House-Martins are Cunts….not the band, (although I’m sure they are Cunts too) I mean the birds. The little bastards have built nests in the top corners of one of my bedroom windows and even I don’t like to knock the nests down when I see them swooping in and out. They must have built them in a couple of days…I never noticed until I realised that there seemed to be an inordinate amount of shite on the window…and it’s just getting worse…I’ll be lucky if I can see out of it in a few more days… just lucky that my bedroom does have other windows so that I can still look out to view my extensive Estate and take pot-shots at any pheasant or peasant who may be rambling over my croquet lawn.
What gets me is their ingratitude…for years I’ve let them nest in the old barns and sheds…never as much as taken a shot at the Fuckers even when bored…..and they chose to repay me by using one of my solid-hardwood window-frames as a shithouse. The Sods are worse than the Pikeys…move in and throw up their mud-huts before anyone realises that they are there…and once ensconced a damn sight more legal protection than a 12 year old white girl in a Rotherham taxi.
The trespassing little shits apparently come all the way from Africa and remind me of other illegal immigrants from The Dark Continent…squawking and chirping away,expecting free board and accommodation,breeding at an incredible rate, refusing to contribute as much as a breakfast egg to their unwilling host and leaving shit wherever they go….I expect one’ll be out selling drugs to the sparrows and mugging the blue-tits before impregnating some fat white pigeon and then bolting before much longer.
The Fuckers’ll be in for a shock if they try the same trick next year….I’ll be ready for the bastards……lets see how easy it is to build a mud-hut when you’ve got the jet off an industrial pressure-washer tickling yer feathery little arses.
Nominated by Dick de Ffeffel Foxchaser Fiddler
Good nom Dick,
Funnily enough I was watching swifts in a farmers barn yesterday,
Industrious little things aren’t they?
Saw a hare too.
Housemartins are nice leave them alone you fuckin rotter!
Be that blue haired leftie shitting on your windows and blaming birdlife.
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The crane would be a give away MNC, ain’t no cherry picker lifting her up
4
See that cunt down there mon, im not make us welcome like we waz told he would.
Me goin to take a shit on him.
5
Jackdaws built a nest next to my bedroom window this year, noisy buggers they are. Found one in the wood burner.
Blue Tiits nested in holes in two other windows. Plus I have squirrels leaping in and out of the roof space, bats. umpteen spiders, cluster flies, moths and woodlice.
I can’t wait to leave this Tudor house and move into a brick built one. It’s eco warfare living in the countryside.
5
Seagulls round her, nasty big cunts too
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There’s a seagull’s nest on the chimney, between the pots, on the house opposite ours. Fascinating to see the chicks growing, all three moving about in such a confined space and not falling off, their parents keeping guard nearby.
I once made the mistake of standing outside staring directly up at the chicks. Within a few seconds one of the seagulls swooped down and came straight at me, fucking terrifying it was!
Resourceful creatures, and good responsible parents.
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Herring gulls are psychotic thieving winged bastards, mate of mine was employed by a roofer just to fend the fuckers off with a broom, busy day and not much fun.
5
You should see the Cardiff ones. Greedy fat bastards, body the size of a rugby ball, and beaks that seem to be made of Sheffield steel. About a 5′ wingspan. Bloody vermin.
3
Hur hur you said ‘tits’
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Tudor eh?
Wow Cuntologist, id never want to trade that for a modern build!!
Sounds nice!
👍
3
Latest I’d go is 1920s. I’m a total architectural snob.
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My house is circa 1890, last owner liked it so much he stayed in it 67 years. No bird problem but I suspect the ladies next door might be of the rainbow persuasion.
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What, they look like Bungle?
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One of them could be bungles stunted sister Moggie, they ain’t lipstick lezzers fo sure.
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FEEL the rainbow
TASTE the rainbow!
You know it makes sense.
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She said if I licked it I would taste the rainbow!
Thought she meant skittles not trout!
Sorry.
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I’m right with you there Cunto. I hate the appearance of modern build houses. They look like how I drew a house with crayons as a 5 year old and built a house with Lego as a 10 year old. They all use the same windows that come in three sizes and have no architectural merit, because….They’re not designed by architects with pencil and ruler, but produced by CAD programs. Thoroughly hate the homogenous shit, but unlike older places (pre 1920) that have generally have more detailing and interesting and complex elevations there’s nowhere for birds to sort out a hiding place. Mind you, the cunty modern places will have many more problems in 30 years time than just birds nests if they’re still upright😏
5
Enjoy your vast estate while you can, Sir Fiddler.
Soon, the dark key hordes will be coming to take it away from you, reparations innit, bruv? Being such a champion of dark key rights and so forth though, I reckon you might be OK if you take a knee.
I’m off to black up to protect myself from being sent to the honky concentration camps. Jeans round my knees and learning to talk in Jafaikan. Innit rasclart, bruv etc?
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I just have a mouse problem in my garden.
The rat problem resolved itself with a. 177 through Roland’s face at point blank range a couple of weekends back.
I won’t use poison because of the dogs and I have found that the Weirauch 97 carbine (. 22 crossheads) tends to make the little fuckers relocate their body parts over several neighbouring gardens, when used at such close proximity.
3
A mate of mine had a HW35e years ago, superb bit of kit (if a bit heavy).
That was excellent rodent medicine too. And I suspect somewhat above 12ft/lbs. oh! happy days.
3
You can’t shoot a fucking mouse more chance of shooting a bee. Poisson the fuckers put it into containers and cover them so dogs can’t get near it but the mice can get in.. Cure the problem in one or two nights. Get it done..
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Even at my ripe old age, I can still shoot the cock off a gnat and leave the balls swinging. 😁
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I’ve watched swallows coming in to roost in their 1000s in reed beds in Natal. If you time it right in the evening it’s a wonderful sight. Be wasted on miserable cunts like Fiddler. I am a bird enthusiast. I don’t twitch, except when hanging around at the netball courts, but keep an eye out on my walks and look after the fuckers in my garden.
Fiddler doesn’t deserve housemartins on his property. A plague of incontinent wood pigeons on the cunt.
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At some point in history there must have been an owl who looked down and thought, ‘Fuck me, I like the look of that’, after seeing the first ever barn….
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Can’t agree with this nom – sorry. Love to see the birds in the summer, and and sad when they go. Could you not put your pressure washer to better use hosing down the various left wing cunts such as BLM – especially as Suckdick has flogged the water cannon?
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And by the way, the Housemartins band are real lefty cunts.
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Tell me one that isn’t. The Dixie Chicks are now simply The Chicks. They have, of course, apologised for the years of offence which nobody said a fucking word about.
How long can it be before the feminazis point out that calling themselves “ Chicks “ is pandering to the patriarchy and objectifying wimminz? I don’t think their agent has thought this through.
I wonder if they’re going to give back all the money they made supporting white supremacy? I won’t hold my breath.
4
I think it only right that Little Feat’s 1973 album ‘Dixie Chicken’ should now be withdrawn from sale.
Or rename it ‘Kenfucky Fried Chiggun’ or something.
Also there’s a track on there called ‘Fat Man In The Bathtub’ which is pretty downright offensive.
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I believe Kentucky was named after a certain Ken Tucky, a well known slave trader who operated in that area. Of course, I just made that shit up but spread it about anyway. The millennials will believe anything.
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Somebody was bound to mention those cunts.
I fucking hate Paul Heaton. A pointlessly smug, patronising prick.
He ruined The Beautiful South.
2
Had one nesting in the reveal above the front room window, jeebus the little bugger never stopped, she was in and out from dawn to dusk, must’ve been fucking knackered! Too fast to actually spot what it was so bought one of those mini USB cams to set up and find out but the day it arrived was the day they fledged and fucked off 🙁
Was calling on a mate a few years back (I’ll be there in 10 mins he said), knocked the door, no fucker in, sat down on the doorstep fer a relaxing fag. Bit parky so had me wooly hat on from which I’d removed the pom-pom on the top (don’t wanna look a total cunt) which left a whole about the size of a 10 pee piece.
Fucking blackbird dead centred it from the eave above, these fuckers know what they’re doing and have excellent marksmanship it can’t be denied.
Fiddler – yer sitting on a gold mine there chap – turf out the interlopers, get one of the serfs to scoop the nests up and flog the whole encrusted reeking mess to the local chogey – no need to wash the shit off ’cause they won’t, s’all edible to the chineez palate. A gold mine I tells ya!
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I haven’t had much experience with house martins but I dunno how you can hate these birds so much their chirping giving you a headache over a heavy night of drinking perhaps? I actually miss living in the country because it was constant birdsong 24/7. It was soothing to me wether drunk high or sober now that I live in the city I rarely get to hear them
If you know where there nest is Dick you can cover it up with chicken wire or a piece of wood in the hopes they become less of a nuisance to you. If you got a water fountain or bird bath near by I’d drain it that will encourage more of them. And I Don’t think their eggs would taste that good
2
I had a terrible time with them some years ago. As you say the amount of shit they deposit is startling. After my lot fucked off in August I brought the nest down but left some slight traces of it to remind future asylum seekers not to bother or else. I’ve had no problem since.
2
I used to live in the back of beyond – squirrels, woodpeckers and owls in the tree at the front, swallows, swifts and housemartins under the eaves, bats in the loft and pigeons and pheasants treating the place like their own at the back – and not a penny in rent from any of them – it’s a fucking disgrace!
Luckily the dog didn’t mind birds etc and would lumber by them a couple of feet away as they completely ignored him and carried on sunbathing – and no trouble with pesky cats attacking the wildlife!
I wish I still lived in the middle of nowhere – I am becoming less and less keen on the company of people.
2
Our cat just sits there and watches the birds going about their business.
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Great little essay there dick. Managed to cover off most points apart from the Glasgow stabbings.
Poke down their nest with a stick, they will have to rebuild elsewhere.
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I have no idea what birds are nesting in my roof space but they can fuck off. Twice a year these two fucking birds come back to the same hole and produce I’m guessing by the racket 500 kids each time. Flapping their wings at the crack of dawn and chirping with mini loudhailers strapped to their yellow cunting beaks.
Can’t see where they get in so can’t block the hole up.
Good job I wake up at roughly that god foresaken time for a piss every morning.
3
We’ve had a resurgence of thrushes around our area since last year, very beautiful chitchat between them in the evenings. Much more pleasant than the usual thousand strong hoarde of ring neck parakeets squawking, or the monotone chain smoking obese cunts of the bird world known as wood pigeons.
Unfortunately inside the m25 it’s not rural enough for my favourite sounding bird, the skylark. That birdsong instantly takes me to a summers day in a quiet field in the countryside.
2
I always liked the Housemartins. London 0 Hull 4 was a fine album. And The Light Is Always Green is a top track.
They’ve not done too great since they split up though. Fatcunt Slim and his thieved – sorry – ‘sampled’ quintessential 90s bollocks and the Beautiful South with their twee crappy 70s comedy TV themes sounding shite. Paul Heaton and Jacqui Abbott are pretentious smug cunts and all But the Housemartins were alright.
2
Fuck all wrong with the Beautiful South. Inspired writing and shit hot tunes combined with great voices.
Heaton was a lefty during the miner’s strike. In fact he still supports a Doncaster (ex) miners club. Nothing wrong or trendy about that.
Old red eyes
Lye’s bar
Rotterdam
36D
Perfect 10
Let love speak
And dozens more. Clever, thoughtful and streets away from what we get now.
7
Indeed.
PS: The anorexic chicks, the model 6
They don’t hold no weight with me
Well 8 or 9, well that’s just fine
But I like to hold something I can see
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My appreciation of The Beautiful South is coloured by a woman I got to know around the 1999-2001 era.
Paul Heaton is still a cunt though.
2
Living next to a busy railway station that’s surrounded by stretches verdant fields and dense woodland, I see all manner of wildlife — from deer, foxes, squirrels. owls, rats, mice and a plethora of different birds. I too have experienced the ornithological chaps and chappeses taking up residence at my abode. For the past few years some Starlings have been nesting under the overhang of my roof and the exterior walls, and this year’s no different. I don’t mind them, except when the wake me up early in the morning with their chirping and scratching. Besides, it’s fascinating to watch them go about their business. I’ll be honest, I’ve had a lot worse company than these winged creatures.
1
Can’t have anything to do with harming our feathered friends, I love them all from the scraggiest pigeon to the most beautiful parrots.
I hate people. People destroy, lie, cheat, commit crime, rob the elderly, murder the innocent etc so I will keep my powder dry for them cunts.
6
An excellent cunting DFF, but like the spoons and chimps their chics are cute, and think of all the diseases they carry over from down town Lagos, Mogadishu, Timbuktu as well as other iddilic spots where hygiene is a priority, so don’t go eating from your window fill, and for fuck sake don’t make a formal complaint of those tickets will be in your house and you won’t once the Green peace cunts hear about it…afternoon all…
3
Take a garden cane to the fucker-cheap-er (groan!) than repainting / varnishing the window.
Noisy little cunts.
1
As always, wonderfully articulated cunting Dick. Sadly a tad lightweight, if I’m honest, as just last night a fucking huge peacock settled on next door’s roof – right outside me window. Housemartins are annually abundant but it’s 25 years since we’ve had to suffer a bastard peacock – constant screeching overnight and turds the size of which you’d have to sling over your shoulder to carry.
2
My garden backs onto the railway embankment. An abundance of birds and wildlife. Thrushes singing and bathing in the pond. Spotted a Kestrel as well. Foxes occasionally and a Badger early every evening.
Prefer the animals and birds to humans most of the time.
1
I trust His Dickness has his tongue firmly in cheek with this nom and will not evict those marvellous little house martins next year. He is a true countryman with a heart of gold who loves them and they love him. Martins, swallows, swifts and all birds, migrants or not, work their little tails off to raise two or three broods every year and never get a word of thanks from their ungrateful fledgelings. I know how they feel and, like Daniel Ratcliffe with the trannies and Bill “I did not have sex with that woman although I splattered my seed over her frock” Clinton with anyone, feel their pain.
3
Hang bit of rope or anything on the eve where you do not want them to nest. They like a straight run in to the nest because the touch down is tricky. The rope denies them the straight approach.
The young ones point their little arses out the nest and shoot. That is where the shit comes from, not the adults.
But they are useful. All they eat are flying bugs and they eat millions.
3
I love wildlife. I always say hello to the magpies and tip my invisible hat to them.
Crows, to me, when they crow always sound like they’ve done their back. “Arggh (me back!)”
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