The dumbing down of the Guniess book of records

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Back when I was young, a traditional christmas present from my parents was the Guinness book of records…….Blue Peter no doubt had a hand in all those extra christmas sales as normally running up to christmas they always ‘subliminally’ promoted the fact the new book had just been released (remember that?)

It was fun looking up which was the fastest car, or the tallest building or heaviest person etc etc.

However, those lines of ‘records’ seemed to be blurred somewhat. We now have a book with so may sub categories to cover all eventualities…..so instead of fastest 100m sprint, we have fasted 100m sprint with a false leg, or blind, of whilst hopping, or ties with your left arm behind your back..and then another entry for your right arm, or whilst easting an ice cream. So many skewed permutations it becomes meaningless. The reason I mention this, is because I cam across this story about Harvey Price and his bucket crotch mum Jordan.

Bbc news

I mean, let’s start with the photo…….his skint and destitute mum has quite obviously had yet another round of cosmetic surgery. Either that, or Harvey has given her a well deserved back hander.

But…it’s this record I take issue with. They are making this shit up as they are going along now. Apparently to break this record the drawing had to be over 20m and of a train. So are there different record holders for drawings of trains over 30m 40m 50m? And would be a different record if it were a steam train and not a diesel electric….is that a seperate category. Or is this a niche category just for people called Harvey who can draw a train. The whole records business is now bollocks.

Next, there will be another category for the longest train drawing whilst using a pencil shoved up ones arse standing on one leg, gay under 30’s.

Records are so extrapolated everyone can have one.

Nominated by Chuff Chugger.

106 thoughts on “The dumbing down of the Guniess book of records”

  1. I’d be interested to know which of the banks holds the record for the number of customers it’s debanked.

    • Or the Norris Mcsquirter record for deaths globally after a safe and effective non libelous untested experimental genocide medication.

  2. Luckily the train was drawn on rice paper so Harvey could eat it.
    After Norris McWhirter and Roy Castle had come back from the grave and ectoshagged his mum.

    • Thomas@

      Roy castle seemed a nice bloke, but he used to annoy the fuck out of me with his habit of at any opportunity breaking out his trumpet OR tapdancing.

      Think he had the world record for pointlessly tapdancing?

      Bet he was still at it in the chapel of rest?

      • I saw Roy Castle in cabaret in 1980 at a week-long business conference. At one point he asked the audience to suggest a tune for him to play on the trumpet, so someone shouted out ‘The Flight of the Bumblebee’. Fuck me, he did it as well!
        He also played numerous other instruments and his jokes were very good and clean too.
        Incidentally at the same conference the guest speaker at the closing dinner was Frank Bough, and his jokes were fucking filthy.

      • There was a episode of Alf Garnett on the other week,
        One where Alf and his mate go to play golf at the golf club.

        There was a cameo in it from Roy castle and George Best.

        Alf ” it’s you innit? Eh?
        Yeah it’s you!
        Georgie Best!
        Remember me?
        From West Ham?
        I used to shout to you from the stand”

        George ‘ err, no don’t remember you sorry ‘

        Alf ” course you do!
        I used to shout go back to Belfast you bloody Mick!”

      • JP – who got the most laughs between Roy Castle and Frank Bough? They went down equally well as I recall.

      • Wasn’t Frank Bough into wearing a romper suit and having brasses dressed as Nazis piss on him, while he rolled about in his deliberately soiled romper suit or summat?

        Not on Nationwide like.

      • Roy Castle had an unfortunate death. Lung cancer from second -hand smoke.

        I imagine that must be annoying.

      • You were lucky Geordie.

        At a black tie do in 2003 we were treated to Roger De Courtesy and Nookie bear.

        The poor cunt good boo’d off stage by a bunch of pissed up hairy arse builders.

        I actually felt sorry for him.

      • Off topic but I remember Frank Bough, used to watch Nationwide as a child. Wrote in with a letter and a drawing aged 7 or so rambling about the Tax Man of all things. I drew a baldy man behind a desk and wrote some kind of caption of complaint. Probably aping my parents views. Nationwide sent me a nice letter back of acknowledgement, now long lost. I think I might even have put Dear Frank on it.

      • The unlucky cunt caught cancer from passive smoking. He was also unlucky when the Arse signed him on due to the mistake of the dyslexic coach at the time, who thought he’d got the signature of Rocastle, who also must’ve been colour blind as well.

  3. Probably 40+ years since I looked at a Guinness book of records!

    I always liked those fattest twins (yanks) on monkey bikes.

    And world’s tallest Man Robert wadlow.
    He looked like a pituitary gland Jacob Rees mogg.

    Bet it’s shite now?

    Wokest person (non gender) – sage Anderson,
    San Francisco.
    Refused to appear because the Guinness title might offend Muslims.

    • Heaviest goalkeeper – wasn’t he Scottish and 36 stones or something? That would be pretty slim in some parts of Scotland nowadays.

      • Not wanting to sound mean spirited but was Harvey doing this drawing in front of independent witnesses and someone from Guinness?

        It’s not unknown for mitmots to cheat.

        And why’s he pictured with Adam Ant?

      • Remember Adam Ant going mental and getting angry in a pub? Went home to get a gun and got nicked then sent to the loony bin for a bit.

        I heard he was having a row with some locals and they were taking the piss out of his clothes (dressed like a fucking pirate or summat). One smart arse cunt allegedly shouted, “Oh come on Adam, we’re just taking the piss, don’t take it too personally. Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.”

        Everyone in the pub fell about laughing and he lost it.

        Allegedly.

      • Have you looked at Harveys drawing of a Metrolink train?
        It’s about 4 foot long, with about 60 foot of gray scribble, no doubt representing the pollution created by the train.

        At least he coloured inside the lines, mostly. Bless!
        I bet that Katie put him up to it, ‘er, Harv, colour this, no don’t eat the crayons’

        Can’t have written a new book recently, must get into the news somehow, contemptible person.

    • The McGuire Twins?

      I can imagine them trying to tag team against Harvey, before Harvey suggesting they eat the punters instead.

  4. A mate of mine at school reckoned he held the world record fro the number of bogies kept in a Cafe Creme tin. Until his dad fancied a cigarillo that is. Then he had the world record for the reddest ear.

    The Guiness Book of Records used to be great. Every innocent entertainment for kids has been systematically ruined by invertebrate nanny state cunts intent on ‘keeping everyone safe.’ Good luck with that you public health wankers.

    • Don’t tell me CM, you started wanking over Diane Abbott in 1995 and you’re still awaiting climax.

      • Damn, how did you know!

        Even gallons of olive oil haven’t helped.

        When I see our curtains flapping in the wind all I think of is lovely Diane.

      • I think at 14 I had the record for most wanks in a 12 hour period. Found some hedge porn and I think just air was coming out by the end of my 50th wank. My arm was dead all the next day and my knackers were sore as fuck.

      • The most ferocious wanks ive had were probably all over teachers and girls when i was in my early teens, usually a tit or pair of them being revealed through gaps between buttons or a lot of cleavage, tight blouse etc..

        I was a randy little shit.

    • Without sounding pedantic, is that the time it took, or the farthest your hand had traveled. Presumably you also must’ve changed hands during. Does that count ?

  6. Harvey also hold the Guinness World Record for the long dry hump of a postman after he ignored the ‘Beware of Harvey’ sign.

    • He does indeed, SOI, and the Guinness team where there to witness it!

      Several are still receiving counselling and treatment for PTSD, allegedly.

      • An ex-IsACer also holds the record for most bobble hats shot at while intoxicated.

  8. I remember seeing some Indian who had grown his fingernails, I don’t think it was a UK foreign aid programme though but they looked like a bunch of mutant pork scratchings.

    • MNC does indeed hold that record.

      It was on a railway embankment in NW England. 💪💋

      A sunny day with larks coughing in the smoke laden atmosphere.

      Happy days ,😁

  10. Surely Harvey holds the record for the longest continuous impression of King Kong? I swear I saw him on top of the Shard the other day swatting at planes bringing in yet more immos.
    Good effort Harvey, at least you’re trying. I’d put him down on the Kent coast so he could welcome our new friends with his catchphrase………
    “Hello cunt……”

  11. Records are made to be broken, rendering the concept of the Guinness Book of Records a trivial emphemeral nonsense. It’s always been a bit shite.

    For me the whole enterprise became trivial and irrelevant when I was a kid and stupid ‘light entertainment’ programmes would have awkward cunts attempting setting records involving tiddlywinks, jelly babies, cheese rolling, playing the spoons or sitting in baked beans.

    Then you had shite like You Bet, where some eerie little kid tried identifying fifty or so flags, dinosaurs, outlines of countries or transformers in a certain time. Was it a record? Nobody ever said.

    As the black community might say, that’s some freaky Rain Man shit.

    The worst of this work for idle mongs is the potentially fatal marshmallows-in-mouth challenge.

    Some cunt died trying it and Guinness may have pulled it, same with other gluttony based records like hotdog swallowing and buffalo wing gobbling.

    I think Harvey’s mum should try setting a record for Saveloys inserted into orifices.

    Would the official Guiness adjudicator/ombudsman be required to witness it, and if so, would he ever recover?

  12. The whole point of it was to see genuine athletic records and to laugh at the freaks.

    I’d go straight for the fattest bastard and then the shortest cunt standing next to the tallest cunt. Biggest conk, most fingers (East Anglia seemed to clean up here) all that shite.

    Now, it’s ‘hate’ to laugh at the freaks.

    What is this fucking county coming to when we can’t laugh at the freaks?

    It was the only reason any cunt read it. Now, some mong draws a fucking train and that’s in. I can think of better ways for Harvey to get in.

    Most destroyed fanny (after he’s done with his mum).
    Most buildings flattened in two minutes (just tell him he’s going on a salad and water diet.)

    Get to fuck.

  13. Most dinghies sunk in a day. Fuck me, I’d buy it every year just to turn to that page.

  14. Huw for biggest collection of dick pics whilst in a mental home?

    How many records did fucking Jimmy Saville in the GBoR?

    Is it edited by Jeffrey Epstein?

    • Philip Schofield is going for the how many teenage work experience boys can you fit in a broom cupboard.

  15. Harveys mum holds the record for the most Turkish cock up her flange and arse.

    Apparently, if the aforementioned cocks were laid end to end, they would reach the ionosphere.

    Get To Fuck.

  16. David Beckham also attempted the train drawing record but only managed a 15.3 metre effort.

    • A little too thick to think of filling 20 metres in with grey scribble.

      Harvey 1 – Beckham 0

  17. Most Downs Syndrome people encountered at once.
    50-60

    2002, Chichester College refectory.

    It was like the end of Close Encounters.

    • 🎵 There’s a world outside your window
      And it’s a world of dread and fear

      Where the only water flowing
      Is the bitter sting of tears 🎵

      Yeah, fuck off Geldof you scruffy, multi millionaire fucking bastard!

  19. I never got the Guinness book of records for Christmas ☹️

    Cruelly treated and poor.

    Then I saw it in the library and got it out.

    Fat cunts, lanky cunts, midgets,cunts with claws,
    I liked all the freaky bits but as for the rest,
    What a bunch of fuckin showoffs.

    Same on record breakers.
    Look at me!.
    Look at me!

    I could easily be in it.
    But I’m very modest.
    Shun the limelight .

    And ‘ how many digestive biscuits can you fit in your mouth ‘ isn’t a proper achievement.
    Its the reason your wife left you.

    • Medical abnormalities are always a winner.

      No one cares if someone has unicycled from Lands End to John o’ Groats.

      • Exactly.

        Used to be this factory on Reddish vale did paper stuff,
        Think it was disposal,
        Maybe paper recycling, dunno?

        Us kids would raid the bins for posters of punk bands.

        Cockney Rejects, the poster for the great rock n Roll swindle etc

        Couldn’t afford the posters in Athena,
        So we’d get em free by climbing over the wall.

        Once we found these files with photos in,
        They were of people with some sort of deformity,
        Massive foreheads
        Bulging eyes
        Dunno what was wrong with them but it was serious.

        My mate put em on his bedroom wall!!

      • The IsAC Guinness, Port and Pickled Egg In A Pint Glass Book of Fucked-Up Records would be full of medical, culinary and criminal abominations.

        Editor: Thomas the Cunt Engine

      • They were those pug-people I wrote about in the cunting for EastEnders. Toby Jones as the evolved ‘Willy’.

        ‘Tremble humans, as I tear your wretched abodes asunder!’

    • The very idea makes me want to bowk.

      How the fuck is that an achievement worthy of being noted anywhere?

      Some strange folk out there.

      • That was a biscuits in gob reply.

        However, no one has commented on my remarkable record for keeping a polecat in my undercrackers!

      • Blimey, Mis, if it had been a hernia it would have been in the Guinness Book of Records, as the only squealing, writhing hernia that had to have dog food rubbed on it, to calm it down, & the odd shot of ketamine.

    • Can’t be a Labour conference.

      Too much common sense being spoken 😄

      And they’re better looking 😂

      Evening MNC 👍

  20. I feel this is just indicative of a general dumbing down of the population. stupid people do what they are told, stupid people believe what they are told. I feel that is the general plan.

    • All joking aside, I absolutely agree with you.

      For years, there’s been a general dumbing down. Serious subjects like microbiology at Universities, good luck finding one that offers a course.
      It’s all media studies and the use of lace in Fragonards paintings.

      You used to have to have, at a minimum, an ‘O’ level in Maths and English to get a job in Maccies, now you just need to be not white.

      I could go on, but I’d probably end up slitting my wrists, I truly despair.

      • How about applying to the Guinness Book of Records, for the longest period of depression prior to slitting one’s wrists.
        I was going for the longest time for being a cynical cunt, but most of you fellow cunters beat me to it.

    • My Momma always used to say stupid is as stupid does.

      She also used to say life is like a box of chocolates. Mine must be like quality street then and I get left with all the shit ones like toffee pennies.

      Not really but I’m trying put some clean humour into proceedings.

  21. The duchess of deceipt shopuld have her own chapter in the Guiness book as the biggest cunt on earth

  23. I think most of you will agree, to break a world record for endurance at anything, there can’t be any resting in between. But it’s allowed. What’s the point ? Doesn’t make sense to me. Disqualified if drugs are taken, but true dedication and stamina, will win through.

    One record I’d love to break out of pure dedication and love of it, is cunnilingus. I’ve fallen asleep on many occasions around the hour mark, but hope to go longer. The climaxes of the gushing ladies help to keep me awake.

    • I tried for it Sammy.
      With Di Abbott.

      She got moody when I said

      “Do I have to eat all of it or can I just eat the crust?”

      • Weren’t you ever in fear of suffocation, Mis ? I take my hat off to you for gallantry.

  24. Poor old Roy Castle. Deliberately murdered by vicious smokers who insisted on lighting up in the clubs he was getting paid a load of dosh to appear in. The original, “shift the blame” whining fucking wokie.

  25. I was thinking along the lines of a record breaking drawing of a ski lift from base to summit, what do you reckon? I can only use crayons cos the doctor was adamant that I not be allowed anything pointy like pencils or pens. I will get that certificate on the wall and an entry in the book. The way things are going, in a few years time you’ll need a forklift to move the book.

  26. My next door neighbour Steve is/was actually in the GBoR under “Longest tongue in the World”. I think he’s been recently disposessed of the title though, showed me a bunch of pics of some P.R. days in London stood next to some Russian bird with legs up to her arse and next to her the world’s smallest man, a stumpy little baldy asian bloke.
    He does actually speak similarly to Jamie Oliver which is understandable.

  27. If I complete a drawing of a train and it is 21.4 metres long, I would be the new record holder then.

    Katie price won “Mum of the year” once. Surely if ever there was proof that we, as a country are circling the toilet bowl, that would be it.

  28. There has been a consistent dumbing down of The Guinness Book of Records since Norris McWhirleywheel and Roy Castle. Norris McWhirter came across as a complete cunt. I think his brother Ross was an even bigger cunt in that the IRA assassinated him.

    When Cheryl Baker and Kriss Akabusi presented it (1993-1997) my gran pointed out that the audience and entire front row consisted of ‘black folk’.

    The BBC then tried to rebrand it as ‘Officially Amazing’ in the 2010s.

    The less said about ‘Sizzling Steve’ the better:
    https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/16421202/ex-cbbc-presenter-stephen-kish-extreme-animal-porn/

  29. That’s only because your modern day, limp wristed, winning, man bun, hipster fags who have evolved into the pathetic fuckers we see every day are in with a chance.
    Record for longest time playing Candy crush saga, of roads crossed without looking and no hospital.
    Record for use of discount codes….. You get the drift

    • Record of times ‘like’ was used in one minute.

      167
      Tarquin Farquhar-Twunt, 2019, Glastonbury Festival

  30. The Guinness Book of Bollocks lost credibility years ago when it started including trivial, inconsequential crap no-one was interested in, reflected by slumping sales.
    The final nail in its long overdue coffin will be cock-in-frock “Trans” freaks listed as Women’s records, and not a fucking moment too soon.
    Should be renamed the (alcohol free) Guinness Book of Cunts.

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