There are many reasons that the big day itself can go tits up for the average family at Christmas. below are just a selection of things that I have personally encountered over the last 60 odd years either as a child or as the head of a family.
Telly what to watch is always a bone of contention for many families at Christmas. Thankfully I don’t watch the cunt anymore.
Kids getting up at 4am to see if that cunt Santa has been yet. Now this is a real cunt if you have been out on the ale xmas eve.
Old auntie miserable guts coming round, moaning about the veg, not enough sherry, asking kids who are scared of her wrinkly old face for a Christmas kiss.
Whose fault it is that the fucking turkey hasn’t defrosted in time. Why have a turkey anyway? most ends up in the bin or the dog. Beef or Pork please.
Chestnuts exploding in the fucking oven. Proper cunts to clean up.
Small children playing inside the cardboard boxes their expensive presents came in and ignoring the fucking presents.
Mid night mass Christmas eve. My wife used to drag me there. A cunt again if you’ve been on the ale and are bursting for a piss every 10 minutes.
I am certain fellow cunters can come up with many more examples.
Luckily Mrs E/cunt and I live at least 70 miles away from any of our 4 grown up kids and their plethora of kids, our grand kids. 8 and counting.
It will hopefully be just like any other Sunday. And no midnight Mass only a church of England house of God in our village of 800 souls.
So enjoy it if you can or enjoy that it only comes but once a year.
Nominated by Everyonesacunt.
(Just a quick note to say we have a bonus nom at 5pm today, and same again for Boxing Day. Thanks – The Admin Team)
I find that festive family arguments are much reduced when, apart from your kids, everyone else is dead!
Anyway, a very merry Christmas, my cunting chums!
Here’s a little ditty I made up:
🎵 On the twelth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
Twelve bummers bumming
Eleven lezzers lezzing
Ten tran§freaks mincing
Nine sootıes mugging
Eight muslıms raping
Seven flids a-flidding
Six whores a-laying
Five fisted rings
Four obese birds
Three squinty chinks
Two communists
And Harvey Price shags his mother’s huge cuuuuunt 🎶
(No idea why, but your comment ended up in the “Bin”. Perhaps you’ve been a naughty boy and Father Xmas is telling you something! Anyway, all sorted now – Day Admin)
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Ho ho, great…thanks Admin! 🎄
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Twelve defeats from City
Eleven turds on teamsheet
Ten Hag’s a cunt
Nine Martial misses
Eighth place this season
Seven moans from Bruno
Six Rashford fuck ups
Five Billion in debt!
Four shit defenders
Three Glazer twats
Two decades wasted
And a shit black cunt in goal.
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Could be worse, ask a Chelsea fan!
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No fucking comment
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Having to listen/watch the Queen’s/King’s Speech at 3pm.
The wife adores both, but to me its a load of old bollocks, more so now with that gutless woke cunt in charge.
Fuck all on the TV as usual, apart from the same rehashed repeats and Xmas specials. Which again the wife loves to watch while I just put on a pair of headphones and watch “Cannibal Holocaust” or “A Serbian Film” on my laptop just to lighten the mood.
Still keep on hoping for a news headline that Lineker has been kidnapped and tortured by Hamas. Although to be honest, I would have more sympathy for Hamas having to put up with that smug cunt for more than 5 minutes!
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The TV today will be the usual revolting festive shite…
The King lecturing us on diversity and enrichment.
Some crappy CGI woke Disney bollocks.
A black celeb cunt reading bits of the Nativity.
NeverEnders. Shouty slappers, gays and dark’uns, ‘jolly’ fat slags after men with mistletoe, Shane cunting Richie, and pissed up fat bald cunt Xmas Special. Lots of shouting and misery.
Doctor Whoke. The Gayblack Musical. Possibly going to be the worst seasonal special of all time.
TOTP Xmas. Loads of autotuned rap/grime/R&B/bur-lack shite. And probably Ed Sheercunt and Little Mix to add to the anguish.
Strictly Cunt Mincing. H-Listers look like knobheads and Winkleman looking as ugly as ever.
Mrs Brown’s Shit. That one trick drag act and his horrendous wife and son. A masterclass in crap comedy and nepotism.
Call the Black Midwife. A ‘Dark Angel’ saves di day again, Buana.
A compilation of That’s Life’s shittest bits (well, it was all shit). A tribute to Savile acolyte, Dame Fester Rancid.
BBC News 24. Gaza, Palestinians, Gaza, and err Palestinians,and umm Gaza…
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How I miss old Xmas TV. Morecambe and Wise, Alf Garnet Xmas Special followed by Xmas with the Black and White Minstrels.
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‘Call the Midwife’ now known as ‘Give me my NHS Abortion’.
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Could they have Blair and his fucking Mrs away as well? Fuck it, it’s Christmas have the whole family of cunts while they are at it.
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There will be arguments in most households this Christmas, and I’m not surprised.
Because, according to almost all TV shows and adverts, all UK households have a sambeau or two around for Christmas dinner. So, it’s bound to happen…
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That’s cos everyone’s in a mixed race relationship nowadays (according to the adverts), innit bruv?
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Especially those mixed race lesbian couples that are everywhere. If it was realistic one would be applying make up to a black eye and cut lip.
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Today will be no different from any other day in the Bottler household.
Apart from me having to rearrange my sock drawer.
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The grandkiddie got a VR headset.
Today is going to be fun. 😁
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Are you going to get some revenge and sprinkle Lego blocks and upturned plugs on the floor?
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No. That would be cruel.
I have already ordered a new coffee table as he is going to fall through the glass one we currently have.
6
Family arguments in my home are usually caused by my wife. And not just at Xmas. Every day of the year. Xmas is just like every other day of the year – just with turkey, leek sauce and indigestion, which, by the end of the day makes me wish I was crossing the event horizon of the super massive black hole in Sagittarius at the heart of our galaxy.
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Sagittarius? is that where it is?
I thought it was Basildon.
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That’s the other end of it.
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Woe betide the mother-in-law (who we’re visiting right now) if she puts Brussels fuckin sprouts on my dinner plate in the next couple of hours!
Sprouts are the Devil’s turds and should only be used as a Weapon of Fart Destruction!
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When I was a PhD candidate I lived for a year outside the University just off Mill Road, Cambridge, with a very working class family. They were lovely but every day my landlady gave me Brussels Turds. She lived on them. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I loathe them. I became severely traumatised as a result and the mere mention of Brussels Sprouts brings me out in a cold sweat.
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Mr Cunt Engine would’ve love that. Not the sprouts themselves as much as the landlady’s farts, which he could sample in the small hours, applying a rubber nose to her balloon knot and hiding round the corner in a dental practice gas mask.
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I love them. Then again I like Mrs Brown’s Boys so I don’t know what that says about me.
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@moggie I also love sprouts and strangely they don’t give me the farts 😁
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I’m very happy that someone nominated this one! No one understands quite why I absolutely, and with all my heart and soul, fucking deplore this time of year. Guaranteed if ever I decide to end it all, it will be Dec 25th. Why do people try to force me to be included in this bullshit?? I do not drink, and I fucking hate kids, so why would I want to sit on some ‘emergency’ chair and wear a fucking paper hat and chat with a bunch of cunts I do not like?? Talking about the bunch of fucking Baboons that make up what’s left of my family, now! Is it too much to ask to be left alone? All I get is ‘oh come on! Enjoy yourself once in a while. There will be people who haven’t seen you in decades, there’. Yeah, for several fucking good reasons. The ones who ruined every fucking Christmas when I was a kid. Cunts!
18
Agreed. Today is the worst day of the lot. There isn’t one thing I like about christmas, including the things we’re ‘supposed’ to eat at this time of year, like mince pies, stuffing and apple sauce. I don’t like carols or hymns, I don’t like the tv schedules being full of children and family programmes, I don’t like the shops being closed.
And it’s all based on a stupid fairy tale that hardly anyone really believes in. Every year we’re forced to endure this crap and try to negotiate our way around it. It’s pointless and depressing.
13
Exactly! This is why I moved to Asia, but even here the fucking expats try to recreate those good old English Christmas. ‘Oh, you must come over and have a Christmas drink’. Me “thanks, but I don’t drink, and I don’t celebrate Christmas “. Them “oh go on! One wont hurt you” Me “what? drink? Or did you mean Christmas?” Cunts!
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Praise the Lord I’m not alone, put on a Christmas jumper they say to me, fuck off I say to them I’m not a fucking twelve year old girl, I dont need to follow the rest of the pussy whipped simpletons I’ve seen walking down the road today who look like a cluster of halfwits on a ramble from the local div house.
12
The selfie stick came out this year during lunch, courtesy of the sister-in- law.
My heart sank even further.
Asia sounds about right. Perhaps Japan. They celebrate it with KFC. ‘Yeuck!’, you might say, but they’re on to something; It’s all this time of year deserves.
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Just Mrs Cunty Mort and I this year. Daughters got Covid, silly cow. At a red cross do ffs. How ironic. I have had to turn Boom radio off Julian Clary waxing lyrical about Paul O Grady FFS, He snuffed it, get the fuck over it. Wines chilling in the fridge but the sun isn’t over the yardarm for us both yet.
I love a quiet Christmas me. Wifey gently snoring as I type.
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awww poor Julian. he and Paul were best friends as well as neighbours. he’s probably missing him (not in the bumming way)
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Christmas Eve is the worst time where I live.
The day starts out like any other day, but come 4pm almost everywhere shuts.
For the Spanish, Christmas Eve is a time to be with the family, and that forces everyone else to do the same.
I am presently taking a short break in Sevilla.
Over a month ago Mrs Cunter spent an entire day phoning dozens of restaurants trying to find one open on Christmas Eve night.
She found one.
Everywhere else was shut.
We walked there last night.
On the way there was a bar open.
One bar out of hundreds and it was packed both outside and in.
So busy that there was even a local television crew filming.
The restaurant had a guy outside whose sole purpose was to tell the dozens of people that tried to get in, that without a booking, they can’t.
Walking back to our hotel at around 11pm last night it was like the capital city of Andalucía was a ghost town.
Everywhere shut and nobody on the streets.
A peaceful Christmas….. But predictably strange.
6
I love Christmas, on the whole, but I also totally understand those that either can’t or don’t want to. It’s what choice is all about. Happy Christmas to those that enjoy it and a Happy Fuck Christmas to those that don’t. Either way, gin is great.
4
Just finished watching Derry girls on net flix. No arguing at all Mrs E/Cunt cooking dinner in kitchen and dog salivating watching her. Oh joy without extended family.
Ps that Michelle sort is well fit.
2
I finished watching Derry Girls halfway into the first episode.
3
Christmas, full of traditions, expectations and disappointments.
I if you’re a Christian then you should spend the day contemplating the sacrifice of the lord. But you’re likely judging everyone around you and thinking they are all going to hell, not you of course.
If you’re a pagan you should spend the festival eating, drinking and if you have the option fucking (this bit isn’t great if you’ve just entered prison for first time!)
If you’re a Muslim you are probably not celebrating but do have the strange desire to explode in a public place and boy does that ham look good. Anyway the shop still needs opening because the infidels need alcohol and porn to celebrate the season.
If you’re a Jew you’re keeping your head down unless you’re in the IDF in which case you’re doing your best to shoot anything that’s silly enough to move.
If you’re a Ukrainian you’re wondering why the fuck you’re celebrating Christmas a fortnight early and how you ended up with the threat of EU membership hanging over your head if you win the war!
If you’re black then you’re just as oppressed as every other day, innit. Just carry on rapping and stabbing someone who looks just like you.
Never mind, it will soon be over, Christmas that is, not the insanity of humanity.
I’m waiting with a sense of dread to read a nom about some pervert fucking a reindeer.
Ho ho hi
Merry Christmas!
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One way to avoid Xmas family arguments is to head on down to the Steaming Pussycat Strip Club in Soho, to see what lovely Lisa has to offer us:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlTNCAmdpw8
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I’m going to put For Your Eyes Only on and get on the wine.
Shortly thereafter I expect Mrs Terry to beat me to death with a frozen turkey.
Good Health!
7
Avoid family stress by avoiding the family.
I don’t have to buy and cook some very expensive beef, gammon and pork joints, full breakfasts and desserts, let the lazy entitled fuckers sort it out themselves, hello cottage pie then, you cunts.
I dined in splendid isolation on the finest local beef with whisky and cognac desserts, the rest of the world can go fuck themselves and if I get properly inebriated and agitated I’m off outside to the lane and batter the next gormless twats shuffling along, breathing through their mouths as they “go for a nice walk”.
See how you like a horrid one instead.
Ho ho ho that, motherfuckers.
6
I don’t celebrate Christmas, so have happily spent the day on my own, doing what I want, when I want.
Nice long walk this morning, fish and chips for lunch, read my book, dozed off, now on ISAC listening to 70s music in the background.
Might visit Mrs. Palm and her five daughters later with thoughts of some of the lovely GB News lasses:
Emily Carver
Belinda De Lucy
Esther McVey, nice bit of mature skirt
Sophia Wenzler
3
Where did you fire it alI, in an old sock ?
0
Arguments have mercifully been pretty absent but ungratefulness snd general overbearing behaviour of the sister-in-law last year upset my mum, and this year has been pretty bad for illnesses and health.
Both nans are going downhill and the brother in law is having chemo.
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Thank fuck I now live alone after only mildly having disturbances of this nature. Now for certain they are at an end. Had a lovely day instead with a lady friend.
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