Losing a Personal Item

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Be it a phone, a bunch of keys, a pet, or anything else, is a cunt!

Well I would consider myself to be a responsible person, but only a few days ago, I lost my wallet. Sure, with panic mode, now setting in, I traced my last steps, before I realise it is gone. There is a tendancy here to check the same place, more than once. So the first thing I need to do is to cancel my debit card. That was the easy bit, & Lloyds were great. They answered my call in less than three minutes, & I actually spoke to a real human! As I was on my online banking screen at the same time of my call, I guess they realised it was me.

My Oyster card replacement however cost me £7 to replace, & my Railcard another £15. They needed a crime number for that if it had been stolen. Three days later an elderly man, possibly in the act of a call of nature, stepped on my property, on an overgrown grassy verge. He told me “It was soft, I thought I had stood on a baby hedgehog, until I looked down, & realised what it was.” The poor chap had a hell of a time, trying to get me reunited with my property. Due to data protection laws, no cunt was helpful. I am still waiting for communication from some of the contacts, he tried.

Even the police were not interested, but, I am sure, if there had been ten wraps of Charlie kicking about in there then I might have got a much quicker response. Eventually though he managed to find someone he knew on Facebook. I guess they are good at something! I rewarded that guy well, he is a hero. Nice to know that there are still people like him about.

Any Cunters out there with a similar experience? We have all lost something.

(Day Admin could tell us about losing his virginity. Oh wait, that hasn’t happened yet – NA)

Nominated by : “What’s so funny, about Biggus Diccus?”

69 thoughts on “Losing a Personal Item”

  1. (Day Admin could tell us about losing his virginity. Oh wait, that hasn’t happened yet – NA).
    I could you about losing mine…it was a strange and surreal experience, but very sexy.
    Although my ass hurt for days afterwards.

  2. Once when walking the dog in the morning I found a wallet.

    I opened it and it had I.D ,bank card,but no money.

    I found the address for the owner and on my way to a job I pulled up and dropped it off.

    It belonged to a young bloke,
    The cunt didn’t even thank me.

    I hope next time he loses life saving medication because if I find it I’ll leave it on the grass where the dozy cunt dropped it.

    • I had a similar experience one time Miserable.

      When at uni, I found a wallet, the sum total of its contents being a student union card and a johnny (the latter unopened, I hasten to add).

    • I found a wallet like that on a dog walk. I took it to the owner and all he could say was there was 300 quid in it when he lost it. Like I’d taken it.

      I get losing 300 quid sucks but fuck me a thanks instead of an accusatory look would have been nice.

      • I’d have chucked it in the nearest bin, Six.

        As if you were going to pull a wedge out and peel off £300, what a fucking knob.

        Still, lesson learnt, eh?

  3. I once lost my heart to a starship trooper,or was it a troop of monkeys?

    That was a bizarre Friday in Brixton..

  4. Within the last year I found a wallet on a seat in a pub and a purse on the ground outside a shop. Both stuffed full of money and containing several bank cards.

    That’s why I am sending this from the Bahamas.

  5. If anyone finds the worlds largest butt plug in a London taxi, please get in touch with Lord Mandy, who hasn’t been able to get off the lavatory for three days now. It’s all that holds him together.

      • I don’t think that would be big enough for the Mandy rectum, Thomas. That poor sod of a Brazilian it’s married to deserves a medal. Fancy having to look at Mandy’s arsehole winking at you every night!

  6. Found a bag on a train.
    $1500 in cash , bank cards , passports, medication. Family photos, travel tickets. Whole bleeding holiday in a bag.
    Contacted the owner and Handed it into Transport police at the station.
    It belonged to a elderly American couple over here visiting family.
    They got everything back the next day.
    Week later I won £500. . Nice…

  7. I lost the key to the D-lock for my bike once. My old man had to come down to Peterborough Central Library where it was locked up outside and tried to MacGyver it open with his work tools. In the end some passing scally who knew about these things helped us out and got it open.

    • Moral of the story, give a scally a tenner, have your bike lock, car, front door open in seconds.

      • I might have posted this before but my wife was once on an audit in Blackbird Leys in Oxford. One morning the staff on site were in a flap because they couldn’t find the key to the safe. A manager when informed of the problem responded;

        “What are you bothered about? This is Blackbird Leys. Any kid on the street could open the safe for you.”

  8. Losing stuff is frustrating as fuck.
    Keys, van keys, mobile phone, wallet, whatever.

    Just as bad as when someone else moves them from where you put them.
    Then they after messing with your personal stuff forget where they put it.

    We have a poltergeist in our house that does exactly this.

    Not the daughter
    Not missus Miserable
    A poltergeist.

    It needs to keep it’s ectoplasmic fingers to it’s fuckin self.

    • Wotcha, MNC. You alright?

      My other half does this. My car keys/sunglasses/earphones/cigs/lighters go in a small bowl thing on the kitchen table.

      They’re always moved. Then I get an earful for asking “where are my fucking keys/sunglasses/earphones/cigs/lighters”.

      No justice in this world, eh?

  9. Does your mind count as a personal item?

    Because I lose mine on a daily basis, when I read some of the tripe published by newspapers that you’d think would have a higher standard of reporting than others.

  10. The dinghy enrichers are always losing stuff aren’t they?

    Passports, ID cards, wives.

    Never their smart phones though.

    • …and never their fucking sense of entitlement and full details of what they can claim.

  11. I regularly lose my shit, does that count?

    BTW, Biggus, having the bank answer the phone in 3 minutes is not ‘great’ and Lloyd’s are bunch of thieving bastards.

    • Forgot to add, people who say ‘Well, where did you have it last’ need punching in the throat.

    • Fuck me. You felt the need to add ‘are bunch of thieving bastards’ about a bank?

      • Well, yes, get your point, but Lloyd’s are particularly adept at daylight robbery. As I said, bastards.

      • Like the joke says “give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank, give a man a bank and he’ll rob everybody”.

    • If losing my mind counts, so does losing your shit, T.

      It’s a good job the cat and dog can’t speak. The air in here is blue enough, I’d make Bernard Manning blush!

  12. I.just thought it worth mentioning.that I have a absolutely exquisite wallet.

    Carved leather with a Norse dragon.on.it.and bronze fittings.

    Made by a artisanal master in leather carving.

    Just thought it worth mentioning.

      • It cost a absolute fortune Barry.
        Made to my own specifications.

        Nowt in it like.
        I’m skint after buying it.

      • Whilst I liked Samuels character ‘jools’ in Pulp fiction Thomas,
        I think it’s the only time I’ve ever enjoyed.his acting.

        The same for his boyfriend John Travolta.

        Brilliant as Vincent Vega.

        Not convincing as a married heterosexual man.

        Say WHAT again motherfucker!
        I dare you!😂

        https://youtu.be/qo5jnBJvGUs?si=_eOjJ0I12_ikYuBo

      • I bloody love Pulp Fiction, MNC.
        Probably the ‘coolest’ film since “The Maltese Falcon”.
        You have a favourite film?

      • Pulp fiction is a cracker Thomas I agree👍

        Im obviously a big fan of Kes,
        But not sure which is my favourite?

        Probably Dirty Harry?
        But could be

        Withnail &I
        Dead man’s shoes
        The Vikings

        Changes with my mood.

        Ps
        Had a marvellous day today.
        Few small jobs in Manchester and got a Best of Black Sabbath CD on in the van😎

        https://youtu.be/mfTpjrzas5E?si=W-mibFbsaau9eMMU

      • I especially like the director’s cut where Butch escapes from the sex dungeon, grabs the samurai sword from the pawn shop and heads back downstairs to discover Marsellus Wallis really enjoying being bummed by Z and giving the beardy bloke a blowie at the same time.

    • Mis, I’m not saying you are tjght, but are the rumours true the the notes in your wallet issued by Charles the first and Elizabeth the first?

      • I’m generosity personified!!

        Lots of people hang teabags on the washing line and reuse them CuntyMort.😁

  13. The police were not interested? Well fuck my old boots, they are not police now, usually 5 foot tall les looking panic stricken
    Fucking filth first for the chop when their chums the islamists take over.
    Good afternoon, bootiful weather down here.

  14. I lost £60 down the back of a seat in a pub in Belfast in 1979. It still grieves me today to think that it was worth about 150 pints of Guinness at the time. I still wake up having nightmares about Gerry fucking Adams finding it, getting pissed and shouting, “Cheers, ya Brit cunt”.

  15. I thought I lost my wallet earlier, then I realised it was just being a tight cunt.

  16. Can’t recall loosing anything of value, but I’ve returned items to people who also lost their dignity on having them returned. Still waiting to keep the next find.

  17. I cannot tell you how distressed I got, when I lost my Co-op members card.

    Thankfully, I now have a replacement, and my ‘rewards’ totalling £33+ have been transferred to my new card.

    I have to say, that the call centre operative, ” Jack”, could not have been more helpful.

    Sometimes, the planets and stars align.

  18. Speaking of losing things, Man City seemed to have lost Haaland this afternoon. Couldn’t find him anywhere.

    • That’s good news for Norman, they won’t lose Erik ten Hag next season..

      • Norm will have to do a screeching, Starmeresque U-turn and uncunt ten Hag.

        When he sobers up.

      • I still hope Ten Hag fucks off,and Rashford can piss off and all.

        The ‘great’ Haaland did fuck all.

      • Rashford was a cunt after the game. Nowhere near the celebrations. He either doesn’t give a fuck or he’s on his bike.

        For the first time in a good long while, we shat ’em. Couldn’t fault the United players on the day.

        Pep was also a cunt after the final whistle. Not very gracious in defeat.

  19. Evening cunters. 👍
    See what you make of this.
    Once when I was out East
    (I used to travel a lot in my job)
    A kind of stinking tramp,
    Stark bollock naked,
    Asked me for a few bob.
    I didn’t know him.
    He was a complete stranger.
    But I could see immediately he wasn’t a man to trust.
    He had a dog with him.
    They only had about one eye between them.
    Anyway, I threw him some sort of coin.
    He caught this fucking coin,
    Looked at it it with a bit of distaste,
    Then threw it back.
    Well, automatically I went to catch it, I clutched at it,
    But the bloody coin disappeared into thin air!
    It didn’t drop anywhere.
    It just disappeared… into thin air… on its way toward me.
    He then let out a few curses and pissed off with his dog.
    Fuck him.
    Anyway, worry not, for losing personal stuff will soon be a thing of the past.
    Especially once Labour gets in.
    Cos in the future we will own nothing and we will be happy.
    Straight up.
    A swivel-eyed loon on a swivel-chair with a fluffy white cat on his lap said so.
    He runs the world, you know.
    Mark my words.
    I kid you not.
    Fuck off.

    • Your fucked Minge.
      That’d be Ødin the allfather.
      Testing you.

      That curse can never be lifted.
      Not by a priest, or witch, or anyone.

      You need to make amends with the gods.

      Not me pal!

      I’m planning on riding on a longboat crewed by the skeletal crew of my enemies to the gates of Valhalla where I’ll present him with a new eye carved from a ruby .

      You have to be practical.

    • No need to worry, JP, he sounds like he’s having a good time!
      Actually, he sounds like he’s been sampling various compounds from my psychedelic stash…

      • Indeed it does, SV. For example, I’ll be shocked if people vote for an alternative over the two main parties at the election.
        But who to vote for?
        Anyway, they won’t it’ll be Labour, of course.
        More tax, more immos, more pọofery.

      • Quite so.

        In the 2015 general election, UKIP got 4 million votes and were awarded a grand total of ONE seat in the House of Common Cunts.

        Compare and contrast with the LIB-DUMBS who, with only 2.4 million votes, were awarded EIGHT seats…

        Worse still, with a paltry 1.4 million votes, the SCOTCH NAZI PARTY were awarded FIFTY SIX fucking seats!

        Nothing will change until we adopt a fair system of proportional representation.

  21. Liebor want to let 16 years olds vote. We will never get them out of power ever again. Welcome to communist/ WEF Britain. I mean the average teenager is full mong, so letting them have a say in things is a hellish idea. Not only that, I can already see it coming. A vote on rejoining the EU, we know the conclusion of that don’t we!

  22. Imagine the Gen-Z student types,, sponging X-Box bellends and phone loving cunts shitting themselves at the thought of National Service returning….

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