Let me declare me interest. Generations of Stokes have farmed land bordering the River Wye. Beautiful part of the country you may say. Fucking swamp ever since the Enviroment Agency clones decided in secret to dismantle our sea defences and land drainage systems in use since the Bronze Age. Encourage wildlife by turning everything back 3500 years to swamp and marsh (and drown a few foxes and badgers)? Barbour wearing slap head bum boys.
Point is in the Bronze Age there were only about 20,000 tossers. Now there are over 60 million all crapping on the same land mass. We have been killing orf wildlife and draining land to make room ever since.
So came the day this little metrosexual camp cunt with a BBC Presenter speech defect drives up in a fully loaded Range Rover. Was sporting a flat cap and a Barbour jacket with a buggers flap at the back and a built in wanking pocket. Me land down by the river has been designated a twansient wetland. What the fuck? Apparantly this is to create habitwat for the Siberwian Snow Goose and other twansient migwants. Not for Poles or Womanians then. Oh and we must dismantle our dwainage pumps and allow our small stweams and becks to silt up or face massive fines. Any compo for me inconsolable loss? Fuck off John. So sorwy.
Now for years I have employed an old cunt Gollum lookalike with webs on his bollocks to go out in all weathers to wank in the mud and clear me ditches. Almost part of the family. Had to dismiss the old degenerate on the spot and get a new tenant for his cottage. These ministry cunts have no idea the inconvenience they visit upon wurwal communities.
Good news sorted out the feathered fuckers short order. Little shooting party with a brace of Purdeys (shotgun of choice for the sporting aristo you cunts) apiece. Spiked the buckshot with a few Russian nail heads from a spot of Ikea flatpack to make our Siberwian visitors feel at home.
Dreaming of the day I’ll have Lord Smith of Finsbury in me sights. Trouble is he would probably enjoy a spot of buckshot up the arse. Cunt.
Nominated by: Sir Limply Stoke