I’ve had just about all I can take from these cunts. Whale watching in New Zealand, safari in Kenya, trekking to Everest base camp, oh do fuck off. This year when Mrs Twatt and I return from our week in Scarborough I’ll be ready with my own bullshit:
Oh we’re just back from Ecuador dahlings. Our lovely daughters Esme and Phoebe couldn’t join us this time because they were taking part in a Just Stop Oil protest, so Bunty and I drawped them orf in London in the Range Rover on our way to Heathrow.
Anyway, Ecuador dahlings, oh it’s wonderful, you really must go. Of course we always eat where the locals do, avoiding the tourists. We found this delightful little taverna in downtown Quito where the traditional Ecuadorian pizza was melt in the mouth. Then Bunty sponsored a young orphaned llama at a llama rescue centre. She named it ‘Julian’ after Mr Assange, who’s Ecuadorian himself don’t you know?
The highlight was a 2 week trip to the Galapagos Islands. The ship followed the very same route taken by Charles Dickens on ‘The Bounty’ when he invented evolution in 1386. We saw all the different finches and a hammerhead penguin. Look, here’s a photo of Bunty with some of the unique wildlife. Yes, I know it looks like the sign behind her says ‘Whipsnade’, but actually it’s ‘Whipnáde’, which is Portuguese for ‘Galapagos’.
Anyway, for our next travel experience we’ll be exploring the native tribes of Papua New Guinea. We can’t wait!
Nominated by Geordie Twatt.
I once saw some of these bullshitters on a Ryanair flight to France..carrying on like they’d just dropped in from Monte Carlo.
The microwaved lasagne soon brought them down to earth..
The Cunts.
The cunts
16
Good grief..an echo haha
9
The horror.
The horror.
7
😂hammerhead penguin😂
9
That made me laugh too. Great post and very funny, well done GT
8
Great story.
The best part was how you omitted picking up Esme and Phoebe after returning. I don’t know if they were arrested and jailed or if you were so consumed by your experience that you just forgot them. Either way I bet they see more natives in Londonistan than you’ll see on your next trip to New Guinea.
Otherwise a solid and well deserved cunting for the travelistsas.
12
Sorry General, I forgot to mention Esme and Phoebe. Actually they had a lovely time too. They glued their derrieres to the North Circular and the Police were very good about it, looking after them and bringing them tea and cakes. One of the Policewomen even brought along some of her home made scones for them to try.
One ghastly woman got out of her car and was screaming ‘My dad’s gone into cardiac arrest, I must get him to A&E’. So the girls explained that because of her selfishness the polar bears were all drowning. Honestly, some people.
Anyway, we gave them a lift home in the Range Rover, and happily they’ll be joining us in Papua New Guinea before their next JSO protest. Bunty and I are so proud of them.
18
Ex and I had a British Giant rabbit, named Bunty, from the local RSPCA warden. Fuckin stupid name for a Wabbit (par for the course as mother to Oliver and Hormonie. The rabbit took no notice, until the vet pointed out that we needed to change its name to something more masculine.
Erik was then very friendly and well-behaved.
2
…as you should be.
I’m glad you all lived…or rather are living…happily ever after.
3
I always catch the wildlife at Bigg Market.
6
I hope the PNG natives are still head hunters. I bet Bunty would look good as as a village ornament.
11
I’m no Alan Whicker.
I don’t like foreigners
Foreign muck food
I’m intolerant of other cultures
So it’ll be a day trip to Towyn , maybe Llandudno this year.
Travel bragging doesn’t have it’s desired effect on me,
I see it as a punishment
13
Same here Mis.
6
When I was a kid it was always a week in Skeggy. One year, for some unfathomable reason, my father fancied a change and plumped for Llandudno. With the emphasis on dud.
We lasted 2 days, then fucked off to Skeggy. The ‘highlight’ of the trip was a tour of the Ffestiniog slate mine. WTF?
And the Ryll Sun Centre??? Get to fuck, it was a fcking monsoon, 24/7.
There’s lovely for you, isn’t it?
10
When it comes to travel, i am a complete novice. I can’t be arsed to go to the airport to fly anywhere nowadays. I can’t relate to the most cliched tourist or the travel snob. Steak sanga on the Qantas menu?
I’m waiting for the BK flamer to be put back on the Burger King menu. There’s also the issue of medicines ive got to take with me.
My brother has done the travelling. He told me the sane as my grandad after National service.
Most of the rest of the world is a dump full of thieves, mentals and dodgy food..
As for Ecuador, it’s full beans and pan pipes and guinea pigs on skewers and von Daniken types muttering about Star Children and looking for a crystal skull that is ‘too perfect’ to be made by machine or hand.
Fuck Ecuador.
14
“Most of the rest of the world is a dump full of thieves, mentals and dodgy food..” Ah, but look how quickly those delights are being introduced to this country.
19
Why travel the world to experience exotic and interesting foreign cultures when the fucking world is coming to us?
A couple of days in Londonstabistan will cost you a few bob but it’s a lot cheaper than jumping on a plane.
And you get virtue signalling points for not killing any cunting Polar bears.
18
‘Doin’ the old Lambeth wollk!’
Ten minutes later you’re staggering onto the Elephant and Castle roundabaaahht, covered in claret, after being hacked at by a schizophrenic Mtembe with a machete.
‘Guys ‘ospital, and look lively!
14
You might want to stick to a Chablis then.
2
Or staggering around Nottingham after being stabbed by a savage with a history of violence.
His likely punishment, one week’s community service and leave to remain indefinitely.
5
it’s the mental elf excuse.
very popular within ‘our communities’.
3
Poncey cunt that I am, I’m off to Colorado in a couple of months. Always fancied seeing the Rocky mountains, seeing the spellbinding beauty of the cosmos without any light pollution whatsoever then topping it off by getting an unenthusiastic blow job off a crack-addled hooker in a truck stop restroom.
17
Sounds like the perfect holiday, apart from the traveling around the Rockies bit.
10
Plus it involves going to America.
1
Ah yes, cunts that travel on a plane for 10 hours to sit on a fucking beach and sunbathe. Save your money and go to Benidorm, at least you’ll get a decent brekky and some fish and chips.
13
I’d just order half a dozen large bags of sand from Wickes and dump them in the garden, next to a paddling pool, instant beach. And no Spanish, bonus.
13
Save money
Swan about the living room in your undies with sandpaper sellotaped to your feet and stick another bar on the fire.
Thousands of pounds better off.
Why it’s just like Bondi beach in here!
9
Pọncey cunt that I am, I’m off to Colorado in a couple of months. Always fancied seeing the Rocky mountains, seeing the spellbinding beauty of the cosmos without any light pollution whatsoever then topping it off by getting an unenthusiastic blow job off a crack-addled hooker in a truck stop restroom.
2
Pọncęy cunt that I am, I’m off to Colorado in a couple of months. Always fancied seeing the Rocky mountains, seeing the spellbinding beauty of the cosmos without any light pollution whatsoever then topping it off by getting an unenthusiastic blow job off a crāck-addled hoọker in a dirty truck stop restroom.
9
Is Alzheimer’s catching on ISAC??
5
and the legal weed.
2
I must be a travel snob.
I’ve circulated the globe 🌎 and not by air. Sorry mis I love other cultures, just so long as they don’t try and make it my culture here in Britain 🇬🇧.
And as for north wales 🏴 wife is Welsh and hates the cunts in the north.
9
Yes I recognise that EaC. I’ve met people from North West Wales who regard the folks in South Wales as a lower life form and not proper Welsh. I remember some years ago a local authority up there was actually prosecuted for turning down an applicant for a vacancy they had for which he was well qualified on the grounds that he was English.
8
English, Welsh and Jamaican babies born the same morning and the midwife mixes up the name tags so has to explain the dilemma to the 3 fathers in the waiting room.
Welsh fella runs in and picks up the darker baby shouting This one’s mine, only for the midwife to shout say Watcha doing, that can’t be yours!
I know says Taff but one the other little fuckers is English.
11
My 100% Welsh friend, Cardiff born and bred, referred to them as “gogs and fuckwits”…
4
Not sure about travel snobbery. I’ve never been outside Europe and don’t feel any great desire to do so. I think most people could be accused of snobbery in some area of their lives. Excluding aeroplanes I detest public transport. I deserted the buses on my sixteenth birthday when I bought a 250cc motorcycle, as you could in my day and I found the freedom intoxicating. I tend to regard drivers of Range Rovers and electric cars as fools.
Snobbery is a rich seam. Someone should do a nom.
12
There’s a difference between those who go somewhere for the experience and those who go there so they can brag about it afterwards.
I was out in Chile working and went to a fantastic national park. Went to a lake with blue icebergs washing onto the beach. Then walked 15 minutes to a restaurant which had an English tour group in. They were busy swapping stories of where they’d been, but couldn’t be arsed to walk to the lake!
9
I’ve had the shits in ..
India
Mexico
Egypt
Africa
USA
West Indies
Europe
UK
Travelling is great fun…💩
16
Snobbery (in any facet of life) is fine if you’re lording it over some bellend you can’t stand.
8
TS ” just got back from Mauritius!!”
MNC “oh.”
TS ” beautiful out there,
JoJo can’t wait to go back next year!”
MNC “why?”
TS ” why? Well it’s got miles of golden beaches”
MNC ” don’t like beaches”
TS ” and it’s got tropical weather”
MNC ” can’t stand hot weather”
TS ” eeerrr..it’s a interesting place”
MNC ” aye for you maybe.”
TS ” I took some videos of me jetskiing!
I’ll show you!”
MNC ” well I’ve found God .
First let’s watch this video from the Jehovah’s witnesses..”
8
I didn’t know you were friends with Timothy Spall, MNC..outstanding!
6
No it was that show off Tom Selleck , Thomas.
Travel broadens the mind?
Ok Magnum.
You do know your holding your crayon the wrong way round?
6
Knowing my propensity for fruity Hawaiian shirts in the summer, coupled with my lovely ‘tache, a couple of my mates labelled me ‘Fagnum’!
8
Magnum P.I could’ve been even better if Selleck had traded his Ferrari 308 for an Allegro.
8
Thomas@
I never watched Magnum in the 80s
But didn’t he have a fruity English butler?
A submissive, live in ,”older man’ .
A Schofield.
And Hawaii is a magnet for that sort.
Except Jack Lord he wasn’t.
8
When these cunts appear in the Rain Forest and up Mount Everest, they always leave behind a trail of trash, junk and human detritus. They have junked Mount Everest to the extent that it now resembles the litter strewn streets of a depressed London suburb. It only serves them right if they plunge 10,000 feet of a Himalayan precipice, or get speared by native poisoned darts in the Amazonian rain forest, or get their heads shrunk in order to provide a necklace for some ancient primitive jungle crone. Twats.
18
There are over 100 dead bodies on Everest that are impossible to recover.
6
Good.
A warning to other idiots.
North Face popsicles.
9
There’s also the unfortunate propensity for Nepalese forest murderers..
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.thenationalnews.com/world/asia/decapitated-belgian-trekker-found-in-nepal-1.391883%3foutputType=amp
4
Couldn’t the Sherpas just sledge down on them like in the Simpsons?
5
or a Huntsman spider to the face.
0
Far flung travel is dangerous. I last left the country to go to the USA in 2013. I doubt I’ll ever travel again. Planes seem to be full of drunks, fatties and inconsiderate types. Can do without that.
And yes, all these middle class Just Stop Oil protestors have racked up thousands of air miles. They are a joke.
14
Having never been anywhere, I can walk down any street in the world watching YouTube. Mixing and matching food and be home in time for bed.
11
So you are a snob if you moan about cunts standing as soon as the plane lands… no these cunts don’t want to stretch their legs, it’s fucking pathetic herd instinct to get off first.
7
Yeah, good point. I’ve given up on that shit. I just sit there until the plane is almost empty. Then I meet the test who thought he was 10 men because he barged his way off first at passport
control, no further forward than me but twice the Knut.
same as these twat that dangerously overtake on B roads, when I’m already driving the limit. Meet them at the roadworks 5 minutes later, except I didn’t risk anyone’s life to get there.
Fckng childish scum.
9
*twat
1
I hate travelling, the actual travelling it’s a fucking pain, airports and planes, checking in, passport control, baggage reclaim, travel to the airport, onward travel, delays, cancellations and yes other fucking passengers. I can see why the wealthy use private jets, if I had the money I wouldn’t travel with the dross.
9
Much less stressful when you travel on your own. Always there on time, couple of bevvies before the flight.
As opposed to the stress involved when your other half spends an extra 2 hours packing the kitchen sink and it all goes downhill afterwards
6
Dragging whining, ungrateful brats around an international airport is s fckng nightmare
4
I see planes as buses. You’re off to another country, but it’s still public transport, and you could be stuck there for ten hours, with lunatics, drunks and children.
Not for me.
1
It’s pointless spending thousands of pounds and travelling 10 hours on a plane to stay in a 5 star international hotel in some distant foreign country.
The food will be international, the staff will all speak English, the rooms will be furnished to an international standard and the pool will be immaculate.
You could be anywhere.
I bet that many ‘seasoned travellers’ never venture outside their hotels. It’s just another country to tick off their list and elevate their bragging rights.
A waste of time and money.
11
In my younger days I used to like (seriously) going to a Travelodge on the A38 and riding the life out of my bird without fear of interruption from horrid brats. Nice brekky in the morning, sorry about the sheets lol
5
You’re right, these backpackers are the same: travel from aitport to airport, bus to hotel, hotel to bar where everyone is Canadian, AUSSIE, Brit or Yank. Nevrr speak to locsls apart from thank you please, get on the bus, see a buddha statuecovered in cigarette ends and bird shit
2
dont why Aussie is cspitalised.
add Kiwi and Saf Afrikens, and Eurotrash who speak English in weird American accents.
Yet they know nothing about Britain, or where anything is..
The global tosser.
0
I’ve been through Europe – rubbish
Greece- worse than rubbish.
That’s it.
I’m to tall for plane seats,
It’s a fuckin nightmare from start to finish.
I’m not Michael Palin I’m not fuckin interested in some heat baked shitehole populated by brown people who bum goats.
I don’t like eating octopuses and weird shite.
I can get all that in Colwyn bay.
7
I’ve been all over the world Mis, and almost all of it is shit, either deserted, too hot, too cold, foul food or crime ridden shit-holes, not too dissimilar to Stoke on Trent.
Fck that, I think I’m being adventurous when I go to Sainsbury’s instead of Aldi.
8
Go to Japan Mis’. You’ll be mobbed. Food is half decent and it’s pretty vlean by most accounts.
Japan, Canada, New Zealand, parts of the US and Northern Europe. That’s about it, so my brother informs me.
China? Shithole.
Aus’? Burn your face off.
South East Asia? Humid and full of thieves.
Florida, flat, plastic, hot, boring.
Unfortunately, some recoomended areas of yankland have since gone to shit
1
Japanese food is crap unless you like the stench of vinegar which they put on fucking everything. Lovely country though. Been twice.
As regards the rest of the world, you’re all about 30+ years too late.
China was great. Wouldn’t go now. Ditto Russia, Maldives, Fiji, most of Europe. All spoilt by overdevelopment and/or greed.
South Pacific is nice. Too remote to make it worth fucking up but I expect they’ll get around to it eventually…
0
Enjoy watching nuisances getting their comeuppance, when traveling.
2
The wise words of International Playboy Bez out of the Happy Monday, “I didn’t like China much, it was full of Chinese”.
4
Good nom.
What about Cruise cunts? I could cunt cruisers all day long.
4
Fuck cruises.
A company that I once worked for used to take the management on one every year.
Even though I am a miserable cunt I was always invited.
I never went.
I don’t want to spend 10 days with cunts that I work with.
And I wouldn’t want to spend anytime on a boat with cunts I don’t work with either.
Endless queuing up for food and trips.
Every fucker pretending to be a millionaire.
Getting dressed up for dinner.
Captain’s table?……. Fuck off.
8
My sentiments exactly Mr Cunter.
Fantasists wanking away their hard working kids inheritance. My folks loved a cruise. 3 a year in fact. Gave it the big one about the captain’s table and all the interesting people they met (and arse licked as they were proper pretentious social climbers). They regaled us with their cruising stories from their shitty end of terrace on a shitty estate in the shitty part of a shitty city and I just sat there wondering why grandad who had scrimped and saved his whole life left a bundle to a pair of utter fuckwits that couldn’t manage a premium bond. Spunked the fucking lot right up the wall.
Bitter? Fuck yeah. Cruises are like crack for these plastic fuckwits.
3
I’ll tell you what loves a cruise;
Norovirus.
Especially the Caribbean ones full of 70 year old Americans in their diapers, double dipping at the seafoof buffet, spitting crabmeat everywhere before they ‘take in a show.’
What’s funny is when the ship hits a wave and rolls, destroying the illusion and sending the fatties flying and a knee or ankle has to find the deck while the drinks they were holding spill over them and they need 3 waiters to get them to the toilet.
Boohoohoo.
2
Love cruising but never on a boat that holds more than around 100 people. Hard to find and pricey but at least it keeps the cunts off that like mingling with a few thousand other cunts.
Did these fuckers never watch Titanic?
2
Small boats are best. Not that I’ve been on a cruise, but one can dream… I like the idea of a Rhine – Danube one. Or Douro.
Why would anyone want to spend a fortnight on a floating Arndale Centre?
2
How about those libtards who jaunt off to Afghanistan or other dangerous places?
I fucking love it when we then see Toby getting shoved in an orange jump suit pleading for his life. You fucking idiot. We even had two lefty birds who wanted to prove how welcoming the locals in the Moroccan mountains would be. Ended up raped and beheaded on camera.
You go to an obvious warzone or back of beyond tribal shithole, don’t expect my tax to save your arse in my world.
10
I read that BBC2 is showing a programme at 9pm about Morocco CB. It sounds wonderful. The spiel is replete with terms such as; “young creatives, culture, thrilling new art forms, pioneering women artists”. Do you think you may be judging the Moroccans a little harshly just because they raped and murdered a couple of white women?
2
One white woman who was raped by locals in West Africa blamed the west and white racism.
These people are beyond help.
7
Didn’t take much ‘raping’ by the sound of it.
3
Miles Routledge is the cunt I believe you are referring to. That waste of spunk cost somebody who helped our boys a flight to safety. Danger tourist? No. Fuck wit. Go and get fitted for your orange suit you cunt.
3
So after all this time I’ve finally been cunted. Well bollocks ‘cos I’m off again at the weekend…
1