Older cunters will no doubt recall the 60s Aussie group The Seekers, who were fronted by singer Judith Durham. Not so many may be aware that in fact, Judith Durham was born Judith Cock. You can understand why she felt compelled to adopt a different surname for performance purposes.

It must be a pain to have to go through life with an unfortunate surname. Cock is pretty bad, but imagine you’re a Ballsack, Bastard, Booby, Bellend or Bollock. How about being lumbered, as some poor sods are, with the name Fart (or Farter), or Fuck (or Fucker)? And let’s not forget all the Craps, Piddles, Wanks, Arses and Cunts; they’re out there, no kidding.

Then there are the those whose thoughtless parents made a bad choice for a Christian name to go with their surname; ‘Hi, I’m Richard Head. People call me Dick’, or ‘John Hass, people call me Jack’. I used to work with a guy called Dick Burns. Inevitably, people would refer to him (with a snigger) as ‘Dick Burns, the man not the disease’.

Sadly a rare combination of surnames can sometimes result in shame and ridicule being heaped upon you for no fault of your own. Back in the 60s, Villa’s midfield was made up of Jimmy Brown, Oscar Arce, and Barry Hole. Imagine being on the Holte End week in week out, listening to the opposition fans (esp. those from Small Heath Alliance) chanting ‘your midfield’s a BrownArceHole, do dah, do dah’. I still shudder with humiliation even after all these years.

Yes, an unfortunate surname can be a Twatt of a thing, a proper Schitt in fact. If you’re a Smith or a Jones, remember that it could be worse. Much worse.

house of names

Nominated by Ron Knee.

 
A well deserved cunting for Arla Foods and Lurpak butter.

Why, you may ask could butter qualify for a 12-bore double-barrelled cunting.
These cunts have just reduced the sizes of their packs of Lurpak by 20% but, in their words when I phoned them “to keep the price point affordable in these difficult times”
What a load of horseshit, this is 20% shrinkflation. The crafty cunts have used a slightly differently shaped and similar height container with the same sized lid to disguise the loss of 100g. The original pack had 500g prominently displayed, the “new improved we care about you, price point” container only has the weight on the base. The block butter has also been “increased in size from 250g up to 200g, right out of fucking 1984.
The original 500g price in Morrison’s was £3.75. The “New” 400g pack was on “special offer” for £2.75 reduced from £3.75. Bait and switch, so that in a couple of weeks the “special price” reverts to the old price. So much for those crocodile tears, caring a fuck about “the cost of living crisis”

I bought 4packs without noticing the change, until I got home and started a pack. Noticed the weight reduction and took the lot back for a refund. After a bit of fuss, Morrison’s refunded my money. Went to Lidl, bought their own brand offering, 500g at £2.19. Fuck Lurpak, bollocks to Arla and sod Morrisons for this conspiracy to defraud the public.

Had to go to Morrisons again, noticed some 500g packs left, got them at the reduced price. I am a tightfisted cunts and don’t like being fucked around, so a small victory for once. It’s Lidl for most stuff now.

FINALLY:-
If you’ve watched the very expensive Lurpak advert, “Just cook”, I think it’s better stated as “Just Crooks”. CUNTS.

Other “brands indulging in “shrinkflation” Cathedral City 350g going to 300g and Anchor 500g to 400g and 250g to 200g. Plus loads of things even “own brands” being hiked, Morrison’s, that’s YOU, canned soups 49p 2 yes ago, now 85p. Fuck em,

Rant over.

Mirror

Nominated by Sheikh Anvakh.

 
In fact I would go as far as to say that it is a massive pile of steaming horse shite of a cunt.

I live in the Lincolnshire country side and feel privileged in doing so. I have a dog and have fields footpaths and woods near by in which I can walk the little fucker. Being a responsible dog walker I pick his shit up and put it in a bin.

Horse owners ride their horses around the same fields paths and woods but never clean up after their horse as left a stone of shit on the floor. Why? small shovel or trowel shopping bag and take it home for your roses you cunt.

Apparently councils do not have the power to make riders clean up after their nags.

So there you have it dog owners can get fined horse owners can’t. What a pile of fucking bullshit.

get surrey

Nominated by Everyonesacunt.

 
What can we do to aliviate the pressure on GPs, who are having to see increasing numbers of patients ( I wonder why), but with GP numbers decreasing?

I know, says some bright spark, ( cunt that they are) let’s introduce a new role, the Care Navigator, who’ll be well worth the extra costs to the practice because?

Well, basically, they’ll be there to redirect you to A&E, the pharmacist, a nurse practitioner, or Boots medicine counter. In other word, the doctors receptionist on steroids.

Want to see a GP?
You’ll be able to see one in a zoo, soon, as they become the rarest of Homo Sapiens.

Mirror

Nominated by Jeezum Priest.

My ancestors turned a few duckets (gold coin) out of slavery. Am I sorry for it? Fuck no. Will I be joining the litany of woke crokes bemoaning and bewailing the barbaric trade? Fuck no. Am I cashing in my land and bank balance (generated by the heinous shenanigans of my ancestors) to offer compo for having dragged the indigenous darlings out of darkest Africa? Fuck no. Best thing that ever happened to them.

This great and glorious Kingdom stands accused of ripping children from their mothers arms and subjecting them to short and squalid lives of toil and abject poverty. Gimme Compo White Oppressor. Oh no. Lucky them.

Mother Africa (she of disease, hunger and pestilence) was the real enslaver, their Fathers and Chiefs the Slave Takers who rounded them up and sold them on to visiting Arab Slavers who in turn sold then on to the French and Belgians, the Germans, the Dutch, the Portuguese, the Spanish and later the British and the Americans. Without that turn of good fortune they would have had little or no education and no opportunity to make their fortune in drugs and prostitution on the streets of our fair cities.

Where would the scammers of Nigeria be now without the access to our technology and bank accounts and dating sites.
Far from offering mewling pleas of forgiveness (fuck you Justin Welby) we are the ones who should be compensated by them for all we have given them over the generations.

American conservative

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke