Sweaty spuds

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Summers here again ☹️
And the heat!

For those who work outdoors this is a double edged sword.

Maybe your a sun worshipper?
Like a tan? Showing off your stage 2 skin cancer down the pub,
Looking like a pepperoni stick.
Some people are like lizards.

I hate it.
Dripping in sweat, blinded by the sun
Drinking gallons of water just so my kidneys don’t pack up.
But mainly because my spuds are stuck like silly putty to my thigh.

It’s torture!!
My arse crack turns into a small water feature.
My undercrackers are like Jacque costeaus.

I know what those cunts in the Foreign Legion feel like now!
No wonder they forget.
Anyway,
Soon be Christmas
Mustn’t grumble.

Google images

Nominated by Miserable Northern Cunt.

79 thoughts on “Sweaty spuds”

  1. Now these goggle images mis, when I click on them it’s not going to be you from the last trip to the naturist resort?

    Phew!! I imagine those monkeys have less body hair..

  3. 31, 32 degrees.☹️
    That’s a outrage!

    Only thing that can live in that is Scorpions, dung beetles, dinosaurs an flies.

    My next door neighbour is Aztec.
    A sun worshipper.
    The stupid cunt sits in a deck chair from sun up to sunset.
    Looks like fuckin Marge from Benidorm.

    “Oh I do like a tan..”
    If she needed a skin graft she’d have to go world of Leather.

    I myself am now dark brown and I avoid it as much as I can.
    It’s a travesty.

    With the beard as well?
    Look like a hate preacher on the way to Didsbury mosque ☹️

  4. Hot sweaty balls, stick an ice pack down there, shrink everything down a bit 😂

  5. Sudafed or drapalene the go to for nappy rash. Slap it on not too much mind and your tackle will be protected against jungle bollocks, athletes plums and many other crotch horrors caused by sweat heat and friction. Used successfully by myself and my comrades many years ago. I still use it now when the need arises and with climate change almost twice a year.

      • I’ve used the Sudafed now BB?!!

        Your not some struck off doctor are you?
        😁

      • Did you rub the Sudafed on the affected parts, Mis?

        Or did you do like I would, read the instructions and necked the lot, anyway?

      • I use something called Hipoglos, it is difficult to get hold off but it is like Sudafed on steroids. It is great for both Jock itch and Scrot Rot.
        Seriously try and avoid using talcum powder. When I was courting the present Mrs. Wanksock in the late ‘70s a good looking friend of hers was doing research into cancer causes and talc was a big problem.
        Plenty of washing with water and plain soap around the nether reasons also helps, particularly last thing at night.

      • Afternoon wanksock.

        Yes, it would appear that talc contains asbestos.

        Avoid like the plague.

      • MNC it’s all fucking lies cos they wouldn’t trust a mentalist, Atropine instead of insulin easy mistake to make similar syringes and all that. Shit he went red for a while and the blood pressure rose. The way I was treated you’d think the geezer had snuffed it. That bloody Shipman thanks to him a simple mistake is treated like a war crime. Not my fault they thought I was a doctor.

  7. I don’t work outside, but nonetheless, it’s too cunting hot. I don’t mind sun when abroad, but up here in them there hills it’s just revolting. Makes me more cantankerous than normal, it does.

  8. I love the sun.
    The hotter the better.

    Last August I was working in Córdoba, the hottest city in Spain and in Europe.
    50 degrees is regular there.

    I live first line to the Mediterranean.
    I have found that it takes 2 years to fully acclimatise.

    When I first moved here I had air conditioning put into every room.
    I had it all removed a few years later.

    It’s not good for sleeping in.

    No heating in the house, obviously.
    Just wear more in winter and less in summer.

    Inland the mosquitos are a real problem this year.
    People are covered in bites.
    They have had unexpected rain for few days which brings the flies out.

    I could never live in a cold country again.

    I have never seen ice here first thing in the morning.
    No windscreen to scrape.

    It snowed very briefly about 10 years ago for the first time in 97 years.
    People were taking photos of the palm trees and the beach with snow on.
    Even the pensioners had never seen anything like it.

    Britain does not have good weather.
    The occasional day of sun followed by an evening of thunder storms.
    Your bodies can’t cope with the changes in temperature and humidity.

    • Good weather we may not have, this is true.

      We are not, however, surrounded by the lazy, feckless, dishonest Spaniards.

      I know what side of my bread is buttered.

      • True.

        You are surrounded by lazy, feckless, dishonest Albanians, Rumanians, Bulgarians, Afghanistánis, Pakistanis, Africans, Blacks……. Etc.

  9. Avoid talcum powder, at all costs, unless you enjoy having to use a hammer and chisel to remove your shreddies, as I found to my cost in my younger days.

    • It’s really strange the way that the Germans tan.
      It’s obvious that they are on their first evening here when you see them in the bars bright red.

      The sort of red that would keep anyone else in bed and in pain for several days, with layers of skin peeling off.

      It doesn’t seem to affect the sausage munchers at all.

      The next evening when you see them they are deeply tanned.

      I don’t know how they do it.
      If you sneak a look at the sun cream that they use on the beach it’s just the same as everyone else buys.

      • I look at a bottle of Sunny Delight I get tanned.

        My nuts like that cunts from Hot Chocolates.
        And my necks like a alligators ball bag.

        But it’s mostly my moods.
        From bleak desperation to acidic wasp like temper tantrums.
        Fuck me☹️
        When will it end?!!

        An the dogs inconsolable too!

      • They remove the original contents and replace it with some secret concoction that they refuse to share with the rest of the world.
        Typical!

      • Yes, it effects me the same way Cuntis.☹️

        I try to spread the misery.

        Make babies cry

        Tip cripples from their wheelchairs

        Put a roller skate on the stairs at the institute for the blind.

        Fun stuff!!

      • Sun cream’s one to avoid.Same deal as talc.Sold as a positive but the exact opposite.Effulgent with nefarious chemical additives

        .Best buying a tub of Aloe Vera gel if you’re the bizarre types who enjoy frying on a beach for hours at a time.Infukinsane.

  11. Can’t imagine 50 degree heat, prefer a cold frosty morning myself.
    Some love the heat, but not me.
    But the worst thing? Flip flops, the ultimate in slovenliness.
    By the pool, beach or in your own home, ffine.
    I don’t want to see people’s ugly dirty sweaty cheesy filthy athletes foot and bunion ridden hairy toed feet.
    And the fucking noise, schlap schlap schlap.
    Burn them all!

    • You can avoid the schlap, schlap noise by wearing a pair of socks with them.

      But I agree.
      There are families that come here and they change into their shorts with no T shirt and their flip-flops in the arrival hall of Alicante airport before getting on the coach to their awful resort in Benidorm.

      • Wonder if i could get a rottweiler to curl one out just in front of them, schlap schlap splat.
        The joy of seeing it oozing between their toes.

    • I don’t think his head could have been more red if he’d stuck it in a pan of boiling water for 10 minutes ( if you want well done, 7 mins if you want soft boiled)

      What a fucking idiot!

  13. Take my advice. iI they are causing discomfort, whip them off.

    You can get this done fairly cheaply in Turkey. Or maybe in one of those shifty Turkish barbers which infest our once great high streets.

  14. The great British Summer outfit!

    Trackie bottoms and no top, or
    Baggy shorts and no top.

    For the laydees.

    Skin tight shorts and a lacy vest thing, or
    Skin tight shorts and a sleeveless top that has been woven by Guatemalan parrots.

    All with flip-flops.

    • Not me JP.
      Baggy ain’t Alf hot mum shorts,
      Motorhead ♠️ t-shirt and work boots.

      I took my shirt off whilst working in the garden and my daughter made me put it back on.

      Said my nipples looked like slices of pepperoni.

      • Rather unkind, Mis.
        My Lass always says I look nice, even though I’ve more wrinkles than a 100 year old tortoise, and the dress sense of a 3 year old.

      • I’ve got to an age where I don’t like throwing away clothes. Got a t shirt that I still wear which has more holes than not. Hanging off me. A rag. Mrs hates it. Have a vest top grew out of. Buy a new one? Fuck that.

        I ripped the neck front and back and cut a few inches under each arm. My nipples poke out the sides and it looks fucking ridiculous.

        It’s comfy when it’s hot though. Once got in the car to go with her to the supermarket in it to wind her up 🙂

    • More camel toes than the Jordanian Camel Corps, Everything on the bounce hard to concentrate when I drive the main road through the village now the tourist season is in full swing.

    • shaved yes, talc no.

      When left unchecked, my pubis resembles an unkempt Newfoundlander dog. Or Phineas Freakbrother. depending on the viewing angle.

      Come springtime out comes the Wilkinson sword beard trimmer and I shear the lot off.

      Failing to do this will invite a sweat rash that spreads about like a mad woman”s shite and takes weeks of slathering Sudocreme to heal.

      Shave your gentleman’s patch and treat with a cooling anti perspiration deodorant to keep the Betty Swallocks at bay.

      (Do not get deodorants down your hogs eye. It burns like lava)

      • There’s a lot to be said about a back, crack and sack, when you’re all hot, sweaty and feeling like you’ve pissed yourself.

        Not for me, the ‘misadventure’ with Johnson baby powder left me, well, smooth, but the resultant itching as it grew back….

        I wear a kilt, instead, and let it all hang out.

    • SHAVED?!!!

      I don’t even shave my face,
      Not about to start shaving my love spuds.

      Who do you take me for ?
      John Inman?!

  17. Les Miserables: “Now I know how the Foreign Legion feel.”

    Are you Stan or Ollie in that scenario? Perhaps you’re more like that wild-eyed Scottish actor.

  18. Swamp arse is bad and all.

    Sweaty arse crack which can leave skidders. If you get rampant piles and swamp arse together, your undies can look like an butcher’s bin.

  19. Even though it might seem like a counterproductive misnomer, putting Deep Heat on your nuts and arse crack actually cools them down in the summer.

      • Come to think of it, I bet benders put Deep Heat on their winkles before plunging in and 🔥 both ring and helmet.

  20. I’ve got a mate, a chef, damn good one too.

    He was telling me even with aircon if it’s 30 outside its more like 50 in and his balls drip all day – new meaning to chef sauce…

  21. When people get burnt and suffer in the sun I think, “Fuck them”.

    They have options.
    Keep in the shade, use sun block, wear sensible clothes.

    It’s the dogs that I feel sorry for.

    People take them for walks when the pavement and sand is burning hot.
    They take them to the beach all day with no shade.
    They leave them in locked cars, sometimes to die.

    And don’t get me started on the cunts that buy huskies here.

    • I take my pup out for p and p at 6am, when the weather is like this.
      I look like a horror, yesterday’s clothes, bed hair ( what little I have left), green teeth, I don’t care.
      He’s not getting heatstroke or burnt feet, and all those wankers I saw, at 11am, in shorts and vest tops, with a dog, I’d shoot them all.
      Careless, thoughtless cunts.

      • Oh, and they’ve all got a cockerpoo, labradoodle or some similar mongrel.

        Twats!

      • Evening JP…have you got your woofer a little paddling pool for July/August?

      • No, Thomas.

        I have a paddling pool for me and the Lass.

        Doggo gets a cool at.

      • They are delightful, in hot weather.

        Doggo has one.
        I have one under my pillow, always got a cool side.

        Pet cooling mats. A great product.

      • Artie@

        What you were saying about huskies?

        There’s a craze in the US for Shetland ponies.

        They’re presents for spoilt little girls.

        But Shetlands are native to, well, to Shetland.

        Cold ,barren, craggy, etc

        They go to balmy fuckin Florida and sunny California and they get Ill.
        Like I would if forced to go there.

      • It’s not so much of a craze, thankfully.

        But there are a fair few here.

        They rarely get on with other dogs, I think that it is because they are hot and uncomfortable all year round, more so in the summer.

        It’s cruel to keep a dog that is bred to live and work in temperatures in the minus figures here in Spain.

        I suppose they might be OK in the mountain areas up north, but not anywhere else.

  22. I shave my cock and balls. Have done for years. Much more hygienic and it makes your cock look bigger. Oldest trick in the book

    • I wouldn’t want to speak for everyone here but I suspect that is more information that people need to know.

      If you have been shaving your crown jewels for years then maybe you should invest in a permanent home laser hair removal system.

      Beware!
      Don’t zap all of the hairs out as fashions change.

      Watch Pornhub and you will notice that the bald fanny is now giving way to the Brazilian landing strip.

      Pick a design that you are completely happy with and go for it.

      Never shave again. Never have stubble or ingrowing hairs and keep your tackle in tip top condition.

      Er….. A friend told me all about it.

  23. Although i shave my tackle i’m a big fan of 70’s style hairy muffs like Ken Dodds haircut

    Evening Artful

    • Then with respect, I think that you are doing things arse about face.

      Without going into the lurid details, when Mrs Cunter is on the grateful end of one of my magnificent porkings she refers to the remnant of my bushy pubes as her clit tickler.

      If she had an overgrown lady garden she would not be able to benefit from that and not be so enamored.

  24. 50 year working outside stood in front of a gas forge in the hottest weather makes me an expert on sweaty nether regions, me Jean’s wringing wet from waistband to knees all covered up with a thick leather apron often putting a hose pipe down me undercarriage trying to get some relief. Fucking horrible no wonder I’ve got raisins and a cocktail sausage down there now.

  25. A nomination for Miserable’s arse crack and knackers is beyond repulsion. Bring on the Flabbots flaps to raise the tone.

  26. What a bunch of weak scrotumed wimps you all are. We regularly get days and days of 40+ degrees in the summer here in the antipodes. Do we whinge and whine ? No, just shove an ice cold tinny down yer dacks. When it gets warm put it back in the Eskie and grab a fresh one. Make sure you give your best mate the first one when he calls round for a beer.

  27. A mate of mine had a sweaty nadgers problem during hot weather. And it was the strangest pong. Like yeast crossed with a monkeys nest. Well minging.🤢☠

  28. Manscaped ball chafing cream is very good for this problem. It has a slightly minty twang when you rub it on your balls. The misses doesn’t complain either when I dangle my balls in her mouth, obviously not chemically.

  29. Mis, I feel we as a collective should heed your cry for help on hot days and establish an action group. Next time it gets a bit hot (like 15c, that’s hot for me), put a shout out and we the collective will rally our nearest trooper to attend your castle and roll your damp and saggy baw bag in a bit of luxury kitchen roll until such time that your clockweights are arid enough for you to feel young again. Not that shit kitchen roll, I mean the shit that’s like underlay. 3 quid a pop stuff. Will cost you nothing more than a nice cuppa or 3 weapons grade ales. Champions will do.

  30. Go commando, manscape and switch to a quick dry/ lightweight shorts fabric.

    Apply zinc dioxide cream twice daily. Shower twice daily.

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