English Cannon Fodder (The Ashes)

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**Breaking News**

Following on from another abject batting display by England in the second Ashes test, the England and Wales Cricket Board has issued the following statement;

‘Having taken advice from Sir David Attenborough, the ECB is urgently looking to recruit a team of jellyfish to augment the squad in Australia, as Sir David believes that they will display more spine than the current team. Any jellyfish prepared to embark for Australia at short notice should contact the Board asap’.

A spokesman for No 10 has confirmed that Boris Johnson is to convene a meeting of the COBRA committee, to determine whether the team should be recalled in order to prevent further humiliation to the nation. ‘The SAS and RAF have been placed on 24 hour standby, in case it’s decided that an emergency rescue and evacuation is necessary to stop further slaughter’, said the spokesman.

When asked for his views on the matter, cricket legend Sir Geoffrey Boycott snarled ‘it’s a bit o’ rubbish, is this England team; cannon fodder, nowt else. Aussies are pissin’ on us chips. This lot wouldna ‘ave bin paaaayed in t’ leather washers in t’maaah day, t’big girls’ blouses’.

Stay tuned for further updates as the situation develops.

BBC Cricket Link

Nominated by: Ron Knee

And there’s more. This time from Cuntybollocks

The Ashes Test series

This is something I look forward to every two years. The current series is taking place in Australia, and England have managed to give Australia the series win before half the alloted playing time has been completed. Believe me, that means it was a fucking slaughter.

I think our test team should only play blind and spaccy teams from now, so the can be competitive. It’s been a fucking embarrassment.

I also want to cunt the Aussies too, for patronising the ‘indigenous’ Aussie they put in their team (an ‘Abo’ I think. I didn’t realise until they said so. I just thought he was an ugly cunt). The Aussie team were chasing him around, mobbing him and slapping his back, even between overs and even if he hadn’t taken a wicket.

The cunt played well to be fair, but it just felt like the Aussie crowd and the team were treating him a bit like ‘Ooh who’s a clever little monkey boy then?’

Maybe the ground staff messed with the pitch too before we batted and made sure it was flat when they batted? Or stole our team’s bats and replaced them with wonky ones? You never know with a country made up of the offspring of convicts, I suppose. Yes, these grapes are fucking sour.

Still, well played Australia, but I’d put the England team in the stocks on their return (apart from maybe Root, Malan and Anderson).

And well played that ugly abo cunt. No need to patronise him like that though, FFS.

77 thoughts on “English Cannon Fodder (The Ashes)”

  1. Bolshy bloody foreigners – this is the kind of attitude we get when we refrain from occasionally invading Countries!
    I would go myself of course but I am unsure if I could claim the expenses back as a “business trip”..

  2. Give it to the Aussies, they’ve walked all over us.
    This England team is a fucking embarrassment, which will shortly be creeping its way back home to a ‘welcome’ of sullen silence.
    Losing and winning come with any sport, but fucking hell, couldn’t they have put up a bit of a fight?
    Wankers.

    • It’s as if they’re fucking thick, that’s what got me.

      After the first test, any cunt could see we were:

      1. Bowling too short.
      2. Batsmen playing and edging balls they didn’t need to go near.
      3. Slips too far back. Loads of potential catches falling a yard short.
      4. Defensive fields to protect run rate rather than trying to get the cunts out, like the Aussies were doing. Test cricket is all about wickets you thick cunts. It’s not 20/20.

      Second test comes around…and pretty much fuck all changes. Thick.

      Third test. The bowling was better, but everything else stayed the same, the stupid fucking cunts.

      And that peaceful cunt who keeps getting a game (opening the fucking batting the useless twat!) is fucking hopeless, but undroppable it seems (probably racist to do so).

      Anyway, I’d bring them home to save them further embarrassment in the last two tests.

      And then send them to the tower.

      Well played Australia though, just a pity we couldn’t give you a game.

  3. Good luck to the Aussie’s-the poor bastards have had very little to smile about, in the last 2 years.
    Sport is massively important to them and giving the “Pommies” a good shoeing, will feel like Christmas, all over again👍

    • In the last two years the Convicts have been…well, Convicts. Let the boguns have their little victory after being imprisoned and shot at with rubber bullets.

    • What do the Aussies have to do to get a fighting response out of English cricket? Show up in Stukas over the Thames?

  4. Geoffrey Boycott has been extremely critical of this woeful performance, and not without justification. However, if I remember correctly, didn’t Boycs make himself unavailable for England when Lillee and Thomson were tearing through the batting in the mid 70s?
    Just saying.
    That doesn’t alter the fact that the current lot are crap, mind you.

    • I think you’re right Geordie; couldn’t stand the thought of getting his batting average dented, never mind his head.

      • Quite right Ron. He was probably the best defensive opening batsman in the world at his peak, but he just played for himself. He was never a team player.
        He ran a few of his team mates out as well, which is why I smile when he criticises run outs when commentating now.

    • I reckon the English team feel shitty enough without us putting the boot in. It’d be like making faces at the window lickers in the special needs bus. Perhaps the selectors may have more luck scouring the hotels full of dinghy folk.

  6. Why would any sane young man put himself forward to anything when his twattish tweets will crucify the cunt 10 years later. Why would any sane person do the same to become an MP. What a shit show of bullshit.

  7. Couldn’t give a fuck about the England cricket team these days. They’ve gone all woke just like the England football team.

    I don’t know if they bend the knee before a game, and spend too much time fretting about upsetting some dark skinned cunts, but to be honest ever since Sky grabbed the cricket back in the day I lost complete interest. And now with all the woke bollocks and former players from the Commonwealth somehow trying to race-bait with some tenuous stories from the old days about racism in the lockerroom, well fuck all that. Life is too short.

    Wouldn’t surprise me of the Ashes was turned into 1 day 100 ball hit & run kind of game given that a lot of millennials just don’t have the patience for a slow 5 day game

    Then of course you have Wimminz getting involved and soon you’ll have the transformers joining in with the other vacuous talking heads.

    Test Match Special on Radio 4, along with Test Cricket on the BBC/CH4 with the irrepressible Richie Benaud, was the pinnacle of English cricket.

    Today its just a load of touchy-feely bollocks. And as for the England team and their WAGs, they won’t give a shit about the result – just so long as they look good on social media and enjoy 2 or 3 months in the sun, that’s all they care about.

    Fuck them, and the stumps they rode in on!

    • I wish that the ECB had asked me about my availability before the tour started. They could have saved themselves a few bob.
      I’d have been more than happy to go on an all-expenses paid midwinter break down under, and make a complete cunt of myself for half of what they’re paying any of the current bunch.

      • Think of all the lateral flow tests Ron, not to mention having to self-isolate and deny yourself the pleasure of what Mrs Knee has planned to stick up your arsehole!

      • Harvey Price, randomly wafting a bat around his head, like that mad cunt at the end of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, would’ve done no fucking worse Ron.

      • “the BBC/CH4 with the irrepressible Richie Benaud, was the pinnacle of English cricket.”

        Benaud was a Convict.

        “….aww, det’s a good effort der by Steve Smith. He’s rilly tampered with der ball superbly. Bonza use of the fruit pastille. Aww, fack yee.”

  8. Couldn’t give a flying one about cricket but its bad form to lose so embarrassingly to the colonials. Just wait until the Morris Dancing playoffs in Little Manningford, you antipodean rogues!

  9. Piss poor.
    I don’t watch cricket any more since the BBC decided they couldn’t afford it.
    SKY coverage is so bad as to make it unbearable.
    All in all its the same sort of rot that’s been around for decades..too many batsmen with poor discipline looking to flash at the ball when they should have patience.
    Graham Gooch scored 333 in a match I watched.
    No sign of any heroics presently.
    Watery rubbish.

    • Yes, and followed it up with a ton in the second innings; still the record number of runs scored by a player in a single match, I believe.

    • Shackledragger will be unbearable gloating over this!!😁
      But fair play to the Aussies,
      Beat us fair an square.
      We are Englishmen, in defeat we are sportsmanlike and magnanimous.
      Good job really, weve had plenty of practice.☹️

  10. Luckily I was so disgusted by the racism exposed by Azeem Rafiq in first-class cricket that I didn’t watch The Ashes and will in future only watch The Wimminz cricket.

    That Rachael Hayhoe-Flint would get a length if she wasn’t dead and probably a bit ripe by now.

  11. There are few constants in the Universe, the speed of light, Hillary Clinton bitching, the England Football Team and their inability to score a penalty and, of course, the England Cricket Team and an inevitable batting collapse… It was a joke back in the 70’s when a fan called from a phone box and agreed to hold confident that the batsman would be back before the coin ran out.

      • Top Cunting Ron.

        I have been trying to post a far more lengthy riposte myself but can’t for some reason. Tech?

        Pleased to see so many cunters getting involved in this one. I fucking care about red ball cricket!!

      • Thanks Isaac.
        If you’ve posted another response previously, perhaps it went into moderation?

  13. … it’s only a game. No big deal surely … the ol’ leather on williow nonsense. I much prefer the sledging … it’s a fuckin art form … totally non pc so what’s not to love. The retard wokies would fret themselves to death (great idea btw) if they caught wind of that little ritual. 😃

    • That documentary series about the 2013 Ashes played some of the stuff picked up on the stump microphone, which was never broadcast live of course.

      Let’s just say quite a bit of it would be deemed ‘homophobic’ now lol. A few were offering each other out for fights later.

      Fucking ace it was lol.

      Also recall an interview with former England wicket keeper, Jack Russell. He’d not bathe or wash himself, clean his teeth or change his undies or socks, or wipe his arse for about 2 weeks before a big game. It wasn’t due to some mad superstition. He wanted to make the opposing batsmen uncomfortable. If England were using spin, he could get really close to the batsmen and give them loads of horrific abuse, whilst smelling like a dead camel.

      What a mad fucking cunt lol.

  14. Hey cunters did you not know, it’s all about taking part after all there’s no losers, we are all winners. Shit I feel sick after saying that, where’s my safe place….

      • G’day Ron, we lost to Asstralia, when we broadcast Prisoner Cell Block H, it was downhill from there on.

      • Oh, yes! and that shit stuck, but no more Kylies pert arse, just Shirtlifters, Paki’s, Bliks and Trannies, the full rainbow, with neighbours like that I’d be moving.

  15. The england team may as well have put kate price in the team. At least she dos’nt mind being totally fucked.

  16. Off topic but a quick shout out to the beebs resident hard done by black ex footballer Ian Wright.

    It’s nearly time for the Africunt Nations tournament again where quite a lot of top Premier league clubs are due to lose key players for up to 5 or 6 weeks.

    The clubs who sign African players know this and aren’t in any position to complain when the tournament comes around and star players fuck off for a month, but hang on a minute… Ian reckons any media criticism of the African nations is just racism in action and nothing else.
    He also added that “nobody ever complains about a European player wanting to play in the Euros”

    Well Ian, in case you hadn’t noticed – you dumb fuck – the Euros is traditionally played in the close season and not slap bang in the middle of the season.

    As per usual – looking for racism everywhere leaving no stone unturned.
    What a cunt the man is.

    • Thing is, I don’t think people complain anyway. They might moan about losing a player, but they’re not complaining. Ian Shite Shite Shite is probably too thick to know the difference.

      Every cunt knows the risk of signing an Africunt. They fuck off for a month or so for the Bongo Bongo Cup and tend to fuck off on holidays whenever they feel like it during the season, like Aubameyang at Arsenal, his mum is (allegedly) ill, but in a top hospital he’s paying for and she couldn’t be in better hands, but he’s decided to fuck off for as long as he feels like anyway.

      • Aubamacunt is Mesyt Ozil Mk.2:

        He plays well, signs a new contract for an obscene weekly wage, then stops performing👎

        The fucking cunt.
        Arsenal have plenty of superb young talent-so fuck him off to Barcelona👍

  17. People will have paid good money for a telly sports subscription, to watch this massacre.
    The daft cunts.

  18. ECB are the prime cunts in this shit show.

    The county game is in its death throes, club cricket is dying on its arse, the game is not played in schools (except private ones) and all they want to focus on wham bamb limited overs stuff.

    But never mind all that when the chief executive can award bonuses for the ‘100’ competition they have introduced then all is well and they don’t give a fuck about the ashes or the national embarrassment.

    If I were the broadcast companies that have been televising the debacle from down under I’d be bashing the ECB doors down asking for the money back.

    I love the game, have played and watched since a school boy watching Both in the eighties, but it’s dead on its arse now and like all UK sport is riddled with woke and just concerned with chasing the money.

    OwwwwzAtttttt???? Not out you cunt

    • You are correct of course, but the preparation was shite.

      If the series is in England, the Aussies play their league cricket using the Duke’s ball to prepare. They also send their test players to play a bit of English County cricket for a few months at least.

      If we were serious, we’d have played last season’s County matches using the Kookaburra ball and the players due or trying to get selected would’ve played a few months in the Sheffield Shield (Aussie County cricket).

      Instead, the cunts were too busy playing in every two Bob bit ‘crash bang wallop’ show, in places at home and all over the world. All fucking year.

      Well, I hope that complete humiliation was worth it you greedy cunts.

      Yes, they have a right to make money. Lots of it if possible. They say crowds are low and income poor from County cricket. This is true. But the top players hardly ever play in it, so perhaps that’s why no cunt goes. Who’d pay to go to watch Man Utd if all the first team players fucked off to India, The Caribbean, Bangladesh or wherever to play for some foreign franchise for 90% of the season (or for another franchise in England) ?

      It’s a given crowds are low for county cricket. It goes on for 4 days during the day and people are at work. But ignore it and the test team suffers. And the crowds for England’s home test matches are always sold out, so there is interest.

      They’ve been humiliated due to greed, but also from a lack of preparation too. The Aussie players chase the 20/20 or the 100 cash too, but if they are due to play the Ashes in England, they try to mimic our pitches as best as possible, use our ball and play a few months of County cricket in England too.

      This tends to avoid total humiliation.

      We fully deserve this arse raping we’re getting.

      • I can’t recall the last time a List A player from England played Sheffield Shield Cricket, Botham played for Queensland back in the 80s, but can’t remember any doing it recently, A few have travelled to play Grade Level during an English winter but most seem unable or unwilling these days.

        Good point about the Duke/Kookaburra ball, I also think playing English county matches in April and September is a big issue, batting on soft juicy green tops is no help for the fast hard bouncy Aussie tracks….

  19. That’s a big urn.
    The original is tiny.

    But there’s loads of money in the game now so they have have a big urn.

    What with tv conracts and advertising it is a big earn.

  20. I identify as an Aussie fan of test cricket. And I also like a contest.

    So this farce had me miserable from the second morning of the first test.

    What’s the fucking point. Misery as every English batsman throws away his wicket

    Chaps, you gotta be prepared before you get here!

  21. In my “youth”, I had “encounters” with more than a few, Australasian wimminz.

    They all received a thorough fucking.

    English pride restored👍

    Hurrah👍

  23. Ay up, I reckon England threw the test match, as a big fuck off gesture to the powers at be. Reason, all that wacist shite caused by that parkey in Yorkshire. If the twats had any brains they’d never pick an ethnic in the future for any team sport…I’ll bet the arsehole has put a claim in for discrimination….☠️

    • He seems to have gone a bit quiet since it was found that he’d been posting anti-Semitic tweets lol!

    • It would be just like the wassocks to win the next one; a typical ‘too little, too late’ effort by English teams.

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