshays from fucking sports that only retarded America pig bastard play (cheat at with drugs and violence):

    “I might be coming out of left field, but I’m stepping up to the plate to say at the end of the day it’s a win-win scenario. Being clinical in the box I think we should offer double Nectar points to Mongolians-of-color who stick bread knives up their mother’s arse-holes so they have something spread on their toast.”

  11. Don’t get me started on those fucking Yanks!
    Gotta love the fact they have a World Series (Baseball) but as far as I know it is only for US & Canadian teams, fucking cunts.
    And they always go on about VIP’s (very important player) and Hall Of Famers.
    The US are the biggest shower of cunts on the planet

  12. I used to be a trainer for the UK Civil Service and once, for a joke, designed a “Learning Level Matrix” for feedback. Unbelievably it was adopted natioanally. It was total shite! I took early retirement…wonder why!

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