Diarrhoea

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Diarrhoea.
It’s not bad having an attack of it when at home.

But I was out walking. It taking me longer than usual to walk home because one of my legs is broken and has a plastic boot on it. I wrote a nomination about being run over.
I can’t run. I’m limping home with pain in my leg whilst my tummy feels as though tied in knots and making gurgling sounds.
It’s taking me forever to get home. The thought of just relaxing and letting it go in my pants enters my mind.
Then I realise I’m wearing white pants with little holes in. The kind that keep me warm in winter and cool in summer. It would be like sieving chocolate milkshake.
As I get closer to home my tummy grumbles and gurgles. I’m trying not to relax my arse but a little fart escapes then several one after the other. Oh god.
As I climb the curbs of pavements my muscles squeeze. More farts.
I finally see home.
I get my key out ready. Once inside I drop my shopping, pull off my coat, making my way to the toilet, undoing the belt of my jeans. Come on come on! I tell myself. Then undoing the buttons, I pull my jeans and pants down, go to sit on the loo. I can’t sit properly because the big boot. I’m tearing at the thick velcro. Please! Please!
I finally get the boot off, wiggle down my jeans and skidded pants and then finally release. Ahh! Such relief.
I go to wipe myself.
Where’s the loo roll? For fork sake!

Nominated by Spoonington

88 thoughts on “Diarrhoea”

  3. My sympathies,Spoonington.

    I remember the morning after a night on the slightly too high pheasant washed down by Guinness/Frosty Jack Black Velvet. I awoke to the dreaded grumbling and gurgling but clenched my cheeks as I wondered just how to even get out of bed without the dam bursting….I was past the point of worrying about a slight seepage,it was a full Dambusters moment that concerned me. As I felt a spasm pass, I thought that I’d make a bolt for it and,trying to keep my legs locked, swung out of bed and set off at a determined waddle across the bedroom….that was when disaster struck and my determined rear-guard action failed…I could feel my belly muscles start to spasm and the seal on the bomb-bay giving. I grabbed the only receptacle that I could reach….my half-pint glass of water on the side-table. I quickly downed the water and shoved the glass up against my arse just as the wave hit me(and the carpet)…had no option,, just had to let it all go. One thing that I did learn at that moment was that you truly can’t fit a Quart into a (half) pint pot.

    My hand-woven Indian carpet still bears the scars (and faint smell).

    • I sometimes think how much better the Wireless 4 programme Just A Minute would be if they adopted some of our topics. Just imagine Nicholas Parsons introducing this round……

      ” welcome – not only to our listeners in this country but all OVER the WORLD. Dick de Pfeffel gets to start us off this week, Dick, will you try to speak for just sixty seconds please on this subject Ian Messiter has thought up for you – more mess-iter than usual “Having the shits” starting…now…..

      buzz

      “You challenged, Keir Starmer, we give the subject to you – you have fifty one seconds for Having The Shits starting now….”

    • Guinness? Merciless! It liquefies everything in the digestive tract so it’s like having a gallon of diseased water slopping about and apparently determined to immediately escape through the smallest possible orifice with tsunami type vigour – I will have to stop drinking it, actually, no, fuck it. (and Guinness farts are dangerous).

      Lady Keir just finished his assfest, sorry, hard hitting interview on AL-Beeb – “And what were your children watching at Christmas Sir Keir”?, simper, pout, coquettish flick of the hair (and then the interviewer started doing it as well!)

      Is this the best that Labour can vomit up? Give me fucking strength.

      Great news though, I have a superb chat up line guaranteed to get results – “Tell me my dear, does this handkerchief smell of chloroform to you”?

      • It’s a pity you don’t see the consequences of drinking Guinness in those TV ads showing happy-clappy Millennials and Hipsters laughing their tits off in some Irish boozer while holding their pints aloft!

        Imagine if the advert continued showing said cunts all sitting on the bogs shitting it all out again!

        Not so smug now, cunts!

      • You only drink Guinness Dick? You try any other stouts or is that your favourite?

        The Russian imperial stouts are really nice, mind you its pricey posh stout like the champagne of the stouts

      • I enjoy the odd Mackeson, T.S.,but it’s just a bit too treacly to drink many…nice enough if you thin it down with cider or bitter though.

      • I never tried mackeson stout Dick, my local liquormart doesn’t carry that one but it has some good reviews on beeradvocate.com, i’ll have to try it sometime in the near future

        I had a oatmeal stout a few months back it was pretty good

  4. I recall a former girlfriend suffering a most indignant episode of “spontaneous & uncontrollable shitting!” while waiting on a train platform at Snow Hill station in Birmingham roughly 30 years ago.

    Back then the station was going through some redevelopment, but unbeknown to her the toilets were closed for “elf & safety” reasons. Anyway, she went into panic mode, not sure of where to go, until ….. oops…. and out it came all the way down her bare legs!

    I will draw a line there given that some cunts here might be tucking into their breakfast right about now! (Just don’t think about mushy peas though!)

  5. Spicy food does for me. I remember a good evening out in Lossiemouth when I was staying in the RAF mess there. I knew when I returned pass the guard room that I would have to walk carefully, only stopping to allow spasms to pass. Finally, I reached the entrance to the mess and headed for a disabled loo in the foyer. I got my keks down alright but released before my cheeks had made proper contact thereby pebble-dashing the cistern and the back wall.

    Thankfully, being a Friday night, the mess was empty. More importantly, the cleaner’s cupboard was open so I could spend the next hour removing the evidence.

    • Good Nomination Spoons!👍
      Been a few times, ive had to curl one out in woods, or if a upset tummy,
      Pebbledash the ground, and hope ive makeshift bogroll.
      Spicy stuff does this to me so I dont eat it.
      But the feeling of relief when you let it go is gteat!
      If you ever do shit your pants Spoons, dont be ashamed it can happen to anyone, just brazen it out, stare people in the eye have a big smile pn your face like your glac youve shit yourself.
      Mixed messages will confuse them.

      • MNC,
        I was doing a traffic stop after the first Hurricane, I was caught short and snuck off the road to shit under the root ball of an fallen tree.
        When I got back on the road I could feel an “extra” in my combats, it was cold it was wet and about the right size.
        Made an excuse and disappeared into the scrub and found the biggest fucking slug I have ever seen in my trouser leg (Big brown fucker size of a turd).
        I know it’s a shit story

      • Morning Lord B,
        Hehee better a slug than a leech eh?
        Dunno what it is about leeches but truly repulsive fuckers arent they?
        Like Dracula without the evening wear.
        Bet youve had to deal with them a fair bit, in the tropics, jungle etc?
        Can you catch anything off leeches?
        Know you can get lymes disease off ticks.

      • Morning mate, god yeah!
        Stuff of nightmares that dunno why fish find mens bellends so attractive?
        Disco music hot pants leather caps with moustaches, fish love owt like that.

      • Fuckin ell! Hehee wtf is that?
        I pulled that out of the lake id. Spew like id drank indian brandy!
        Bet you could sell them!
        Big tank all lite up in living room with large cocks swimming round!
        Conversation starter.

      • I like the way he’s even gone to the trouble of a big fat nutsack and a halfway rolled-down foreskin!! 😀

      • Yeah hes certainly put the work in getting the realism!
        Wonder if theres a fanny fish?

      • Fuck me.
        Theyre disgusting little perverts below water arent they?
        Bet single blokes like catching them!
        Careful though catch crabs!

      • That spongebob squarepants, right dirty little bastard. Takes it in every hole I heard – likes a pineapple up his ring as well

      • Got leeches in the UK of all places as a kid, rest of the time it was ticks, fucking hate ticks and a fag end on there arse burns you too, so don,t believe the films, Tumboo fly is a cunt, look it up you will never put wet clothes on again.
        Leeches are tame in comparison

      • Its true Spoons.
        Never show self doubt or embarrassment to others, big cheesy smile always!😀

      • If your tummys a bit off Spoons, cut 2 leg holes in a bag for life an wear them as underpants!
        Much better than them peekaboo white ones.

  6. Have been having problems controlling my diabetes recently and getting my blood sugar levels down. I tell anyone that giving up sugar is a fuck load harder than giving up booze, which I have also done. Anyway, to keep me on the straight and narrow I’ve found some truly delicious sugar free butterscotch sweets in Lidl that taste just like Werthers which I love. Downside is, they contain the sweetener malitol and isomalt which act as a laxative if consumed excessively. Well, on Wednesday evening I had about seven or eight of them and went to bed. By around 3am I had farted in my sleep and shit the bed leaking twice. To say Mrs WCC was not impressed is an understatement…… fucking everywhere it was! Good girl that she is she changed the sheets and washed my side of the bed whilst I showered and considered my rectal state for the rest of the night and how to proceed. Stayed awake for the rest of it and went to work the next day fucking shattered. Never-a-fucking-gain!

  7. Only when your buttocks have successfully planted on the toilet seat, the type of diarrhoea that sounds like a running tap is a curiously satisfying release.

    The detonative type of shit that manages to escape via the gap between the toilet seat and rim, covering anything within a three feet radius, is not quite so pleasant.

  8. While camping in the south Of France and friend of mine shat himself while wearing a white suit. Hitching back to the camp site in the middle of the night a car pulled up Ahead. Picture the scene as my friend clambered in stinking and covered in his own excrement and getting it all over the back seat in the process. The frogs completely bewildered had not in fact stopped for him at all. He couldn’t speak French nor they English. Apparently they were not at all amused.

  9. I considered travelling around India as a young man and I fancy such a trip would have put me in contention for a good run at the Delhi Belly 50 yard dash.
    But I fucked that off and went round Europe where the quality of ladies is magnificently better.
    Plus no shits,apart from a few days I’m Morocco,which is full of em.
    Chinese banquet this evening so I will report back.

    • Once when i was about 19 i was feeling ill my grandma said to me have Some ‘indian brandy’ dont hear of it now, anyway had it and was walking home, had very long hair back then (wannabe Lemmy) an my guts started gurgling, felt dead weird, as I got near a bus stop with 2 old ladies waiting,
      My tummy started spasming that hard i feel to my knees and spewed a torrent if indian brandy coloured spew. In front of them!
      They were disgusted an one called me a druggie!
      Couldnt tell her to fuck off I was heaving that hard.

      • Blimey I remember Indian Brandy MNC…. cured everything according to the old uns!! Sure it came in a sinister little brown bottle with a waxy paper label, sort of thing Gary Glitter would have carried along with a handkerchief

      • Haha yeah! Thats the one!
        Gary glitters favourite dating tipple😀
        Can still remember the taste of the stuff, never hear of it now?

      • Totally off subject I have the telly on in the background, I think I’ve invented a new game; it’s called “Spot The Box Ticker*”, best played during ad breaks; players watch and buzz in when they spot the first dark key/frizzy haired mulatto/missing limb or wheelchair user/mudslime (bonus points if in full niqab) to collect points! Makes it fun, instead of making me shout at the telly and causing my mrs to slyly look sideways at me and hide any sharp objects

        *copyright Cuntarian Enterprises all rights reserved

  10. I had an extremely embarrassing experience where I was walking this gorgeous woman home after a Curry. As we were walking I felt this urge to shit NOW. It was to late this number 7 on the Bristol chart layed hammoked in my pants. The stench was appalling, like rotten shell fish. She showed no sympathy for me just contempt and anger. When I got home it was down my legs and on my shoes. This has got to be the most embarrassing moment of my life. Needless to say I didn’t get my leg over that night.

  11. I spent the festive season with a twisted pelvis caused by wonky walking, any way it was very painful so I succumbed to pain killers that stripped my stomach.
    I then faced a number of problems, firstly getting too the toilet which is less than 6 meters from the bed, then wiping my arse, trying to reach round from any direction was agony coupled with the fact that as soon as you have dropped one load and cleaned up you see to be ready for the next shot.
    I have had dysentery 3 times so far once I ended up on a drip, most memorable was eating dirty sugar cane in Africa, as I am sure you are aware your body only has so much fluid, I ended up laying in a bath of water drinking saline water whilst shitting in the bath, It was not pleasant but it worked, pull the plug, shower and never ate sugar cane again.

  13. Hats off to the Admins for subtly posting this nom early in the morning while people are trying to eat their breakfasts!

  14. Our sink in the bathroom is right next to the bog so emptying both holes simultaneously is possible, which was very handy around 14 months ago.

  16. Worst of all is getting the trots when on a coach trip. Never forget this happening to me. Trapped. Obvious dilemma : Either face the embarrassment of asking the driver to stop and shitting right outside by the windows in full view of your fellow passengers or letting it happen whilst aboard! Fortunately this happened in shithole of the world India where such behaviour is commonplace.

    PS Great Nom Spoons but ‘little white pants with holes in’. Are you by any chance a friend of Mince Pie Guy?

  18. You got ran over?! You crippled spoonington? Shitty deals m8 do any of the doctors write you any exciting narcotics for pain management?

    Last time I asked for percocets from the cuntface doctor he said “no no I can’t do that they are addictive” well I would fucking hope so I don’t want any weak dogshit pills from you, you boring labcoat wearing cunt

    • I wrote a nomination about getting beeped at. That was published.
      I think I wrote a nomination about getting a job then getting run over but I don’t think that one is published yet.
      Then I wrote this nomination about diarrhoea.
      I’ve always walked with a limp since childhood but when I was run over I broke my leg. I’m OK now. Still wearing the plastic boot, hopefully not for much longer.

      • Oh good ol boring tylenol won’t catch a buzz with that but its decent pain reliever especially if you got a sore cock an balls.

        Mind you mine are especially sore at the moment could use something a bit stronger… Hope your broken leg situation improves and the diarrhea eat more fiber maybe

  19. Did you have to look up how to spell diarrhoea Spoons or was the original title “The Shits?”
    😀

    • Bertie, I did have to look for the D word as I thought it would be a delicate subject.
      I was considering the word squits, or the childhood words chocolate milkshake bum haha 😀

  20. Very good nom Spoons. What I do find fascinating about the whole food poisoning thing is the way that the brain rejects anything it suspects caused said shits in future; couldn’t look at a bottle of Chinese plum sauce or German Frikadellen for about 10 years each after a good bout, without feeling queasy as fuck. Apparently stems from our primitive ancestors (or current ones if you’re Muslim), hardwired trigger to not keep eating the same berries and shit that nearly killed you. Similar thing for eating people and fucking close relatives to keep the gene pool deep, although there’s plenty over the years that long since learned to override those two…..

  21. The Big D is one of life’s miseries Spoon. Last bout I had was last year, an all-nighter after eating a dodgy curry. Just about cracked the bog pan.
    Hope you’re over it now mate, and how’s the leg doing?

    • Cheers, Ron. Dog bless you.
      I don’t remember what brought on the chocolate waterfall.
      I do like a curry but not too spicy.

      The leg is getting better. Thanks. The 20th of january is when I go back to hospital for checkup. I’ll let you and everyone else know. 🙂

      • Well thanks for sharing that with us Spoonington. Just what I needed to start my Saturday. I recommend you eat ice cream on a daily basis, I eventually found this was the reason I was bunged up for a year..

  22. I shat my knickers a couple of months ago going to work. i was mortified and i had to walk by fellow work colleagues to get to the toilet.

    • Aye i do it all the time, nothing to worry about other peoples problem!
      Dont get invited many places though.😀

  23. It’s very alarming when it does not even have lumps in anymore. When it gets to the brown water stage I prefer to call it having a pwee.

  24. Some years ago I was dragged along to a local trendy pub where they had a “Homage to Fromage” (yes I know), evening.
    Just made the khazie in time, in the early hours of the morning Krakatoa erupted from my anal sphincter.
    90pc liquid.
    Either the cheese or a dodgy pint of Hob Goblin draught.

  26. I have to admit (in a #MeToo fashion), that, in the past, I too have shat myself

    But I haven’t shat anyone else

  27. A superb cunting and something that’s happened to everyone. I shit myself in a field once whilst helping the ex bring her horse back to the farm. I was having persistent trouble with the farts, and then the fatal killer sign of a sharp pain in my lower gut as if someone had jabbed a hot blade in me. I totally misjudged the situation and thinking it was just a wind pain, let fly. Shit that was a mistake.

    The classic hot liquid feeling burst onto the scene and shot two pints of yellow stinking putrefaction into my pants. My trousers were fucked and I had to hobble out of the field and back to the farmhouse to have a shower, then put my stinking clothes in a bag and drive home in my spare pair of pants. These days I lay off the spicy food, but still have a few squares of ginger to calm the guts.

  29. If you enjoy shitting yourself go to my local greasy spoon and eat the full English. Pissing out of your rectum within 10 minutes is absolutely guaranteed.

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