Angry Birds

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A feathered cunting for early morning birds.

No, not the smug cunts who can rise with the sun and be as bright as a button and whistle their way to work. This is for the beaked variety, specifically Kookaburras and Cockatoos.

Now I know there aint many in the wilds of Northumbria or the gentle swales of Portmeirion but I have had two large mobs move into my neighbourhood and the bastards are making life a misery.

The noise they start making about 20 minutes before sunrise is incredible, making further sleep impossible.

You blokes with little Robins and Song Thrushes in your garden don’t know you’re born.

Nominated by: Grumpy Old Cunt 

53 thoughts on “Angry Birds”

  1. The only birds I can’t cope with early in the morning are the shrill voiced old tarts, glued to their ladyphones shrieking in the street yelling “dunno” or “yeh” or “fuck me” at the top of their voices.

  2. Listen Crocodile Dundee, I would happily take your feathery cunts over Jess Phillips, Lisa Nando’s, Anal-ease Dodds, Dianne Flabbott and all the other similar fuckers inflicted on us by Westminster.

    Invest in triple glazing, ear buds or single malt-problem solved.

    G’day mate!
    🤔

  3. It’s one of the trade offs you have to cope with for living in sunnier climes.
    Here, despite it being nearly May, it’s still near enough down to freezing every night. Still awakened by the sound of blackbirds, song thrush, robins and great tits. Do have the magpies squawking as well.
    My local song thrush seems to chant ‘Ricky, Ricky’ as part of its song and the male blackbird does a great mimic of a car alarm in his.
    Listening to the birds sing is something I’ve really got to appreciate, however guess this is partly to do with getting older. Feeding the birds and watching the badgers come into my garden to polish off the remains early evening and life’s simple pleasures. Especially in a world where I find more and more people are cunts.

    • Should be are life’s simple pleasures.

      Bloody phone tries to correct everything I type. Cunt!

      Technology and people boil my piss on a daily basis. Wildlife doesn’t. Well other than the heron that snacked on my goldfish and 2 baby koi and has forced me to net my pond.

    • You are lucky to have thrushes in your area. The once common bird is something of a rarity in much of England these days. They are real characters and once they know that you will feed them are regular visitors to your garden demanding soft fruits. I used to feed one every weekday morning at 6am who got grumpy at the weekend when I had a lie in until 7.30.

      • Indeed you are right Guzzi. We moved house 18 months ago and hadn’t seen a thrush for 20 years. Garden backs onto railway embankment, so plenty of wildlife including a pair of thrushes.
        At my old house had a lady blackbird that would come right up to my feet and even come into the kitchen waiting to be fed.
        The thrushes come to the pond for a drink and hunt in the garden for food occasionally. For the first time yesterday saw one eat some birdseed.

      • I saw a thrush in the garden this morning, quite a rare sight though.

  4. Most birds are a pest. I have one that’s always pecking the French windows in my living room. Another few feck around on the chimney making an incredibly annoying scratching noise which is amplified down the chimney. To cap it all they are constantly crapping on my cars threatening to corrode the paintwork. Cunts.

  5. Couldn’t Mr Old Cunt capture some of those Aborigines and keep them in his garden as bird scarers?
    They are fucking hideous looking things after all.
    You cannot beat an English Robin.
    Morning all.

    • Indeed👍
      I remember visits to Bournemouth beat him the early 90’s- Great Tits, everywhere👍

      • Beat him?
        Really? Fucking beat him?
        Who’s spirit infests this phone? Michael Fucking Jackson ☹️

        *Beach

        Apple, you have excelled yourself-cunt🤔

  6. We’ve got loads of Parakeets near me apparently they were let lose when African Queen filming finished and bred like fuck….. Hang on a minute there’s a pattern here ?

    • Morning Rob.
      Our nearby woods is full of green parakeets.
      Noisy little foreign bastards.

  7. Those kookaburra that Grumpy is on about are ace!
    They used to use the calls in old Tarzan films.
    Oo oo ooo ha haha…
    Magic!👍

    • Sometimes they used some other bird call “Araaaahh Araaaaah” in the adventure movies, never knew what sort.

      But sulfur crested fucking cockatoos are the loudest beasts I have ever heard, the group in their hundreds and sqwark to high heaven. And they just won’t fuck off the whole agitated flock ups and follows you around, screeching a devil’s caterwaul, ruining a nice bike ride or quiet wander along an aussie trout stream.

      Kookaburras are loud but not as intrusive, tends to be a chorus of three or four in a tree performing and trying to outdo each other.

  8. I remember when some utter Cunt convinced me that Guinea-fowl would be just the thing for Fiddler Towers….grand security and easy looked after apparently. Sure enough I bought a dozen .My God…the fucking noise…day and night it went on,screaming and screeching at fucking everything. It got even worse when the bastards went feral and occupied the wood by the house..it was like having a dozen air-raid sirens blasting 24 hours a day. Suffering the effects of sleep deprivation, The Hounds and I were so traumatised that we were eventually forced to reach for the shotgun…took a few days and I’m ashamed to say that we were reduced to doing the unsporting thing by chucking corn on the lawn to tempt them into the open where we could lean out of an upstairs window and get a clear shot at the sneaky little Fuckers.
    Took a week or two to get the last of the bloody things but I was actually sorry to see them gone….they were fucking tasty little devils…if slightly dry.

    • Many years ago had a peacock turn up in my back garden and hung around the area for about a week. Beautiful to look at, but it’s dawn chorus at 4.30 in the morning was unbearable. Thought it was being strangled. Grateful when it fucked back off to where it came from.

      • Had 4 of those Fuckers at one time too…I could stand the honking but they took to sunbathing on the car-bonnets of anyone who visited. I had a rather unpleasant conversation with a snotty woman who had come to look at a horse that I was selling. The peacock and one of the hens had scratched fuck out of her shiny new Chelsea tractor…the Bag seemed to think that I should pay to have the damage repaired….I didn’t…..she didn’t buy the horse either,time-wasting old Cunt.

  9. The only reason I’m up and posting is because of the Jackdaws that woke me up at 6.30am. They’ve made themselves comfortable in a nest outside my bedroom window. They do this squawking cacophony routine early in the morning and then for the rest of the day they’re quiet.

    Its like a green alarm clock, Greta would be proud.

  10. I don’t like birds.
    They are all creepy, feathery fuckers.
    Penguins are supposed to be birds, but they can’t fly, so what’s that all about then?
    Apparently herds of penguins can be spotted from space. You can’t see them individually but they leave enormous trails of shit everywhere that they go.
    The dirty, smelly bastards.

  11. There is a wonderful place near Abbotsbury in Dorset, that has sub tropical gardens. It also has Kookaboro’s, two different species. They are fucking big birds and have a big bill ! I certainly wouldn’t want to offend them that’s for sure!

    • In aussie picnic grounds they are experts at sitting very unobtrusively in the trees, waiting for the opportunity to swoop on an exposed sausage.
      So look out MNC!

  12. The ‘dawn chorus’, nowt better than birdsong in the morning.
    Lovely.
    Dont know about in OZ?
    How bad can it be?
    Maybe if their grandads had behaved theyd still be here enjoying the sound of the hedgerows?
    On the plus side they have crocodiles!
    Big murderous saltwater crocs!!
    And a signpost

    “Black lives matter swimming only”…

    • In the mid 70s in central Queensland the local zoo was full of crocodile skulls shot by the local hunters, around then they banned croc hunting. Mum used to drop me and my brother off at the local salt creek all day during the holidays to go fishing, not a care in the world. Happy days

      I visited a year or so ago and now the same creeks have fully restocked with man eating crocs.

  14. I’ve reported your unsportsmanlike activities to ‘ Shooting Times ‘.
    Your subscription is cancelled forthwith.
    Baiting domestic Guinea Fowl, indeed.
    Have you Italian ancestry ?
    You’re a disgrace.
    Morning, Dick.

    • Agreed and accepted…but in my defence I will say that “Needs must when the Devil drives”.

      Morning,Jack

      • I see you’re keeping quiet about the Italian heritage. I can’t say I blame you.
        It must be a terrible burden.
        😀

  15. ‘Feed the birds, tuppence a bag’ that song was written well before Wilcko got in on the fucking act. Toasted mealworms, pellets with lard, pellets that robins prefer, packs of three balls in a net, a regular smorgasbord for the little buggers.

    Like Cuntologist we have had jackdaws nesting and chucking moss off the roofs in our road, making a real racket. Handsome birds, though. Corvids are very intelligent, just like the virus that was so aptly named after them.

    Sorry, Grumpy, but I think the little feathered chaps are well worth the trouble.

    • Seconded.
      Morning Twenty 👍
      Corvid are really smart!
      We had a cat few years ago who upset a magpie.
      Dunno what he did?
      But this magpie waited for him every morning and attacked him!
      Didn’t bother with the other cat we had or the dog.
      The cat got neurotic, scared to go out!

      • Morning MNC, good morning everyone.

        I read somewhere that ravens were driving sheep over a cliff so that they had a steady meat supply!

    • Yes you’re right about the corvids. Tons of magpies, odd jackdaw and jay but also two crows. One is a regular visitor and brings food to dip in the water bowl. Bits of bread and even a Yorkshire pudding! I also had a large 6 inch stone in the birdseed bowl to stop the squirrels dragging the bowl away. Crow got fed up with it and saw him lift it out with its beak. I was amazed how it could lift it.

  16. Massive over population of buzzards here it seems, 27 of the bazztards I counted hovering over the other day. Owls are cunts in the evenings with the incessant screeching, pheasants in the mornings ought to turn it down a notch or three and I’ve got two woodpeckers going at it constantly right outside my window.

  17. Since moving to the western part of the Lake District National Park, we’re welcomed with a morning cacophony of screaming seaguls, squawking crows/jackdaws, headbanging woodpeckers, the odd pheasant and chiff-chaffs.

    And of course we also get the common pigeons cooing, robins & blackbirds singing, and starlings just being noisy chavvy cunts!

    • Would you like me to nip across with my shotgun ?…you won’t hear as much as a Robin fart by the time I’m done….are the pigeon nests easily accessible ?….I just love a spot of barely-fledged squab

  19. My Percy is fond of a cockatoo.
    However, not to worry, I’ve just enrolled him on a conversion therapy course.
    The problem is I’ve got to get him to Northumberland where the course is run by an eminent authority on the subject but has free swimming lessons thrown in.

    • I’ve noticed that a lot of pets tend to take after their owners,Bertie…Tell me…are you and Percy both rather “flamboyant”?….do you have a pink hairdresser-style jeep?…do you dine on Mr. Kipling’s French Fancies ?….and the real acid test….do you have a “Country Cream” front gate?

      • Ha,ha! 😊👍
        Morning Dick.
        My flamboyancy at the moment only extends to deciding whether to paint my kitchen magnolia or rose pink.
        That’s about as exciting as life gets under lockdown!

  20. I love birdsong, even the screeching fuckers. It’s the noise people make that fucks me off. First in the ‘shower of justice’ would be the chavvy cunts in stupid modified cars with noisy exhausts, backfiring, dump valve fucking pricks. Usually accompanied by shit dance music blasting out thanks to amps that made festival rigs sound quiet. Anyone who buys an exhaust that’s louder than it needs should be shot and fed to crows.

  21. Kookaburras are noisy bastards. I remember visiting my mum in hospital just after she’d calved my sister, there were lots of these little sods in the grounds. How anyone got any sleep in there is beyond me.

  22. At least they only make a noise – bastard birds here peck at the moss on the roof tiles and, where some tiles are a bit frost damaged, they knock bits off them. One tile has 1/4” split off it’s top surface because of this. I’d thought of shooting them with an air rifle but, if I miss, that’d cause more damage. Birds of prey might be the answer – how do you encourage them?

    • You can buy plastic birds of prey apparently.
      Try Amazon.
      Nail a couple of those fuckers on your trees and all the other birds soon fuck off.

  23. I’ve found a bird with great tits on the net, she’s called Liara Roux, problem is she doesn’t shave her armpits which puts me off. I’d have to tie her hands behind her back.

    • Bit orf the old tufties eh? Fraulein speciality. Aromatic perfection teamed with a slaggy cunt muff and a whip. Oh yes.

  24. Angry Birds? Out orf the remains of me mind recall the totally shite early computer game orf that name. About the only crappola playable on legacy BBC, Sinclair and Commodore and Tandy machines. Minimal graphics – small blocks orf pretzls beeping around.

  25. Just in: reduced the population of Woodpigeons👍
    Pan fried pigeon breast with fresh, stir fried vegetables. Drizzled with olive oil.
    Add a nice chianti..

    F..f..f..f..f.f.f.f😋

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