Piss poor ‘War Stories’

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Not just war stories, but tales of hardship, endeavour, resistance and downright bravery….some generations are (un) luckier than others in that fate deals them a hand where they are forced to experience the harshest of situations, to wit; WW1, WW2, The Great Depression, rationing….even modern times can be categorised with noteworthy examples, the three day week, seventies blackouts, The Falklands War, The Gulf War, Northern Ireland, Iraq, Afghanistan, you get the picture.
Even I can claim involvement in some of these examples. The millennial generation, or a large portion of it, are really scraping the barrel though.
Scanning the internet in an attempt to wind myself up proved fruitful this morn.
Check out the story below.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-7225319/Make-artist-left-agonizing-margarita-burn-hand-squeezing-18-limes.html

This absolute fucker thought her tale a worthy example of her Spartanlike bravery.
Amber Prepchuk of Edmonton went away for a week at a lake house with her “girlfriends”, having prepared margaritas and squeezing limes, by hand, she woke two days later suffering burns on her hands from the lime juice.

“It was excruciating” she said.

“I’m a tough cookie, I can handle pain but I woke up crying my eyes out”

When you view the link, prepare yourselves, the pictures of her injuries are nothing short of horrific. Make sure there are no children present.

Amber, you are a fucking Trojan.
Your tale is up there with surviving the Second Battle of Ypres.

You cunt.

Nominated by HenryV

45 thoughts on “Piss poor ‘War Stories’”

  1. Looks like this total waste of oxygen was sucking the fuckers too looking at the state of the vacuous twats lips. Dozy cunt, people will do anything to get their hideous faces in the media. Try working for a living. Cunt.

    • Sorry Squire Fiddler but in 82 I had a painful glow around my ring piece much akin to the beginning of Banana after a particularly hot Currey.Therefore claiming that years ‘Been in the Wars’ headline.

      Gobshites

      • Typo correction

        Sorry Squire Fiddler but in 82 I had a painful glow around my ring piece much akin to the beginning of Bananza after a particularly hot Curry.Therefore claiming that years ‘Been in the Wars’ headline.

        Gobshites

  3. I remember thrilling to the war stories of Sven Hassle and others of his ilk. The veterans of WWII truly suffered.

    But what else can you expect from today’s Snowflake generation other than tales of “ horror” suffered whilst baking Flatbread and Quinoa Quiches or drinking Camomile and Peppermint Tea ( and that’s just the men).

    How can the grandchildren of heroes be such utterly hopeless twats? How did it happen?

  4. Don’t worry these limp wristed snowflakes will soon have some no deal Brexit tales of woe to tell. If there aren’t any the media can always invent some for them. We wouldn’t want them to miss out on all the crying and self pity would we?

  5. My grandfather was highly decorated during WW2.

    His commanding officer said “It was probably the tinsel wrapped around his helmet that got him killed”….

    • During the war my grandfather couldn’t stop scribbling.

      He was hit by the doodle bug.

      • My grandad when he came back from ww2 couldnt stop shaking! Hed contracted the jitterbug…

      • My favourite oldie but goody.

        My grandad died at Auscwitch. He fell out of the watchtower.

        An example of Jewish humour.

  6. This must be part of the whole “victimhood culture” that celebrates people being downtrodden and woe is me, as opposed to celebrating heroes.
    Though if this is newsworthy me and a few of the lads at work should get in touch with the paper about the numerous chemical burns we’ve had to endure of the years, we should be given the victoria cross for our “shower, change of clobber and back to work approach” what heroes we are

    What a bunch of big bouncy bollocks

  8. Gather round, pull up a sandbag and crack out the violins, I could tell you a tale or two.
    I am not going to though, bunch of unsympathetic cunts that you are.

    • We’ve probably heard them before Lord Benny!
      Reminds me of Uncle Albert with his tales of conflict on the Atlantic
      warships. Did I ever tell you about the one . . . . .
      😊😊

      • I have one bullet wound! (truthfully)
        I did a mag change on my rifle whilst laying down before a dash.
        I recocked (I had lost count of my rounds so best be safe than sorry) and a live 7.62 shot out the breach and caught me under my right eye (the nice bony bit) it bled like fuck!
        Yes I managed to score a self inflicted bullet wound with a live round.
        Now that takes some doing.

      • Not heard that one before. However, I expect your tales are endless! I still think your bust up with those Croatians was one of the best. You didn’t tell us what happened to the Lebanese guy who was on your side.

  9. I had to have the helicopter medics when I sustained a severe avocado injury while visiting Islington. Fortunately the medics had hand woven artisan bandages and gluten free paracetamol.

  10. Not a patch on my ‘war story’ last week……..an excruciatingly painful arsehole caused by an anal fissure from too much straining due to my IBS….and too many times heaving out what I thought was a Zeppelin-sized turd, only to find it was a Malteser-sized pebble.

    Don’t even get me started on the trauma of sticking a haemorrhoid suppository up a torn bum ring.

    Burnt hands from making Margaritas? Go and get fucked, pussy woman.

    • A true warrior NC, arsehole dramas need their own celebrity fronted TV campaign and trending on Twitter.

      #IBSfeeltheburn.

      • Oh God no, Allan. I wouldn’t inflict my bum hole on anyone’s tongue. It would bloody drop off in shock.

        Tempting offer though…..

      • I would pay good money to see a medical focused ‘Celebrity Bum holes’, LL. It has got to be better than the bollocks they currently put on TV.

        Mind, you, imagine if the Flabbott did a live TV ‘air it and share it’ of her bum……there would be a total eclipse of the sun.

    • Q: What is it that causes owls to swear at passing strangers?
      A: Irritable Owl Syndrome.

      I wear my coat permanently now.

    • JR – You are truly the master of the one liner. Tim Vine eat your heart out. I try to follow in your footsteps but it’s a tough job.

  12. ‘I’m a tough cookie’

    No, you’re a fucking snowflake with the skin of a newborn gerbil.

  13. I’m reminded of virtually any fly on the wall / reality tv show.

    Every cunt has to have a “twiddly diddly” sob inducing music supported backstory.

    Even shows like the Repair Shop has to invoke sentimental bullshit about a
    fucking camera or soap dish etc. Utter bollocks.

    It’s endemic, made by and watched by cunts (like me).

    Fuck them

  14. This heartbreaking incident, leading to trauma and human misery, has, I believe, already been cunted. The mental distress its repetition has caused me has required me to (a) seek counselling) and (b) sue ISAC for compensation. Radio 4 has already invited me to broadcast my harrowing tale, and I doubt I will be able to get through the programme without crying and/or changing sex. Mods: you will be hearing from my lawyers.

  15. Lime juice burns makes a fellow farriers injury appear as nought, got dragged under a nag it kicked his ear off fractured his head in 4 places and broke his arm in 3 places, thank fuck he wasn’t a cocktail bartender he could have been badly hurt

    • You a farrier civvydog?
      Never knew what i wanted to do when i was a young bloke but wish id become a blacksmith or farrier.

  16. I once had one of those flaming drinks, didn’t have a clue so I put a straw in it, the straw started to melt so I put it down and picked up the flaming drink, burning my fingers I threw the flaming drink at my mouth which burned my lips. To end the holiday I got an ingrowing hair in my arse crack and couldn’t sit down all the way back to Blighty and to top it off, the moment I managed to get comfortable on the coach and was just drifting off to sleep a fucking huge cockroach fell from the curtain onto my head….
    I claim 1998.

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