The government have announced that from April, its thick as pig shit citizens are to receive mobile phone alerts for serious weather events, such as flooding, or even possibly terror incidents.
All sounds noble enough and it will apparently ‘save lives’.
Yet we all know where this is leading when they use the word ‘initially’.
‘Initially’ it will only be used when there is risk to life, but you can bet your bollocks it’ll morph into risk to health or the environment.
Our phones will be emitting a siren like wail whenever the temperature drops below zero, or there’s a 10 percent chance of a centimetre of snow, or if the thermometer goes over 20, or it hasn’t rained for a fortnight.
Yes we can alter the alerts in our settings, but big brother strongly advises we don’t, which probably means they’ll change it so we can’t.
Apparently it’s used by the USA, Japan and the Netherlands and good luck to them but the last time I checked, we aren’t at risk from tornadoes, tsunamis or earthquakes.
I look forward to my phone howling advice on applying sun block at 3am.
What a load of cunt!
Nominated by Field Marshal Cuntgomery.
I detest electronic ‘tracking’ devices such as phones, tablets etc, so as I must have a phone, I keep and still use my non android Blackberry which is also pay as you go. Don’t get bothered with fuck all.
8
Great phone goes mental as it’s -1c, bit more rain than normal, transbender spoke to in a hurty manner trying to access womens changing room. Terrorist attack, not if peacefuls are involved powers that be try to keep a lid on that sort of thing (peacefuls being cuntish). Bet lots of alerts due to right wing action. Bloody hell one would expect that most people can look after themselves, I mean do not put the washing machine on if there’s three foot of water in your ground floor simple things like that obvious really. What about the zillion languages spoken in the London area all that translating and the cost of a human rights/equality study so as not to insult any weird shit cultural practices. There must be a fucking massive forest of money tree’s somewhere, my quest for 2023 is to locate that forest and spend like an English government.
5
“Please stay away from Dungeness.
Doctors, nurses and architects being unloaded…….the most vulnerable people in the world.”
This message brought to you by the Sir Tony Blair Institute in association with Sir Gary Lineker, Director General of the BBC.
6
***** St Georges Day alert ****
“The far-Right will be gathering to celebrate the racist national day of England. Be advised you may see the Cross of St George and possibly Morris dancing. Diversity is our strength”.
12
Yeah it’s interesting that they choose April 23rd as the test day. Is that to divert attention away from the celebration of “toxic” Englishness and the display of the “far right” Cross of St George?
Probably not but I’m a “conspiracy theorist”……..a label that means “shut the fuck up nutter.”
I know my place.
8
Its the death of William Shakespeare too of course. How racist can one day be? These white supremacists are just rubbing peoples noses in it now.
2
They are preparing for the event of a nuclear bomb.
9
It’s more likely to be a missile these days…
But bring it on, I say!
Better to evaporate in our beds than live on our knees.
16
*bzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…*
‘Here is your four minute end of the world alert! This is not a drill! Prepare for impact by bending forward and pushing your head between your legs. Now kiss your arse goodbye…’.
7
Four minutes? Time for a large scotch and penetration with the love of your life👍
That’s how I “brought in YK2” with er indoors.
Fuck fireworks and “Auld Lang yawn”-rutting like wild animals is the way👍
Evening Ron😀
9
I can provide co-ordinates for the house of commons if needed. What three words – cunts in westminster
3
This, of course, is a load of bollocks and a total waste of time.
There will be no warnings of any use. There will be more terrorist attacks because those cunts are allowed to do what they want, when they want. After the next one, it will just be the usual ‘we were aware of this person’ and ‘Don’t look back in anger’ crap we always get when one our carpet riding friends have created more carnage. This will change nothing.
14
David De Gea needs warnings that the players in front of him are gutless cunts. (Casemiro aside)😢
7
Too right, CG. And Newcastle saying they owed Man United one? Yeah, we know. From 1996, when their beloved ‘messiah’ Keegan cracked up on Sky Sports.
That said, as long as Manchester United’s match going support makes a cult hero out of a player who would struggle to get a start for the local pub, then the club is going nowhere. We are fucking laughable, biggest club in the world my arse.
Harry Maguire should be melted down and sold for glue.
6
No arguments here Norm.
Hurry up and build that ducking time machine, you fuckers-so O can get back to the 1970’s👍
2
Yeah, 1970s – 3 day week, power cuts, militant unions, winter of discontent, inflation averaging 12% – bring it on!
Oh, wait a minute…
7
Not being a cunt, I like to talk football with all fans (maybe except the spuds). After the most recent Arsenal v Man U game, I walked back to Kings Cross with a Manc. We had a great chat about our various teams and their woes. I have a lot of sympathy for teams like Man U who seem to be being ficked over by their owners. We went through it at Arsenal and who’s to say it won’t happen again once the Kroenke’s have lost interest/had their line of credit called on?
3
Imagine Mohammed, tooled up, strolling around your local High Street shooting the fuck out of Infidels. “Run, Tell and Hide” they tell us.
So, there we are hiding behind the door of some shop, shitting ourselves, hoping the cunt spots some Jew or other juicy target up the street. Suddenly all our phones go off at the same time warning us that jolly Mo is on the prowl.
“Oh shit……”
As always these out of touch wankers just haven’t thought it through.
Useless cunts.
6
Will the phone also display a bumble bee and play an Oasis dirge after the ‘warning’?
4
and tell us it’s only a lone wolf with mental health issues, diversity is our strength, we’ve learnt lessons, etc. ad nauseum.
3
It should send me a text when get a hard on and a warning to all the ladies out there to watch out.
0