Dear Sir:

I write this letter to formally request your services in evaluating the cunt status of one Robert Swan Mueller, III. It is my firm belief that the evidence supports my allegation that he is indeed a cunt.

Mr. Mueller is a lawyer and the former FBI director in America. He is also, despite his fearmongering about Russian influence and his claims of impartiality, connected to the Russians in numerous ways himself (Besides “cunt”, you could accurately describe him as a “Russian bag man”, since he personally delivered uranium to a Russian plane on a tarmac, on the orders of Hillary Cunton herself). His successor, Andy McCabe (also alleged to be a cunt), was recently caught violating the Hatch Act by using the FBI for politically-motivated (against Trump) purposes. Mueller himself appears to have played a part in the plan to frame Trump for “colluding with Russia”, which was something that Mueller’s subordinates touted as an “insurance policy” in the unlikely event that he was elected. These seditious, conspiratorial, rat faced cunts are intent on replacing the somewhat ridiculous but well-intentioned Trump, with a pedigreed cunt like Canada’s mascot Turdeau (an unapologetically proud cunt just like his father), or a fellow pinko like France’s Macron (who for some reason can’t tell he’s a cunt, and fancies himself the next Napoleon). I am fairly certain that conspiring against a sitting president, and to go against the will of the electorate, is illegal. It might even be sedition or treason. And it’s definitely something a cunt would do.

With this evidence to consider, I’m nominating Mr Mueller for official cunt status. The issue has become quite contested as of late, because of some cunts (in the American media) that tell us he’s a respectable gentleman who should be trusted to run this important investigation, and that he is absolutely not a cunt, despite the overwhelming amount of evidence to the cuntrary.

Your attention to this matter is required urgently, as in some circles, this controversy has gotten quite heated on a number of occasions and debates have degenerated into huge brawls and the police pressing charges against several from the “he is not a cunt” crowd, for assault, buggery, and other various charges the cops sometimes stick cunts with. It is my hope that your certification of Mr. Mueller aids in resolving this tense situation, thus giving hope to America in a time of unprecedented division amongst its people.

Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Yours, etc,
Mike Hunt.