Fitness Apps

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Before lockdown, my choice of exercise was swimming. Something you can do now but not here in Leicester, but that’s not the cunting. It’s the apps. ‘How many steps have you done? Loads, probably because I’ve got the runs.’ Fuck off, you cunt.

I’m not allowed to go swimming, I’ve devised a speedwalk up and down three hills that I do three time times a week to assist with keeping me fit (can’t run, bad back – as an aside I’m listening to knee grows bitch about whatever on the fahkin’ news).

I’ve had few but fitness apps deserve a cunting.

CUNTS!

(Sorry admin. I’ve had ‘a few’)

Nominated by: Dark key cunt 

65 thoughts on “Fitness Apps”

  1. I haven’y got any “apps”…just got a basic mobile that I use at work. I can only get a very poor intermittent signal at home.

    I is deprived,innit..de gunnerment is racalist against vast Country Estate owning Gentlemen…The Cunts.

    • “Dem rasclarts! I goin to Boris an ting, axe da brudda wer free shit for MC Fiddlaa, he architect and grime artist and got no Ifone from racist whitey”! I’ll just stick that on twatter..
      I believe that should do the trick Sir Fiddler – expect a delivery of an Iphone, three Tonnes of fried chiggun and several knives delivered any moment with a note of apology from Dom/Assistant Boris! 🤣
      (I believe the first bit was the patois the tarry toots use, innit!).
      Fitness apps? Nonsense – get out for a walk!

      • You don’t think a Dark Key’ll deliver it,do you ? The hounds and I really wouldn’t like that at all…not that we’ve got anything against the spear-chuckers of course…it’s just that we don’t want to be woken from our slumbers to see some Joshua Nkomo type jumping up and down,banging his spear on his shield and babbling about ” Hungry croc in da water,boss” on the other side of my grant-maintained moat.

        Cunt’ll probably sign the delivery note himself and steal my iphone, chiggun and knives…he can wipe his arse on any note from Boris Johnson.

      • I asked a pt, black, obviously, where he was from because he was talking in that stupid faux gangsta Jamaicanesque accent. The city I work in. (Withheld for obvious reasons). ‘So why do you talk like that, then?’, I asked. Cue an embarrassed arsehole. Puts me into MI territory when they talk like that, prevelant on the telly and radio by trendy, frizzy haired cunts. The REAL Jamaican accent is melodic and they’re, the older generation, are some of the nicest people I deal with, but the ‘Yoot’? Cunts. Utter, utter cunts. There is a backlash coming.

      • I genuinely wouldn’t have a fucking clue what they were on about…no good trying to mug me..they’d assume that I was a deaf Cunt with Special Needs…time I’d bellowed “What the Fuck are you on about ?” at them a few times they’d probably get sick and fuck off.

        You keeping well I hope.DCI.

      • Can’t smile wide enough, Dick. Another year gone until I can claim my pension! You well?

      • I am well,ta….I’ve stopped reading the papers or watching the news….ignorance is bliss.

    • It seems there is an app for almost anything in everyday life, a lot of them pointless and catering to the dim-witted, lazy and bone-idle. Where would be the thrill in seeing the sheer panic on the faces of terrified ramblers when confronted by a gun toting Fiddler be if it was all done by apps?

      Afternoon Fiddler.

      • Yer right…..the pleasure I derive from popping up from a patch of bracken in the middle of some deserted fell and bellowing “Where the Fuck do you think you’re going? ” at some bobble-hat wearing,ski-pole clutching Cunt in a cagoule could never be bested.

        Afternoon,LL

      • …”deprived”…”depraved”…. I often confuse “i” and “a”unfortunately….as Gemma Arterton discovered when she asked me to examine her mangetout at the local vegetable show….I thought “minge toe” must be the new hip way of saying ” camel’s toe”….don’t think I’ll be asked to judge there again.

      • With your track record why the fuck did they invite you to be a judge in the first place?

      • After being banned from the leek club for cheating I must admit to being somewhat surprised at the invitation… must be my natural charm that did it.

      • Your obsession with Gemma Arterton is entirely healthy, Mr F….just out of interest, are there any other lucky actresses that have caught the Fiddler eye?
        Kate Beckinsale, perhaps?

      • Helena Bonham-Carter,Natalie Portman,Rachel Weisz,Audrey Tautou…and Lindsay Lohan….all get my nads pumping.

        Yourself,Mr. Cunt-Engine ?…..I’m guessing Margaret Rutherford ?

      • Hmmm….1945 Ingrid Bergman. Imogen Poots. Amber Heard (physically only, the evil nutcase bitch!), Bryce Dallas Howard and Winona Ryder.
        How hairy do you reckon Helena Bonham Carter’s fanny is?
        I’ll bet it looks like a rat king.

      • Prince Andrew likes Natalie Portman too…when she was in “Leon”…

      • Aye,it’s a fair bet that Helena has a fanny like a squashed tarantula…wouldn’t stop me.

      • That’s as amusing as it is disgusting! The thought of it’s turning my stomach.
        You and Tim Burton are brave men.

      • Apparently Prince Andrew likes the Harry Potter films too…reckons that Emma Watson gets sexier in every film…if you watch them in reverse chronological order

      • How the fuck Emma Watson got cast as Belle in “Beauty and the Beast” is beyond me. Her cunty personality aside, she’s average looking at best and her singing voice sounds like Harvey Price who’s stepped on a rake.

    • Had one of these cunts up in front of me recently supposedly doing their Oral Examination In Operative Surgery. Upon asking the candidate to outline briefly the indications for emergency craniotomy , his reply was, “ Wendedoktah cannatumdebongo makedepay shent bettahwid rubbin deheadwid demaggick leaves andesmoke frumdefyer they shud crakopenn de skull wid de saykrid ax inordah to let de eevulspiritz outa de hedd.”

  2. You’ll never have to hear from these cunts again if, once they bore you with how many steps they’ve done, you reply with “when are you going start actually seeing some weight loss then?”
    Even if (especially if) they’ve obviously lost weight.

  3. Hard work and dedication.
    Trying installing that on your phone.
    What a load of shit.

    • They’re big business, money in any fad or fashion.
      Im against them, not because they are bollocks (which they are) but because it cost me £150 for some wristwatch thing for the missus that counts your steps!!😣
      “Surely that could be done on your fingers luv?”
      I didnt have the courage to say.😁

      • You must have brought the ‘Flabbott Fitness 2000’ Miserable. It only counts up to ‘Twelvty hundred ‘.

  4. I’ve noticed that more people seem to be wearing “shitbits” on their wrists these days than sodding watches. I’ve just done a 2 hour walk in the local woods and now I’m knackered. I couldn’t tell you how many steps I did and what’s more I don’t give a fuck.

  5. If anybody develops a Sound And Effective Immigration Policy app, bung a copy Boris’s way.
    Apparently, a couple of yesterday’s arrivals consisted of a pregnant woman and some cunt in a wheelchair.
    How fucking weak we are, the nation that held off the Third Reich, can’t now keep at bay pregnant wimminz and the wheelchair bound.
    We must be the laughing stock of the world.
    Get To Fuck.

    • No need to worry, Priti Patel has appointed an ex-Royal Marine to organize the intercepting of small boats and the combatting of people smugglers. And how many years too late is that? We’re being governed by imbeciles.

    • A Cunt in a wheelchair?….wonder if it was like that James Bond film where the underwater car emerges from the sea…imagine sitting in your deckchair on the beach and seeing a motorised spacca-chariot, piloted by a whiffy black bin-bag that gabbled about “Free house,Free money”, tracking it’s way out of the waves and up the golden sands towards you.

      It would certainly put me off my ice-cream, I know that.

      • The cunts are so brazen, they’ll probably start turning up on pedalos next.
        Evening, Dick.
        Evening, all.

      • As you say…Adolf should have fucked off the Kriegsmarine and just hired a few of those pedalo-swans for a couple of hours.

        Evening Jack.

  6. download the app to tell you when to get up in the morning
    download the app to tell you to have lunch
    download the app to tell you when to have dinner
    download the app to tell you to go to bed
    download the app to blow your fucking phone up
    apps are cunts

  7. The NHS adverts are the worst.A dictatorship.Big brother is watching you.Piss off

  8. I must admit to being one of those cunts that uses a Fitbit – it helps with holding me accountable in regards to how many calories I’m eating and also makes up for the fact I’m shit at arithmetic. Although the one I have does have an exercise tracker which functions poorly, comes on randomly and doesn’t have an obvious way of being turned off.

  9. Every cunt wants to live forever!!
    Ridiculous.
    We’ll all be dead shortly,
    Life expectancy in 1891 for men was 44yrs.
    We’ve been lucky we are ahead of the game!
    So everyone having a nice Sunday? 😁😁😁

  10. Off road a mo….

    Appears the Left is eating itself – Dawn Lardbutt has accused the Met of “racially profiling” her (as ‘sub-primate’ presumably) and is now calling for Cressida Strap-On to resign, though that bit was too late for the report below:

    https://news.sky.com/story/labour-mp-dawn-butler-accuses-metropolitan-police-of-racial-profiling-after-being-stopped-by-officers-12045860

    Needless to say, Lardbutt has a long history of playing the race card at every opportunity. She recently made up a story about a House of Commons official in a lift mistaking her for one of the cleaners. 🤣

  11. Off piste…
    Just heard a rumour who the Tory MP arrested for rape is.
    I hope it’s not true.

    • Ooh! You are a tease! I think it must be an ex Secretary of State for Justice. Once revealed, it’s gonna blow the Tories apart.

      • If the good Captain hopes it’s not true then presumably it must be a leading Brexiteer or someone held in some esteem on these pages. That rules Boris out.

      • Leave me out of this, you cunts. I’ll set Pauline on you big you’re not carefu

      • Evening compatriots. It could just be Lefty stirring but it’s a prominent Brexiteer who you would mark well.
        Probably gossip by pro-EUers.

      • Rees mogg?
        Doubt hes got the strenth?
        Bet its Scowling Matt Hancock!
        Creepy Dominic Cummings held his trousers

      • Iain ‘spunk un’ smith?
        Liam ‘Fucks’?
        Id suspect Michael Gove if it was a young lad

      • Rees-Mogg’s offspring could have a football match with Johnson’s offspring.
        The One-Mother’s v. The Many Mothers.

      • Tell you who needs a ‘fit bit’ that Mark Francois!
        Right fat cunt!
        Bet he doesnt get laid much?

      • Ken Clarke’s Fitbit will probably die from underuse as he shuffles from clocking in to dozing off in a comfy armchair, to the Peers’ Dining Hall then maybe another nap on the benches once he get to the House of Lords.

        (But will fill out his daily expenses claim with all due haste, no doubt – Admin)

  12. Wish it was wee Nicola krankie getting done !!!!
    I can safely tell you guys that ian ( fat boring cunt ) blackfords unfit bit doesn’t work
    Well since he ate it anyway

  13. Just find an exercise partner on Tinder (or Grinder) and don’t take the lower position.
    Don’t worry about what she looks like, put a bag on her head.. hmm.. just in case wear one yourself as hers might fall off and if he’s from Grinder your looking at the back of his head while your sweating like a rapist. Indoor exercise is generally safe if you wear one of those rubbery things.

  14. ‘Fitness’
    ‘Apps’

    Two mere words heating blood sufficiently to boil a good few calories away.

    *Thumbs up* !

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