Fake friends

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Ok, I’m steering away from politicians, celebrities and other left wing filth for a change. Today, I’m nominating my mother’s ex-friend, who I shall refer to as ‘shitbag’. This may get a little long, so apologies mods. Shitbag is a hypocrite, petty, a know it all, controlling and, worst of all, the nosiest cunt in the history of curtain twitchers. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, escapes the gaze of this prod nose. Her house backs on to the street my mother lives on and every time a car or van she didn’t recognise drove on to it, my mother would get a text, “who’s that? Where are they going? What are they doing”? Honestly, that’s word for word.

Anyway, I’m nominating shitbag over the manner of their falling out, and the way shitbag has falsely tried to frame it as my mother’s fault. Shitbag has underlying health conditions, not least of which is COPD (which she seems to think is best treated with endless cigarettes). At the start of the shutdown, she received a letter from the government telling her to stay indoors. Being a control freak, in her mind this meant that EVERYONE over 70 with medical conditions i.e. my mother who has arthritis and other joint problems. And she became upset when my mother said, “forget that”, my medical conditions are mechanical. So she’s been going out three times a week. This prompted shitbag, to compose a text to her sister (shitbag’s sister) slagging off my mother, and me (more on that shortly). Unfortunately for shitbag, she’s not very bright, so she sent the text to my mother instead of her sister. My mother responded with a simple “Got the text you meant to send to your sister, I think it’s best if we don’t speak again. Ever”. Rather restrained I think.

I’m also in the firing line because for one thing, I’ve been going to my mother’s on a daily basis. So I’ve been getting slagged. What shitbag doesn’t know, is that I’m officially my mother’s carer, so I have a legitimate reason for going. My greatest offence though, is one that I’m not even guilty of. A few months back while my mother was out shopping one early Saturday, she called me and asked me to pick up something from her house that she’d forgotten. I duly obliged and as I was leaving the street, I saw shitbag stood at the bus stop and I waved. She waved back. A couple of hours later, mother got a phone call from shitbag demanding an apology from me for the unforgivable sin of not giving her a lift in return for a lift to hospital she gave me that was not asked for. There’s just one problem with that which she has either forgotten or is ignoring. Early last year, I took her up to Go Outdoors in Ancoats, Manchester because she wanted to buy a coat (we eventually left empty handed because she didn’t like any of the many women’s coats on sale). Now call me silly, but I’d say, that that outing, which was much further than the lift she gave me, more than returns the favour. But not in shitbag’s mind apparently. And she has been sulking over my not giving her a lift from that bust stop since fucking January.

Most people think shitbag has been studiously observing her government ordered isolation, but she hasn’t. I know, because I, my mother and others have seen her slinking out of her house early in the morning to go shopping, which makes her a fucking hypocrite. This hasn’t stopped her from slagging us off to mutual friends though, and trying to say that my mother misunderstood the text and threw a hissy fit. Unfortunately for shitbag, they already know the truth and have seen the text, so they know that it cannot possibly be misunderstood. But that’s how shit bag rolls, it’s always someone else’s fault. This woman is 74 years old, but acts like a five year old girl. With ADHD. And OCD. She is, to put it mildly, a cunt.

Nominated by Quick Draw McGraw

53 thoughts on “Fake friends”

  1. I used to know a chap who would disappear for months when he had a girlfriend and then want to go on the piss every night when they split up.

    Now I seem to spend all my time in the union bar at Fiddler University with the Chancellor who bellows foul-mouthed insults at the LGBT+ Society. My Ph.D thesis consists of random illiterate notes on the back of cigarette packets.

    Here’s some more thoughts on the lockdown shite…
    https://mikesplace2017.wordpress.com/2020/06/04/thoughts-from-the-lockdown-update-2/

    • The stats are always taken selectively, the focus on BAME is the most hyped, actually nothing to see here, rubbish of the whole ‘crisis’
      If you are a young (under 40) healthy individual you are extremely unlucky to die from chinky flu regardless of colour or race.
      Old and sick, you are fucked regardless of colour or race.

  2. Sounds like a twat.
    Life is just so much easier without “friends”. I have worked my fingers to the bone whittling them down to a satisfying zero.

  3. Ah, a sociopath. Every bit as bad as a psychopath, and just as deserving of a little sit-down in ol’ sparky.

  4. Shitbag needs to die. She is the epitome of a sheeple that is deleterious to the voting pool. When she does go, take a piss and a dump on her grave from me.

  5. I don’t have any friends (only had 2 proper friends in my entire life and they’re both dead). That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t pretend to be someone’s friend if I wanted something off them..I can,if necessary,actually be quite pleasant. Most people are like me and “Shitbag” when it comes down to it.

    • You lie, Dick. Again. You are always friendly – Joe Biden style – to the more nubile of freshers during the first week of the university year.

      • Don’t taint Dick with comparison to that Demon-Rat sleazebag. Biden’s preferences are set considerably lower than at university level.

      • Although Bideen’s targets and most university students are at the same cognitive level.

    • Good morning Sir Fiddler, if I may ask, how do you feign interest once you have what you want? I honestly stop even hearing their voices at that point making my attempt at pretense laughable.

      • CF, you have to assume that knowledge gleaned from their tedious witterings will be useful to you at some future point.
        Many’s the time I listened to some prick pouring their heart out to me and filing away any pertinent information for future mischief.
        If you make a point of saying to people that you don’t give a tuppeny fuck for their pathetic problems, they seem to want to open up to you even more.
        Your dismissive attitude is presumed to make you more trustworthy for some reason.

      • The Royal College of Psychiatry should use that in their literature.
        ‘Oh, Dr Ive tried everything. I cant sleep, I feel anxious, i cant see that there’ s any point in carrying on. Help me!’
        ‘You… are a soft prick!’

  6. Good Morning,

    These sort of people are a fucking nuisance. They are always causing or bringing problems to you and forever on the ‘phone. Never any solutions for either your or their problems. Mrs. Wanksock is a much kinder soul than me and throughout our time together has acquired a few of them, Mrs Wanksock’s deadbeats I call them.

  7. Sad, bitter & twisted indivduals with nothing better to do than shit on others in order to offer any fleeting glimmer of interest in their pathetic lives.

    A cry for help: attention seeking at its ugliest. They’re the worst kind of Victor Meldrews – sociopaths with a grudge against the world.

    The only good thing is “Shitbag” is not too far from clocking off for good. But even when does become toast she’ll moan about the pall bearers not carrying her with sufficient grace & respect.

  8. Buy a van or a MIG welder and suddenly every scrounging cunt in your street will become your best mate….😆

    • I have 3 friends.
      Loads of acquaintances, but 3 proper mates, 1 since early 90s the others since I was 4yr old.
      Lucky!
      Im a right argumentative twat!😁

      • About the same as myself. Years of self employment have made me somewhat cynical regarding the “yer me best mate” brigade.
        The usual greeting of “can you just…?” or “I need a favour” while waving at a hole in their crappy car with MOT testers yellow chalk around it, or a mound of crap that needs shifting.
        Bastards…

  9. The peak for me having mates was when I came into 40 odd grand a few years back (the sort of money Sir Fiddler finds down the back of his chaise lounge and blows his nose on). They were all coming out of the fucking woodwork when they got wind. Only person I helped out was an old mate who split his last tenner with me once upon a time so I could enter a snooker competition when I was brassick (I won about 80 quid).

    Every one else was told to get tee fook while I ordered another bottle of Bollinger from the bar. For myself. Fuck off.

  10. I have deleted a few people from my phone because of the Virus thingy.
    Not one txt or call from any of them and it always seems to be me that calls them first……..No more, i had enough………DELETE.

    • Funny you said that, I did the same recently for the same reasons. I always got in touch first and some proper mates do stay in touch. Those that couldn’t even be arse to ask if I’m OK no longer exist as far as I’m concerned.

    • A cull of dead weight, deadbeats, freeloaders and fairweathers is good for the soul.

      I dont have a soul but I am an arsehole.

  11. Unfortunately the planet is stuffed to the gills with people like that. I have met too many, and I think most of the cunters will have as well. Some people are just shit. Once bitten.

  12. Modern life just breeds fake people. Even in primary school half your class won’t even live within a mile or two, and it gets worse as you get older. Now half probably won’t even speak your language, there’s 56 shades of pronoun, a bazillion music and cultural tastes everyone has. If it weren’t for alcohol or drugs as a bond I think this website would have close to 70 million cunters.

    I envy my grandma who grew up, lived, worked, and died in her hometown, along with a good portion of her childhood friends. All they had was each other, the sea, and radio.

  13. Shame you can’t name and shame Shitbag on these hallowed pages – I’m sure it would give your mum a good laugh, QD.

    I had one good mate who I knew since schooldays in 1983. Unfortunately around 7 years later he decided to marry a Karen (first girlfriend, cherry-robber, etc.) and she was the most snobby, “I earn considerably more than yow”, pain in the arsehole. She curtailed all his avenues of pleasure – these being very few and very innocuous in any case.

    Anyway, me and the Mrs bought Maskinback Towers around 7 years ago. Trouble is my mate’s wife didn’t like the fact that I had moved from a small 2 bed bungalow to a very large place with a lot of land. The green eyed monster reared its Karen-like head. She became sulky and they stopped contact, despite me driving to their house, 20 miles away to see them.

    I have not seen him in over 6 years. A real shame for us both.

    • Classic manipulating wife. Sad. Every man should have a side piece to remind him his wifes snatch isn’t the holy grail, keep things in perspective.

      I’d keep reaching out to him before she nags and natters him until he snaps.

      • Bit tricky now Big Chunky. It has been over 6 years since any contact and we have brought two children into the world since then – they don’t even know about them!

  14. This woman fits the description of ‘cunt’ as defined in the Oxford English Dictionary.
    Fake friends? What other sort is there? I’ve never known one who stood the test of time. One of my favourite quotations is “The more people I meet, the more I like my dog”.

  16. ‘Shitbag’ it would seem to me is a victim narcissist Quick Draw. There are basically two types of narcissist..1) The egocentric vain go-getter that walks over everyone that they’re able to in order to ruthlessly pursue their goals. You find these ‘love the self’ types in companies clawing their way to the top. Then you have..2) The insecure, jealous control freak with low self esteem that seeks to bring everyone around them down so they can feel elevated in some way. These cunts can ruin family life and relationships if left untamed. A victim narcissist, like the cynical egomaniac is no ones friend but their own and will only have tears for themselves. Fuck ’em.

    If this sad old cow is out of your mum’s life Quick Draw, then it’s something to celebrate with a bottle of wine and a box of Fererro Roche. Perhaps her old mate can go and find some suitable ‘friends’ on Cuntbook. There’s hundreds to be had there and as about as genuine as a hundred quid note. Worthless, leeching, misery seed spreading cunts

  18. I have around 20 people I regard as good friends – went to primary/secondary school with them, mates from jobs I have had, see them every now and then, all good – when shit goes down they are there, and vice versa.
    I am ruthless when needed, and have chopped out losers, users, boozers, scroungers and whiners who will do nothing for themselves but I very much enjoy being self employed – I do everything for myself and am good at fixing things, and used to get a trail of idle mean losers to my door – “can you just”.., but not now, because I come back with “certainly I can do that for you – my charging rate is £15 an hour plus expenses and travelling costs”.
    “But, but – I thought we were mates”.
    “Well if you were a real mate you wouldn’t be taking the piss would you”?.
    I have also removed some “family” members from my life – the “Brother” who did not invite me to his Daughters wedding, the “Sister” who borrowed my tools and then stole them claiming my late Mother had given them to her, the Nephew who owes me money but prefers to spend his money on ale and drugs and thousand Pound Iphones instead of paying me back – I used to be soft and put up with this to keep the peace, no more.
    Real friends I would go to the wall to help, the rest can go fuck themselves.
    I am always there for those who have need, but no longer there for those who are needy.
    On other news – summers over in Yorkshire – back t’ caves! 😄

    • Foxy, lesson ive learnt as a self employed bloke.
      Soon as they start on the path to asking for something just say

      “How you paying? Im cash upfront.”

      Stops them dead in their tracks.
      Neighbours tried it with me, need a shed/ sofa/ wardrobe picked up,
      £50phr luv, dont do favours, theyll never ask again!☺
      Set out your rules so they know to get fucked.👍

  19. I was a shameless example of a fair weather friend to someone who was very kind to me when my life took a wrong turn about 20 years ago. She constantly invited me to dinner at her place, set up blind dates with some of her friends, many of whom were gorgeous, although nothing came of them. The problem was that it was her I fancied and could not stand her pain-in-the-arse, know-all husband. I eventually stopped keeping in touch and have never heard from her again and I don´t blame her. I still feel guilty about my ungrateful behaviour but I guess it´s too late to make amends. Right cunters?

    • Never look back-there was a reason you lost touch. No need to reproach yourself.

      In general, a friend in need is a pain in the arse. Cunts!

    • Wouldn’t be any point getting back in touch 20 years later….she’ll be old and wrinkly by now.
      Best let sleeping dogs lie.

      Afternoon,Mr.P. and glad to help.

      • Dear Monarch of the realm of Northumbria,
        Indebted to you and your kind words. I often wonder what kind of aristocrat you are. Are you a Lord Emsworth type – Clarence Threepweed to give him his baptized name – strutting around the moors in plus fours, tippling sherry, dreaming of the next Northumberland Agricultural Show when your favorite sow, the Empress of Blandings, will no doubt win a rosette? Do you have to endure the sufferings Lord Emsworth was subject to from his insubordinate Scottish gardener MacAllister?

        Or are you a more louche Brideshead type, languishing with boredom in a vast picture gallery filled with portraits of your ancestors (including the admiral in the landlocked Rhodesian navy you once told us about)? The rhododendrons are in bloom outside, the croquet lawn awaits you following afternoon tea with young Sebastian Flyte. Meanwhile, your genteman´s gentleman is laying out your nighttime attire of creased, striped pyjamas, freshly laundered, fluffy dressing gown, cravat and jumbo-sized tube of Vaseline for when the ladies leave the room and you and Sebastian are left alone to pass the port? Do tell old chap.

      • I am as no aristocrat that you can imagine even in your wildest dreams, Mr.P….

      • Hes the type who eats fray Bentos pies sat on the khazi.
        Evening all☺

    • I was going to say the dilemma is lost on a borderline sociopath like me, but the good squire got in there first.

    • Give her a call. If you’re thinking of her, chances are at leadt even she’s thought of you too. Don’t be a cunt. Cheers!

  20. Some old folk are cunts.
    An old dear I uswd to care for and support, asked me to drive her to hospital for an out patients visit.
    It’s a part of my job, so I do it.

    Her appointment was 4.30 on Friday afternoon, I asked her to be ready at half 3 as we have a 40 min drive whilst battling rush hour traffic, need to park, get her out of car into wheelchair and get to the right place in a big hospital.

    I turn up at half 3…..

    “What you doing here?”
    “Taking you to hospital as arranged,”
    “Bit early aren’t you really?”
    “Not if you want to be late…..”

    She fucks about, we leave at 4, get half way there….
    “I forgot my travel sickness pills,” battling friday afternoon rush hour traffic and all the other bollocks I get her in at quarter to 5.
    I’m having looks of hatred from the nurses as I wheel her in and make the usual apologies as rush hour traffic was bad. I then wait outside.
    After her appointment, she is wheeled out by a nurse whom I can only describe as angry, rude and aggressive. She tore into me for the old lady being late and that my driving was dangerous and I should be more organised.
    On the way home I asked the old lady why the nurse had said those things….

    This was her honest reply….
    “I blamed you for making me late and ill, as if I told the truth that I forgot he appointment and pills, they’ll put me in a nursing home.”

    I got a complaint from the hospital which was overturned and the old lady was placed on a 2 carer team as she made allegations.

    Hope this helps….

    • The ungrateful sag-titted lying old hag-bag!
      On a more positive note, she’s probably dead now.
      Cunt.

  21. Allow an old cunt to mark your card QD. I have no friends so exist in a state of bliss and that is the solution to all the shitbaggery in the world.

    • While I think aboit it, had an elderly relative who always shit her pants if she did not get her own way. Nothing quite like the aroma orf geriatric cack to win every argument. You should try it QD.

  22. Never did like Friends.
    Am proud to admit that I’ve never watched a single episode of the shit.
    Fuck off !

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