Noise – Just STFU Please!

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Perhaps its because I’m getting older and far less tolerant, but I did find noise to be a right old cunt!

Clearly circumstances differ for different people, but in my case I’m awakened by a noisy cockerel doing the “cock-a-doodle-do” 50 times over at some outlandish bloody time.

Then there’s all the audio notifications from my various tablets and phones, some of which I have to leave on because they’re work-related regarding server or job failures etc.

Add to that the racket in the kitchen with the microwave pinging, and the coffee machine peculating, the toaster pinging, and the washing machine whirring.

Then the missus wakes up and almost instantly she switches on either the TV for the BBC news bollocks, or the radio, and some awful 80s radio station. And off she chirps trying to sing with some old cunt pop stars from her era. But quite frankly I’ve heard better noise from the pneumatic drill the local water company are currently using to dig up the same bit of road they dug up about a year ago to fix a leak in the same pipework they laid a year ago!

Then you get the sheep and cows bleating and mooing; and that fucking cockerel is still giving in large an hour after waking me up!

From time to time we might get the military from Eskmeals firing missiles overhead and into the sea – all part of their practice just in case we get invaded. And add to that the RAF and USAF flying their jets overhead, again for a bit of practice, but they’re noisy cunts whatever they’re playing at.

Hop into the car and the dashboard emits the usual beeps and bleeps, and some cunt tells me to fasten my seatbelt.

Then you have the smug-cunt voice on satnav telling me where to go, and when I do get to a customer site they’ve always got a TV/radio blaring in the background.

Cut a very long story short, but even out here in the rural sticks of west Cumbria you still get noise – either noisy devices, noisy animals and/or noisy cunts (especially in coffee shops, Greggs and supermarkets)

Seems that people can’t live without loud irritating noise !

Nominated by: Technocunt

70 thoughts on “Noise – Just STFU Please!”

  1. Quietest place I ever went was rural west Dorset. Sat in my mate’s garden and it was so quiet it seemed to hurt your ears – strange feeling.

  2. There is far too much noise. In my house from the spouses irritating TV that goes on the minute the walking compost heap comes paddling down the stairs in the morning. and slumps her fat arse her chair – on goes the TV and the “classic” soaps (i.e. very old episodes), but as they are all on commercial channels we soon start getting the adverts for AnalEase Dodds knickers for women who piss themselves and an especially irritating one where a bunch of whores sing in extremely childish voices “‘i’m so excited” (not sure what about – big black cocks probably), the portentious music for some specially minted coin to Commemorate Prince Andrews Fall From Grace (only 5000 will be struck), and those silly cunts for Marc Jacobs who look as if they have escaped from a French loony bin,

    If I had known back in 1964 what I know now, there would have been a late addition to the Brides In The Bath case…..

  3. Why do cunts on (for want if a better word because I don’t actually watch on , Telly ) shout at each other Reminds me of TIWAS and that was shite. Apart from Sally’s Tits.

  4. In the summer months the cunt three doors down goes out in his back garden about 3 or 4 times a week and plays the fucking bongos for about an hour. Does my fucking head in but apparently it “relaxes” him.
    Still, it’s better than listening to his bullshit about Jeremy Corbyn, “real socialism”, the wonder that is the EU and fucking veganism.
    Fucking hippy cunt.

    • Hell is other people. Worse thing about summer is cunts playing shit loud music with the car windows open.

    • Where’d you live. ?? Bongos!!

      Umbongo umbongo da drink it in the Congo. Remember that little ditty anyone?

      • “ way down deep in the middle of the Congo” 🤣

        Talking of other acts of noise cuntitude one of my pet hates are cunts parked up using their hands free phones with the windows down and the speaker turned up!! , why would you want every cunt within 100 yards to hear your conversation?

      • I wonder what the sugar to juice rate was in umbongo? I love the way the advert makes it look like it’s laden full of exotic fruits and it might actually be good for you , after trading standards had quizzed Nish kumar they might wanted to retrospectively talk to Libby’s ( had they still been around)

  5. At least you can understand the noise pollution produced by your wife’s television and radio. I often go to sleep to the quacking sound of Chinese soap operas featuring hysterical crying Chinese women which my wife, inexplicably for an educated woman, watches on her iPhone every night. It’s driving me round the bend.

    • I hate noise and I hate noisy cunts.
      Something wrong with people who cant be quiet.
      Its really quiet here at the moment,
      Sunday at 6-8am is my favourite time,
      Just birds in the garden tweeting away.

      Some cunt will ruin it.

      • Morning MNC…imagine if your morning peace was disturbed by a bunch of asylum-seeking cyclists who decide to get their prayer mats out and started their medieval chanting right outside your house!
        You’d be forgiven for running them over in your work vehicle.

      • Its more likely to be one of my halfwit neighbours.
        Powertools on a sunday morning,
        Or the gobshite next door who cant talk below a shout.
        That cunt loved the ‘clap for the NHS’ bollocks!
        Any excuse to make a fuckin racket .

        Morning Thomas 👍

      • Lived in a flat once above a nice enough bloke, but his voice had a lot of ‘bass’ to it. Even if he was talking quietly, the walls and floors would vibrate.

        He was a nice enough bloke, it wasn’t his fault. But there were times that I’d hoped he’d do himself in or summat.

        But he lacked the public spiritedness to do it.

        Some people are just fucking selfish!

      • PS

        I even put hidden tape recorders in his walls set to go off with a message saying “Kill yourself. Everyone hates you” when I knew his Mrs was out.

        Apparently, this is ‘illegal’ and the judge showed little mercy, and as he sent me down he said it was ‘the cruelest case of psychological torture he had seen in his 40 years as a judge ‘

        The world has gone soft.

        Cuntybollocks
        Prisoner number 45337
        Padded cell no: 67
        HMP Broadmoor

      • When younger and my lad was a toddler we lived in a flat and the bloke above was a piss pot.
        Hed have his deadleg mates round and theyd get louder and louder as they got pissed.

        I had a word, told him I worked nights, my lad was little etc.
        He’d apologize,
        Then do it again the cunt!

        One night I snapped,
        Politely knocked on with a axe and explained that id smear all of them over the walls if they so much as farted .

        Never a peep after that!
        Some people are piss takers and need a gentle push in the right direction.
        The noisy twats.

  6. I dislike all unnecessary noise but what boils my piss is the office girls night out in the local restaurant. A dozen or so husseys crammed into micro dresses may appear be attractive but you know that two drinks in they are all yelling at one another couldn’t care less about other diners.

  7. Very quiet here. Arable farming so no animal noise. Harvest sometimes goes on late but no big deal.
    But:
    With a westerly/s westerly wind the fucking turbines sound like a tumble dryer or trying to sleep on a plane.
    Question for erudite cunters – If you look at a map of UK wind turbines it seems that the wind doesnt blow in the home counties or the Cotswolds. How else to explain the lack of these fucking things in these areas. Can anyone explain this curious fact?

  8. Luckily I allowed Motorhead to ruin my hearing so time back.
    Now I’m blissfully unaware of many noisy cunts.

    They are still cunts however.

  9. Fireworks
    Those shitty chav cars that exhausts backfire
    Sunday morning powertool enthusiasm
    Little dogs yapping none stop
    Popup roadworks with kango going
    Pissheads BBQs
    Lights going out
    A kick in the balls
    Thats entertainment..

    • You are Paul Weller and I claim my £5 Stanley Road* voucher 👍

      *Stanley Road in Woking, where Mr Weller was born, should now be pre-fixed with “P.aki”-judging by the 21 century demographic of that road😢

    • Noisy exhausts are a particular hate of mine. From some cunt on a 125cc motorbike who wants the cunting thing to sound like a grownups bike, and by grownups I wean a cunt who has put a ‘performance’ exhaust on their sports bike so they can annoy people several miles from them, to the chavvy skum that their stupid dickless car pops, bangs and snarls as they drive around in first gear, these are the cunts that spoil my reasonable peace.
      And dogs. Barking, yapping dogs. The cunts.

      • I concur with the car ignition-banging malarkey.

        The bikes get a bit of a reprieve-because a tuneful exhaust and a whiff of burning 2-stroke oil, bring back the nostalgia of my youth😀👍

    • Mnc@ – Charvers on da noisy mopeds with their buzzy exhausts.
      When they accost my ears as they ride dangerously two abreast, or the fucking infuriating habit of riding in groups round the town tooting their horns like 5 year olds.
      It is only a matter of time before I take a chainsaw to one of them.

  10. You’re correct so much noise all the time that you can barely hear yourself think. Seemingly wherever you go there’s a bloke with a chainsaw, fuckin’ great hammer, power tools, barking dogs n screaming kids ….
    My hearing was fucked up by artillery in a now infamous friendly fire incident resulting in my low tolerance threshold for junk noise of any kind.

    Anyway, I’m now gonna do something that I ordinarily wouldnt do and that’s make a racket on a Sunday. I need to jet out a blocked sewer pipe … there’ll be much swearing and kickin’ of stuff cos I do not like messin’ with shit. Not one bit.

  11. Loud music cunts are the worst. When I was younger and living in flats or terraces (lucky enough to live in a detached house now), there was always one inconsiderate cunt who’d blast shite dance music or rap ‘music’ at full blast on a work night at 2am. Usually some doley cunt.

    Got into a few rows because of it. I told one cunt that he was keeping me awake and “I might be too tired to do a proper day’s work tomorrow to pay for your fucking dole.” Cops told them off and they’d just start again as soon as they fucked off.

    Don’t have it now thankfully, but cunts like that should be given the death penalty.

    I’m not kidding either.

    Hang the cunts in front of their crying children.

  12. Offices in Oz…on the phone or talking to each other so facking LOUD.

    Indonesia huge open plan office five or six conversations going on, barely a murmur can be heard. Similar in PNG. They just know how to interact without making a facking racket

  13. I’m lucky enough to be serenaded by police /ambulance / fire brigade sirens every three minutes on average.

    Add that to the local carpet pilots drag racing their ferraris and Lamborghinis, letting them backfire on every fucking gear change and of course the local pissheads having their usual tear up down the street in the small hours.

    Living in London is a cunt.

    • I used to live down the road from Milwall FC. Had a church out my back window, great for ruining your Sunday morning lay in with bell ringing. And the train route out of london bridge.. NEERRRRNAWWW!!. And the cunts up, below, left, right of my flat, stomping, shouting.

      We had single glazing too. I’m surprised I actually survived and didn’t go fucking mental.

      Fuck London. It is hell.

  14. It was ever so noisy – fat cunt giving it “you can’t hang me brr, brr, bit of Latin – it was all weasel Whittys fault and the “get out of jail free card” Sir Fiddler sold me didn’t work”..
    Acceptable noise.

  15. Adding to my nom list of noisy cunts, even though we’re barely through winter there’s a cunt up the road who has already started with his garden and DIY projects.

    I can hear his lawn mower, strimmer, hedge trimmer, drills, hammers, electric saws and other noisy contraptions that by right should still be hidden away until at least March. But not this cunt – as soon as there’s daylight (toughly 8am at the mo), he’s out there in his garden with his mower.

    He’s a nice enough chap to talk to, but other than a punch in the face, a brick through the window or a keyed car door, he just won’t take the hint to STFU until at least 11am

    Cunt

    • Oh, and I forgot to include those cackling, screeching Karens who “worked” in my office when I was working full-time for an IT company years ago.

      Every Monday morning I could hear them, screeching and cackling like demented witches talking about some soap opera, reality TV or the latest celeb gossip.

      And of course they wouldn’t al gather round a desk to “chat” but shout across the fucking room! And one of the bints used to chew her food really loudly while banging away on her keyboard.

  16. As a teen, Lake Windermere in the winter was beautiful, no fucker on the water, except me and my canoe👍

    Easter till late October was cunts speeding on jet-ski’s, speedboats and water skiing cunts👎

    Banned now and all the better for it.

    I remember canoeing down the middle of the lake at 7.00 am, the mist on the calm surface, hanging in the air like ethereal clouds.
    The only sounds were the gentle “splashing” as my paddle cut the surface. Ducks quacking their morning hello’s, as I cut a rapid path over the dark waters of the ancient lake.

    All was well with the world.

    Until some cunt from the RAF decided it would be a good idea to “straith” the surface of the empty lake by breaking the sound barrier at an illegally low level-tha absolute cunt.

    You get no warning at those speeds.😢

    Any retired RAF cunters, flying fast jets over the lakes circa 1985-thank you. Thank you so very, very much.
    Sincerely.
    🧐

    • Hehe, 😀
      Ive canoed on Windermere CG.
      Really enjoyed it.
      Some ‘outward bound’ course when a youngster.
      I fuckin loved it!!
      Camping in the hills and my favourite, ..potholing.
      Slithering through dark wet caverns like Di Abbotts gynaecologist!!

    • Have to disagree with you on this one CG, nothing I like more than the sound of a jet engine going full chat. When we lived in Erdington seven miles from Birmingham airport BA were still flying the old 111s and as they were climbing out the widows rattled. I would go out in the garden to listen to them. When I had calls in Worcestershire I took a route through back roads in the Vale of Evesham and once had a Tornado cross the road 100 yards in front of me at about forty feet off the deck. Made my day. Used to fly over that area in the eighties and from 2000 feet watch a Tornado skimming the ground at high speed and then pouring black smoke as he spooled up to get back upstairs. Happy days.

      • I’ve been meaning to get up to mid Wales to visit the Mach loop, you can walk up a hill and look down on them flying around the valleys.
        Maybe this year!

      • I used to live a couple of 100 yards from Blackpool airport and, although there were only a few flights a week, I used to go into the garden and watch them take off. But they were nothing like hearing one of the Red Arrows fly overhead during the air show. You could feel the house vibrate. Tremendous!

      • I was working at Bristol Airport, standing next to the runway as the red arrows made a formation take off, smoke generators on full as they were participating in the Weston airshow.
        The sight and sound of nine hawks taking off in unison fifty feet away was a good day at work!

  17. Sounds like a living hell Techno, I thought I had it bad with my noisy, inconcerrate, Porto neighbours and their brat Mad Pablo, still air rifle for the Cockerell, turn all your shit off at night and have a word with she who must be obayed and that will take care of some of it for you.
    If only I had an air rifle…..

  18. Fuck this, you noisy bastards.
    Off to the peaks,
    Brisk dogwalk, then pub.

    Play nice you crazy kids.👍

  20. Having spent the morning up until now reading ISAC I’ve been told by the missus it’s either her or ISAC. For that reason I have decided to leave the site for a while.

    As soon as her case is packed and the taxi comes I’ll be back on.

  21. This nomination couldn’t be more timely. There’s an upstairs apartment above a salon, which is next door to my bedroom. The owners of the salon have been renovating it for their daughter. Really nice couple, always asked if they were disturbing me.
    Unfortunately, the carpet fitters didn’t share their considerate attitude. The cunts turned up at 6am, and made a right fucking din, hammering, dragging carpet around etc. the wall between the two is only one brick thick, so I shouted “ you cunts, my only day for a lie in”. Nothing stopped.
    Ruin my day and I’ll ruin yours you cunts, two large nails perched under both back tyres of the VW van. Wished I’d done all four, the cunts.

  22. Leaf blowers.
    You fucking lazy arsed, gormless deaf motherfuckers need to reacquaint yourselves with an item known as a ‘besom’. Do it quickly before I push one up your cunting indolent ring piece you pecker wood numpty. You ain’t a landscaper, you’re a noisy wanker, imagine, if you will, how your head would look with your hellish contraption surrounding its exterior.
    Just fuck off and buy a broom.

    • I have genuinely never understood the point of those fucking things. You wouldn’t use to one blow shit around on your carpets so how can blowing a tonne of leaves around your garden be called cleaning ortidying? I have 2 lawn rakes, one stiff and a more flexible one, and I rake the leaves, twigs etc to stick in the bloody bin.

      • Moggie, then the wind blows it all back and perpetuates a never-ending loop.
        The fuck do we have Unkle Terry’s oven for anyways ?

      • We have a fairly big garden without a single tree but, come Autumn, we seemed to half the leaves from every tree for a 200 yard radius piling up on the lawn. Luckily, or not, a lot of the neighbours have had their trees cut down.

      • Moggie-a Stihl Br600 Magnum leaf blower is a gift from above, for owners of large gardens with many large trees👍

        Raking my gravel driveway (hundreds of metre’s long), 3x times a week would take hours and hours. Using the blower takes minutes👍

        Think of it like using a hand saw vs a chainsaw to log up large diameter trees.

  24. It’s no wonder everyone is so fucking rētarded these days when you can’t hear yourself think.

    Noise and light pollution. There’s your real fucking global emergency. It is legitimately sending everyone loopy, including the animals.

  26. I´m really on your side here Techno. The world is just full of noise you can´t escape from. One point annoys me particularly and that is the noise coming from engines – trucks, cars, motor bikes, tractors, trains, planes etc. If the car manufacturers can start making a transition from oil-powered to electrically-powered engines, surely they can make engines that don´t pollute the atmosphere with deafening noise. I´m talking about now not in 10 or 20 years´ time.

  27. Whistling cunts annoy me, you aren’t sounding anything like the bit from dock of the bay you tuneless cunt.

    And cunts who do video calls in public, fuck off.

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