Heroes to Zeros

Posted on by

15 July 2019
England’s cricketers blow away rivals Australia by 8 wickets in the semi final of the World Cup. A swaggering display by our heroes sees them breeze past our bitterest rivals, on the way to a first world championship.

5 Aug 2019
Australia crushes England by 251 runs in the first Ashes test of the summer. A second innings batting display of staggering ineptitude sees England bowled out for 146, leaving them in the all-too-familiar position of having to chase the series after losing the first test.

Normal service is resumed on the part of our chocolate teapots. Heroes to zeros in the space of three weeks. Cunts; for committing the ultimate sporting sin of not merely losing, but surrendering abjectly, to those charmless cockheads.

25 Aug 2019

After another ignominious first innings display, England’s on the ropes. Then Ben Stokes comes over all Botham, and pisses on the Aussies’ chips. grown men from Perth to Sydney cry into their beer. Fucking hell, heroes again, at least for a week.

PS. Smith, Warner and Bancroft are cheating cunts in addition to being regulation Aussie-type cricketer cunts.

Nominated by Ron Knee

88 thoughts on “Heroes to Zeros”

  1. Phew, out of breath after running round for the keys!
    Yeah glad we won, but know little about cricket.
    Know that im a dead ringer for W G Grace though!
    Wonder if i can exploit it for cash?

  2. I could not give one iota of fuck about any sport, to me it’s my idea of hell, so fuck the lot of the cunts. The shite that spoken about sport is just that fucking SHITE so fuck off and ruin the family holiday.

    • I dont like cricket oh no, i love it yeah!
      Stockports finest 10cc to cheer you up Vic.
      Lovely singing voice me.

      • I agree victor, can’t stand sports myself I only put on golf when I can’t sleep and need something to bore me death.

        I’ll take cricket over footy almost any day of the week tho its much more compelling and doesn’t have the politics or celebrity fanfare as soccer

      • One thing I’ve never got about golf (apart from all of it…) – the bizarre need to dress like Rupert the Bear.

      • Love em Paul, they made strawberry studios near me!
        And done jobs for the drummer.
        Miserables celebrity lifestyle😁

      • Too true 1066.
        I think the reason all these people don’t like sport is a throwback to their school days when the PE teacher forced them to run cross countries. I found this character building – far cry from the snowflakes of today who wimp out of anything sport related.
        😊

    • My sentiments exactly Victor…
      It’s the equivalent of having to stair at a blank wall while pundits and fans talk complete shit in your ears.
      Cricket is one of the more mind numbing sports along with Darts. Golf and indoor bowls.
      I have tried for years to understand why People actually get excited about sport but I have failed .

  4. Love cricket or hate it, it’s always great to put one over on the Aussies. They must have thought the Ashes were back in the bag lol.
    They’ll probably still win the series because England’s batting is so piss poor overall, but it’s nice to give ’em a poke in the eye in passing.

    Well guys the missus and I are off on our hols for a couple of weeks. Take care, and keep on cunting.

    Regards

    Ron

  5. Ron, you’re correct to say that those three are cheats but the whole team must’ve known, therefore they’re all cheating convict cunts. Nathan “ratface” Lyon even openly cheats off the pitch. Nonetheless, England were superb and Stokes had the innings of his life.

    England 1 Convicts 1

    • Ben Stokes. Who sez immigration doesn’t benefit England?

      Mornin’ Cap’n. 🌞

      PS: I’ll get my coat.

      • Immigration certainly benefits us, as it does every country, Herr Krëmepuff. We just want to control it.

        Anyway, it’s not as if he’s a Dooshka-Booshka or an Ooga-Dooga, is it? We invented NZ.

      • Re the great and good B&WC. My spies(Jason) tell me he’s on his second bottle of rum and third dusky maiden of the day. Not bad, ‘cos it’s just after five am in Jamaica. But he always likes to get up early – in all senses of the word.

      • Euro’s playing cricket? Other than the easybeat Dutch that’s just so very wrong

      • G’day Shackles
        Mein Gott, thankfully ze Germans don’t play.

        “Ve vant to ‘ave a schnitzel snack at Von o’clock und a sausage break at 5.”

      • Actually Cap’n, you are wrong. Stan Boardman’s team do play. Their last T20 international was as recent as 20/06/19 against the mighty Jersey

  6. A good win although it doesn’t beat the Tests in 1981 where Botham and Bob Willis kicked some serious arse to win the Ashes.

    Of course everything is calling for Stokes to be given a fucking knighthood just because he did his fucking job!

    Cunts (But at least we beat those cheating whinging Aussie cunts – at least for a week!)

      • A knighthood is the sure-fire mark of a cunt Bertie.

        PS: Lord Tim Bell (Thatcher’s spin doctor) has just bitten the dust. Dead Pool anyone?

  8. 2019 Australia win the Ashes and World cup.
    2020 France or Scotland win rugby World cup.
    2022 Germany wins soccer World cup.
    One can dream.

      • It ain’t football as played in Oz, c’arn the Eagles. Maybe the Poms could learn to play, we need someone to make Adelaide look good.

      • The Adelaide Blue Eagles from the South Australian Super League (proper round ball football) with fans of predominantly Eye-Tally-Ann heritage hence the reason previous incarnations have been known as Azzuri or Napoli?
        Or do you mean the West Coast Eagles (the no real heritage expansion team based at Optus Stadium, Perth, WA) from the Oz no rules game of convicted druggies (I believe a former Eagle fitting this description has recently been released from prison, again), watched by bogans and played by ladyboys in vests and suspiciously tight shorts (pilfered from a Sydney mardi gras festival no doubt) who aimlessly run around a field chasing an egg shaped rubber ball with more bounce than a porn stars bosom, rubbing their puffed out pidgeon chests against each other trying to look manly and hard while all the time supposedly trying to score a goal but secretly yearning for a behind?
        If it’s the latter game we don’t need to learn to play a game for big girls blouses.

  9. Funny how the English fans didn’t show the same respect to the great South African cheat Faf du Plessis who was done for ball tampering twice. A month after the second conviction he was made captain of his country.
    He played in this years world cup against England but was not booed……strange.
    Smith, Warner and Bancroft deserved to be penalised, I couldn’t agree more and Cricket Australia banned Warner and Smith for a year and Bancroft for nine months. It was also a very embarrassing press conference with the players boo hooing.
    Stokes, although a very good exceptional cricketer is also a bit of a cunt but has made hero status…..hmmm

    • GB, you don’t seem to understand that rivalry plays a huge part in determining what people do or say. England v Oz is similar to Celtic v Rangers, Liverpool v Man U or the Arsenal v Spurs. Smith was a cunt for ball tampering but more so for the press conference blubbering and England fans love to get back at him for both. If he was South African, like Faf du Plessis, they wouldn’t give a fuck (or maybe a partial fuck at most), as he’s not part of the great cricket rivalry between England and Oz. Anyway, fans pay good money so can do what they want. They don’t have to treat everyone the same, as you seem to think they should. Call me a cunt if you wish. I’ll agree with you totally.

      • Morning Smeggy, I agree with you up to a point……my main point is a cheat is a cheat regardless of who they play for.
        I will not cunt a fellow cunt for having a different opinion to me…..it’s just not cricket….excuse the pun.

    • Faf isn’t Australian so we don’t boo him, the 3 cheating cunts you named are, so we fucking do, the cunts.

  10. Another word they often use ‘capitulated’. As though they’ve given up, or aren’t trying. Used to watch loads of Test match cricket. Funningly enough Pakistan I used to like. That Imran Khan, Wakar Younnis team. The use of reverse swing as the day wore on. Always more much interested in the bowling than the batting. The slogging in 20/20 or even the One Day game killed it for me. I didn’t watch a single ball of this.. Lost all interest in all sport really.

  11. Saw the end of this yesterday afternoon. My Dad was glued to it as I randomly wandered in the living room to have what I quickly realised would be a one-way ‘conversation’ with him (as per) when he is watching something that floats his boat, bless ‘im.

    He did his best to explain the gist of cricket to me. To say it went over my head is an understatement. I just couldn’t fuckin’ get it at all. It was both a blonde and female moment in one go.

    I knew there was a reason I loathed cricket….

    There was a whole load of knicker-wetting and man love cuntery going on about that Ben Stokes bloke. Fuck’s sake, you’d think he’d sorted out Brexit and cured cancer at the same time, the way they were waxing lyrical.

    Bollocks to Cricket.

    • How to win Brexit? Boris is carrying the bat for England and seems to be on the front foot. But Is the EU on the back foot? We’ve tried medium pace maybe we ought to bring on a fast bowler to find an ‘edge’. Maybe we could bounce them into a deal with a few bouncers. Failing that we need to bring the spinners back on. Maybe a ‘googly’ will do it or a ‘wrongun.’ We need to be clever the light is fading…

      • A good analogy Miles but Boris could be skittled out for a record low score(in terms of the shortest number of days for a PM.)

        That smartarse Creampuff, aka Stato will probably come on now and tell us all about the shortest serving PM in history!
        😊

      • George Canning was the shortest serving Prime Minister in British history. He served only 119 days in 1827… 😀

      • Ah but Bertie didn’t say British Prime Minister. He merely said “the shortest serving PM in history”. Other countries have Prime Ministers so although factually you are correct about Canning being the shortest serving in Britain he wasn’t the shortest serving PM ìn history. For example, the Indian PM Atal Bihari Vajpayee only served 16 days between 16/05/1996 to 01/06/1996 (Note there are periods in India where there was an acting PM who served even shorter periods but I have discounted them on the basis they were not elected with the intention of being a permanent holder of the office).
        I am not saying either that Vajpayee holds the world record for shortest period as a PM. There may be others out there who served even less than 16 days and not in any caretaking capacity. I am simply standing up to right a wrong.
        Just return one undeserved smart-arse point to Bertie, please.

      • Wow! I’m impressed Dick. Looks as though you’ve got competition Creampuff!
        Two smartarses for the price of one!
        😀

      • Congratulations Mr Dribbler. You are now officially designated resident ISAC smart-arse. 👏

        You’ve taken a great weight off my shoulders.

      • It’s an honour and a pleasure to fill your ruby slippers, Mr RTC. I’ve been lurking in the shadows for months looking for an opportune moment to leap in and sieze the crown from a true great of the art of smart-arsing. Yet I fear my joy will be short lived. Like a candle in the wind my reign will briefly shine bright, flicker and die as the Master shall return to take his rightful place while I return to the dark shadows of obscurity.

      • Dick-are you sure you’re not Creampuff’s long lost twin separated at birth? You sound an awful lot like him!

      • Sadly Bertie no. Studying ones idol for a long time means I may have inadvertently picked up some of the great ones mannerisms but alas I am most definitely not blessed with the handsome genes that he clearly has. Think I got the leftover genes from Arthur Mullard & Bob Todd with a bit of Cheetah mixed in.
        And RTC, don’t fret for my welfare just yet. I’ll soldier on a bit further before the burden becomes to great.

      • Guile is needed to defeat a team that is bending the rules and generally not playing fair so spin is definitely the way to go. I suggest we accidentally (on purpose) let the EU overhear us on stump-mic make plans to use the deadly ‘Chinaman’ to turn things in our favour thereby inflicting a crushing defeat on them right at the death without having to claim extra time under lights for the 3 years lost play so far. With luck they’ll think we’re referring to Xi Jinping & Co rather than left arm unorthodox spin and look to forfeit at the earliest opportunity (sure the Frogs & Eyeties would be happy to do that) resulting in us being awarded the victory for them refusing to play on.

      • Sorry to keep the analogy going but Geoffrey Howe comes to mind-‘ It’s rather like sending our opening batsmen to the crease only for them to find that before the first ball is bowled, their bats have been broken by the team captain’. Isn’t that just the way it has felt for the last 3 years of ‘negotiations’.

      • ‘aka Stato’

        Stato was on Fantasy Football wasn’t he Bertie? I think we have in Mr Dribbler a potential ‘Fantasy Cunter’.The quality of his posts is fantasy cunting. Like his near namesake (I so much admire).

      • Good afternoon Miles. He seems very real to me. You are not suggesting that he’s the great man in disguise?

      • It does feel that way Miles. However, to keep the cricket analogy going, perhaps we should consider it along the lines of the old Gentleman & Players days versus the modern fully professional era. In this scenario May (Theresa not PBH) would be the amateur gentleman captain figure from the old days who was not up to scratch when leading the professional players and defeat was the logical outcome of the game. However, now in the modern era Johnson is the astute ultimate professional captain inspiring confidence within his supportive, capable profes……… Oh, hang on a minute. I’ve noticed a flaw in my train of thought. They’re all a bunch of talentless, backstabbing amateurs in both eras who haven’t got the neccessaries to fill a protective cup between them.
        You’re right. We ‘re f***ed before play resumes after tea! Lets just quietly put the covers on and go home, pretend the fixture was rained off before play started and nothing ever happened. It’s what’ll happen (but we will still end up paying all the game costs and more for cancelling the fixture).

      • “They’re all a bunch of talentless, backstabbing amateurs in both eras who haven’t got the neccessaries to fill a protective cup between them.”
        😂
        Boris and especially the Gove Puppet would, however, need sports bras for protection.

      • This is turning into a long day in the field for this analogy Mr D but just two more balls. We need a Fred Truman to deliver a Yorker (right in the block hole) at the backstop. If that fails and they refuse to play fair Boycott their goods.

  12. Cricket is yet another reason I’m glad I don’t have a TV. And why are the cunts all dressed in blue? Camouflage, under the perpetually azure skies of Hebden Bridge?
    I don’t get any of it, sorry. Roll on mid-September and our brave lads’ glorious triumph/ the usual fuckup and recriminations.

  13. This a rant about sport rather than a cunting on a proper subject.Move along nothing to see hear apart from a failure to cunt properly.

  14. Speaking of cricket the noisy bastards outside can just not shut the fuck up, would you believe if I told you for the past month straight these fuckers just keep going on and on chirping allday and night? Even with the rainpouring rn you can still hear these cunts

    • Bloody Brexit strikes again, they are not subject to a ‘supply issue’ are they? Morning Creampuff.

      • Morning LL.

        I’ve been stockpiling biscuits ever since Article 50 was triggered 17 long months ago. My walk-in pantry is heaving with the fuckers!

        As for the weather, it’s the British Government’s fault. Assuming Greta Thunderchuff is to be believed. Must remember to order one of those air-conditioning units like they have in Sainsbury’s and Iceland.

        I wonder if Lidl is air-conditioned? Willie Stroker should know, he shops there you know.

      • I suspect Greta Thunderchild was shown the films of Roland Emmerich too often while she was younger.

        The Day After Tomorrow, 2012, Geostorm.

        It became a motif in her impressionable mind, a bit like Meteor (starring Sean Connery) did with me.

        I’m always phoning Prof. Brian Cox to see if Project Icarus has the ballistic missiles pointed into space.

        He’s grateful for the attention; none of his physicist mates give a fuck about space.

  16. An American acquaintance once told me he’d tried watching it once but couldn’t begin to understand what the fuck was going on and what was the point in the whole sorry exercise. I told him not to worry because neither did 90% of us Brits.

    • A bit like American Football/ Hand-egg.
      Very stop-start. A lot of fat blokes. The pizzazz seems to be compensation for wasting 7 hours of your life watching obese retards in crash helmets.

      Yes, I know Martin Johnson is a fan but i dont care. I’ve tried watching and I cant really say I enjoy or understand it.

  17. Have a look at the average EU country’s official cricket teams. Try and spot a non dark key or moose limb sounding name. Good luck with that.

  18. The ark was built by three famous people, it was bancroft, warner and smith.

    40 pubits high, 80 pubits long, and 40 pubits wide.

  20. Because HBH if you slice one into the woods and have to go in search of your ball then should you encounter some teddy bears having a picnic you wont be so conspicuous.

  21. I’d love to see Nic Nat against a round ball player, but your right in that Ben Cousins is a junkie cunt. Too bad the SAS didn’t thwat him when they had the chance. And yes I’m a bogan.

    • No need to confirm it, old boy. I never thought you’d be anything but a dinky die bogan if it was the Rules boys you suported. Seems to be a badge of honour you wear with pride in WA. Have family in Oz on other coast but made cross country stop over trip to Perth a few times on way back from visiting them. Was once taken to a game at Subiaco Oval quite a few years ago. Must have been around the middle to back end of Feb & might have been a pre season practice match of some sort. Although I’ve no recall of which teams were playing I’m sure there was more proper biff in the crowd than on the field of play. Bogans to a man, woman & child the lot of them. A bit like any town in Yorkshire over here really.
      NicNat presumably refers to a bloke called Naitanui, a 6ft7in 17+ stone Fijian. I presume he is a bit “vigorous” in his style of play? I’ll remember to look him up on YouTube next time I’m on it to see if he’s up to much. In the meantime if you ever bump into him tell him to get his bloody hair cut. He looks a bit like one of the Williams sisters from the photos I’ve seen but with a better trimmed beard.

      • Yes the wearer of dreadlocks may think it’s cool but all I see is a rattling mass of winnets. Just get it cut and let your football do the talking.

  22. When it comes to England I only really support the rugby lot. Our footballers and cricketers seem highly overrated.

Comments are closed.