Mental birds
I think it’s time I tried to take my mind off the bat flu for five minutes by reminiscing about mental birds I’ve hung out of in the past.
I don’t know about you, but I seem to attract lunatics? I have learned my lesson though and have a normal lady now (married the fucker), but fuck me I’ve had some mentals.
For example, it started when I was about 11. I was kicking a ball around outside and this lad came out and asked if he could play. Said he was called Mike (or something) and was new to the area. So, we end up having a kick about. We get on well and start hanging around together. Next, another mate says, ‘That’s not a boy. It’s a girl. My mum is friends with her mum. Her name’s Claire.’ I confront him/her and she confesses. Next, I’m getting love letters through the door with threats of suicide if I don’t go out with her. Right carry on it caused. She’d post drawings through the door of her stabbing herself with ‘This is why we must be married’. Fucked me right up lol.
This was at age 11 ffs. But it gets worse.
At 17, I pop my cherry with a proper fit bird at college. We get serious. Then she confesses that she has a kink. She liked to be peed on. I laugh and think she’s taking the piss (pun intended). Well, it got to the stage where I would sit down to piss, because she’d follow me into the bog for me to piss on her. I had to pretend I was having a shit. Thank god she wasn’t a poop muncher, is all I can say.
Then there was the one who came at me with knives when she was on the blob. There was the one that thought I was having an affair every 5 minutes (I wasn’t) and would check my phone, internet use and call my mum asking her if she knew I was having affairs.
There was another one that slapped me across my face for speaking to a girl who said hello to me in a shopping centre, because she had been in my class at secondary school.
The good news is that I’ve picked up the vibes of ‘Harridan’s Disease’ nowadays and I’m married to a relaxed and non possessive lady. Pain in the arse sometimes (drama queen), but I’ve done alright there.
One wonders if other ISAC members have their own stories in a similar vein too? One can only wonder how the likes of tongue to arse injectors and those who live in towers have dealt with their own nutters?
Nominated by Cuntybollocks
My ex wife is mental, and a fucking bastard too.
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Anyone have Dave Greenfield of the Stranglers in the Dead Pool ?
I’m shocked. Went to school with him.
Died of Pneumonia, ere sorry Covid 19.
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‘kin ‘ell, Fenton. I would have staked money on Jet Black cashing his chips in first. In fact he is a regular nomination of mine in the Dead Pool.
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This is really pissing me off now. First Tim Brooke-Taylor, now Dave Greenfield. Two guys whose work I enjoyed immensely.
At least I got to see The Stranglers when Hugh was at the helm back in 1984 on the Aural Sculpture tour.
SOMETHING BETTER CHANGE!
Gutted.
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Most of my friends have been out witb mental birds. Some were strong and told them to fuck off. Some were male feminists and decided it was their fault their girlfriend was a possessive violent nutcase.
One of my friends dated a girl i knew wasnt right. 3 weeks later he had to get rid of her. because she found him ‘too intelligent’.and made her feel inadequate.
She shacked up with one of his mates. A bit later they were at a party, the mate was chatting with a girl he knows, the girlfriend took a knife from the kitchen and went for him.
When i was told about this i smiled to myself and said ‘really’.
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I went out with a mental bird for about 20 months. The slightest uttered transgression would set her off into One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest territory.
Her whole life was a tangled mass of tortured contradictions. However, she was an animal in bed. Held her mouth wide open for the money shot and would relentlessly tongue my ringpiece – her idea. She loved nothing more than setting up several strategically placed mirrors in the bedroom so she could watch the old Maskinback salami work it’s way in and out of her very wet hole from a number of different viewpoints.
Mad as a fucking chimpanzee on amphetamines.
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I haven’t been much into dating. There have been a few past relationships and one night stands but nothing long term.
I remember mother telling me that not everyone settles down and I shouldn’t worry.
Father said a similar thing. Not to worry about it and keep myself occupied with friends and hobbies etc.
Being in a relationship is not the be all end all.
It might be nice though.
What you fine fellows of this here ISAC website think?
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I think you might be gay!
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Get on that Tinder machine and go shopping.
You might get a bargain.I would.
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Great cunting Cuntybollocks,
I am sure I have been with some nutters but because they realise how lucky they are to be getting the good stuff, they keep their mental side hidden so as to not scare me off.
I soon get bored of banging the same bit of pussy after a while anyways.
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I find 2 glasses of white wine generally turns most birds into fucking lunatics the cunts.
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Bacardi and coke and Pinot Grigio.
Slag fuel.
They’re the ones who start groping your thighs, arse and crotch after knowing you for couple of hours, and who used to drink Hooch, Smirnoff Ice and WKD in their teens.
They usually have a kid/s they didnt tell you about in the pub/bar.
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Cuntybollocks, reading your nom nearly had me pissing myself (no pun intended) 🙂
You should right a book of your experiences – comedy bestseller !
Been out with a few nutters in my time, and quite a few ‘users’.
Eventually happily settled, but all that’s a long distant memory after a became a widower. My drama days are behind me in that regard.
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My Father used to say – If it floats, flies or fucks, never buy it, rent it.
True words it seems.
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Cuntybollocks, you could have saved a lot of typing by just rounding it up to birds. Emily Spankthirst has a fuck-ton of today’s societal ills to thank for.
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I’m pretty lucky with Mrs Norman. Down to earth, hates all that Me Too/Time’s Up bollocks. She is absolutely right when she says it’s self serving and that that Hollyweird celebrislags who shout the loudest have the most to hide. My old lady also loves a good laugh and she knows more dirty joke than I do. That’s not to say we don’t have our ding dongs, but it’s never over anything daft or trivial. And I know from bitter experience that some women will argue or kick off about absolutely anything. Mrs N also doesn’t hate football. She isn’t crazy about it like me, but she will watch it and show an interest. She is also a prog authority. There’s nothing o nCrimson, Yes, ELP, Genesis, Floyd and Jethro Tull she doesn’t know or own. Also loves her rock too (Free, Purple, Cream, Zeppelin etc).
The Mrs is also over the 40 mark, but still very attractive and tidy.. And blokes still clock her in the supermarket. Yeah, I’m a lucky lad. Oh, and she hates chick flicks and all. She prefers Steve McQueen films.
And I also agree with the great Sir Laurence Fox. Any woman under 35 these days is fucking bonkers.
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Fuck me Norman..thats my ideal wife. My wife finds my prog Yes King Crimson et al tastes weird. Dont even start me on her about Beefheart/Zappa . Swap you wives dear boy? I’ll throw in my old Flying V, which is of more value to me.
She is mental these days,so would keep you entertained. Honest.
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But Crimson and Zappa !!! Geniuses or genii both class acts. Zappa and Fripp mental guitarists and moody fuckers to boot.
I’m sure Fripp gets on here sometimes
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Pretty sure grumpy ol man Wakeman is a regular here too Toxic.
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He’s great to listen to
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Reckon there’s a best seller in this one mate!
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Mrs Bamboo is from Surrey very laid back & volatile one little bit a pleasure to be with 👍
On the other hand I’ve had birds that are complete nutters one that springs to mind burnt all my cloths and possessions when I was away on deployment with the Army over some slight indiscretion She later tried to stab me when she flipped over nothing 👎 Women like that are not worth the time or the effort believe me I’ve tried my advice is kick them into touch before they do you a permanent injury 👍
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