A couple of days ago my beloved whispered into my ear those words every bloke longs to hear; ‘I need some new winter clothes’. For fuck’s sake woman, it seems like only last week that you needed some new summer clothes.

Seeing the look on my face, she offered her deal. ‘If you come and help me choose, I’ll buy you lunch’. Well there was an offer I couldn’t refuse, especially when she told me she’d be looking for lingerie into the bargain.

So off we went around what seemed like every shop in town, where she was in and out of the changing room like a rat up a drainpipe. ‘Do you like this, or the previous one?’. ‘The previous one’. ‘What’s wrong with this one?’. Fuck me.

To amuse myself on the many occasions that she disappeared between the rows of mannequins and the racks of clothes, I looked at the huge pictures of the women modelling each store’s range of gear. Now do you remember the time when these would feature some drop dead gorgeous babe looking like a million dollars? Well that ain’t no longer so. No, it seems that in these ‘woke’ days, you’ve got to go for a different, more ‘realistic’ approach with your models; for which read ‘ugly’. Or fat. Or ugly and fat. Or ugly, fat and effnick;

ugly.org

Now if you happen to be a bit ‘between genders’ as a model, you can really cash in these days

ugly.org 2

Cosmic. I mean for fuck’s sake, when blokes are being trailed around the shops, THIS is what they want to see on offer in the pictures on the walls;

The rest of you ugly cunts can do one. Stores, you’re doing yourselves no favours as far as any normal bloke’s concerned with this sort of display. Give us our fantasies back, you cunts.

annsummers

Nominated by Ron Knee.

Tributes are left outside the hotel where Liam Payne, former One Direction band member, was found dead after he fell from a third-floor hotel room balcony, in Buenos Aires, Argentina October 18, 2024. REUTERS/Tomas Cuesta

is a cunt.

Had thought that the death of this no balls would have attracted comment from honourable members but not as far as I can see (I am often wrong). The now mega out of proportion howls of anguish from the meejah brain drool have continued as news daily since the actual event on Oct 16th. To recap the pop star (so called) with an outfit name of One Direction fell/was pushed from a third floor hotel balcony early AM (Oct 16th) in Buenos Aires Argentina and deceased from multiple injuries. Post mortem reveals quantities of drugs and alcohol in his system plus a police search which revealed more quantities of drugs and alcohol in his trashed hotel room. What a surprise (too bad, never mind).

Now customary outpouring of grief and tributes from usual suspects continues to lead the news – Elton John, Prince Edward, Cheryl Cole, Ed Sheeran, Robbie Williams and similar end of life celebs riding the wave of grief jacking to perk up their failing careers stuck in Declining Celebrity Hell. To compound the pathetic BBC News/Sky News/ITN et set up 24hr feeds of fans queuing up outside the Death Hotel to pay respects and take selfies on the piece of now iconic pavement upon which Liam got splattered. Would not mind one myself but cannot be arsed to go to Argentina (there’s a song title in there somewhere). Also reported that Liam, as well as being pissed and drugged up, was depressed due to the record company being reluctant to extend his contract.
Pissed, drugged up and depressed. A contemporary opera of life. You only go in one direction Liam.

independent

news northeastern

A typically unvarnished account of the death featuring photos of the hotel room from our friends in Aus.

news.com.au

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke.

are cunts.

Oh dear. It has come to pass, I have had to cunt myself. There are a set of simple rules for this site, one of them being not to comment on the noms. I transgressed. And that got me thinking – why can’t people, including me, follow simple rules – I see it everyday:
– don’t park on the grass verge – they do
– don’t litter – they do
– clear up your dog shit – they don’t
And if I can’t follow simple rules, then how can I complain about anyone else?

Nominated by Lord Cuntingford.

Alex Salmond has died at the age of 69. Well that’s a very comfortable position.
It seems he died by over exerting himself when opening a bottle of tomato sauce
in Macedonia. I am awaiting the coroner’s report to see if he died
by being clogged up with shortbread. It seems he didn’t pay the travel
insurance because his supporters wanted the RAF to repatriate his body with
a special flight. Scotland doesn’t have its own air force of course.

Alex Salmond: A disgraced former first minister, political opportunist, fat cunt.
His critics were less kind. This is the man who sued his own lawyer
who kept the fat pest out of jug. He was suing the Scottish Parliament
for £1m for God knows what. A man who uses the law to his own advantage
and not for justice. The man who campaigned for decades to separate Scotland from the rest of the UK. The man whose opinions caused arguments in families and between friends. An arse hole. Good riddance.

I just wish someone would stand up in parliament and say that.

The herald

Nominated by Anton Pillar.

This nomination comes to you, with grateful assistance from Irving Berlin, as well as all the TV ads for funeral plans and Over 50s insurance, where a glamorous widow is seen smiling through her tears and looking beautiful, fragrant and helpless as she gases wistfully at her little children, who she wishes would fuck off out of it:

“Smile, even though your heart is breaking,
Smile even though it’s aching,
You’ll fina smile is really worthwhile……”

Kate Garroway, former news “presenter” has invented a new career for herself, promoting herself as the grieving widow telling us in short order through TV and print journalism “My first week without Derek”. “My son/daughters first birthday without Derek”, “My first summer without Derek”. “Darling Derek cost me thousands for his care till he kicked the bucket”, and now – the ultimate sob story “My first Xmas without Derek”.

After “I Love Lucy” (and didn’t we all?) came to an end, for many years Miss Ball had a series based on a book or play called “Life Without George” (not a lot of people know that) – it was just life without Dezi Arnez, as they divorced during the Lucy Show run.

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now – but please, Ms Garroway, shut the fuck up – you are getting boring:

the sun

Nominated by W. C. Boggs.