A four-wheeled cunting please, for car manufacturers who can’t put their tyre inflation guides in a fucking scale I can understand. Fair enough, the guide is on the nearside door pillar, but put the fucking thing up fucking higher, so I don’t look like Quasimodo trying to read it.
“Idea!” thinks your hero: take a photo. Took it… WTF it’s in Bars? Look, you Cheese-eating, Macron arse-kissing monkeys, put it in fucking PSI. I cant be arsed to look up the conversion factor on the following grounds:
1. It’s Sunday Morning.
2. I’m hung over due to coming second in the quiz night.
3. I cant find the fucking calculator.
4. She who will be obeyed is in a shittier mood than I for the above reasons.
5. My fucking head felt like it came off and rolled across the back yard.
Citroen, please pay heed to my plea. It’s the UK. It’s PSI, you wankers.
Got that? GOOD.
CUNTS.
Nominated by CuntyMort
I used to love car- manuals..armed only with an adjustable,a length of baler-twine and a lump-hammer there was nothing that I couldn’t “fix”…no fucking good now. Everything is made by Chinkiees on two bowls of rice a day. Chinkiees have tiny hands(and genitalia) so I can’t get my hands into where they’ve invariably gone wrong to fix it. They also have a hatred for Westerners and so deliberately build things that will break at the worst possible time….They also smell,but that’s by-the by.
Nowadays I resort to Youtube for my instructions..it’s great…endless videos on how to do anything. Vehicles,saws,washing-machines,chippers,balers, etc….there’s nothing now that can escape my attentions.There’s always a YouTube expert willing to show me how to tackle things.
As for air in the tyres?….Stop farting on,Man. Just shove in enough that it feels hard..that’ll do…Remember home mechanics and DIYers…if it looks right,it probably is right.
15
I love You Tube for that very reason. I’ve managed to happily replace the bearings on my tumble dryer and replace the door seal on my washing machine. Quotes for both of those jobs ran to over £200 PLUS parts! It cost me around £50 all in. You Tube and a Haynes manual has saved me £1000’s on my car. £275 for a new wing mirror, bought used from a scrap yard for £25 and fitted myself, over £300 for a new heater motor, again £25 from a scrap yard, again fitted myself, £250 for a failed electric window, when it did it again I looked at it myself and it cost fuck all as it had just slipped off a mounting.
Happy New Year.
15
Happy New Year to you too,Moggie.
Why I prefer Youtube to the old manuals is that the videos don’t assume that you have a workshop equipped with enough tools to build the International Space Station. If there’s an easy way of fixing it,they tell you.
12
Your mind is in tune with Ernest Renan Mr Fiddler-‘the Chinese race, who have wonderful manual dexterity and almost no sense of honor’.
5
Morning,Miles.
Hope you and the long-suffering Mrs.Plastic have a good New Year.
2
Same to you Mr Fiddler. Yes a bit early in the morning (as well as the year) for a discussion on racial theories.
Ah I hear Mrs Plastic getting up. Our sleep pattern all out of kilta. So sick of the holidays.
5
Aye I’ll be glad when the “festivities” are over and we can just get back to a normal routine.
5
Next artificially constructed fucking rip off…….Valentines Day.
Twenty quid bracelet from Greenwich Market, steak and chips in the local boozer.
They don’t call me “Mr Romance” for nothing. Cunts.
8
Thats a boutique Valentine’s Freddie, I usually purchase an extra box of quality street at Xmas discount and throw them at her on Feb 14. It’s just long enough past December for her to remember she was bored of them.
6
“… throw them at her…”!! 😂
2
“The great majority of people will go on observing forms that cannot be explained; they will keep Christmas Day with Christmas gifts and Christmas benedictions; they will continue to do it; and some day suddenly wake up and discover why”
4
Morning fellas, I too like youtube for fixing things, saved me a fortune, can dismantle our hoover and put it back together the same due to youtube.👍
Air in tyres?
Check the metal plate inside either drivers or passengers door, thats where mine is an has been on last few vans.
3
Yep. Youtube is brilliant.
I am building a small forge. Needed to know how to convert a vacuum cleaner motor to an air blower. It was on there, same motor and all!
2
Happy New Year Cuntalugs!
Whatcha making?
Knives?
Axe heads?
Id like a forge, always fancied learning to make my own tools.
1
Happy New Year MCM.
Hopefully when it’s finished arty farty sculpteral stuff.
Might have a go at knife making.
If you like viking battle axes, swords etc. Watch Forged in Fire on History channel on Thurdays at 9pm. They compete to make historic weapons out of scrap.
1
Yes, i do watch ‘forged in fire’ its good!👍
Good luck with the forge, let me know how you get on.
Happy new year🇬🇧
1
Youtube is your friend.
1
My only friend your Lordship. 🤔
1
Modern, ‘over-clocked’ vac motors ain’t the most robust, they try to keep the weight down to satisfy marketing team and the snowflakes who couldn’t haul a Kirby out of the cupboard but who still expect their flimsy framed chinese budget motor to kick out 2kWatts without cooking itself after 15mins. Alright for short duty cycles I suppose but I wouldn’t expect it to run for long periods at a time without the thermal cutout kicking in. The ancient Crompton motor on my miller has gotta be 50yrs old at least, about six different coats o’ paint, never been rewound or needed bearings, gets regular (light) use and still as silent as the grave! 😎
But what the fuck happened to Haynes? They never did National Geographic grade photography but the print quality on the one I’ve just bought for a Rover 75 CDT looks like the fucker was shot with a cocking box brownie by some fucker who did 70’s punk fanzines. Just garbage.
1
Pressure
1 Bar = 14.5 psi / 2 Bar = 29 psi
for the layman, 2 Bar = roughly 30 psi
so 2/10th of a Bar = 3 psi
1.6 Bar = 24 psi
1.8 Bar = 27 psi
2.2 Bar = 33 psi
2.4 Bar = 37 psi, etc
Check your tyres regularly. I checked mine once, a few weeks after having them balanced & the tracking checked. Should have been 30 front / 24 rear – 1 front was 11 psi, 1 rear was 48!
6
My Dad was a fantastic problem-solver, particularly with cars, when you didn’t possess the “correct tool” (according to a Haynes manual). Bless him, he passed that ability on to me.
Dad should’ve been 81 today, but only made it 3 days past his 80th in 2019, so this time of year, particularly, is a cunt indeed. It also should’ve been my folks’ 60th wedding anniversary today, so I’m off to spend some time with my Mum.
HNY to all cunters and Admin… (Dad also loved this site !)
21
An Arai crash helmet owners manual goes on for 40 plus pages when it be reduced to ‘ Put the thing on and do it up’.
11
Happy New Year Guzzi. I’m just amazed bikes can still be sold in this day and age; the first time some daft cunt passes his test on one of those fucking stupid 50hp restricted things, before Daddy treats him to a H2R and he duly turns himself into a glass-and-gravel studded red paste at the first corner, and they decide to sue for compensation as they weren’t aware motorcycles are dangerous – that’ll be the end of that.
1
you jest, but it won’t be long…..
1
My car has a dashboard read out of tyre pressure. When it first flashed I had to return to garage to reset on their computer. It turns out that once triggered you have to overinflate by a couple of psi to correct. Who fucking knew? The dealer didn’t and it may have been in the Hungarian section of the handbook.
4
I can’t even get a fucking manual for my 2011 Mercedes. You have to subscribe to some Mercedes site for a very reasonable £36,000 a year or so. Apparently, it is very good though, showing even a fucking trained gibbon how to do things (as long as you have the Mercedes diagnostic shit) – which makes me not understand how they charge over a £150/hr labour. Anyway, thankfully there is youtube and t’interweb to find out how to do most things.
My old series land-rover was easier to fix, but went wrong all the time.
4
For me modern cars seem like fucking time machines under the bonnet, wouldn’t know where to fucking start
4
I spent good chunk of the early 70’s reading a weekly magazine called On 4 Wheels. All about cars it was, duh, and I knew fucking loads. But you stuck me in front of a car and I had no idea what anything was, because it didn’t look like the diagrams. Nowadays I can top up oil, water, brake fluid, transmission fluid, change the compartment and engine air filter and that’s about my lot under the bonnet. Having said that I couldn’t count how many people I’ve spoken to over the years that can’t change a wheel! This shit should be part of the test if you ask me.
7
Happy New Year Mog. I love it when I find out someone can’t change a wheel (let’s be honest it’ll be a bloke, women have no business fucking about on complicated machines – they struggle driving the fuckers) – they might as well be getting down on their knees in front of you in the manliness stakes, and admitting to all present that they have a tiny, shrivelled half-inch mushroom for a penis
3
After the first occasion I couldn’t change the wheel (because I reckon some cunt had welded the wheel nuts on) I found a 4 foot length of steel tube to fit over the wrench and give me extra leverage. Only other time was when an under-inflated tyre came off the rim as I was going over a speed hump, but so smoothly I didn’t even notice until I heard metal on road, I was on a hill and had nothing to chock the wheels with so called out breakdown service.He actually thanked me for calling him out rather than trying to do it myself, then calling me out when the car was in bits on the road after falling off the jack. Said he’d had it before.
0
Happy New Year btw! What an ignorant cunt I am.
1
Taken for granted Mog! 😃
0
Right now the Hilux dash shows a warning light for the airbag, is the fucker going to discharge? Until this nom I never thought to check what YouTube tube says. Stand by!
2
If it’s owt like one of my old Hiluxes it wont discharge even when you drive straight into a stone gatepost at 50+ mph.
1
That’s as bad as those idiots who shoot down an escape lane on a hill just to see what would happen when suddenly brought to a stop!
😂😂😂
3
Afternoon,Bertie..and Happy New Year.
C’mon tell the truth. I bet you’ve wondered what would happen if you drove into an escape-lane…every sane person will have,at some point,considered it,I’m certain of that.
2
Afternoon Dick. I must admit, I thought it might have brought you to a stop a little more gently. However, Dick, you do remind me of an old Geordie friend from college who would have done exactly the same as you! Reading some of your exploits always reminds me of him!
Mad as a box of frogs some Geordies (with apologies to Freddie) but some of the funniest people around.
1
Years ago any self righteous car owner would proudly own the Haynes manual appropriate to his/her’s own make/model of Car and posses adequate intelligence to at least do the basic level of maintenance/repair.
The ability to read a hard back book and therefore transfer it’s knowledge in to real world action has long been lost by a millennial generation who cannot interact with anything else other than an i-pad or a touch screen.
Cars too have become more complex. My current vehicle, although a couple of years old now has more screens and flashing buttons inside than the cockpit of a Typhoon FGR4 fighter jet.
All very well until things go wrong….
My car has probes that measure probes. Fuck all to do with the car or engine, however when one of these fragile electronic components fail, the car goes into safety mode and I can’t drive the bastard thing!
No amount of YouTube vids or mechanical knowledge can help repair these things. Just a trip to Vauxhall where their approved mechanic will fleece me the cost of Markle’s engagement ring just to repair a probe, that measures a probe that measures outside wind speed that due to it not working shuts down my fucking car!!! (Fuck all to do with the engine or mechanics by the way!)
Greedy car manufacturers over complicate their vehicles knowing full well that when things go wrong your gonna have to drop your pants and take one up the shitter when you take it in to them for a ‘fix’ and charge you royally for it.
Owning a hard back manual for a car nowadays is about as much use as a shit flavoured lolly-pop.
Everything is computer diagnosis, and if you don’t own the very expensive diagnostic machine, you might aswell start thinking about driving a steam-roller, Chinese rick-shaw or befriend a donkey and buy a cart off a pikey to attach him to and start riding.
4
I have come to the conclusion that most cars are a pile of cunt.
My Dad has an S-Type Jaguar, but the trouble he has with it is beyond a joke. It looks like a dream. but acts like a giant turd.
A lot of its mechanics are driven by a fucking computer, so whenever that fucks up (which it frequently does) the fucker won’t start. A sign comes up on the dashboard and everything grinds to a fucking halt.
So much for high end cars.
I too love the Haynes manuals. They spell things out so even a complete moron like me can get the gist. I have a little 2005 Nissan Micra. It was dirt cheap second hand and a lovely little runner, but it had a few broken things on the dashboard (still functioning, but broken) I was able to get hold of a decent second hand climate control panel and replace it with the help of my Dad, all with the help of Haynes.
I can’t be doing with the actual manuals. You have to get through a fucking ton of other languages first to even locate something legible in English….but when you come to read it, it may as well be in fucking Mandarin after all.
CUNTS.
4
My problem with the manuals is this: you need to replace a bulb or something which sounds innocuous enough and then you look at the relevant area where the first words are ‘Remove dashboard, see chapter 3.12’. But there are 25 fucking pages about how you need to undo 400 nuts/bolts/screws to remove the fucking thing, half of which they say will need to be replaced with new ones because they’re designed to sheer. So replacing a 5p bulb will cost you £30 and take a fucking weekend to do.
Happy New Year Nursery.
5
A car manual is wasted on me. All I know about cars is they have a wheel at each corner and one inside. Takes me all my time putting petrol in. My talents lie elsewhere and some day I hope to find out what they are.
6
Allan, I am the same.
I only got interested when I got my own car. It was a case of having to really. Other than that, I am pretty clueless about the technical stuff about cars.
1
Very true, Moggie…..and Happy New Year to you too!
I had to do a lot of ‘refer to chapter blah blah’ with the Haynes manual. Thankfully, taking the old panel off and replacing it wasn’t rocket science, just a case of knowing how to access it.
We had a few things to replace on my car. Missing caps inside the engine, a bulb in the boot and the dashboard stuff. Like you say, it cost a bloody fair bit to do all of it, but it ended up worth it.
I wouldn’t want to be doing this bollocks all of the time though.
0
Happy NY Nurse Cunty. Haynes seem to have branched out these days with manuals for all sorts of things(no! not that!)
They’re called Haynes Explains. If your dad’s computer electrics are playing up, you can now pull out their manual all about computers! They also have a Bluffers Guide to Chocolate – I kid you not.
2
Thanks and Happy NY to you too, Bertie!
Yep, I have seen a Haynes manual for the Star Wars Millennium Falcon!!! My reaction was something akin to ‘What the actual fuck?’
Thanks for the info.I will let Dad know!
2
You can get all sorts. There’s a Hayne workshop manual for a Halifax bomber “all marks 1939 onwards”
2
Haven’t got it in my heart to cunt Rover, just can’t do it but the onboard diagnostics in m’ 75 diesel are doing my fucking head in. I’m a spark by training, done my share of electronics training as an R.O. for the merchant fleet, bit o’ PLC work, not a complete plum with a computer and can read a cct diag with the best of them but fuck me ragged…!
Whilst most manufacturers cars were OBD compliant by 96 Rover’s diesels weren’t until 2004 and of course mine’s an 03. Normally you’d grab a 20quid OBD reader off the Bay of Fleas, plug it in and bob’s yer knobend, there’s yer fault/s. ‘Fraid not, the only thing that’ll diagnose pre-compliance Rovers is their trade ‘T4’ software suite at circa £4,000. There’re about 10 thousand different diagnostic codes and any one of maybe 500 often totally disparate and seemingly unconnected faults can give the central ECU a parametric shit fit.
ABS went tits up and three ‘T4 sessions failed to find fuck all wrong, of course it’s an MOT fail now even though I’ve never caused it to activate anyway as I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE but now the gummint determine that overnight I’ve become a de facto danger to other road users to the degree that I must be in effect banned from the fucking road?? Cunts! I just pulled the fuse and disabled the whole ABS which in no way compromises the safety of the car but unfortunately takes out the speedo as well as it uses the fucking wheel sensor to feed that.
Now I’ve got the dreaded random engine cut out that’s reared its head that’s similarly defying their whizz bang diagnostics. There’s thread after thread on the MG/Rover forums about this very fault but after 15 years still no one’s managed to find out what the fuck causes it. Thankfully some bloke’s reverse engineered the T4 set up and is hawking it in a placcy case for £150. That’s just landed so at least I can have a poke around its geriatric brain and see what ails it. Just done our New year’s nosebag whilst decoking the inlet manifold on the table!
Gotta say though it’s been a feckin’ trooper this car on fuck all but basic maintenance and it’s beginning to show but this vehicle management system is gonna kill me or bankrupt me. Gimme my old P5B Coupe back anyday, at least it had carbs and fuck all else in the way of fuel injection, integrated ICE, K-Busses and eight seperate ‘management systems’ distributed around the bodywork. Jeez I’ve almost talked m’self into wanting a Moggie Minor if it’d tow a dinghy.
3
Rover 75 great motor, specially the diesel.
If you join the 75 &MGZT owners club, there’s a couple of guys do T4 diagnostics reasonable – depending on where you are based geographically.
link : https://the75andztclub.co.uk/
All the best to you
6
Always let more air out of my tyre than I put in and then my 20p runs out, given up now and just drive into kwikfit and ask them to do it, they never say no.
2
ooh forgot to say… for Bar (also 1atm) to PSI just multiply by 15 (near as dammit) i.e…
1 Bar = 15psi
2 Bar = 30psi etc.
1