The Mathew Perry Goatfuck

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(Fuck to using a Mathew Perry pic our Jennifer is far more appealing. C.A.)

(Goatfuck – originally a WWII US military term for operational chaos later morphed into a shorthand for journalists and photographers climbing over each other with ladders to get a story. We make no allegations of a porn type nature. The term references goats climbing over each other in sexual frenzy)

Started over the weekend, newsflashes with dramatic music showing helicopters revolving over a house being besieged by police patrol cars and over excited reporters.

Then the usual quotes, “Tributes pouring in”, “World’s Greatest Comic”, “Comedic star of Friends, tragic loss”, “Death in pool”, “Death in hot tub”, “Tsunami of Grief” then name attached “Matthew Perry dead at 54, Jennifer Aniston inconsolable”.

Sense of relief to get the name but also deeply puzzled. To me helicopters whirling over house = Cliff Richard, death in pool = Michael Barrymore, “Worlds Greatest Comic” = Bob Hope/Max Wall/Your Choice but definitely not Perry.

But Matthew Perry?? Who the F?, What the F? And so it continues, leading on Early Morning News soft shit shows “Tragic Soul”, “Battle with Drugs”, “Just out of Rehab”, “Police confirm death by drowning”.

So there you have it, another druggy minor showbiz cunt who can’t hack it. Why has that common event knocked all other news off the telly? Is it summertime silly season when there is not much news about and the media insert lots of trivia?

Forgive me but this is October so what about ethnic cleansing in Ukraine and other Rooskie shite, a certain kerfuffle in Israel, ongoing climate disasters in Argentina, India and a little local flooding and storms devastating Blighty? Storm Ciaran ba ba boom.

Perhaps I am missing something. I often do. Is Matthew Perry the Messiah in mufti , Is Jennifer Aniston actually pregnant, or is it a Virgin Birth and they are just Friends?. Boom boom.

Call me a cynical old cunt but I do have a little experience in such matters. American comedy shows are legendarily written by a team of gag writers. They put the funny lines in the mouths of the actors and the directors rehearse them for camera and position them and give then the all important timing without which nothing is funny (in a good way).

Bob Hope is a good example, humourless in life he was totally reliant on his teams of gag writers and cue cards who travelled with him around the world.

There was that wonderful moment (available on YouTube) when he was hosting a Miss World Contest live on TV and the fems invaded and stole his cue cards. Old Bawb was reduced to a shambling shell unable to think of anything to fill in.

Director had to pull the plugs until Bawb is rehearsed into a new script. The only thing that makes Bawb stand out against other comics is that he did not top himself and lived to 100.

I know. I had the cunt in the pool.

Bbc news

Nominated by Sir Limply Stoke.

93 thoughts on “The Mathew Perry Goatfuck”

  1. Perry had ‘great comic timing’, did he?

    My arse. Morecame and Wise, Steptoe and Son, Ronnie Barker in Porridge, Fawlty Towers all had great comic timing.

    The cast of On The Buses was funnier than Perry.

  2. I knew people who were fucking obsessed with “Friends”

    I fucking hated it. I’ve seen Holocaust documentaries that were funnier.

    • Did they want to be friends with the characters?

      I remember at the height of its popularity one of my teachers overhearing a few girls discussing it as he entered the class and very dryly commenting ‘I wish I was cool enough to watch Friends’.

      • I once watched an episode of ‘Friends’ with my daughter and almost broke into a smile at one point, it was that funny.

  3. And the blonde one from Friends had an irritating habit of saying ‘Yah Yah Yah Yah’ in every episode. It sounded like that noise from Laurie Anderson’s ‘O Superman’.

  4. Probably a nice enough chap, never heard of him though or the show he was in. I am old , according to my offspring. To which I say “thank fuck for that” given what’s in the post for this generation the way the country is being run..!

  5. I enjoyed him in The Whole Nine Yards. He was enjoyable to watch but his personal life was always in shambles. He was already on borrowed time and the check finally came due. Sad loser.

  6. If Jennifer needs cheering up, I will take one for the team and give her one or two. I will tup her for England or my balls go flat. Whichever comes first.

  8. They should do a remake called “Cunts” starring other smug arseholes such as:-

    Idris Elba as Tosser
    Owen Jones as Transwoman Rachel
    Taylor Swift as Feeble
    Katie Price as Myknockers
    Stormzy as Chandler Dong
    Ed Shithead as Dopey

  9. My Mum has been obsessed with that TV show since the mid 90’s, so I’ve had to spend the last few weekends listening to my Mum whining about it.

    I’ve also had to listen to her regaling me with tales of Matthew Perry having a crush on Jennifer Aniston…. or Courtney Cox…. or both….. I don’t care and I never cared.

  10. I’m a Thick Yank and I have never watched an episode of Fwenz. Never will. I’d rather drink ink.

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