Kenneth Branagh

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Why do women, like my wife and sister-in-law, think this wannabe Olivier is some kind of genius? Why has Mrs Polly dragged me to see “Death on the Nile”, the first time I have been to the cinema for over two years? And what was the last film I saw then? Yes “Death on the Orient Express” starring and directed by Kenneth Fucking Branagh. Imagine paying money to watch him with his ludicrous Terry Thomas tache and pitiful French accent.

Just think. He was married to Emma Thompson and then had an affair with Helena Bonham Carter, possibly the two most unsexy women in history. To make things even more dire, although he is a luvvy he is a supporter of Rangers, whose knuckle-dragging fans make Millwall supporters look like Aubrey Beardsley/Oscar Wilde devotees. One of the misfortunes of being born in Belfast I suppose.

Nominated by: Mr Polly

62 thoughts on “Kenneth Branagh”

  2. Dear dear Kenneth .An absolute darling of the BAFTAS. A triumph of the boards. I’m writing him down as part time qwar.

  3. Like most luvvies, undoubtedly a bit of a cunt.

    But he has done some good films. His television adaptation of Shakleton’s foolhardy but heroic Antarctic adventures was very good. I liked his Henry V and Hamlet as well. And he doesn’t take himself too seriously, hence the clowning around in Harry Potter films.

    Not the most offensive cunt around.

  4. He always reminds me of that other duckie darling Hugh Grant – you always feel they would have been at home pre-1967 when “it” was decriminalised and they took upon themselves a wife and mistress to try to stop suspicion falling on them. Think Cliff Richard without the singing. Pre-Wolfenden Stephen Fry’s.

    I think they both “bought” fame thanks to generous critics with fat chequebooks, because they were both fair at Shakespeare and the elderly critics went to a production of “Twelfth Night” and just fell in love with their Bottoms,

    Suffice it to say, I am sure they are both devotees of Sir Keir, and Mandy is just an absolute angel, ducky……

  5. I’d have a go on Helena Bonham-Carter…or at least I would have before she got old and frumpy…she was no Gemma Arterton but would have done at a pinch.

    Unsurprisingly I only watch Jason Statham films or ones where the lasses get their tits out.

    • Glad to see you love testosterone fueled cinema DFF. I always thought HBC was doable as well. In Fight Club she was hot. Emma Thompson appealed to by Sense and Sensibility and I could picture doing her in a field of daisies with her dress over her head. Not sure why.
      Time to watch Rambo again.

      • Bonham-Carter probably stinks of French cigarettes, petouli oil and mildew😢

  6. Branagh is a luvvie so is most likely a cunt, but it’s hard to single him alone out. However, if he in particular grips your shit, then I guess it’s a fair cunting.
    Bit harsh on Emma Thompson & Helena Bonham Carter to single them out as the most unsexy women on the planet though, there’s a whole shitfest of munters I’d put before those two.

  7. Ducky darling!!
    How wonderful to see you!
    Kiss cheeks!!💋

    Luvvie.
    Wasn’t Kenny with that Emma Thompson hypocrite?

    Anyway, hes in love with himself.
    You can tell.
    He projects his voice,

    ‘what a wonderful rich voice I have’

    I prefer Steven Seagull and that murderer, whats he called,
    Alec Baldwin.

    • Mnc@ – Steven Seagull? That fat fker tried to nick my chips in Brid once!
      Actors? Paid a fortune to play dress up and pretend – although I do like the film “Nude nuns with big guns” purely for its artistic content of course, daaahling, daahling!

    • Hey Mis – Steven Seagal?

      He’s ace. He may be tubby with a seriously dodgy syrup, but you wouldn’t call him a cunt to his face. He’d fold you up like an Origami lesson.

      Can’t think of another actor whose career contains excellent films (Nico era, middle of the road/mass appeal films (Under Siege era) and just plain bad cliché nonsense films (the rest). Have to say, even his terrible films are good because they’re so bad. A guilty pleasure of mine is collecting Steven Seagal movies. They’re fun to watch.

  8. Sir I agree with everything you say apart from HB Carter being unsexy. She is so sexy my cock hurts.

  9. All actors give their best performances when they are playing characters closest to their own. For example, Ray Winstone as various cockney wankers and dirty old slag actresses fortunate enough to be cast as dirty old slags.
    In Ken’s case it’s his part in Rabbit Proof Fence, an Aussie cinematic classic…….an arrogant, nasty, up his own arse fucking know it all fucking cunt. Perfect casting.

    • He was bloody good in Fortunes of War, as was Em. But then I suspect Ken of being a wishy-washy, neo-Marxist academic, therefore playing to type. I’m afraid he revealed homself to be a cunt re Orient Express, as he tried the vigilante justice thing to argue against Brexit. Hoey, what a massive twat. And as for his visual appearance as my best friend Aircool, well, Wankagh looks more like Albert Schweitzer (who, incidentally, was to have been played by Billy Connolly, an EXCELLENT choice, IMHO, but Jeroen Crabbe got the part…).

  10. I hope he remakes the Death Wish series.

    Charles Bronson was superb but possibly too macho.

    • Hes currently starring as Billy Casper in the remake of Kes.

      ‘darling! Youve killed ones kestrel!
      Beastly.’

      • Actually Poirot is Belgum not French… and Belgium had an ‘i’ in it

        Furthermore, ‘Belgium’ still does have an ‘i’ in it – and a comma is/was required after ‘Actually’, which functions here as an introductory sentence-level emphasis modifier and not an adverb.

    • Dear PC You are indeed living up to your name you pedantic cunt you. The word “French” here refers to the language spoken by Poirot and not his nationality. Tant pis mon ami!

      • It’s only CS talking to himself. I think he has four different accounts here at the moment.

      • GJ@
        Pedantic Cunt isn’t CS!
        Shes been on ISAC before I turned up.

        Think shes Chas Cs missus,
        Not sure?
        But definitely not CS.

      • Evening MNC, of course you are correct, and I apologise to Pedantic cunt.
        That still leaves three talking heads!😀

  12. What the fuck is he doing making movies without having a bloody n*gn*g as the lead actor? It’s a fuckin’ national disgrace is what it is. Everyone knows that when Enid Blyton wrote Death on the Nile that he intended for Hercules Parrot to be bleck!

    • Yes, the dead Lindbergh kiddy could’ve been played by the nappy-filling eggand on that annoyin as feck ad for, oh fuck, whatever it is…. Everybody knows Lindbergh was as bleck as yer hat, as we’re the Wright brothers!!

  13. One would imagine that Helena Bonham-Carter has an appalling-looking fanny, despite Mr Fiddler’s statement of adoration earlier up the comments.
    It would look and smell like a particularly bedraggled badger that had been hit by a tractor and had sat deteriorating on the grass verge at the side of the road.

    • “It would look and smell like a particularly bedraggled badger that had been hit by a tractor and had sat deteriorating on the grass verge at the side of the road”

      …catch them fresh and you’d be surprised…I don’t care about a pulse as long as the bugger’s still warm.

      It’s perfectly legal as long as you weren’t the one who actually ran it over,apparently.

      • Is that what badger baiting is, Mr F?
        Those sexy bager corpses tempting an over-excited fellow to commit acts of horrific debauchery?

      • It’s not “horrific debauchery”…it’s tender,gentle luurrvvin’.

        I like to keep the front-end and back-end of the badger in the freezer ( don’t need the middle bit) and just pop the necessary orifice into the microwave for a minute when I’m in the mood…one “ping” and it’s afternoon delight for me…easy rinsed under the tap and shoved back in the freezer when our “rencontre secrète avec amant” is done too.

        As an environmentally aware person,I like to think that the animal hasn’t died in vain.

      • And you can eat it after the honeymoon period has worn off! I didn’t know he supports Rangers, should fit right in at Ibrox singing “Fuck the Pope” and spitting at the fenian bastards. Some cunters defending his work here, have they never seen Peter’s friends? Epitomises everything that is bad about British cinema. As does Peter Rabbit, I was hoping they would all get run over, especially that cunt Corden. Watched it all the way through cos I heard there was a happy ending, but the tasty bird didn’t even get her tits out!

      • Yes we are fortunate to have a poet among us.

        TTCE is a visionary, like Byron or Shelley

  14. Branagh’s film Belfast is full of types who were not around in those days.He said he had to include non-white actors to secure funding.What the fuck is wrong with accuracy of the past?
    I don’t really believe him, children are being taught that we have been multiracial
    for centuries, and will always winkel out any sam beau of any worth in place of the thousands of brits,
    I read in a history book once a African type found a stick and it took them centuries to know what to do with it!

    • Well that isn’t exactly true.

      It was the Bonobos who invented the stick for digging out tasty termite treats. It took the African types several centuries of starving to death before they figured out how to use that stick, like their close but far more intelligent relatives

      Several millennia later, they figured out how to sharpen a stick so that they could kill any other African type who dared to Diss their termite digging stick.

      And that is pretty much where they are on the evolutionary scale today. Stabbing each other over trivial nonsense and still starving to death.

  15. Its been Sir Kenneth Branagh since 2012; blimey, missed that.

    Wouldn’t say he’s a cunt but his dramatic work has never really left much of an impression on me. Seems very samey no matter what he’s in, apart from his turn in Harry Potter as Gilderoy Lockhart- he was made for that role. Perhaps he should do some more comedy.

    Here is that moustache wearing Sir Ken, good for a laugh any day:
    http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/912xn/p05ly6s0.jpg

    • Kenneth studied drama at the John Wayne school of performing Arts.

      After a bad case of dry rot and a infestation of woodworm he luckily recovered after doctors gave him two coats of creosote.

      He had gone on to be a celebrated actor playing the part of Kenneth Branagh in many films.

      • We can send him a packet of budget wafer thin Tesco Ham and a leg off an old table for Christmas.

      • In the words of renowned thespian Johnathan Wayne

        “The hell we can..”

      • Unlike John Wayne, Brannagh believes the he himself, is “Tru-lee the son of Gawd”.
        🧐

        Afternoon Mis 👍

      • Hiya CG👍

        That clip of Roman John at the crucifixion never fails to make me laugh.
        The film crew must of been wetting themselves?

        Get him to do it again, another take, hehehe 😀

        Nice to see you back pal!👍

    • Defo Albert Schweitzer, that pic. Albert Finney and David Suchet were born to play Aircool the diminutive Belgian.

  17. His Russian accent in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit sounded like Alexander Meerkat.

  18. This fuckin limp wanker would be on my shortlist as a potential guest for a good ol Barrymore pool party, he would even bring his own Rounders bat and tub of Lurpack.!

  19. Kenneths love for all the world is a stage, is sadly beyond his ability even though he feels Olivier inside his hole
    Wallender was fucking comatosed with his portrayal of sleepy emotion
    fucking chancer like most of em but you have to admire his persistence and pretence
    probably read one of those motivational books when young , *you can live your dream even if you are useless*
    before the inter web of course

    • I quite likes Wallender, all the actors who played him did it in their own way , like poirot, rolf Lasswade was the best because he liked to get pissed up and say what was on his mind, anyway Wallender had lots of hot swedish women in it, I would have banged all of them

      • i fell asleep in most episodes Sid
        it was worse than *who hah* al pachnokia up in alaska chasing mork and mindy around and fucked tired at the same time

        its worser than watching a film that’s set in the nightime throughout.

    • admin. i quite liked the arselick face i had all along as my avatar
      why would you change it ?

      Not guilty your honour. No idea why your avatar changed. Sorry – NA.

  20. Peter Ustinov as Charlie Chan is the benchmark for detective characters 👍

    Everything else falls short 😂

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