are cunts.
Hallo nochmal, meine kleinen Biertrinker
It all started quite a while ago
.
When there was an earthquake somewhere the news people would all say “… and that measured 5.6 on the Richter scale”.
Don`t know about you, but how many other fucking earthquake scales do you know? Now they just say “magnitude 5.6”– it took about 70 years for them to drop the `Richter` bit.
What has persisted though are a few annoyingly (to me) random phrases.
Cliché №1 – An area the size of Wales.
Unfortunately, I know where Wales is, but I have absolutely no fucking idea how big the thing is. But suppose this story was going out internationally; how many Americans would know what the size of Wales is? How many Americans would know where Wales is, for that matter? I suppose they could change it to “an area the size of Texas”. And we`re back to square one.
Cliché №2 – The weight of about 4 elephants.
African or Indian? Male or female? How many London double-decker buses does that equate to? As if suddenly the penny drops when they use that comparison – Ja!, it all makes sense, now I know how heavy that thing is when you compared it to the elephants!
I won`t go on, but I`m sure you catch my drift.
I do know this, though. Most of the Kinder who pass for `journalists` these days after doing a YouTube course via soshullmeeedia possess the journalistic knowledge of a whelk. Or, to put it another way, the knowledge all of them have could be all tattooed on the balls of an ant.
Poland, of course, is a different matter
Nominated by Adolph Schicklgrüüber, seconded by Geordie Twatt.
I would like to second Herr Schicklgruber’s nomination of Meaningless Dimensional Comparators with three of my own:
1. Football pitches
Flabbott’s/Nugee’s/Lizzo’s bloomers cover the same area as 14 football pitches.
2. Double decker buses end to end
Flabbott’s/Nugee’s/Lizzo’s bloomers would cover 50 double decker buses parked end to end.
3. Times around the world
The elastic from Flabbott’s/Nugee’s/Lizzo’s bloomers, stretched to its limit, would go 3 times round the world.
Pointless drivel churned out for those whose cerebral development came to a grinding halt in kindergarten, eh Adolph?
Ive told you a million times dont exaggerate.
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4. Postage stamps
The garden’s the size of a postage stamp
Or
Rachel Reeves’s knowledge of economics could be written on the back of a postage stamp.
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‘not enough room to swing a cat’…
Why would I?
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That actually refers to the cat-o-nine tails, Mis.
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I had to go outside to change my mind.
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With a lot of room left on the stamp. It gave me a laugh seeing as the know nothing cunt got outed by Guido Fawkes as to her economist revelations.
Surely she should do the honourable thing and resign? Oh silly me, she is not honourable like the rest of the troughing cunts.
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The only thing I know about Wales is that it’s chock full of racist dogs..
And climate cunt beaker has been round the world at least once, his legs must be worn to a nub with all that walking.
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How do you identify a racist dog? Do they run around with swastika leg bands? We all know where this shit is coming from, our peaceful friends.`
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Cost equivalent to buying X no of Mars Bars?
The elephant in the room?
5
Nipples like chapel hat pegs 😂
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Nipples like Spitfire pilots thumbs.
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Nipples like Scammell wheel nuts
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Nipples you could hang a wet duffel coat on.
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JCB starter buttons
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Nipples like hamburgers.
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The equivalent weight of 30 hamsters or three whippets….
I like it when measurements and weights are broken down in animal form.
It’s more relatable.
Better than metric system anyway.
My cock is the equivalent of a gorillas arm clutching a grapefruit.
Marvelous 👍
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What hairy and tart?
6
Evel kneivel started that London bus thing back in the 70s.
It was the only measurement he knew.
He had a lovely jumpsuit with a little cape!
It could double as a tourniquet when he inevitably ended up mangled on the tarmac.
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The metric system is more mathematically elegant and unified so in that sense IT makes more sense, but you can’t beat good, old-fashioned colloquial usage – if imperial measurements were a language, I’d be a native speaker.
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Katie Price…….
The combined length of cock she has had up her would stretch to the moon…… And back.
The amount of spunk she has gargled could fill 3 Olympic swimming pools.
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With all the plastic surgery she’s had done, would amount to her having quadruple sisters.
2
The bomb shattered an area the length and circumference of an elephants cock on heat.
4
There are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on a beach.
5
The extraordinary fact is that there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on the entire planet Earth.
And there are more atoms in a grain of sand than there are stars in the universe.
And there are more people in Britain who want to see the Labour government immolated in the directors cut remastering of the Gunpowder Plot than there are atoms in all of the stars in the universe.
5
When you sneeze, snot comes out faster than a jet fighter.
4
A romantic cliché I like to whisper to a lady as I gaze lovingly into her eyes:
“You’ll be screaming louder than Maddy.”
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17 years later and it still seems too soon. That being said, I have laughed at, and even told, a few Maddy jokes in my time.
2
Hotter than the surface of the sun.
Your skin, if stretched out, would cover the area the size of a squash court.
Your intestines are the same length of 2 cricket pitches.
I could go on….. But I won’t.
5
An everyday meaningless measure for us Brits must be the media obsession, even post Brexit, with the kilometre.
Tell me something is 25 miles long and I can picture it, but kilometres?
I need to get the calculator out.
It can’t just be me, surely?
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Correct FM.
Kilometres are the work of Belgians or some other utterly disgraceful “continental” country.
Ban the cunts.
8
It’s not just you. I was born in 1982 so I grew up using both types of measurements (or whichever on is more commonly used). I use miles over kilometres and pints over litres. I say my weight in stones and pounds even though everything is sold in KGS and I say my height in feet and inches, even though a lot of things are measured in metres.
5
I’m a bit older than yourself and was taught both at school.
Now when I measure, it’s a strange amalgam of imperial for the big stuff and metric for the small.
Confusing as fuck for others, but it works for me, so fuck em.
3
OK….. One more.
All the people on Earth could fit on the Isle of Wight.
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Those little ferries and hovercrafts will be busy though.
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Isle of White?
Sounds like my kinda place!
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Longer than the queue at Bradford job centre plus.
5
Yeah another thing that boils my piss is this shit method of explaining how much cheap green energy a few poxy windmills will produce. “A spokesperson for fuck you energy has stated that their latest wind farm will produce enough energy to power 300,000 homes if the wind blows and the shitty windmills don’t break down”. The government has supported this venture and will pay fuck you energy if the wind doesn’t blow and offer them financial support as we head towards power cuts.
6
How about ‘Since records began’?
A favourite of the climate evangelists who can apparently predict, from a hundred years of records of varying accuracy, what will happen to a 4.6 billion year old planet.
Or, if you’re Sky Sports, the assumption that top level professional football started in 1992.
5
When it comes to the climate scaremongering, they never mention factors like our planets eccentric orbit can at times bring us closer to the sun, or how solar activity can affect the climate.
I’ve heard it said that if average global temperatures rise by 2% then all of the methane hydrate frozen at the bottom of the ocean will bubble up and release into the atmosphere, slowly making the atmosphere unbreathable….. I’m fairly sure that Earth’s average global temperatures were much higher in the past than they are now.
5
Poster at work: “Only boil the water you need in the kettle. A full kettle boiled emits the equivalent weight of a bunch of bananas in CO2 over a year”.
A very obscure form of measurement and unclear at to whether the bananas are those little Chiquita ones or the ones the size of a plantain.
Not that I give a shit either way, because it’s not my electricity.
4
Similar to the whole “the size of Wales thing”, in my home town, when somebody over-elaborates in order to say something which would have been said more succinct, we say “you went 3 miles round the Wrekin just to say something so simple?”. Who outside of Shropshire and the West Midlands is going to know what the fuck the Wrekin is?
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