(“Rah, rah, rah! We’re going to smash the oiks!” – Day Admin)

A CHRISTMAS APPEAL ON BEHALF OF
THE DUKE OF NORTHUMBERLAND

Dear cunters,

I realise that during these straightened times it is sometimes difficult to consider the plight of those less fortunate than ourselves. However I would ask you to spare a thought for Ralph, who has fallen on hard times.

Ralph has been forced to struggle by with just Alnwick, Prudhoe and Warkworth Castles, Hulne Park, Albury Park, 100,000 acres of prime Northumbrian farmland, 4,000 acres of forestry and numerous other properties.

What has put him on the breadline, however, is his modest little London pied-a-terre, Syon House and 200 acre Syon Park.

Overlooking the Thames and Kew Gardens, the Adam interior State Rooms are in need of a bit of restoration. So to raise the necessary moolah, Ralph decided boot a few commoners off allotments owned by himself to build 80 flats. Should be good for at least 100 mill he thought, and the allotment holders could always pop off down to Fortnums for their organic endive, broccolini and truffles like all the other little people.

Expecting the local council to tug their forelocks and approve the planning application, sadly Ralph’s plans have been thwarted twice, and he’s facing the indignity of having to sell a Canaletto or two to raise the spondoolies.

Ralph is in desperate need and facing a cost of living crisis. Please give whatever you can afford, either via the BBC’s forthcoming celebrity telethon ‘Aristos In Need’, on Ralph’s GoFundMe page, or by visiting Syon House, where for the £14 entrance fee you can marvel at some of the gear Ralph’s ancestors bought with the money they stole from my ancestors.

For those unable to donate, Ralph has kindly set up a GoFuckYou page.

Thank you for your generosity. God bless you all, and Merry Christmas.

Hexham News

Syon Park

Nominated by: Geordie Twatt

(Perhaps he should invite 500 impoverished boat riders to his humble abodes, All paid for by the Taxpayer! – Day Admin)